Tuesday, 14 July 2009


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A leading blogger. Mr Bob "Swiss" Bob, resident at le Chalet, Mt. Toblerone, Switzerland, issued the following statement today, through his Lawyer, M. Gnome, of Zurich.

I am sick to fucking death of it. Every time I open the front door there's another bastard there. Some old granny, trussed-up like a fucking chicken, or poulet, as we say in Switzerland, duct tape round her mouth and a sign saying Please Give Me An Assisted Killing, As I Am Now A Nuisance, I Have Consented to This Procedure, My Life Is Shit and I Just Want Some Nice Swiss Man to Strangle Me To Death. Honest.

How would you like it? Every fucking day, old English people abandoned on my doorstep, wanting me to top them ? And me a fucking catholic.

I had one last week, bloke said to me, All you Swiss bastards have guns, Just shoot me right between the eyes, I'm up to here with this shit, I'll pay for the bullet and you can just shove me in some fucking crevasse or other, nobody cares about me so there's no point wasting money on a funeral, nobody even tried to talk me out of it, my daughter even bought me the plane ticket, made me sandwiches, You enjoy yourself, Dad, getting shot, you know its for the best. You can do it in the back of the head if you don't wanna look me in the eye. How did a nice young man like you get into this line of work ?

My client Mr Bob Bob is very distressed by this state of affairs, with elderly people begging him to kill them every five minutes. On one occasiion he had more than a dozen old people outside his home chanting, Come Out And Kill Us You Worthless Fucking Bastard, Don't You Have Any Feelings? It is a matter which I was keen to refer to Switzerland's most eminent ethicists, until I discovered that we don't have any, eminent or otherwise, only bankers, and those people who live up in the mountains, carving holes in perfectly good bits of cheese.

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Anonymous said...

As no fucker has a job anymore so no tax revenue its only a matter of time where it won't be assisted but compulsory. Not for the likes of the late great Queen Mum or her daughter with a million quid overdraft just on gin alone (they couldn't cremate the cow as would have taken 3 days to put the fire out)or Fergie fat redheaded slag brought to stop the inbreeding. They are OK just too many ordinary old twats who are no longer productive a drain on the state so just send them for a weeks stay at any NHS hospital that should do the trick

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Rab C. Nesbitt said...

Top stuff!

woman on a raft said...

I laughed. I hope this doesn't make me a bad person, but if it does, tough.

Note to file: it was Lord Falconer who was piloting the assisted suicide amendment through the Lords last week. It was defeated.

The House of Lords is yet to deliver a judgment on a further appeal by Debbie Purdy.


call me ishmael said...

Laughing doesn't make good people bad, although it might make bad people worse.

Fuck, I sound like Mr The Dyer's Garden. Stop it with those duality waves, Moriarty, always with the duality waves, can't you just think single thoughts, You know, man, beautiful thoughts, like one at a time, simple and, like, Man, ideally one that doesn't mean the opposite of itself, do you hear me, Moriarty? Mess a man's head up all that duality shit, you know, Man, gimme a fucking break here now, either something is or it ain't, right ? A thing can't both be and not be, Why d'you wanna do this all the time? No, don't tell me, I dohwannaknow. Now just get the fuck down in there and drive the tank willya, and leave the thinking to me. I'm the Oddball round here.

The Dyer's Garden said...

We pay people to get themselves killed in Afghanistan so why not let people pay to get themselves killed here? I say adapt public phone boxes - no one uses them for anything these days anyway - into single subject gas chambers. Dial the right number and off you go.

Anonymous said...

M. Jardin,

Way ahead of you: Futurama – Greetings from the world of Tomorrow.

The Dyer's Garden said...

Ah, yes, but I've got the patent in before you.