I CAN KILL YOU, YOU KNOW.
In his daily press conference, Detective Chief Inspector Phil Gob of Avon Constabulary, warned people today to check their socks as he revealed that Joanna Architect may have been strangled with one of hers. We cannot say that she was but equally we cannot say that she wasn't. I am ruling nothing in and ruling nothing out. Sock killing is a potentially new and troubling development in this case, in which we haven't a fucking clue but I would ask people to be vigilant against their socks and especially to be on the look-out for this particular sock which may or may not have killed Joanna; it is sock shaped and a distinctive grey colour so it should be relatively easy for people to find. Do not approach this sock on your own, as it may kill again but immediately call the sock squad. My team of seasoned investigators has today placed a message on the social networking site, Sockbook, which is the way, these days, that socks communicate with each other. Somebody out there knows who that sock is; it may be in a drawer, a tumble drier, or even hanging on a washing line.
Joanna, a landscape architect, may have been killed in her flat. And on the other hand she may have been killed somewhere else. We are keeping an open mind at the moment, until we can fit someone up.
We are still actively seeking ways to frame Mr Lionel Jeffries for this offence but unforunately he has consulted lawyers which is, in my view, a clear sign of his guilt.
DCI Gob repeated that people should be on the lookout for a light brown car, which, together with the light grey sock, could help police frame someone for this dreadful crime which has brought the ghastly Mr Architect Father into the nation's sitting rooms, with his dreadful, unspeakable, welcome home, corpse, grandstanding. Is Mr Architect Father a suspect ? Well, of course, as a professional force we are always looking for someone to frame and the public can be assured that if we can frame Dad, we will. Or anyone, really.
DCI Gob reiterated that anything anyone said, anywhere, about anything, was a potential lead, especially if they were wearing socks and that all comments at Sockbook were being followed up by every police officer in the West Country. I would like to reassure the normal, sock-wearing public that we shall leave no sock unturned in our search for someone to frame. And in the meantime overtime is simply not an issue. My worshipful brethren have had an expensive Christmas, you know, they can't nick all their Christmas gifts from the recovered stolen property lockers and there's simply not as much money in drugs and porn as there used to be and so they need every penny they can get and are dedicated to drawing-out this enquiry for as long as possible. I, myself am considering flying to Portugal to liaise with senior colleagues there so that we, as a force, can learn some lessons, particularly about how Drs Gerry and Cilla McCann managed to blame local police for their own neglect of their own children. And while I am there I shall go down to the beach and draw some lines in the sand. A book? Well, it's early days yet but it might be something to consider in (early and lucrative) retirement. A film? Who would play me? Well, Mr George Clooney does bear a passing resemblance. You'll have to speak to my agent.
OTHER FILTH NEWS
Greater Manchester Police are to receive lessons in politeness from the famous shopkeepers, John Lewis.(Honest, not invent) Assistant Chief Constable, Mr Brian Gob, said that his officers were a bunch of obnoxious thugs in uniform. They are a dedicated bunch of worthless pricks, slags, pimps, thieves and bullies, who cause more crime than they prevent, are utterly lacking in manners, treat decent members of the public like shit and who, quite frankly, if they weren't wearing the glorious uniform of law enforcement would all be in Strangeways, up each others arses, in-out, in-out, shake it all about. I mean, have you seen the nasty gay bullyboys on these traffic cop shows,
PC Mark Carter, Mr Gay UK, 2007.
they're basically at war with everything people hold dear, what a bunch of stupid, nasty degenerates; freaks, is what they are, where do we find them. Anyway, John Lewis have offered to teach some of them how to behave like public servants and decent human beings, although with most police officers I suspect they will be pissing in the wind. Which, of course, is a criminal offence. No, a well mannered police force, you must be joking, most of my gang of smirking thugs can't wait for the proper riots to start. That split-arse bitch, down in Wiltshire, who got that sergeant sacked, she better not show-up around here, that's all I can say. The police come out? What, all of us? I shouldn't think so. Move along now, sir. Or I shall have to draw my baton and beat you to death.