Monday, 12 April 2010


 From the filth-o-graph

Vatican forgives The Beatles for 'bigger than Jesus' comment

At the height of their fame The Beatles enraged the Roman Catholic Church by famously declaring they were bigger than Jesus. At the height of his fame Pope Nazi has enraged the Roman Catholic Church by famously protecting, indemnifying and encouraging the perpetrators of a  world-wide holocaust of child sexual abuse. The horrible fucking bastard.

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EMI said it was looking to keep Abbey Road as a working studio. The Beatles recorded the majority of their albums there
EMI said it was looking to keep Abbey Road as a working studio. The Beatles recorded the majority of their albums there Photo: Apple Corps Ltd 2009/PA Wire
Their enthusiastic pursuit of the sex, drugs, rock and roll  and stupidity lifestyle also did little to convince the Vatican they were anything other than a thoroughly bad influence. If they hada been-a fucking-a thee leedle keedies   like-a Sir Gary-a Gleeter or a-looking at-a the keedy pictures, like-a Sir Pete-a Nose out-a the-a Oo,  they-a would-a been on-a thee a-long and-a winding a-roada to the-a grace of a-God, said his Horrorness, Pope Benny Ratso,  whose  Catholic Church has offered the Fab Four its official seal of approval, forgiving them their various excesses and even lauding them as a “precious jewel”.
In a front page article the Vatican’s official newspaper L’Osservatore Noncio Romano, offers a glowing assessment of The Beatles’ achievements 40-years after they split, heralding their “beautiful melodies” and begging the question “what would pop music have been like without the Beatles?” Woulda probably 'ave-a been-a sheet, like-a Cleef-a Richard and-a fucking Shadows, alright issa Christian but still-a is-a fucking poof and abomi-fucking -nation, Amen.

In an astonishing turnaround the Church dismisses previous moral outrages including blasphemous remarks, drug taking and even the dissemination of Satanic messages through their music. Issa OK, Satan issa cool, some-a-times just-a haveta shake it up-a baby, now, a-tweest and-a shout.

While recognising that John, Paul, George and Ringo, were no saints during their time - but then nor issa Holy-a fucking Father -  in The Beatles, the Vatican assures followers they were by no means the worst behaved rock and rollers of their generation. Fuck no, issa Rolling-a fucking Stones-a and a-Led fucking-Zeppelin, was dirtiest-a fucking bastard.

Offering the band complete absolution, in a desperate effort to deflect attention from the rising tide of hatred towards Pope Ratso, the Nonce, the article, entitled Seven Years That Shook Music, L’Osservatore Noncio Romano said: “Its true they took drugs, lived life to excess because of their success, even said they were bigger than Jesus and put out mysterious messages, that were possibly even Satanic.

“They may not have been the best example for the youth of the day but they were by no means the worst. Their beautiful melodies changed music and continue to give pleasure.”

It went on: “Forty years later the Beatles still astound with their originality and they are a
consolation against the continual assault on music lovers by the record industry.”

And referring to the band’s acrimonious split in April 1970, the article added: “Rather than expressing regret at their break up perhaps the question should be what would pop music have been like without the Beatles?”

The glowing praise may come as a surprise to many Catholics, given the band’s very public attacks on organised religion.
John Lennon sparked international condemnation by Christians of all denominations when he famously declared in 1966 that The Beatles were bigger than Jesus.

In an interview he said: “Christianity will go. It will vanish and shrink. I needn’t argue about that; I’m right and I’ll be proved right.  We’re more popular than Jesus now; I don’t know which will go first rock ’n’ roll or Christianity.” But was-a good fucking job that the-a fucking Devil come in-a Manhattan and shoot the-a  spoiled-a, wife-a-beating, smackhead, innit, said a spokesman for the Noncing Monsignors, a Vatican spunk-tank, sorry, think-tank.

At the time the Catholic church was at the forefront of the attacks on the remarks, but two years ago forgave Lennon for his comments, insisting it had merely been the “boasting of an English working-class lad struggling to cope with unexpected success, Iffa only he had-a had the-a benefit-a of-a  bit-a of-a priestly guidance and-a cock when-a he-a was-a younger, who fucking knows-a, maybe he would-a not-a have-a runa offa with the-a Jap bitch and the Fab-a Four-a MopTops-a all-a steel be-a together making-a that-a rock-and-a-rolla music”.

While Sir Paul McCartney and George Harrison were baptized as Catholics, neither followed the faith, Sir Paul preferring vegetarianism and amputee sex, whilst Sir George was a devout heavy smoker and confirmed idiot living in a selection of hundred room mansions, singing about poverty and the scourge of materialism.

Earlier this year Ringo Starr, who turns 70 in July, admitted he had finally found religion saying: “For me, God is in my life. I don’t hide from that. I think the search has been on since the 1960s.” Asked if he thought he was the luckiest Scouse git in history, Sir Richard, whose solo rock efforts include Thomas the Tank Engine, said Fuck Off, I'm a legend, me, greatest drummer in the world, God bless you.

1 comment:

black hole sunset said...

At this rate, it can't be too long before Freddie Mercury's brought back into the fold - a better choice than the likes of Blair.

Saint Freddy? Has a certain "ring" to it =)