OF THE PUBLIC ENQUIRY
INTO THE GLORIOUS AND HUMANITARIAN INVASION OF IRAQ
AND INTO THE BENEFITS WHICH HAVE ACCRUED
NOT ONLY TO THE SURVIVING PEOPLE OF IRAQ
BUT TO THE WHOLE OF MANKIND
HIS EXCELLENCY LORD CHILCOTT
My Committee, every last one of them members of the Establishment and all shortly to receive peerages and directorships in keeping with their sacrifice found as follows.
1, CASSUS BELLUS
We found that, try as we might, we could find absolutely no reason for the UK to engage in an illegal invasion of a sovereign state which had shown us no belligerence. This does not mean that it was wrong to so do. Sometimes there may be reasons for such action but we just don’t know what they are and it is up to God to judge Mr Blair. We therefore acquit HM Government of doing anything wrong. As you knew we would. Because, fuck me, you don't expect me to tell the whole fucking world that our former prime minister is a cheap crook and a warmongering bastard. Now do you ?
2, CIVILIAN CASUALTIES
That many Iraqi civilians were killed or wounded or made refugee or tortured is, we feel, sophistry; these things happen in wars, especially illegal ones and those so bereaved, injured, uprooted or mistreated should think twice before becoming involved, they have no-one to blame but themselves and certainly not President Blair.
3, THE AFTERMATH
The Committee has concluded that Mr Blair should remain as President of Europe and we should all forget about all this shit, draw a line in the sand and move forward to our peerages.
4, THE SERVICE PERSONNEL
The considered opinion of the Committee was Fuck ‘em, can’t stand the heat, stay out the fucking kitchen.
1, In any future wars started by Mr Blair on behalf of his employers in the United States we, the Committee, would like to be, so to speak, in at the ground floor, on a percentage from the get-go, this will help all concerned to get their stories straight, well in advance of the exhaustive and far-reaching cover up. Like this one.
2, The nation should acknowledge the sacrifice made by the Empress, Imelda Blair and gift to her, in gratitude, Buckingham Palace, having first throwh Her former Majesty out on her arse.
Long Live The Emperor.