Wednesday, 29 July 2009


From skymadeupnewsandfilth's freakyoldbags correspondent, Jayne Tits.

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A mad dog is to stand as an independent candidate in Luton, should there be a general election. Well, you know,everybody says I'm crazy and I am, says the horrid, mouthy old bitch, but you see I just can't fade away and go into an old dogs' home, not after I have been so famous. Do you want to see my thong? Grrr, grrrr. Vote for me, help teach an old dog new tricks.

Emeritus professor of Newsnight Review and ludicrous Big Brother contestant, Dr Germaine Greer, below

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said That toothy old Sheila bangs like a shithouse door in a gale, probably fuck her way through the constitiency, if she can be an MP so can I, 'strewth, I been on as much telly as her. (sings) Sisters, sisters, there were never such devoted sisters....

Professor Greer has issued this leaflet as the opening shot in her election campaign,

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which, it is said, has Ms Rantzen, seventy-tooth, sorry, seventy-two, biting her tail in rage.


katie kwik-fit said...

has esther had plastic surgery?

done a good job tho'

Dark Lochnagar said...

Anybody who votes for the silly old twat is deluded, but there will be plenty who will. Not enough I hope to send her to Westminster.

woman on a raft said...

They voted for Margaret Moran last time.

Which has brought me a stroke of genius. MPs can have second holiday homes, we will pay for them, and they can have the sale of them free of CGT but those homes must be in Kabul or other cities specified by Mr Swiss.

Good weather, perfect place for adobe walls and a central swimming pools; Mr Swiss's geographical summary shows that although a lot of it looks like a quarry for filming Dr Who in, it also has rivers, agriculture, a small quantity of oil and gas, and plenty of culture for the heritage business. No seaside, but maybe they could flood a valley and create a giant leisure lake.

There is nothing so ferocious as an MP protecting their property interests. This could gentrify and stabilize Afghanistan in the manner of Hoxton within three years. If a number of estate agents get killed in the process it won't be nearly as difficult to explain to the newspapers.

Anonymous said...

An excellent choice for an MP, now after years of showning us potaoes that look like a penis she can tell us which MP has a penis shaped like a potato. All we need now is that fucker in the white suit to put his name forward, God help us.

The Dyer's Garden said...

I gather MPs are there first and foremost to engage with and listen to the electorate. Someone with a proven track record of connecting with the average housewife, whoever she is, would therefore seem a perfect candidate for parliament. Indeed, we need everyone in daytime television in there, ideally on the front bench. You are terribly outmoded on democracy, Mr Smith, have you not heard of the idea of "devolving" power to the people?

Caractacus said...

I have no problems with independents running for parliament including the odd mad woman. The present incumbents are appallingly awful so it can hardly get any worse. Perhaps, Mr. Ishmael might consider himself running. I'm guessing, but I'm sure a few people might think him mad too...

call me ishmael said...

It is the very Devil, Mr TDG, One can't turn around without becoming outmoded; I, for instance, don't know what an iPod is or does, and don't wish to.

Nothing against independents mr Dick, indeed, my remedy for the didiseased body politic would be that a legislature of five hundred souls be drawn from the electoral roll, as in jury service, one hundred of them to be replaced every year, none to sit longer than five years, just as long as none of them was Esther Rantzen. Or any of those bastards.

spark up said...

It is the very Devil, Mr TDG, One can't turn around without becoming outmoded; I, for instance, don't know what an iPod is or does, and don't wish to.

the ipod electronic instrument is an easily portable means of injecting oneself with a contrapunctal dose of js bach at any time or place of one's choosing in the privacy of one's own earole.

call me ishmael said...

Ah, thank you, Mr spark-up, I was right, I don't need one of those, my whole life is exquisitely, pricelessly private and still, my nearest neighbour half a mile hence; Scotland, best part of England.

The funny thing, though, is when you can make as much noise as you want, you don't.

spark up said...


sorry, contrapuntal, must mind my c's & a's in polite company.