Saturday 15 January 2011

HAGUE WARNS TUNISIA: I'M NOT GAY

 A STATEMENT TO THE HOUSE BY THE RT HON WILLIAM HAGUE, MOST LUDICROUS FOREIGN SECRETARY SINCE MALCOLM SHOUTY RIFKIND.

The United Kingdom Foreign Seckatry.

Ah, Mr, ah, Tiny Speaker, I must make ay statement to the, ah, house....

Just as long as it's not about miscarriages. I would remind the Foreign Seckatry that nobody believed a word of it  last time and they won't if he tries it on again....

Ah, quite so, quite so. I would inform members that today I have told the Tunisians that if anything happens to our citizens we will not shrink from not  deploying Harrier Jets, Mr Tiny Speaker,  in their protection,  on account of how we have, ah, sold them off and scrapped the Ark Royal. But  if they can wait for ten years or so, we might manage, Mr Tiny Speaker, ay flypast, or something. And it's all Labour's fault.  I have also reminded their ambassador that  I am definitely not ay gay bastard and have had my wife, Wotsername's, medical records translated into Tunisian, complete with X-rays,  so he can see the number of miscarriages she has had......

Order! Order!  the right honourable arse bandit will refrain from embarrassing his wife in  front of the whole world...

...and discuss them fully with his colleagues, so that they may understand what ay true he-man I am...

Order! Order! the House will come to order.  The right honourable gentleman simply may not refer to his wife's bits like that. I'm in charge here.

Ah, but perhaps not for very long, Mr Tiny Speaker, not the way your Mrs is carying-on. But Tunisia, when I became Foreign Seckatry I assured the Americans that even if they didn't want to  be in ay special relationship with us,  we were still happy to be their, ah, bitches, I believe is the term and in return for that we expect them to send some of their airplanes to strafe Tunisia into the ways of democracy. And if they should accidentally kill some of our civilians well that will just be, ah, collateral damage, as we say in the murder business.  I commend myself to the house. And will be available to members in the usual gentlemen's rest rooms, to thrash things out.


A portrait of the Foreign Seckatry as a young, gay man.
That's him, on the right.

9 comments:

Dick the Prick said...

It seems to one of those new fangled coups, yer know, not quite a coup. Not being an evil dictator or anything, one would think that this is pretty easy for the state to play so that the people remain fucked. Change a few seats on the deckchairs, offer a few minor concessions and then pull them back maybe later rather sooner. Ah, politics - different day, same old shit.


PS - that photo of Billy Hague is really fucking off-putting. uuuurrgghhh

call me ishmael said...

Which one, mr dtp, On his own or with his familiar?

Dick the Prick said...

The egalitarianism of the Tory party is anti feminist but pro women. I had 21 of the gits and the 5 ladies changed opinion. It seems misogynist but if gals wanna do what gals wanna do then sort it.

I think Billy is a good politician. It is a job, sometimes mistakakes are made. Useful appenticeship none the less.

call me ishmael said...

Jack Straw was, remains, a good politician, mr dtp.

banned said...

Since the Canadians can ban "faggot" what makes you so special that you can get away with "honourable arse bandit " Mr Ishmael?

Speaking with someone who appears to know the score re Tunisia, he sees one of several outcomes; an Army takeover, a coup by just another member of the privileged elite who "have no discourse" with the peasant population; a takeover by the Islamists.

Popular Democracy was not one of his projections.

call me ishmael said...

Sounds about right, mr banned, rather like our good friends, the Chinks.

jgm2 said...

Calling someone a 'good politician' is like saying Harold Shipman was an accomplished mass murderer. True - but not a reputation any normal person would want.

Dick the Prick said...

It's a toughie, to be sure. Where are the dividing lines between politics, philosophy, law, economics, administration and managerialism? I genuinely don't know.

It is much easier to analyse politicians who become leaders of their parties I guess. The cover of being a deputy is pretty good, even self deluding as in Brown's case.

I dunno, I think I expect politicians to want to be PM, to be ambitious, ruthless in their own progress. Hague's almost neutralized now because he's done it, Jack Straw had the opportunity to kill Brown but didn't. It seems odd.

On Political Betting folks have been speculating on Cameron's decision to fuck off Oldham and that there may be a strategy to held Ed Miliband; if true, then that, imho, is disgusting politics and deserves punishment.

mongoose said...

Try to think of the name of a politician with whom you'd like to have a sandwich and a pint...

There's your answer. Not a bleeding one of them.