Tuesday, 14 July 2009
SWISS BOB: STOP SENDING ME YOUR GRANNIES
A leading blogger. Mr Bob "Swiss" Bob, resident at le Chalet, Mt. Toblerone, Switzerland, issued the following statement today, through his Lawyer, M. Gnome, of Zurich.
I am sick to fucking death of it. Every time I open the front door there's another bastard there. Some old granny, trussed-up like a fucking chicken, or poulet, as we say in Switzerland, duct tape round her mouth and a sign saying Please Give Me An Assisted Killing, As I Am Now A Nuisance, I Have Consented to This Procedure, My Life Is Shit and I Just Want Some Nice Swiss Man to Strangle Me To Death. Honest.
How would you like it? Every fucking day, old English people abandoned on my doorstep, wanting me to top them ? And me a fucking catholic.
I had one last week, bloke said to me, All you Swiss bastards have guns, Just shoot me right between the eyes, I'm up to here with this shit, I'll pay for the bullet and you can just shove me in some fucking crevasse or other, nobody cares about me so there's no point wasting money on a funeral, nobody even tried to talk me out of it, my daughter even bought me the plane ticket, made me sandwiches, You enjoy yourself, Dad, getting shot, you know its for the best. You can do it in the back of the head if you don't wanna look me in the eye. How did a nice young man like you get into this line of work ?
My client Mr Bob Bob is very distressed by this state of affairs, with elderly people begging him to kill them every five minutes. On one occasiion he had more than a dozen old people outside his home chanting, Come Out And Kill Us You Worthless Fucking Bastard, Don't You Have Any Feelings? It is a matter which I was keen to refer to Switzerland's most eminent ethicists, until I discovered that we don't have any, eminent or otherwise, only bankers, and those people who live up in the mountains, carving holes in perfectly good bits of cheese.