Sunday, 30 January 2011


 Hush, HoneyPie, no lovin' now,  Momma's working.

President Hillary Trousers, the US Secretary of State, said on Friday "My fellow motherfuckers,  the protests underscore that there are deep grievances within Egyptian society, mainly about us, and the Egyptian government needs to understand that violence will not make these grievances go away. And sure as flies on shit, it won't make us go away, neither.  We are deeply concerned about the use of violence by Egyptian police and security forces against protesters, this is normally the job of the US Marine Corp (semper fi and gays now welcome)." Mrs Clinton told reporters.

"And my husband, Spunky Bill, together with Middle East Peace Envoy, a-ha-a-ha-a-ha-ha,  Limey Cardinal Blair, both stand ready to do whatever they can for money, and in President Clinton's case, pussy and drugs, the sonofafuckinbitch. What we need in this troubled region is for gay women to stand up and be stoned or beheaded. Only not me, of course. Nor my Chief of Staff."

Her comments, vague, banal and irrelevant,  were similar to remarks earlier made by Ms William Hague,

the UK Foreign Secretary, for the time being, who said,  " There is only twenty-four hours to save the Egyptian pound and I  call on the Egyptian authorities  not to support, I mean suppress people's right to freedom of expression. This is quite clearly ay matter for the Metropolitan Police under the direction of  Commissioner Murdoch, his heirs and successors. Mr Murdoch, the head of the govament, has made it clear that he does not believe that I am gay. Even though he has the pictures, locked-up in his safe."  Mr Gay continued, " I would just like to reassure those lithe, handsome, darkskinned boys rioting in Cairo that there are other ways of achieving their ends away. They could come and work for me in the Foreign Office (the job involves frequent travel and staying in a hotel room with me, quite normally, overnight, and scampering around together in the morning, like puppies, see below for job description, applicants must be between, well any age and twenty-five. But seriously, as Foreign Seckatry, I have given those Egyptians a jolly good,  statesmanlike  talking-to. So that should sort them out."

 Two young men, full of joie de sperm, I mean vivre,
discuss the tragedies of miscarriage,
after an evening of perfect heterosexual normalcy,
sucking each others dicks.


Actually, my great Grandfather was a Pharoah, said Mr Nick  Clegg, the deputy uelected prime minister of UK Strapped4Cash plc, and intolerable fucking imbecile, when interviewed by Bravo TV News. Now, if you are asking me does this make me especially well placed to solve this problem, well, of course it does  and that's why the electorate elected me - in perpetuity, I might add - to be their deputy airhead fuckwit  lying bastard dumbfuck pussy-whipped sorryassed, shit-for-brains no-hoper and  good for fuck all hypocrite. Pledges?  I can do 'em wholesale; the thing is, you see, you don't actually have to mean them, in order  for you to nevertheless mean them very sincerely. This is at the very core of my being, this is why I make a point of always not washing my hands after I've been to the toilet; it is the very phosphorous of my political fibre, it is in the very bone of my marrows, it is the warp and weft to my mill,  essentially, it is the very essence of why we are Liberal Democrats, to lie but to do it with great sincerity, even to mean it passionately at the time, even though it's shit. Not that there's anything wrong with a nice bit of shit, ask my colleague, or former colleague, Mr Oaten, although, clearly, I have to say, that on balance, eating all that shit made him go bald. But all that's in the past and it doesn't matter, our home affairs spokesman being a fucking dirty bastard shit-eating hypocrite.That's what we Liberals are all about, shit and lies. Unlike the other two parties, I mean one party. All of us in the coalition are sincere, well-meaning, public school millionaires, very aware of the cost of living and the old-age pension.  Except my distinguished colleague and deputy, Mr Straight Simon Hughes, who's a cunt. No, what the Egyptians need is proportional representation. And windmills. Knock down all those rubbish pyramids and build nice, green wind turbines. These are tried and tested political principles and they should serve the emerging Egyptian Liberal Democracy very well. I and all of my colleagues are quite prepared to sign a pledge saying that Egypt shall have only seven fat years, even though we mean seven lean ones. Or even no food at all, like in the UK. Given under my hand, in this the four-thousandth year of Our reign. May the SunKing, the radiant, the bountiful CallHimDave  grant all your wishes.  But mine, first. Now, ff you are asking me for the LibDem policy on dictators, well, we are a democratic party, of course, but we work for the Tories, so you'll have to ask them."

It is fascinating to watch various parts of the Axiom of Evil unravel and dissolve, skymadeupnewsandfilth  and the proper Filth, the Old Bill, forced to do something, besides sack a couple of fat,  useless, gobby wankers;  the Spiv economy, such as it is, showing what it's made of, fuck all; the gangsters' molls,  meeting in Switzerland;  the Tunisians playing up; the so-called UK health reforms rubbished; the Nimrod scrapping rubbished; the student still playing up and now this bastard, Mubarak, another of the West's strong men suddenly, like the late Shah of Iran, almost persona non grata; the witch, Clinton, shitting herself lest the Muslem ragheads take over Egypt on her watch; how could she and Spunky Bill run for Mrs President, humiliated by the Ayrab street? Obama sermonising, as ever,  like a fucking idiot, a billion and a half skint taxpayer dollars shovelled, every year, into this shitty regime which, all of a sudden is being seen for what it is; his endless sanctimonious triads, dah-de-dah-de-dah-de-dah, pontificating idly about what he will and will not accept, what America expects of its paid torturer-in-chief; I don't know about others  but, as with Cameron, I now just have to turn Obama off, so discordant is his reality with mine, so deceitful his words, so calamitous his actions. I just had enough, with the DeadKiddyFest a while back.  This is an achievement unique to Obama, my switching-off PROTUS, at his first I-Know-Best, God-Bless-America cadence.

An angry Egyptian citizen was  on the radio tonight saying that all the Egyptian has expected from his dictator is violence and extortion, supported, body and soul by the UK and the US.  Since the death of Anwar Sadat and the subsequent dictatorship of Mubarak there has been rarely a word from either Uncle Sam or ourselves  to chide, much less reproach Mubarak. It was the same with the late Mr Saddam Hussein, vicious, wicked dictators kept in power whilst they suit the purpose of GlobaCorp. Now, the squirming has begun anew, State Department, Foreign Office, EUSSR and skymadeupnewsandfilth wriggling this way and that, shit oozing from their very pores. We have yet to hear from Bloody Blair, but it can't be long, he is in charge of peace over there, isn't he?

This is what the Egyptian author had  to say on the BBC PM programme on Saturday:

This is not just about the price of bread...... a clear message to Mr Mubarak, the people want him gone. On his thirty-year watch education and health have become abysmal and the citizen expects only violence and extortion from the state;  no-one sees a viable future for themselves or their children - except, of course, the people at the top of the pile, Mr Mubarak and his family and cronies, pillaging the country for short-term gain, like a foreign, invading force - but what is really important to know is  that they couldn't have done it without the support of the governments of the United States and the United Kingdom.

Yesterday, Mr Mubarak persuaded internet and mobile phone providers to kill our messages but still half a million were out on the streets, orderly, courteous and good humoured, for this they are being gassed and shot-at at home and bad-mouthed in the international media. The forces of law and order are turning crminal gangs loose on the street and it is the protesters who are protecting life and property, while the regime lies to the world about what is going on.

We have much to be proud of, today, our young people have taken a peaceful and democratic initiative amd we, the older citizenry, have fallen-in behind them;  we will help them in every way they ask us and what they are asking now is that I appeal to you to do everything that you legitimately can to deny this regime support and also to restore communications so that they can be back in touch with you and part of your world again.

I was down Tesco tonight, the food inflation, since Christmas, is staggering, five per cent, my arse. Today, the unelected Hosni Mubarak, tomorrow, the unelected Hosni Cameron.......


PT Barnum said...

Tunisia has been written off by the commentariat as a kiddie's playground sideshow, but Egypt? Now that's a proper grown-up threat to the nasty self-serving status quo of MilitaryAdventuring Inc. I have yet to hear the word 'Israel' mentioned in any report but it's hovering there like a spectre of ghoulish visage and clanking chains. The Israeli regime has long derided the tendency of Egyptians to provide support to the benighted folk of Gaza. What will it do if that were to become official Egyptian policy?

yardarm said...

Given the US/UK disastrous track record in the Middle East and the useless cocktrumpets in charge we can expect a textbook example of blowback. No doubt Barry Bullshit and Mrs Spunkstain and Wysteria, should anyone give a fart about what he thinks,will be aiming for some acceptable bumboy who`ll do as he`s told and not threaten Israel.

The inevitable result of their efforts will be a takeover by the nutters and quite possibly Osama paddled up the Nile to be enthroned in Cairo mosque as Caliph of the Faithful.

Pity Blair can`t fly in and sort it out as there`s a chance he could get his head kicked in but no doubt he`s addressing the Alice Springs Chamber of Commerce on behalf of his wallet.

Every time I see that one of Hague in the baseball cap and the SPAD I have to remind myself that`s the heir to Palmerston on the left, not Jimmy Somerville of the Communards.

a young anglo-irish catholic said...

That picture of Hilary Trousers says so much, it's hard to know where to start. Whoever took it should have been given a Pulitzer.

And thanks to Stanislav for

UK Strapped4Cash plc

genius, as ever

call me ishmael said...

The text doesn't do justice to the item on Radio Four which I italicise; carefully written and beautifully delivered it is of course a piece of propaganda, the sort of thing that writers do - even so, it is inspiring, the sort of thing which, drowning, ourselves, in the cheesy soundbites of worthless politicians, restores our hope, our belief in humankind making compassionate landfall. It's on the BBC iThing, PM, Radio Four, yesterday, at about 55 minutes in, just after the interview with an up his own arse pianist.

As to Mr ptb's question, well, one would hope that plucky little Israel would welcome the end of cruel dictatorship, of a torturing police state on it's doorstep, might even be persuaded to cease its own internal holocaust. On the other hand, it might say something in the Books of Ancient Superstition and Madness about a fiery, End of the World scenario and everybody going up to Heaven, rather like the Muslems do. These Abrahamic religions, they'll be the death of us yet, and me an unbeliever, doesn't seem fair, really.

mongoose said...

Well, the shit seem to be heading for the fan in Egypt I see. Once the army starts siding with the protesters, it is a sure sign that the next man along the line has decided it is time for his turn on the gravy train. Mubarak will be off to the sunny Riviera (or somewhere such) any day now. General al-Some-other-bastard will be in place by Wednesday. State of Emergency "to allow time for the country to recover" and off we go again. New boss, same as the old boss. It's just like home, so it is.

a young anglo-irish catholic said...

Was walking thro some poncey bit of London this aft and saw an add for a holiday resort in Egypt plastered down the side of a bus.

'Where it starts' said the catch line.

Quite so.

Caratacus said...

Not just inflation Mr.I - by the end of next year the stock market will be half what it is now so all pensions will be even more fucked.

Still, I did see last week that the Daily Spurt (sorry - Express) was predicting that the price of houses is set to soar away this year, so that's all right then.

As you intimate, bin Cameron could yet experience the metallic taste in his mouth that precedes evisceration ...