Friday, 24 July 2009




By skymadeupnewsandfilth's economics floosie, Jayne Tits.

Four of the grandees of British wotsit have been talking exclusively to me about being fat.

Lord Lawson of Husband's Bosworth said that he used to be the fattest bastard chancellor in the history of the Treasury, there may have been one even bigger, fatter bastard than me during the Napoleonic Wars but I can't be sure, I was certainly fatter than Ken Clarke and Nicholas Soames squeezed together in a striped waistcoat and a bowler hat singing Alexander's Ragtime Band. But anyway, as soon as I ditched my loyal wife and got a trophy one called Tracy or Sharon or something I soon shed the pounds, the avoirdupois ones, I mean, wrote a diet book and have never been slimmer. The economy? It's all fucked-up. Bit like Margaret Thatcher.

No, Je ne regrette rien, warbled Lord Lamont of Bermondsey. I did have some slapper Miss Whiplash renting my house and running it as a brothel but I just pretended I knew nothing about it and it all blew over, rather like the money on Black Wednesday. Fat? Not any more. The economy? Asking the wrong person, my love, haven't a fucking clue.

You're not going to shout at me, are you, whispered Lord Howe of Knifings In The Back, I used to hate it when she shouted at me. And that's why I did it, The speech. You know. The one about cricket, it was cricket wasn't it? Even though in a jolly good fellow sort of way it wasn't cricket. Fat? No, that'll be my wife, Lady Elspeth, but don't say I said so. The economy? Well, yes, steady hand at the tiller, play the game, jolly good show. I think it's fucked .

He's a good boysie-woysie, is Gordon, assured Lord Dennis "The Beggarman" Healey of OldLabour. Tax 'em til the pips squeak, that's the answer. You know, in my day, if you'd blown all the dosh you just went down the IMF on hands and knees and blagged a loan off 'em. Fat, no, not really, but that's probably because I'm nearly a hundred and not long for this world. Regrets? No, that's not me, that's the other bloke, Lamont. The economy? Fucked if I care. Would you ? If you were me? One foot in the fucking grave? Didya see that George Galloway on Question Time? Man's a complete cunt. Talks like he was Che fucking Guevara. Wouldn't a happened in my day.

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1 comment:

lilith said...

Poor chaps have shed their stylists as well as the pounds. Why didn't anyone tell them that the weight loss meant that their old clothes wouldn't fit properly anymore?