Saturday, 22 January 2011


 Leave it to me, prime  minister, I can lie for you wholesale.

Flashman, floundering about desperately, "punished twice-ing", the clown, defending his catastrophic stupidity and arrogance in appointing the slag, Coulson, as his PR wallah, he has seldom looked so stupid, so shallow, so insulting.  The longer this overprivileged oaf is in pretend office the more one must roar with laughter at the money wasted on his education, one wonders if he can wipe his own arse, or is that one of dopey Michael Gove's tasks;  Oh yes, Prime minister,  I am dreadfully sorry that I have to keep apologising to the house of commons, Whoops, there I go again, aplogising, and so the least, the very least I can do for you is wipe your arse; now, would you prefer paper or tongue, prime minister?

An imbecile in a coma could see that either Coulson is lying in his teeth when he says that he knew nothing of regular illegality by his fellow slags at skymadeupnewsandfilth or that he is a thick as a fence post for not knowing  and that either should keep him firmly out of Downing Street. The view here, in Ishmaelia,  is that Coulson's presence in govament was Murdoch's price for supporting, firstly, Dave's warring ragbag of prats and chancers and braying, pinstripe hoodlums like Michael Fallon and then, when Dave couldn't even beat the most hated politician in living memory, this Coalition of the Unwholesome, this gang of nasty pimps and toilet-creeping, shit-eating hypocrites.

The view of the Lobby cocksuckers, in the form of the self-fellating Mr Nick Robinson of the BBC,

is that Flashman, dimly aware that he is an inbred, fish-faced mutant with more money than sense,  and a defecit in the IQ department - I don't give a fuck about his First in PPE, anyone ever listen to his tutor, Victor Bogbrush, the Tory Speak-Your-Weight-Machine? - needed the slag, Coulson,  to make his case to the lower orders; surrounded by public school millionaires, said Robinson, without any irony, the PM needed Coulson's "finger on the pulse of the common man "  the better,  one supposes,  to persuade him that we are all in this together.  This was one of Slaphead Robinson's  career defining reports.  The prime minister is clever, you are all stupid, hence the need for a bent toerag like Coulson to lie to you.

That the prime minister, half of his front bench and senior serving and former  officers in the Met are in the employ of the Praise God, soon-to-be-dead, anti-democrat, Murdoch


escaped Mr Robinson's fabled incisive scrutiny, It's because he's a cunt, Robinson, good for fuck all.


If there are still poor, sad, benighted  citizens out there, bleating that we should give the unelected, gerrymandering, Coalition of Degenerates a chance; if they are  still barracking Brown, as though he was here, as though he gave a fuck, as though he religiously read the posts at the Filth-O-Graph  and The PizzaHouseOfBlood and felt sorry about all his madness;  if they kneel before their beds at night praying that dinner ladies be thrown out of work in order for the bankers to avoid regulation,  that highly skilled nurses  make a career change to being shelf-stackers at Tesco or jumper salesladies at M and fucking S, praying, in fact, for anything which maintains Rupert Murdoch's exemption from paying UK tax, then what they should do is shout loudly for a friend to come and help them pull their heads out of their arses.  On the other hand, perhaps they should leave them there, HeadUpArseMiddleEnglanders. Too stupid to come out in the daylight,  too stupid to know even  when they're being fucked.


PT Barnum said...

Growing up in a council house and not having a degree in PPE would appear to be the qualifications for being a man who speaks 'common'. There are a few of those out here, Cameroid, oh, except none of us have a CV which includes defaming and destroying ordinary people for fun and profit.

I seem to have a permanent musical soundtrack in my brain at the moment: Pulp's 'Common People'.

Rent a flat above a shop
Cut your hair and get a job
Smoke some fags and play some pool
Pretend you never went to school
But still you'll never get it right
'cos when you're laid in bed at night
watching roaches climb the wall
if you called your dad he could stop it all

Dick the Prick said...

I liked the bit when Cameron said Coulson, over 3 'n' half years had done 'invaluable' work for the Govvament, the coalition and the Country!!! Err....correct me if i'm fucking wrong but wasn't/isn't the cunt hired by the Tory party for the Tory party?

Sure Cleggies crying his fucking eyes out that he's lost such an invaluable member of his team!

jgm2 said...

I suppose I'm one of those still railing against the economy destroying cunt Brown albeit in the knowledge that the wicked and malicious bastard's self-defence mechanism of weapon's grade idiocy is impenetrable using conventional reasoning.

That said, I'm the teeniest bit concerned to see you using the language of the Party-of-economic-ruination when you accuse the Tory-Led-coalition of 'gerrymandering'. I had thought it was common knowledge that it was Labour who had gerrymandered themselves at least an extra 15 or 20 seats based on their share of the vote. A situation clearly visible when (say) in 2005 Tony Blair's 36% of the vote yields a majority of 70 seats but in 2010 the Tories 36% of the vote results in a 40 seat short-fall.

Also, you appear to have temporarily stumbled off down Prescott's path railing against Murdoch and his 'anti-democratic' news. I'm sure Murdoch pays all the taxes he legally has to pay. I don't know how much extra in taxes the Labour party apologists like Prescott imagine he should be paying now that he no longer supports the Labour party. Taxes there was no question of him 'owing' between 1997 and 2008 (or 2009 was it when The Sun jumped ship?) while he was happily printing Al Campbell's press releases. But obviously, if legislation is required to punish Murdoch for not being Pro-Labour enough, then I'm sure they (Labour) will propose and enact such legislation at some point in the future.

In the meantime we could free up 2.7bn quid a year to spend on nurses and stuff by the simple expedient of firing everybody at the BBC. Another anti-democratic institution. One that is even worse than Murdoch. Because while Murdoch might simply not be paying as much tax as he could, the BBC is actively taking the tax they extort by threat of fine and imprisonment and pissing it into our faces telling us all what to think and proclaiming how 'independent' they are.

Why the fuss about Murdoch when that sort of shit is going on?

Fuck them. Fire the lot of them.

Better still, move them all to Manchester - pay their relocation - give them a year or two to get used to the private schools and ramp up their lifestyle because, well Manchester just soooo much cheaper if you've actually got a job, and then fire the lot of them. T

hen they can actually live in a fucking socialist shithole and see what it's really like as opposed to swanning around London imagining what an ideal one would actually look like as if they were some fucking patrician we-know-better benefactor, their heart-in-the-right-place-but-wouldn't-want-to-live-there-fuck-no.

jgm2 said...

And, furthermore,

We must all try to get away from this 2007-onwards reignition of class war by the wicked and malicious cunt Brown. There is no question that there are a few thousand bankers getting million-quid-plus bonuses and it sticks in the craw to see such fuckwits rewarded thus. But there are also hundreds of thousands of low-grade bank counter-staff getting paid relatively modest wages who are have been likewise been demonised by the devise cunt Brown. Tens of thousands of whom have already lost their jobs since 2007 while Brown, Harman et al had regular two-minute-hates to poison the public's mind that it was too fucking good for them. Just don't look at our part in the debacle.

Hard to feel too sorry for them I suppose after they'd spent the prior ten years trying to make their 'targets'. Any time you go into the bank, even now, they take a glance at your balance and try and sell you some fucking 'product' or other. Or set up a 'meeting' with their 'pensions advisor' or somesuch.

But still, the public anger directed at bankers might be more usefully employed by the public taking a good long hard look at themselves and asking themselves, hold on, just who was it that borrowed all this fucking money and pissed it all away? Well, Brown obviously, but also the great fucking British public themselves. And Brown has merely tapped into that natural resentment that many feel when they're actually beholden to anybody. In this case the fucking tens if not hundreds of thousands that they, personally, borrowed for that BMW or that family holiday in Mauritius or that fucking shit rabbit hutch built with 20K worth of materials and Labour. Fucking banks. Lent me all that money and now they want it back. Bastards. I fucking hate them. Lent me all this money and now won't lend me any more. Cunts.

Brown has deliberately set (low-paid) public sector worker against (low-paid) private sector worker. Meanwhile the top bankers and the council CEOs and HR departments and diversity wallahs will all be coining it on a 35 hour Mon - Fri gig with Final pension scheme.

Sorry to bring Brown into it again but he really is the cunt who, after a decade lull - longer under Major too - reignited the fucking class war to divert attention from his monumental economic clusterfuck. And the saddest thing is - it appears to have worked.

yardarm said...

Textbook example of the idiocy of politicians like Cameron who`ve done fuck all except politics and who show they know fuck all about politics when they appoint a liability like Coulson; the very appointment as Director of Communications to the Prime Minister triggered this, whereas if he`d been buried in some outpost of the Murdoch Dominion, say the Poughkeepsie Evening Post it would most likely have smouldered out.

Probably fantasyland now but possibly, just possibly this could start to unravel the whole foul tapestry: News Int, the Met, the politicians, Mediaminster. Who`s bribing who, who`s blackmailing who, who pulls the chains, who dances to the tune. Names, details, motives, consequences.

Round and round it goes: where it stops, who the fuck knows.

call me ishmael said...

Brown isn't here, mr jgm2. He is no longer in office. This is all a bit like saying Ach dis is gut, ve haff gotten rid of zat nasty arschehole, Herr Hitler und now ve haff zis nice Mister Stalin und ve must giff him eine chance, nein?

There is no contradiction in my saying that Murdoch is a cunt, now, I have always said Murdoch is a cunt, an anti-democratic filth peddler, relishing the opportunity to trash the lives of ordinary people. Man's a fucking monster. And his vile spawn.

I don't know how many times I must say that despairing of the idiot Cameron is not synonymous with applauding the idiot Brown and the gangsters of New Labour.

As for those borrowing stupidly, of course the borrower must beware but people operate in a climate set by govament and media and are, as we know, easily led by very clever people, by their betters, as it were.

Ruin is not a party matter, mr jgm2, but the preserve and the purpose of the New World Order; your old road - cigarette papers' thicknesses of difference between his servants - is rapidly ageing. The Tories and the Toiletmen are currently in harness and trying to trip up Brown and Co. - Blair, actually, by action and by default, the main man - seems to be a sideshow, its tickets sold, given away, in fact, by the cOalition of the Unwholesome. I don't want mine, somebody else can have them. Yes, rubbishuing Brown, that's the main thing.

mongoose said...

But now that we believe nothing, we must have our nothing presented to us artfully. This is the domain of Coulson, and those who have come before back as far, I think, as Ingham. Talkers whose tongues were all broken. But it is not their fault. They but shovel the shit for their masters.

If we could find a modern message for the centre and left we could put a stop to the prattling. Something needs to replace Clause 4, does it not? Tried all that lots of places. Doesn't work, can't work, nice idea though. Something needs to fill the intellectual void on the left. All they have now is rules and regulation. CCTV and fixed penalties on every corner. Fucking with everything to no purpose except the illusion of industry. The poor martyrs of Tolpuddle and the singing of the Red Flag just don't cut it anymore. Instead of redistributing wealth to improve the lot of poor people, we now just piss money away to create mr jgm2's client state. These, mind, being the grandchildren of folk who worked for a living before the Blessed Margaret closed them down and gave them nothing to do but watch Judge Judy. It is not enough for Millitwat or Balls - professional politicians indistinguishable from Cameron or Blair or Clegg - not enough just to prattle about hard-working families, double dip, bankers' bonuses, cuts, Maggie, Maggie, Maggie, Out, Out, Out. What'll you do now, my blue-eyed son? That's what we need to know.

The vilest of them all is Clegg. He is the one who has fucked the deal for half a generation. If he could but get his head out of his arse, even now, he could still get the gig together. The answer, you hopeless twat, Nick, is a return to liberalism. Retreat from the dead hand of government waste and stupidity but not towards the Workhouse or Nationalisation. Every Labour government there has ever been has crashed and burned in a financial crisis. Every single one! Now is the time to put something new in its place. "Sorry, we did have to give the socialism thing a go but pretty as it is, it seems not to work, and it attracts all sorts of cunts who couldn't put up a coat-hook. Let alone run a fucking country. Christ, Atlee wouldn't have let these bastards take their coats off."

But fuck them all them and their lies. Though Millitwat or Cameron? I'd rather have Cameron. Didn't we have this argument a hundred years ago?

PT Barnum said...

I see no socialism anywhere in the Labour Party, only a perverse form of paternalism, a thousand deeds and Acts designed to perpetually parent an increasingly infantalised nation. Our native socialism, born in the industrial murk of Manchester, as opposed to the Marxist-Leninist-Stalinist-Maoist varieties, was about removing legal exploitation and a tendency to being worked to death, and providing ways and means for self-improvement, through such things as self-organised education associations.

To call Blair, Brown, Balls et all socialists is to fundamentally misunderstand our own native history. Fabians, yes, but then that crew were closer to National Socialism than anything else. Allowing them to retain the socialist label dishonours the efforts of the chartists, the early trades' union movement, the guilds, the Workers Education Association and the hundred other small groupings who sought to improve the world just a little bit, with vision and an instinctive sense of shared humanity.

Left and right are really emptied out terms now. It's now a choice between Fabian paternalism and post-Thatcherite capitalism with a soupcon of philanthropy. And the 'common herd', as I heard someone call us this morning in a debate about Coulson, we are mere fodder for their wet dreams.

call me ishmael said...

There have always been heralds, mr mongoose, praise-singers, lackeys, bards; Ingham, the horrible fucking renegade bastard, just a rank distillation of the function into one twisted, bitter individual, a twittering Alan Bennet type with caustic soda in his veins, that achingly precious Northern affectation, remember the rotten old queen, shoving reporters away from his mistress, like a right old harridan. I betcha he was unnaturally close to his mother, like Lord Hatterjee. And him, Ingham, originally from the socialist movement which mr ptb so ably conjures up. I taught a WEA course, years ago - in prototypical anarcho-plumbing - and it was all the things he says of it, notwithstanding its nurturing of the shitbag, Kinnock, it was a largely invisible big society, like the mining villages, with their bands and clog dancing, now, living in Tesco-Plenty so many, curiously, have nothing and nothing to lose, save an empty confection of discerning, informed consumer choice affluence, as robust as spun sugar.

In a sense mr jgm2 voices a brutal reality- serve'em fucking right; mr TDG would say the same, were he around, but this is not a case for the chastisement of the many, we live no longer in the Old Testament and the planet, never mind the people, simply will not bear the depradations of Greed indefinitely. The bees are dropping like flies, massive numbers of colony collapses, the butterflies, too, many insect species, fallen prey to a Bayer- manufactured pesticide, neonicotinoids, a systemic poison which slaughters the wee buggers as they pollinate - or put another way, as they maintain the planets life support systems. The recent mysterious deaths of birds and fish in the US are attributed to neonicotinoids, which are now banned across Europe, mayhap too late, but not, of course, in the US or the UK. Bayer say that bees are crucial to its product development and refutes the evidence which demonstrates that bees exposed to its products die en masse from diseases which other, non-exposed bees survive. Not scientific enough, they say.

But I am alarmist, when all the bees die and the ground withers and the food chain shatters, why, the private sector will step in, take up the slack, do some heavy lifting.

Maybe this terrifying development in EarthCrime will aid the unravelling which mr yardarm posits, maybe a coalescence of sacked workers, ecofolk and mistreated, mateless mothers will overturn the tables, disconnect the cables or maybe, frigthened and furtive, Wayne will say to Chardonnay, Hey, babe, are you going to the Feelies, tonight?

mongoose said...

I meant not to sully the S-word with the likes of New Labour, Mr PtB. It is as you say. They are all just professionals, actors, whores even. And that is partly why we are where we are. The Right is on the right and the Left -because it has no ideas - is on the right too. How else do we explain our current ruination?

I see that now the new wizard wheeze is to shut the libraries. That's a fucking good idea, isn't it? Fuck me, you cannot make it up. Why has there not been an uprising? Absolutely get down the library and take all the books out. You shut the fucking thing and we'll use the books to stock our own. Much as it started, I guess. Philanthropy and self-help have come around again.

So how mcuh do you save if you shut a library? That'll be three librarians saved - less than but about a cost of £100kpa, maybe that much again in heat and light - and a lovely great big building to sell. Yay, that'll be five times as much at least. No libraries now. No books ever again for poor people. Good, eh. Keep them ignorant. Put the telly on.

Socialism did it's noble work indeed but the industrial revolution is over. The victims of this technological revolution - the information age - don't die puking up coal dust in Colliery terraces. These new victims die fat and flabby choking down choccy doughnuts from Tesco. American Idol on the telly their last vision as the light dims.

PT Barnum said...

I fear, Mr Ish, it will be the Feelies and the test tubes and the soma. How could it be otherwise when we live among people who have been so indoctrinated with terror of all bacteria and the commonsense of a spanner when it comes to dealing with an urban fox? Almost everyone younger than me seems simultaneously ignorant of and terrorised by nature. They fetishize air sprays which smell like nature but abhor the real thing.

And there are those few who have turned allotments into a lifestyle choice, not the living necessity they once were and may now be again. Even they would fail to see the humour in the old joke 'What's worse than an apple with a worm in it?' Everything shiny and perfect and synthetic. What hope the art of the beekeeper, that almost mystical relationship between man and insect, when it can be cleaned away with a handy spray?

We are deprived of skills and knowledge which would save our lives by all current faces of politics in this country, disempowered, turned into frightened, feeble children scared of our own shadows, even more scared of other people's.

I am currently sat in my place of origin, deepest rural Hampshire. I would have been hearing the shotguns take pigeons or rabbits later in the year and walking up to the farm to get eggs and unpasturised milk come spring. As it is, this is the quiet time, after yule, before the spring frenzy. The horses were turned out onto the new grass for the first time today. And it all makes me more aware of how utterly disconnected urban dwellers (including me, now) are from the real world. They sell our lives back to us in chemical form and we pay for it, just like our political class give us a little bit of our lives back while making us all pay heavily for it.

Dick the Prick said...

Not defending Ighman much but he did seem to do a job that we could all understand as press secretary. Now it's all Director of Communications or fuck knows what Campbell did.

If he was so good then why did the Tories do so bad? I hope that there can be some real debate on the BbykB channel and at least some attempt to curtail Murdoch now.

I hope people are getting a bit more media savvy but there's money in them there hills. That Facebook lad's worth $50 billion and us lot use computers loads - so, my question is, how does one make $50 billion by bumbling about on computers? The advetising revenues, money making aspects of media management are truly daunting.

call me ishmael said...

I don't know, mr dtp, perhaps Col von Fawkes can answer that.

An interesting observation about social media is that the customers produce the product themselves, earning revenue for the host, Fucking crazy, if you ask me. To an extent, we, all of us, generate product upon the back of which others -Google at al - can flog advertising space. Hardly seems fair. There'a an evensong up the road which you might like.

call me ishmael said...

Yes, the new Allotmenteer, growing aubergines and vines, it is rich comedy.