MORE NAMBY PAMBY POLICING.
KILLER LIONEL JEFFRIES FREED BY PLODS TO KILL AGAIN.
As they come home exhausted from the sales, decent Britons up and down the land will be angry that Bristol police have been unable to frame the killer of lovely, innocent, precious, Jo Wotsername. Everyone knows that the creepy public schoolteacher, Jeffries, above, is the guilty man.. The Sun's crime correspondent, Jayne Tits, reporting from a West Country pub, says, you only have to look at him to know that it was him what done it, string 'im up, that's what people want in this country, swift justice. Murders have increased ten thousand fold since we gave up the rope and now it's hardly safe for young Sun reading wimmen to go out three-quarters naked and stagger around the streets pissed out of their minds and rolling around in the gutter, just what is the country coming to? And while they're at it, why don't the lazy coppers pin all the unsolved murders on this weirdo, I mean, how do they expect to get promoted?
Do you know anyone else killed by this white-haired monster? If so, phone the Sun's MurderLine and if we can print some old bollocks - especially with a picture of you in your lingerie - we'll give you a few quid. It's how we make skymadeupnewsandfilth.
On other pages:
The Sun's Kelvin McKenzie says: Lock Jeffries and me in a room with a few of my drinking pals and we'll soon get the truth out of him, just as long as he's tied up and we've got baseball bats.
CRIMEFIGHTING KELVIN AND HIS PAL, PIERS.
The Sun's Trevor Kavanagn proudly displays his coveted I Eat Rupert Murdoch's Shit Award, which he has won for the last thirty years.
In all my years of making stuff up as Mr Murdioch tells me, I have never seen a more overwhelming case for the restoration of the death penalty, that an innocent man can walk free from a murder enquiry is absolutely sickening and quite frankly, Mr Cameron, the nation is looking to you, to see if you are the man we need in these terrible times, Mr Mudcoch, after all, expects all his employees to eat his shit, that is why he put you in Downing Street. Or nearly. Not his fault that you couldn't beat a one-legged man in an arse-kicking competition, is it?