ONE ROTTEN APPLE
Thousands of iThing owners up and down the land were fired today as they failed to make it to the office on time. My wake-up app didn't, said a disgruntled Mr Dave Cunt, an IT manager from Walsall, and when I got in they used my lateness as a reason to sack me, that and the fact that my name's Cunt not Hunt. I feel like taking Apple to Court, only they'd win, they always do. Maybe I could buy a legal app for my iThing and it could sue itself. How'm I gonna find a new job, wailed Mr Cunt, what with the cuts, which I know are incredibly necessary, and not being able to wake up in the morning because of app failure?
BLOATED OLD FAG ENDORSES MORE PRODUCT.
Mr Steven Fag, a paid spokesman for Messrs iShit, said, Absolute pish and nonsense, My Dears, there are simply no problems with the fabulous iThing, I personally slip mine in my special place before retiring and it wakes me up a treat, I can tell you, talk about Good Vibrations, just in time for some simply delicious breakfast sperm with my young partner, half my age, with whom I have so much in common, sperm and arses, and such like. And of course we are both actors. Mr Cunt is probably one of those vile heterosexuals - although I must say I do have some delightfully straight Godchildren, so pretty, the little minxes - and what he should do is take his simply wonderful iThing, set the alarm on it and shove it up his Clive Anderson overnight; all the best people do it, Johnny Sessions, Jimmy Carr, absolutely everybody, I simply can't tell you. Heterophobia? Simply all the rage at the BBC, can't you tell? Now, darlings, before you go, can I interest you in a cup of Twinings Tea, perhaps tempt you with some Direct Line Insurance?