Wednesday, 5 January 2011



In  his daily press conference, Detective Chief Inspector Phil Gob of Avon Constabulary, warned people today to check their socks as he revealed that Joanna Architect may have been strangled with one of hers. We cannot say that she was but equally we cannot say that she wasn't.  I am ruling nothing in and ruling nothing out. Sock killing is a potentially new and troubling development in this case, in which we haven't a fucking clue but I would ask people to be vigilant against their socks and especially to be on the look-out for this particular sock which may or may not have killed Joanna;  it is sock shaped and a distinctive grey colour so it should be relatively easy for people to find.  Do not approach this sock on your own, as it may kill again  but immediately call the sock squad. My team of seasoned investigators has today placed a message on the social networking site, Sockbook, which is the way, these days, that socks communicate with each other.  Somebody out there knows who that sock is; it may be in a drawer, a tumble drier, or even hanging on a washing line.

Joanna, a landscape architect, may have been killed in her flat. And on the other hand she may have been killed somewhere else.  We are keeping an open mind at the moment, until we can fit someone up.

We are still actively seeking ways to frame Mr Lionel Jeffries for this offence but unforunately he has consulted lawyers which is, in my view, a clear sign of his guilt.


DCI Gob repeated that people should be on the lookout for a light brown car, which, together with the light grey sock, could help police frame someone for this dreadful crime which has brought the ghastly Mr Architect Father into the nation's sitting rooms, with his dreadful, unspeakable, welcome home, corpse,  grandstanding. Is Mr Architect Father a suspect ? Well, of course, as a professional force we are always looking for someone to frame and the public can be assured that if we can frame Dad, we will. Or anyone, really.

DCI Gob reiterated that anything anyone said, anywhere, about anything, was a potential lead, especially if they were wearing socks and that all comments at Sockbook were being followed up by every police officer in the West Country.  I would like to reassure the normal, sock-wearing public that we shall leave no sock unturned in our search for someone to frame. And in the meantime overtime is simply not an issue. My worshipful brethren have had an expensive Christmas, you know, they can't nick all their Christmas gifts from the recovered stolen property lockers and there's simply not as much money in drugs and porn as there used to be and so they need every penny they can get and  are dedicated to drawing-out this enquiry for as long as possible.  I, myself am considering flying to Portugal to liaise with senior colleagues there so that we, as a force, can learn some lessons, particularly about how Drs Gerry and Cilla McCann managed to blame local police for their own neglect of their own children.  And while I am there I shall go down to the beach and draw some lines in the sand.  A book? Well, it's early days yet but it might be something to consider in (early and lucrative) retirement.  A film?  Who would play me? Well, Mr George Clooney does bear a passing resemblance. You'll have to speak to my agent.


Greater Manchester Police are to receive lessons in politeness from the famous shopkeepers, John Lewis.(Honest, not invent)   Assistant Chief Constable, Mr Brian Gob, said that his officers were a bunch of obnoxious thugs in uniform.  They are a dedicated bunch of worthless pricks, slags, pimps, thieves and bullies,  who cause more crime than they prevent, are utterly lacking in manners, treat decent members of the public like shit and who, quite frankly, if they weren't wearing the glorious uniform of law enforcement  would all be in Strangeways, up each others arses, in-out, in-out, shake it all about. I mean, have you seen the nasty gay bullyboys on these traffic cop shows,  

PC Mark Carter, Mr Gay UK, 2007.

they're basically at war with everything  people hold dear, what a bunch of stupid, nasty degenerates; freaks, is what they are, where do we find them. Anyway, John Lewis have offered to teach some of them how to behave like public servants and decent human beings, although with most police officers I suspect they will be pissing in the wind. Which, of course,  is a criminal offence.  No, a well mannered police force, you must be joking,  most of my gang of smirking thugs can't wait for the proper riots to start.  That split-arse bitch, down in Wiltshire, who got that sergeant sacked, she better not show-up around here,  that's all I can say.  The police come out? What, all of us? I shouldn't think so. Move along now, sir. Or I shall have to draw my baton and beat you to death.


Verge said...

Dear Mr Ish, another "honest, not invent" gem pasted below:

‘Lessons should be learned’ from A1079 horse shooting incident at Dunnington

* By Dan Bean » Reporter

THE police chief who investigated the killing of two horses by police marksmen near York has said lessons should be learned from the incident.

Chief Superintendent Andy McMillan, director of specialist operations at North Yorkshire Police, said it was “a matter of regret” that it took police so many shots to kill the animals, but said they had no choice but to shoot them.

Chief Supt McMillan has investigated the incident at Dunnington on September 12, in which police shot wild horses amid concerns that they would get on to the busy A1079.

He said firearms training was being reviewed, to give officers more information about handling animals, and said the force would work with the British Equine Veterinary Association.

Police were criticised by local residents and animal lovers following the shooting of the stray horses. Following the outcry, Chief Supt McMillan investigated police tactics.

He said it was clear from public and police reports that “the public were in danger from the horses straying on to nearby A and B roads”, and attempts to corral the horses had failed.

The report said: “Expert advice was taken from two specialist equine vets and the considered decision was made that the horses posed a very real and serious threat to public safety, particularly to those travelling on the nearby A1079.”

Police considered using tranquiliser darts but ruled it out due to the distances involved.

Chief Supt McMillan confirmed 18 shots were fired at the first horse, 15 from “a significant distance”, with officers climbing on to a police vehicle for a better angle.

He said: “Due to the demeanour of the first horse it was not possible for rifle officers to come closer than 300 metres, thus all but three of the 18 shots were made at significant distance with a small sight picture of an animal moving erratically and at speed.

“After the first two shots, the first horse had not fallen to the ground so it became imperative to despatch it as soon as possible to prevent unnecessary suffering. This involved an additional 13 shots at distance, utilising the raised vantage point on the back of the police 4x4 vehicle to ensure the shots were fired downwards to maximise public safety.”

When officers approached the fallen horse, they realised it was still alive, so three more shots were fired. The report showed the second horse was killed instantly by simultaneous shots fired by two officers.

Chief Supt McMillan said: “It is a matter of regret that it took 18 rounds to despatch one of the horses. However the unique nature of the incident posed a number of significant difficulties.

“The location, the demeanour of the horses, the failure of traditional resolutions and the significant risks to public safety made this incident extremely difficult to resolve and firearms were only used by officers as a last resort.”

The firearms commanders, officers and tactical advisor had behaved in a professional and competent manner, in line with training and guidance.

Weapon systems were being reviewed to ensure effectiveness.

call me ishmael said...

He really is a national treasure, isn't he, Chief Superintendent Gob?

jgm2 said...

The big myth, perpetuated by film, is that you shoot something and it drops down dead. No it fucking doesn't. Well, maybe 25% of the time it does. Animals (and us) are like fucking battleships. You shoot one bit and emergency air-tight doors swing shut isolating the wound and pumping fuel and oxygen another way around.

And then the animal (or us) either fucks off and dies in agony or b) rounds on its tormenter and charges. Fight or flight. Instinct. All this takes over.

Which is the point the fox-hunters were attempting to make. Here you have police fucking marksmen who cannot hit a horse with sufficient accuracy to kill the fucking thing but the bed-wetters are absolutely convinced that amateurs need only squeeze off a shot and foxy will just drop down dead. Can't fucking tell 'em. Oh no. If you can't kill it instantly with a single shot then you shouldn't be shooting the poor foxy-woxy's at all. You should be a better shot.

No such problem with a pack of dogs of course. Totally binary. Dead or Completely Safe. No crawling off to die of starvation. None of that shit. But the bed-wetters not interested in that. Just more fucking class war. Get the toffs off their horses.

Animals dying in agony over the course of several days? Nothing to do with us. We showed those toffs eh?

mrs narcolept said...

God. Helpus.

The demeanour of the horses? What were they doing, a protest march?

I hope they all get prosecuted.

mongoose said...

Jeez, my eleven-year-old can fetch a horse from a field. If they had rung the nearest riding stable, it would have been over and tidy in ten minutes.

Thank goodness copper bastards really are clueless muppets.

Dick the Prick said...

Isn't Mr Gay UK on trial for rape or sommet? I shall check....

Dick the Prick said... verdict yet - seems strange.

Comes from my town too, rejoice!

PT Barnum said...

Meanwhile, in other news, ITN have been barred from CS Gob's press conferences for a report drawing attention to the unorthodox (read shambolic) investigation to date. Tough on dissent, tough on the outlets of dissent.

Verge said...

Mr jgm2's point is well made. Just imagine how much more efficient the old flying squad might have been if they'd set about Stephen Waldorf with a pack of hounds instead.

No doubt Mr G.U.K.'s weapon system is being reviewed to ensure improved tactical effectiveness in future operations. Spot of diversity training and we'll say no more about it, old son.

Brian said...

Police carbines are 5.56mm calibre which is ok for Mr Fox but any ful kno that 7.62mm or equivalent is needed to guarantee to kill a red deer or larger with a chest shot(bigger target than the head) for anything greater than close range with a compliant animal. Specialist firearms officers have access to sniper rifles of this calibre or they could ask a grown-up deer stalker to do the job for them. Some Police forces have gamekeepers on call for this purpose. Some reports suggest that one horse was shot in its legs (shooting out the tyres?) which suggests wilful ignorance in this case.

jgm2 said...

I think any deer stalker will likewise tell you that even at .243 half the fuckers will leave the scene at full tilt and keep going for several hundred yards even with their lungs all over the surrounding countryside.

Brian said...

.243 or 6.2mm is indeed about the minimum calibre for deer.

a young Anglo-Irish catholic said...

The Sock conference was anticipated by Monkey Dust, surely an animated satire sent from God to try and make us wake up.

Watch this Mr I, if you haven't seen it, and compare and contrast with Mr Architect father.


richard said...

.223 is ok for deer, but even a crossbow - in the hands of a skilled shot - will kill a deer. Accuracy is everything. The cops and horses story reminds me of the former parachute regiment colleaugue of mine who told me that they would wait for sheep to stray onto the range - added to the occasion if you are a heartless swine.

Woman on a Raft said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Woman on a Raft said...

The spam filter must have eaten the last one. I was trying to find out if Mark Carter had stood trial at Leeds Crown Court on 13 December 2010 in connection with alleged offences in December 2009, but the trail goes cold. The papers that morning expected him to, but there's no report of what, if anything, happened.

What is interesting is that the Mr Gay UK competition and promotion is owned by Leeds entrepreneur Terry George.

This other case popped up while I was rummaging.

January 05, 2011


LEEDS, YORKS. A crooked anti-terror detective was jailed for 12 months today (Weds) for cheating the Metropolitan Police out of nearly £12,000 while investigating the 7/7 bombings. Det Sgt Andrew Bramwell, 41, is the second officer from the investigating team to be imprisoned for scamming the force in the course of the operation.


I don't know if that's a Met officer who was tried in Leeds, or a W. Yorkshire officer who went down to the Smoke and sharped them for the money, because it doesn't count if you take it from someone else's force, everybody knows that.

Woman on a Raft said...

Good grief, it is touchy about links.

Terry George is the Leeds entrepreneur who appears on various telly progammes. Paste this in to your browser:

Despite the police being supportive of the 2006 pageant, I'm not convinced it is a good idea to have police officers mixed up in someone else's business deals.

call me ishmael said...

"I'm not convinced it is a good idea to have police officers mixed up in someone else's business deals."

Works very well in the drugs and vice and robbery industries, mrs woar - I mean, how would they work without the help of Old Bill, Queen's Award for Industry, that's what they need, the police. Maybe Lord Tarzan could present it, he often strikes me as the Gay Lord of the Year, all that hair, all that rage, a proper policeman's friend.

A modest man, that bentrepreneur, Mr George, isn't he, giving all that money away, and only telling the whole world about it. Quite the Lady Sir Elton of the North.