Monday, 17 January 2011



They're everywhere, useless fucking bastards, cooks,  in the bookshops and all over the telly. Used to be cops, doctors, lawyers, cowboys and Panorama, now it's fucking cooks, although they call themselves chefs, even if, not counting  souffle and saute, none of them can speak a word of French, apart from the French fuckers.  Why don't those fucking Roux brother bastards stay in France,  if they're so good at la belle cuisine.  Frog wankers. Probably wouldn't get a job washing the pots in a French transport cafe but pop over here on Eurostar  and people're falling all over themselves to pay hundreds of pounds for their fucking rubbish,  Ees zee apple pie, 'ow my Mama used to make eet, Ah, I can steel smell zee apples and zee cinnamon, eet ees tres deliceueueueueuese, zat weel be twenty five pounds, s'il vous plait, you Anglaise pig, Non, ees not for zee 'ole pie, ees for zis tiny leedle portion. Time  to kill the gobby fag bastards, and eat them. Frog, English, Spic, Wop, Dago or Chink, take your pick. What sort of a job is it, for a bloke, fucking about with egg whites? Country's hurtling down the toilet and you can't turn on the telly without some fucking mouthy  cook with an Equity card, larging it, with fucking  fresh chilies, is it chilies or chilis, I don't know, not the sort of thing a decent Britonshould know. That fucking Ainsley Harriot, what a cunt.

All a bloke needs know is how to do a traditional barbecue with chicken and burgers and sausages, maybe  a few nicely browned onions  and some proper white bread and tomato ketchup,  the rest of it is for women. And poofs. Like Gordon Ramsay. Balsamic vinegar, where'd that come from, what's wrong with decent malt vinegar, you can't put that Balsamic shit on your chips.

You won't catch one of them in a proper kitchen, they all hang around  the TeeVee studios.  Just go into one that smells of burnt fish skin, garlic and lemon juice and you'll find that infuriating, campaigning bastard and Mockney git, boy-man,  Jamie Oliver,

Luvvly-Jubblying over some revolting burnt offering, wiping his fingers on the arse of his filthy jeans and saying,  Oh My Lord and That Is Gorgeous and This Is What I Feed My Kids.  You just walk up to him saying 'Allo Jamie, my son, jus' come to shake you by the brass band,  grab him by the Barnet Fair, pull his head hard down on the chopping board, breaking his Marie Rose if you can,  and using a big triangular cooks knife, chop his head off  and throw it in the bin.  This might take three or four attempts, because he's closer to ape than man,  but just keep hacking away, it'll come off in the end. It'll probably keep chuntering on about flavours and herbs and Oh My Lording for a good five minutes but pay it no mind, pepper just loves strawberries,  that's the sort of shit he talks and ginger just loves Sea Bass. Stupid fucking bastard.  What you do then is you pull his clothes off and discard them, make a neat incision in his stomach and pull all the guts and nasty bits out, you can wear rubber gloves if you want, but I don't bovver, just wiping me hands on me jeans when I'm done. Wash me 'ands?| Nah, you can 'ave too much elfansafety, innit.  And then you just chop 'im all up into bits, rub 'im  all over wiv garlic and lemon zest, best mates, they are, Jamie an' lemon juice and season 'im wiv a bit a salt and a bit a pepper and frow it in a big pot wiv some good olive oil from Sainsburys and some coriander, or you can use parsley or mint or dill, or any a them herbs, or even some cabbage'll do, if you got any lawn clippings, just bung 'em in, to be dead honest wiv you I don't fink it matters,  they all taste the same to me. If you ain't got no 'erbs or no vegetables then a  good handful of weeds from the garden is just as good.  Boil the bastard up for an hour or two, correct the seasoning, stir in a good dollop of creme fraische, a handful of chilies and serve wiv some creamed potatoes wiv butter on 'em.   Geezer and Mash au buerre, as we call it in the trade. It's cheap, common, plentiful and nourishing, only not very.  And it makes you retch. Just like Jamie.

For a special treat and to kill three cooks with one stone, so to speak, try this imaginative three cooks in one Sunday Roast, or, hang the Sunday Roast,  keep it for a mediaeval feast, like they do on River Cottage, with all the neighbours dressed up - by Channel Four -  as churls and serfs and minstrels, drinking mead and wassailing. Just tie the Jamie bastard up in a nice parcel wiv some stuffing  and set aside. Then, catch Hugh Fearnly-Wanker - if you just stand there with a camera, he'll march up to you and start trying to make you feel guilty or stupid or both, for not being a pretend farmer and pretend restaurateur, like he isn't, at least not without a C4 production crew of scores - seedsmen,  food technicians, gardeners, labourers, drivers, all perpetuating this myth that clever. resourceful, industrious and ethical  Hugh does all this, just him and his  ghastly family and his pretend neighbours, the horrible fucking bastard.

and tie him by his lank, greasy hair, the dirty fucking bastard,  to a centrifuge, spin at 5,000 rpm for three hours, until he's dead.  If you want to hit him with a big stick as he spins around, that's all very well and will help tenderise the meat. When he's dead, chop off his arms and legs and head and throw in the stockpot, this makes a really good mediaeval stock, if you add enough OXO cubes and monosodium glutomate, put all his guts and organs in the bin for the dogs, and leave him to marinade in a mixrure of  fennel and beetroot  and freshly picked privet leaves and   store in a fridge until required.

Next, catch  Anthony Wobble-Thompson, he'll be outside, having a crafty fag, because the anti-smoking killjoys don't fool him, grab him by his nasty wee nonce's  beard

and beat the obnoxious bastard to death, taking great care to hit him full in the face with a housebrick or other culinary implement of choice,  even if he's not quite dead just  remove the head limbs and guts as before anyway, the smarmy little bastard deserves to suffer and it will improve the flavour. Spatchcock the bastard and with a cleaver held sideways, batter him out flat, taking care to rub lots of garlic and chilli into the flesh, to spice him up a bit;  place the pre-stuffed Jamie Oliver in the centre and securely tie  the  Hugh Fearnly-Wanker around him, making sure to drizzle some really good olive oil between them, along with  a good handful of garlic and chllies. Repeat with AWT  around the other two and replace in the 'fridge. When it's time to cook, roast in a hot oven until the juices run clear, or it's all burnt to fuck, like Jamie does.

Finally, to make the gravy,  look online for Nazi Scientist Re-enactment Associations and locate Heston Blumenthal

and kill  him by alternately dipping him in icy water and roasting him with a blowtorch.  Use a precision-made Krupps  thermometer shoved up his arse from time to time to check the temperature, it should fluctuate rapidly between freezing cold and roasting hot, it is best to gag Blumenthal during this process as the bastard just  can't fucking shut up;  when he's dead, hang him upside-down and drain the blood out, set aside and reserve for making ice cream a la Heston. For this you will need a helicopter, a JCB, some ice flown in from the Arctic Circle,  the band of the Argyll and Southern Highlanders, a half-kilo of uranium, a chainsaw and an industrial-sized, fully-staffed laboratory craned into your back garden.  You will also need 400 litres of double cream, a gallon of Napoleon Brandy, two dozen plovers eggs, a side of smoked salmon, ten pounds of pork sausages and a large bottle of HP sauce. Check the website for the full recipe.  To make the gravy, simply chop Heston up and throw him in a low oven overnight, in the morning pour off all the fat and the madness juices,  boil up the remaining bits, throw in some chillies and some garlic and some ginger and some paprika and some cayenne pepper, blitz it all up and dress with leaves from the garden or if you haven't got a garden, from the nearest roundabout or motorway verge.

Just pull off some chunks of the HughanJamieanAnthonyRoast wiv your bare 'ands, making sure you get a bit of all of 'em and put it on a piece of floorboard, I like to serve it on summink rustic, and  make a pile of mash wiv an 'ole in the middle and fill it  wiv hestongravy and then drizzle it wiv olive oil and sprinkle wiv some gravel. Or nice bits of glass. You can finely shred some bits of the Sun or the News ov The World  and just sprinkle it, artistically. Oh My Lord. GeezersanMash. Them's what you call Bold Flavours. It's really, really good an' interestin' ingredients  an' contemporary an' exciting. Just you serve that up to 'em and your friends are gonna fink you're the dogsbollocks.

Next week: We make a trifle featuring bits of Delia Smith,  Rick Stein and the late Fanny and Wanky  Craddock.

SAFETY NOTICE: On no account try to eat Gordon Ramsay, kill him by all means but just put him, whole, in your next door neighbour's wheely bin


Screcching Gordon is  unwholesomely just full of shit - veins, bones, tissue, heart, brain, all of it, just shit, bubbling away. Your correspondent worked, once, in the kitchens of a five-star two hundred bedroomed hotel and anyone acting like this cocksucker, be he chef de cuisine, sous chef, chef de partie, commis chef or kitchen porter would have got a brass-handled, copper-bottomed sauteur in his face, arsehole. Ramsay is to the catering trade what John Prescott is to the labour movement

On our sister  channel it's Gemtime and on offer at the moment is a fabulous combination necklace, brooch, wristwatch, steamcleaner and sewing machine made of pure Craponite in a Tinzanium setting,  there must be at least a quarter  carat of Craponite and very nearly two grammes of purest  Tinzanium,  yours for only twenty easy payments of sixty-nine pounds ninety-nine, plus p&p. A little bit over  a grand to own this remarkable wotsaname. I don't believe it. How do we do it?


jgm2 said...


Although I think you should stick that Worrall-Thompson in the middle of your three cook roast. Him being smallest and all.

And if you've only got time to kill one cook then start with Blumenthal.

It's what Delia would do.

Agatha said...

I'll take your genius and double it, Mr.jgm2. I laughed so much I've ruptured my coughing muscles. This reminds me so much of Stanislav's "A feast of Jamie", which is still only a cherished memory, as I've still not managed to track it down.
Thank you, Mr. Ishmael. No wonder we keep on coming back.

oily bastard said...

Even when that Jamie Oliver bloke cooks something that looks half decent he has to go and drown it in fuckin olive oil. Every fuckin time.
And for good measure he'll put a dollop of that white spunky creme freche shite that smells like a bangladeshi toilet.
I suspect he's mental.

mongoose said...

Yes, Blumentwat up the steps first. "Bacon and egg ice cream"? Look at me. I'm so clever. Twat! Had some apricot pie the other month, Mr Ishmael, in me local Frenchie. It came with basil ice cream. Twat!

a young Anglo-Irish catholic said...

Ah what a joy. Thanks, thanks.

Terrible week, had an anon email from Clarence House, says her-no-longer-in-doors has done it this time, trying to keep her out of the press, what wiv her current high profile.

I said to 'er endlessly, 'don't do anything you wouldn't want to be re-printed on pg 12 of the Daily Mail'.

And what has she gone and done?

Thanks for the joy, anyway.

call me ishmael said...

What HAS she gone and done?

Mike said...

Hilarious Mr I. That picture of A W-T had me thinking faggot & chips.

PT Barnum said...

I have often wondered if my lifelong vegetarianism would easily take a time-out if I were presented with the opportunity to eat social parasites, gobshites and politicians. I can, however, easily imagine feeding Prescott to 'my' feral cat (he'll eat anything). And liquidised Blair and Brown would make very good fertiliser.

Anonymous said...

A welcome addition to the scrap book of recipes I keep that include the plumbers Christmas turkey.

Dick the Prick said...

Hee hee. I know he doesn't get much teevee work these days but Gary Rhodes fucks me right off.

a young anglo-irish catholic said...

Well, Mr I

She works for Charles and has a high profile role in the run up to the wedding.

She buggered off last April which was fine. However, I got an anon email which told me she'd been 'in a relationship' since the spring.

Well, OK, whatever.

However, the emailer seemed to be saying that Clarence House had been trying to keep it all quiet and not just because of the potential for Mail-style sniggering the person handling royal wedding well-wishing is in fact up to no good in her private life.

But worse, the new name in the frame is a self-confessed drop-out who is trying to break into Fleet Street.

My calls were monitored for years because of the risk that her indoors - who sees and reads everything - would leak to me and I'd leak to the press (wot wiv me being a hack an all).

But now the security plods at Buckingham Gate have to deal with a very confused and chaotic key aide who has taken up with a wannabe hack....and that is very much frowned upon by the powers that be because of the risk she's being used. (Just think of the phone hacking).

My beef is with Clarence House and their alleged attempts to keep me in the dark. The press office gave me the 'no comment' fuck-off. just straining to call my contact at the Mail. Not cos of 'er, but because of CH and its drawbridge-up mentality.

You heard it here first, at CMI

call me ishmael said...

Wow. Why don't they just sack her, or send her to Paris, for a romantic, fatal holiday? I would watch my step, also, if I were you, mr yaic.

a young anglo-irish catholic said...


I think they'll break in to mine, steal my computer and say it was full of child porn.

They'd do that.

richard said...

What about the late Kieth "boil it in half a bottle of neat spirits and drink the rest as it cooks" Floyd? Now he was OK and not up his own arse, as I recall. Top post btw, Ramsay in particular is an insufferable cunt.

lilith said...

I used to like the Galloping Gourmet when I was a kid.

You only have to look at Ramsay's tongue to see he's headed for a stroke/heart attack so hopefully we won't have to wait long.

Dick the Prick said...

I went to see ready, steady, cook about 10 years back as a chum got free tickets. Good grief, we should have just walked out - it was horrendous.

Good luck with that Mr YAIC. Yowzers.

Dark Lochnagar said...

Fuck me, you must watch some shite during the day! What about the women. Can we just shag them instead of eating them, well tasty bits first. Bags me, the big Jewish bird!

call me ishmael said...

It's on constantly, Mr DL, morning, noon and night, it is the new drama, the new travel show, the new documentary, in some cases, the new soft porn. And by these means is a population kept docile. And fat, making ethical choices about baked beans, whilst Afghani children are put to the torch, Japanese children gang-raped by the US Marine Corp and Western civilisation put into reverse by by the likes of Cameron and Spunkface. And his AEminence, Pastor Obama.