Saturday, 4 July 2009



I was proceeding in an Easterly direction towards my early retirement on a full pension and full-time employment in the security industry, when I failed to observe that it was the hottest day of the year, having been off sick when the weather observation training was on. I was on three months’ sick leave, Your Worships, as a result of my helmet having been knocked off and the associated stress and trauma which such an event brings, for my part in having my helmet knocked off I was awarded the Queen’s Gallantry Medal, as is customary; however I had been interviewed by the Force’s stress counselling department and judged fit to return to work, having put the helmet incident trauma behind me, and discharge my duties in the magnificently professional manner which the Chief Constable and Right Worshipful Master expects of all his magnificently professional officers, to whom you all owe a huge debt of bribes and moonlighting and people falling down the stairs and being shot to fucking death.

Not being aware that it was the hottest day of the year, I closed all the windows in the vehicle and locked it securely and I was very surprised to return only a few hours later to find that the dogs were nicely cooked, done to a turn, in fact. As an expensively trained, magnificently professional dog-handler who every day of the week avoids putting his life on the line I cannot understand how these animals died and must assume it to be the work of terrorists infiltrating the Met Office. The Police Federation will frame-up anyone who disagrees with this magnificently professional assessment of the facts and I will be going off on another three months stress leave. Anything you say will be taken down in writing, altered and used against you. You are not obliged to say anything but if you don’t we will put you in the cells and set the dogs on you. Only not those two, obviously. Evenin’ all.

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Terrance said...

A fair assessment.

Rab C. Nesbitt said...

Spot, (or Fido or Rover), on.
Stupid, uncaring bastards.

Anonymous said...

Now whats the odds of you or me doing and the RSPCA not prosecuting?

call me ishmael said...

That's right. The Force should be banned from keeping animals, as you or I would be. Wouldn't make a scrap of difference, its clear-up rate will be in single or low-double figures, like all of ACOP's endeavours. Now that they can taser you to death they don't need the dogblokes anyway. Good for fuck all. Only themselves.

Anonymous said...

Consider the fact that the Police Force has never attracted the most educationally able young people.
Now, consider the fact that the 'education' level of school-leavers is falling year-on-year.
Conclusion: we can expect an increase in reports of mind-numbing stupidity perpetrated by individuals who are so useless you'll have to tie their boot laces for them before they can kick you to death.

call me ishmael said...


Henry North London said...

Taranis A most excellent comment

Love the irony Ishmael, A man after my own heart

Daisy said...

"A man after my own heart"


Fuck off, Henry, you boring, tedious, self-opinionated, patronising, witless cunt. You aren't even on the same planet, nevermind in the same class. Go back to recycling the thoughts of others, you can't even do that properly.

Henry North London said...

Is that the best insult you can come up with you gutless, blogger profile less, gurning weening over opinionated slimeball with a felching cunt?

Daisy said...

"Is that the best insult you can come up with"

I must admit, Henry, it's less than you deserve, but on the other hand, it took more time to type than you're worth.