Chicken Shit Blues
Orkney, November
2001
Dear Expatriate Chicken Rancher,
We have mad visions of you up to your arse in shit and
feathers, wringing necks, plucking and eviscerating chickens. We tell the aboriginal
Orcadians and they say sounds like a great career and what colour are the
boiler suits and can you be pissed all the time?
House purchase is off, fucking place was falling down,
held together with drawing pins, filler and masking tape. A pity because it was
old and we had hoped to hire that speedy little poof Robinson to come and do
his stuff, you know – running about the place, panting and simpering, peering
into holes and wondering if they will finish the programme by the end of the
programme. But never mind. Life seems to be full of pleasures denied or foregone.
Anyway, we are now pursuing with excitement an 1890 Lochside
Hotel with views of the sea, huge grounds, private shore and four motor
boats. Buster is to be Head of Security,
Barney to be the Dog in Front of the Bar Room Fire and His Imperial Majesty,
Rocky Woo, insists that the place is renamed the Imperial Palace Hotel. Kindly
take one of your chickens to a sacred Maori site and sacrifice her to the god
of wannabee hoteliers.
Home thoughts to
one Abroad,
ishmael smith.
The sacrifice didn’t work, as mr ishmael failed
to purchase the lochside hotel – the deal breaker was the sewage bubbling up in
the carpark.
Princess Margaret, Countess of Snowdon,
died 9th February 2002
Orkney, 12th February 2002
Dear Chicken Shit Rancher,
Boom Boom, another one bites the dust. Drunken Royal
Slapper found dead in local hospital. Mark our words the Queen Mum will be
next.
Exemplary
Single Mother Courageous to the End.
Elton John will sing Goodbye, Margaret Rose at
the funeral. Elton so upset he vows not to put cocaine up his arse for a whole
forty-eight hours. Barbara Windsor and Judi Dench to play Margaret in screen
biopic.
Margaret
living on moon with Elvis, George Harrison & Princess Di.
David Beckham to’ally gutted. Tony Robinson to do
Timewatch Special: can they find Margaret’s body in three days? A grateful
nation will not again see her like. God rest ye, merry Ma’am. Cliff Richard to
record God Save our Gracious Queens. Tony Blair says she was the People’s
Plonky, I mean Princess; I blame the Tories.
Nelson Mandela says that after myself she was the
greatest living human being.
George Bush says america is a great nation a freedom
loving nation, the terrorists responserous for this diabolifying act of death
will be brought to justice in the american system of jurispremiums, given a
fair trial and electrocutifried, princess margaret thatcher was a great friend
to our nation and to my father the forty-oneth president of our great nation.
Take your pick – they are more or less all like that.
That’s all for now, but always, always remember: if
you meet the Buddha on the road, Kill Him.
ishmael smith
Orkney, 19th
February 2002
Dear Expatriate Chicken Rancher,
John and George are brothers in their seventies, blueboilersuits
topped with long greybeards and whiskers. Its probably about forty years since
they were sober. Gaunt and trembling, they look like they have just emerged
from the grave, shuffling around the shtoresh, steaming streams of rancid urine
flowing from their trouser legs over their greasy suede shoes. They are so
drunk all the time that it seems that they could not be capable of locomotion,
yet they seem to appear at different points outside our house without having
travelled. They have taken to materialising outside our door in the middle of
the night asking for drink, lifts and can I cash their giro, take them to the
police station, plumb in their washing machine (odd this because their clothes,
furniture and bedding look as though they have been sprayed with molten lard).
The people in the shtoresh say they have convictions for child molestation. I
think that they are satanist cannibals as well, hailing from a different time
in Orkney’s dark past and I don’t think Rocky and the Poor Boys are quite safe
outside. John and George of the Restless Dead have been dumped here from their
previous accommodations, where they were becoming unbearable. I fear that the
Gods will have blood. Unless, of course, Tony Robinson can come and unravel
this mystery of the walking dead; he probably wouldn’t have time.
Her Royal Highness remains sadly deceased. When it
emerged that she was to be a customer in a lo-cost crematorium in Slough, the
Sun headline was, and I’m not shittin’ y’all, “La Crem de la Crem”.
We saw that new gay movie The Queens of the
Ringpieces, all those simpering, wetlipped urchin boys and musclerippling moustachioed
warriors, looks like they hired the cast from the public urinals under New
Street Station. I fell asleep after two hours, mrs ishmael was not so lucky. I
put an ad in the Orkney Advertiser seeking big house with sea views and we have
bought one, all things being what they seldom are. It is an old manse on the
coast and it is fabulous.
Snowing like a bastard here. Smellyboys all well. Have
you travelled up that river featured in Frodo and the Rentboys?
Tony Blair revealed as shit-eating, pussywhipped,
mealymouthed, lickspittle, thieving, lying, whingeing, shabby, incompetent,
opportunistic fuckpig lawyershite. Again.
Executioner Bush says America is a great nation, a
freedom loving nation and we will shold stander to stander with Princess Blair
in his fight, his fight is America’s fight and in the words of your great
wartime leader General Winston deGaulle: if the British empire last a thousand
years folks will still say “this was their finest arse, excuse me, I meant to
say hour, this was their finest hour, anybody got a line of coke?”
Take care of yourself and always remember if you meet
the Buddha on the Road, kill him,
ishmael smith.
to be continued
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