Friday, 31 July 2009

FROM HER MAJESTY’S STATIONERY OFFICE, DECEMBER 2010


THE REPORT

OF THE PUBLIC ENQUIRY
INTO THE GLORIOUS AND HUMANITARIAN INVASION OF IRAQ

AND INTO THE BENEFITS WHICH HAVE ACCRUED
NOT ONLY TO THE SURVIVING PEOPLE OF IRAQ
BUT TO THE WHOLE OF MANKIND

CHAIRED BY

HIS EXCELLENCY LORD CHILCOTT
OF
THE BAHAMAS

PREAMBLE

My Committee, every last one of them members of the Establishment and all shortly to receive peerages and directorships in keeping with their sacrifice found as follows.

1, CASSUS BELLUS

We found that, try as we might, we could find absolutely no reason for the UK to engage in an illegal invasion of a sovereign state which had shown us no belligerence. This does not mean that it was wrong to so do. Sometimes there may be reasons for such action but we just don’t know what they are and it is up to God to judge Mr Blair. We therefore acquit HM Government of doing anything wrong. As you knew we would. Because, fuck me, you don't expect me to tell the whole fucking world that our former prime minister is a cheap crook and a warmongering bastard. Now do you ?

2, CIVILIAN CASUALTIES

That many Iraqi civilians were killed or wounded or made refugee or tortured is, we feel, sophistry; these things happen in wars, especially illegal ones and those so bereaved, injured, uprooted or mistreated should think twice before becoming involved, they have no-one to blame but themselves and certainly not President Blair.

3, THE AFTERMATH

The Committee has concluded that Mr Blair should remain as President of Europe and we should all forget about all this shit, draw a line in the sand and move forward to our peerages.

4, THE SERVICE PERSONNEL

The considered opinion of the Committee was Fuck ‘em, can’t stand the heat, stay out the fucking kitchen.

5, RECOMMENDATIONS

1, In any future wars started by Mr Blair on behalf of his employers in the United States we, the Committee, would like to be, so to speak, in at the ground floor, on a percentage from the get-go, this will help all concerned to get their stories straight, well in advance of the exhaustive and far-reaching cover up. Like this one.

2, The nation should acknowledge the sacrifice made by the Empress, Imelda Blair and gift to her, in gratitude, Buckingham Palace, having first throwh Her former Majesty out on her arse.

Long Live The Emperor.

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11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Because, fuck me, you don't expect me to tell the whole fucking world that our former prime minister is a cheap crook and a warmongering bastard. Now do you ?" Well as a matter of fact yes.

Dick the Prick said...

Excellent. Job done, to the boozer!

PT Barnum said...

I would never call Blair a cheap crook. A very expensive crook, yes, wallowing in the mire of Mammon while, like any religious terrorist, preaching hatred and demanding blood.

Edgar said...

I have the queasy feeling that Blair's commitment to Bush, regarding Iraq, may turn out to have been influenced by a 'Special Relationship' ultimatum, like the one recently delivered in an attempt to bury evidence of torture.

The 'Special Relationship', then, would seem to be little more than a vehicle for blackmail.

call me ishmael said...

It is rumoured that a young "Miranda" Blair, was caught cottaging and said informstion was held by Uncle Sam's black ops people, as a lever, I dunno, nothing would surprise me. One of the two fat ladies off the telly was apparently in chambers, as they call it, with Tone and teases every now and again about his sexuality, it is she who says he was known as Miranda.

What is beyond question is that throughout the charade leading up to Shock and Awe, Tony and his gang were committed to doing Bush's bidding, the only obstacle was persuasion of the commons. A-ha-a-ha-a-ha-ha-ha.

tony the baptist said...

stanislav, how on earth did you get a copy of the report of the public inquiry into the glorious and humanitarian invasion of iraq before it has been published and the inquiry even held? jesus christ, i only finished typing it out last night! have you hacked into my pc you crafty little polish bugger? anyway, i've gotta hand it to you, i suppose...and hey, thanks for correcting the spelling mistakes and everything. great! well, have to dash, barack's expecting me to perform a total immersion on him in the chicago sanitary and ship canal...without the customary cement shoes of course!!!
ha..aha..aha..aha...
err...
big respect

spark up said...

spot on stan, makes absolutely no fucking sense whatsoever. this country needs utterly incoherent cockends like you to plan the next grand invasion into total fucking unparalleled absurdity. we'll win the war on reason yet, laddy.

call me ishmael said...

Thanks Mr spark=up, I love it when you talk dirty to me; loved the alliteration, too, on the poppyfields comment.

Dear Mr Baptist, isn't it about time you got your fucking head chopped-off, isn't that supposed to happen?

spark up said...

23:27

you're an astonishingly astute arselicker, ishmael.

tony the baptist said...

23:27

not till i've been locked up in a dungeon and an outrageously talented go-go artiste gets her kit off. you should spend more time reading your old testament, like me and bushy do.

alliterative fucking foible said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.