Sunday, 9 January 2011

FROM THE WHITE HOUSE

PRESIDENT OBANKA ON HEARING THE SHOCKING NEWS  OF AMERICANS SHOOTING ONE ANOTHERS ASSES CLEAR TO HELL.

My fellow motherfuckers.  This is a great nation.  A proud nation.  A bankrupt nation.  And as your president and motherfucker-in-chief, I vow to you, my country, that we will track this sonofabitch down, who did this dreadful thing, in Tuscany,  Arizona, to our fellow-motherfucker, Congresswoman Giffords.  And fry his ass. And when you get a chance, in just two short years, to vote for me again, I simply say to you, Yes, you can, motherfuckers.  These sonsafuckinbitches, in the Tea Party Party, they're not true Merkins, I'm not saying that Sarah Palin done blasted that poor decent Democrat plumb in the head, popped some caps in all them other dudes and dudeesses, but you can bet yo' sweet asses that she done was behind it all.  Fuck me, Jesus, niggers, cain't y'all see what's goin' on here, first they come for the Senaors and Congressmen, then they come for the President and before y'all know Jack Shit I'm stretched out in ma box, doin' that lyin' in state shit, right here, in the Goddamned Capitol building, jus' like I was JF-fucking-K, kick-ass crewcut psychobastard mommasboy gang-rapin' cocksuckin'  marines at every corner and George Dubya wettin' hisself with laughter, an' all my so-called friends all sniffin' round Michelle, offerin' they best condolences, condolences spelled with a capital dick, motherfuckers, be half a Washington hungry for some o that foxy gravy.  That ain't American, motherfuckers, shootin' at Goddamned ee-lected represennatives. But I always did say that Alaska wasn't a proper American state, fulla fucking eskimos and Russians.  I ain't saying that Governor Palin is the enemy within, only that she sure as Hell is. Shit, she's more of a threat to our way of life than that kangaroofucker, wossisname, Julian something, only he's a mite purtier than that moose-shooting bitch;  bound to be a faggot with a name like that, who ever heard of a patriot called Julian?
trans: more tax breaks for the rich.

You know, motherfuckers, before y'all overwhelmingly elected me yo' Emperor, I was just a poor ornery nigger, just like you, doin' my shit, jive-talkin' about ree-form an' civil rights an' all that shit, an' then, almost overnight, here I am, workin' for some, well, actually mosta the biggest bankin' names in the world.  Now, thay ain't niggers, fo' sure  they ain't, but that don't matter none, because they just let me, yo' president,  in there with 'em, makin' the coffee an' doughnuts an makin' sure, motherfuckers, that the tax burden ain't too high, on our wealth creatin' echelons,  that they continue to get the taxpayer dollars that they so badly need and that anyone who disagree with that shit gets his ass thrown right out on the street, it's the American Way.  I have a dream, motherfuckers,  I done climbed that  mountain and I looked down over the other side an seen me a land full of greedy bankers and Uncle Tom niggers like yo's truly, grabbin' up all them crumbs from the white folks's tables.  Like they say over in Limeyland, Why is Obama the first in his family to go to university? Well, maybe it's right that some o' yo' ancestors was slave niggers an' that all the good American bankin' families done made their fortunes by whippin' black folks to death, shit, sometimes, jus' fer fun but that ain't no reason why we shouldn't all rally round them with tax breaks and not sendin' them to jail and suchlike, Christ on a fuckin' rope, they didn't allow me to get elected just so's I could give 'em some long overdue shit, right back in their redneck faces. Nosirree, motherfuckers, I know my place. And I know that you, motherfuckers, know your place, too.

What's gonna happen, Mr Motherfucker, people ask me, when all them hedgefund-subprime-derivative chickens come home to roost, maybe when Mr Chink don't wanna lend us no more money, so's we can buy his trash offa him,  when their ain't no more American industry an' millions o' folks is thrown out their houses, ain't no Woody Guthrie song gonna make that shit better. No point singin' This Land Is Your Land, when obviously, motherfuckers, it all done belong to Chase Manhattan  Not even if the great Bruce  Springsteen hisself drags his ass outa his mansion and runs about  jumpin' up and down like a teenager  an' sweatin' like a bastard,  the fuckin' asshole. And the answer, motherfuckers, is easy.  We just go to war on some other gooks. We nearly at war with them niggers in Pakistan, already, just ain't declared it, why we done killed over two thousand Paki civilians in the last year, and that's just with drone aircraft, just wait til we get the gangraping babyroasters in there, official, like. An' then there's Eyeran, not to mention a whole host o' commie cocksuckers down there in South America, tryin' to do shit that benefits the people without first givin' most everythin' to the banks.  Time we sorted out that shit.

So there, motherfuckers, just cos the place is overrun with crazy bastards, shootin' folks in broad daylight just cos they don'r like their asses; just because we're bombin' and rapin' and killin' and torturin' all over the world;  just because the economy's going down the toilet faster'n the speed of light; just because the entire country is enlsaved to a handful of greedy cocksuckers doesn't mean America is not the Great Satan, sorry motherfuckers, I meant the Last Great Hope of Mankind, shit, no. America, land of the brave an' home of the free.  That's my gig, an' ain't I good at it? God bless America and God bless my fellow motherfuckers.

Band of the US Marine Corps strikes up:


 Ooooh, de Camptown Ladies sing dis song, doo-dah, doo-dah....we got a nigger in de White House but he won't last long, doo-dah, doo-dah day.
Gonna bank all night, gonna bank all day, Oh, I put my money in a savings account, but de bankster stole it all away.

12 comments:

jgm2 said...

No particular axe to grind with Congresswoman whatever-her-name-is but I find it hard to disagree with the overall sentiment of shooting a few elected representatives pour encourager les autres (he got a judge too - result!).

Bit orff shooting a nine year-old kid though. Mind you, when the US military does it then it's called collateral damage so perhaps that will be his defence.

mongoose said...

Gun-nutters going postal again. What are they like them yankees?

Wrinkled Weasel said...

Are you accusing the President of the United States of pandering to populist opinion?

PT Barnum said...

In terms of the ratio of deaths to spree killer, the Germans have three in the top five and we have the other two. The quality of the Merkins' postal killers is so low it's almost laughable. Quantity they have. Quality, no.

No mention, I note, of Alky Ada being a suspect here, only the immediate assumption it's a Tea Party-inspired stunt. Gotta send out the right message for the right time, ya knows. Never mind truth. Pah.

Edgar said...

Well, the inevitable personality profile of the suspect is due pretty soon. Will he be a lonely malcontent, perhaps even a 'sociopath' whatever the fuck that means? Will he have spent a lot of time on the internet, downloading violent images and how-to's on making cyanide out of orange-peel and plasticine? Will his old dad be a war vet with three purple hearts and the charisma of a doorstop? Or will he, fatuously, try to blame it all on a country that doesn't give a fuck about him and a government that represents everything he despises?
As for the 9-year-old, her parents must be questioning the wisdom of taking someone so young to a political rally. Well, the poor kid is well-and-truly indoctrinated now.

Mike said...

I'm with Mr jgm2 on this. They can't be held accountable at the ballot box, or by the law - though I have no idea who the broad was. Is it a suprise when people get angry? No doubt the poor sod will be characterised as deranged in some form, as Mr Edgar says, it can't be a rational response to the political class, can it?

PT Barnum said...

The 'deranged loner with odd notions' has already started. Former schoolfriends are enjoying their 15 minutes saying he used to be okay but then he started getting weird after they wouldn't let him in the military. Perhaps he was showing them what they'd missed out on?

jgm2 said...

Guardian website making hay about 'deranged right-wingers and Republicans and their hate-speech'. This all being duly recced to the rafters by the same folk for whom Thatch can't die soon enough or in sufficient agony to please them.

Jackasses.

The same Guardian that when that Muslim went into the army barracks and shot 20 or 30 people dead was urging us all not to rush to any conclusions.

Dick the Prick said...

Quite efficient carnage, really. Hey ho. Being a bit of a pisshead have always been quite reticent about going to Yanksville and knowing that every mother fucker got a gun. Kinda bleedin; obvious all in all.

call me ishmael said...

Never been to the States, either, mr dtp, horrified by friends telling me how you can go in a diner and eat all you want of ribs and steaks and lobster and burgers and fries and gumbo and coffee and flapjacks for about fifty pee and wondering who's really paying for all these fat Americans to eat themselves stupid.

Edgar said...

It's a bit of a red herring, the cheap food thing, Mr I. I've been to the States and the food prices are cheaper when you take into account the exchange rate, but you also have to take into account the wage rates, which, at the lower end of the scale are generally worse than in the UK. My wife, who is American,tells me that what you can buy for a dollar, there, is what would cost you a pound here, and a job that pays you a dollar, there, would pay you a pound here. As you might expect, local prices are tightly related to local wages and the correlation is due to a similar level of productivity. Which is not to say that the US isn't living off the backs of others, but we, in the UK, are also subsidized by low-paid, overworked drudges all over the world.

call me ishmael said...

Ah, so. Didn't know that, mr edgar, about the differential. The gluttony syndrome is, forgive me, ballooning here, of course, too.

Have you seen those Chinese Eat All You Can For A Tenner joints? How they must mock us, as we stride up to the hotplates, time after time, for prawns and beef and chicken, as though we hadn't seen food in months.