Friday, 14 January 2011



You know, back in the 'sixties, every man in Australia was gagging to have me, and it was true that I did bang like a shithouse door in a gale but eventually I had to come over here to England, fuck every single pop star, celebrity and literary figure and become a great writer, professor and broadcaster.  My legs just spread-out, I mean my heart goes out to all those hunky resuce workers and they can come over here to Greer Towers and rescue my pussy anytime.  That'll be three hundred quid please. Plus VAT. I can knock you up twelve hundred words on Feminism in a time of Flood for, Oh, about a grand.


Y'know we wrote all our own stuff, said the unpardonably ugly, screeeching toothy fuckwit, Robin, or is it Barry, and we all learned to sing harmony.  Everybody's recorded our songs, Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton and that's what's so great about us, I mean me, what' so great about me, the others being very tragically dead, that'a what's so great about me. Australia? Hated the place, couldn't wait to get back to Blighty, although Florida is best, if you're into music and cocaine. Lulu? Was I married to her? Fuck me. When was that, then? You sure it was me?


Yknow, cobbers, when I was painting Her Maj, she did say to me, Rolfy, baby, shall one get one's royal kit off, but me being such a gentleman I just said No, thank you, Ma'am. I'm happily married, to myself and my fabulous career in the entertainment business.  As for the floods well I just prayed an old aboriginal flood-rebuking prayer and played some of the old sacred tunes on my didgeridoo and the waters never came near me, here in my country home in Berkshire. Powerful mojo,  that old abo shit;  it's what makes everyone love me, apart from me kids, that is, who hate me fuckin' guts.


Well with the greatest respect, Germaine is talking out of her deep fundamental.  I am the greatest ever living Australian - poet, singer, lyricist, comic, critic, director, dramatist,  editor, novelist, painter, sculptor, actor, journalist, broadcaster, raconteur, wit, gourmand and lover,  that's me; now, what's that hairy old bag done to compare with that, said the horrid smirking arsehole, his pigface contorted in a rictus of astonishment at his own genius and wit. Why does that Steven Fag get all the work, and not me? Queensland?  That's the place for him, may I say, very wittily. Geddit?  Queens' land? Ah well, as we say Down Under, a prophet is without honour in his own billabong. Waltzin' Matila, Waltzin' Matilda, you'll come a-waltzin'...............

And now over to Jayne Tits in Brazil, Jayne, what can you tell us about the terrible floods in Brazil?

Well, Kirtsy, I'm afraid the bad news is that there aren't any famous Brazilians, apart from Pele and he must surely be dead by now.  Many ladymen, trannies, chixwithdicks are  presumed dead in the floods which may impact the Brazilian tourist business, especially among  those travelling regularly from the Westminster Houses of Parliament,  looking for true love and anal brutality but otherwise nobody gives a fuck. So to speak.
Thanks Jayne, now over to Rob McThing with the weather.


banned said...

BBC Radio 2 chatathon today (Fri) leading with the story of brave Jordan who asked rescuers to 'save my little brother first' before being swept to his death with his mum.
Sad but predictable array of sympathetic callers crying into their keyboards until

"Why are we paying so much more attention to the floods in Australia rather than those in Pakistan? Is it because we only care about western nations?"

ie we are all fucking racists because we have more concern for kith and kin, our own folk, than unknown foreigners in rubbbish countrys.

Mike said...

Well Mr I, we certainly produce our share of twats, but fortunately most of them live abroad.

The Queenslanders are doing it tough right now. Here in balmy Sydney I'm loading up the 4WD to head north and see how I can help.

The Aussie spirit and mateship will overcome this - isnt that what defines civilisation?

BTW good opportunity to put up the price of coal (we produce about a third of the world's supply) and make a few bob. Every cloud has a silver lining.

Dick the Prick said...

Good luck Mike. Fucking water snakes - yowzers!

Caratacus said...

Well said Mike. Look after yourself up there...

mongoose said...

Well done, Mr Mike. Good luck up there.

KP said...

I've given them the shirt off my back.
Didn't cost me fuck all apart from some prime time TV interviews.

jgm2 said...


'"Why are we paying so much more attention to the floods in Australia rather than those in Pakistan? Is it because we only care about western nations?"'

Well I certainly don't give a fuck about Pakistan. When the cunts aren't shooting nuns and blowing up churches they're sneaking over the border into India and blowing up shit and machine-gunning tourists there.

They can go and fuck themselves.