POLICE ESCORT A CIVILIAN TO SAFETY
BEFORE KILLING HIM
I was proceeding in an Easterly direction towards my early retirement on a full pension and full-time employment in the security industry, when I failed to observe that it was the hottest day of the year, having been off sick when the weather observation training was on. I was on three months’ sick leave, Your Worships, as a result of my helmet having been knocked off and the associated stress and trauma which such an event brings, for my part in having my helmet knocked off I was awarded the Queen’s Gallantry Medal, as is customary; however I had been interviewed by the Force’s stress counselling department and judged fit to return to work, having put the helmet incident trauma behind me, and discharge my duties in the magnificently professional manner which the Chief Constable and Right Worshipful Master expects of all his magnificently professional officers, to whom you all owe a huge debt of bribes and moonlighting and people falling down the stairs and being shot to fucking death.
Not being aware that it was the hottest day of the year, I closed all the windows in the vehicle and locked it securely and I was very surprised to return only a few hours later to find that the dogs were nicely cooked, done to a turn, in fact. As an expensively trained, magnificently professional dog-handler who every day of the week avoids putting his life on the line I cannot understand how these animals died and must assume it to be the work of terrorists infiltrating the Met Office. The Police Federation will frame-up anyone who disagrees with this magnificently professional assessment of the facts and I will be going off on another three months stress leave. Anything you say will be taken down in writing, altered and used against you. You are not obliged to say anything but if you don’t we will put you in the cells and set the dogs on you. Only not those two, obviously. Evenin’ all.