Wednesday 29 December 2021

Chicken Shit Blues - part two


Chicken Shit Blues

 Orkney, 21st February 2002
Dear Green Shit Chicken Rancher,

World Mourns Inspector Morse (3 January 1942 – 21 February 2002)

Speaking on Radio Orkney president Georgedubyabush said America is a great nation a freedom loving nation and today we mourn a great crimefighterising agent of lawnforcementalism, folks in America will always rememmer him in doctor morse's casebook and his recording career with the other beatles. Speaking at the Brit awards Her Royal Highness princess Elton John promised not to put any cocaine up his bottom until the complete Inspector Morse series is released on DVD. Her Serene Highness Mr Toniblair said that Morse was a people's policeman, a modern, reforming policeman and he could be buried in the labour donor's section at the Cool Brittania cemetery, formerly the Millennium Dome. Through tearstreaked mascara Her Sereness Mr Toni said, you know, its my party and, you know, I'll cry if I want to, you know I simply say to you that people don't have to give millions of pounds to the Labour Party for me to care about them, although, obviously, it helps. His Grace the Earl of Geldof said the only good copper's a dead copper. Elsewhere, ordinary people paid their respects in scenes of uncontrollable grief, cutting edge coppering said one, need a few more like him down brixton way said another. I don't want to be Inspector, bonny lad, said Sergeant Kevin Whately.
Smirking on Radio Orkney, Doctor Raj "psychoman" Persaud said that coming so hard on the heels of the deaths of the Mean Beatle and the Plonky Princess people would be traumatised by celebrity death grief overload and the nation should watch RichardnJudy's counselling programmes in order to achieve closure, it was on just after Ready Steady Cook with Ainsley hohoho Brownballs which was in itself of proven therapeutic benefit to viewers suffering celebrity mixed-reality delirium.
Was batchelor Morse a kiddy perve? enquired the Sun. 
Antique feminist self-promoter The Reverend Professor Germaine Greer claims in a Daily Telegraph article that Morse, of course, was a lesbian forced to wear men's clothing in order to succeed in the phallocentric and institutionally rapist police force.
Speaking from a shallow trench in Anglesey Tony Robinson said geophizz indicates that Morse was actually a Celtic chief of police dating from the early stone age. Mr Robinson said he would have liked to attend Morse's funeral only he'd be busy finishing the programme and then investigating the Anglesey sauna scene.
Speaking from the set of the Queen Vic dame barbara windsor said that she would be organising a charity tits out for the cameras featuring herself, Joan Collins and Lady Thatcher in aid of deceased police officers' dependents.
We shall not see his like again.
If you meet the Buddha on the Road, kill him.
ishmael smith.
Orkney, 25th February 2002

Slimy Things Lived on, Madmen at the Gate Revisited.


There is worse to come: not only are they publicly incontinent, never sober in forty years, larcenous half-men half-zombies, they also interfere with dogs, quite what sort of interference we are not certain but it is of the unspeakable kind, the kind of thing people do with children, only with dogs. mrs ishmael has this on good authority, heard it in the shtoresh. I shall write to the deputy prime minister of Scotland, England, or maybe speak to him when he is in Church, he is an abo.
Glad to see that Queen Brenda got down there to meet you all. I hope you managed to wave the flag for the Old Country.
We were at the manse on Saturday and it is quite heavenly. I can't imagine why they are leaving and hope they don't change their minds. Spacious, elegant, hard on the coast with a one-acre high-walled garden.  mrs. ishmael is thrilled by the garden especially and we are currently at war. mrs. ishmael sees hours of gardening bliss, I see backache, blisters, arthritis, rheumatism, housemaid's knee, gardener's finger and tetanus and am demanding a tractor and a small JCB.
small JCB
At a ceremony conducted on the moon by Elvis Presley, the late Inspector Morse married the late special constable her royal highness o'boozenfags. Speaking from a bathroom in the White House president georgedubyabush said; sniff, bigsniff, america is a great nation, a freedomlovingnation, and we wish these two good deceasified folks, huge sniffffffff, a long and happy deceasement, their recordings as the New Seekers were very much appreciarised in Texas. God bless america, shall we do another line? Mebbe lyncha bunchanigras? Anybody fancy partytime in death row?
Kind Regards frae Orkney, bestiality capital of the North,
ishmael smith

Orkney, 27th February 2002

Everybody Dying and Going to the Moon

The world mourns ace comic Spike Milligan KBE (16 April 1918 – 27 
A brilliant life cut tragically short said the Daily New Labour. 
Dead funnyman in three-in-a-bed old age pensioner orgy, the truth can now be told says the Sun. 
Speaking from somewhere in Africa U.K. Prime Minister Mister Toniblair said Spike was in a very real sense a people's comic and we shall not see his like again. I grew up with the Goons and the Beatles and David Bowie and I am a straight  kind of guy who only wants to help people. Interviewed in Dartmoor prison zany pop mogul and child molester Jonathon King claimed that he had never invited Spike for a ride in his Rolls Royce , nor laid a finger on him. Visibly shaken, Her Ladyship Sir Elton John said he was utterly distraught and as a mark of respect for Spike would not be putting any cocaine up his bottom for the rest of the afternoon.
Interviewed on Radio Orkney President George Dubya Bush said America is a great nation a freedomloving nation and none of mah fellow Americans have ever heard of Spunke Mulligam but if he was responsible for theterribleeventsofwheneveritwas then we will close him down, he might well claim to be deceasified but this means he can't run and he can't hide, sniffffffff, we'll smoke him out. We'll give him a fair trial and then we'll, sniffffffff, kill him again.Another line of bolivian nose powder, anybody?
Outside Sir Spike's council flat in Tower Hamlets Lord Sir Paul McCartney said Linda and I, as fellow vegetarians, were great admirers of Sir Spoike and he used to join me and the  other beatles on stage at the cavern, my new wife Heather isn't old enough to remember The Goons - or even the Beatles - but hey, I've got the money, right? The former fabster said that he and Her Divine Grace Lord Sir Elton Jon would be releasing a charity album (proceeds to the Stella McCartney Rich Kids on Drugs Foundation) called Goon But Not Forgotten, featuring re-workings of old hits such as Goodbye England's Goon and Candle Up the Bum.
Evergreen sex symbol Barbara Windsor, 72, said that although in the Sixties she had sex with just about everyone, she couldn't remember Sir Spike but would be happy to get her tits out at his memorial service.
Babs Bares 'Em for Dead Goon, was the headline in News of the World.
Celebrity Supercouple PoshnBecks were said, by their agents, to be To'ally Gutted but working with their advisors on promoting a range of Goonwear clothing and Fashion Accessories. In a Press Release their agents said Our clients don't actually understand satire and irony but Sir Spike was a fellow celebrity and that's good enough reason to be gutted, ennit? Knowharramean? Diamond GoonGeezer.
Speaking from the moon, fellow goons His Eminence Cardinal Archbishop Lord Sir Harry Secombe and Nobel prize whining actor and funnyman Lord Sir Peter Sellers both said, About Time, too. Bastard.
Interviewed outside one of his hundred room palaces Her Serene Magnificence, Charles, Princess of Sanitary Protection, said that one had not been so moved since one's mad former wife had become mysteriously dead in Paris, one had acquired sole custody of the little princes and they had all retrieved the seventeen million quid divorce settlement that Granny Queen had been blackmailed into paying Diana, Princess of Slappers. Spike was a loyal subject of one, said His Magnificence, not like some one could mention and one hoped that Sir Spike would be happy on the moon with all the other dead loonies. His Exaltedness hoped that everyone would find it in their hearts to pledge money to the Stella McCartnet Rich Kids on Drugs Fund. His Eminence, naturally, could not contribute any money because his billions were in a trust kind of thingy for the nation, in the persons of his sons, Prince William the Pink and Prince Harry Potterhead.

Peace and Blessings be upon the chicken sheds,

ishmael smith.

Stop Press.... we have now bought the house by the coast in Orkney and should take obsession with it in March, God Willing.

Stop Stop Press: If you meet the Buddha on the Road, imperative kill him.
to be continued



Mike said...

I'm failing to understand the "kill Buddha" meme.

Anonymous said...

It's a Zen koan, mr mike - a paradox dispensed to the students to keep them sharp. If you google "meet the Buddha on the road, kill him" there are various interpretations, and it turns out there was a book of that name published in 1972, so maybe mr ishmael had taken it from that. Simply put, I think it's an instruction of a different order to, say, "if you meet mr Hague on a moorland hike, put your boot in his arse."



mongoose said...

Interesting 'voice' there from mr i. He was just getting his style sorted out it looks to me. It's a good job that the hotel idea fell through. Lord knows what would have happened.