The Sunday Ishmael: 26/04/2026

 

This came down in the storms a month or so ago. Not in Orkney, I hasten to add - we don't have such stuff here. Half uprooted, it looked dramatic and a bit tragic, but the thing that stopped my ishmaeling in her dog-walking tracks was the cotton wool it was covered in. Having fallen over, this exuberance of fluffy white snow  was at eye level, rather than high in the canopy. So she phoned me on account of how I know everything. Except on this occasion, I had no clue.  Was the fluffy stuff some exudate of the dying tree? Was it a fungal infection taking advantage? So I asked my AI, which replied in meticulous, measured bullet points, as usual. Turns out the tree is a hybrid black poplar, and, far from dying, it was doing exuberantly well, leafing out and producing seed fluff a month after going over. An absolute survivor. 

That's what the white stuff is - it is in full seed‑fluff mode. A bit like a dandelion clock, I suppose. This specimen is a lady tree, giving her seeds the best start in life - wrapped in silky fibres so they can drift on the wind. When conditions are right, it can look like a tree is shedding wool. The tree is a Populus x canadensis, or hybrid black poplar - a cross between our native black poplar ( which is very rare - only 7000 specimens recorded in Britain) and the American eastern cottonwood that originated in France in the 18th century. There are various cultivated varieties that have been grown for ornamental planting and timber production, and have also become naturalised. This tree can now be seen along riversides, roadsides and in parks.

It has heart‑shaped leaves and smooth grey bark until middle ‑age, when the bark begins to get deeply furrowed. Hmmm, yes. Sounds familiar.

It got upended in the high winds because poplars have shallow, wide‑spreading root plates, but if even part of the root system remains in contact with soil, they’ll keep pumping water and nutrients, and it will regenerate by re-anchoring itself, the crown reorienting towards the light and new upright shoots will form along the trunk, like a giant coppice stool.

The storms this winter brought down a lot of shallow‑rooted species. Poplars, willows, and limes were the main casualties. But a fallen poplar that’s still alive is not unusual — they’re half tree, half phoenix. So there's your good news story for the week. Nice change from humans with their wars and assassinations. Talking of which, it seems that the Americans take their politics much more seriously than do the British. Three attempted assassinations in 21 months survived by Trump, whereas Starmer can't even boast one. Trump's last hit, however, was not, what shall we say - sophisticated. His would be murderer's plan seems to have been to check into the hotel, take his gun down into the basement where the White House Correspondents' Dinner was being held and run very quickly through the security personnel to get close enough to shoot Trump. If it had been a film, maybe. 

Trump being hustled away by security officers

As it was, he was apprehended by security officers, who took off all his clothes and wrapped his nether regions in aluminium foil. Probably a good reason for that. Brian Cox, the incredibly aged Dundonian, mouthy actor,

not Professor Brian Cox of the cheekbones,

Isn't it all amazing?

You know, played himself in Succession

because he can't do acting or accents - like the late James Bond, on the bonny bonny banks of Loch Geneva

or even Not Dead Yet Billy Connolly, Aye belong tae Florida, ADHD and Parkinson's and busty wife

Proud Scotchmen all. 

Slow down, mrs ishmael, I'm confused. Ed.

You're confused? You should try camping in my head.

Deep breath. 

Right. Unprofessor Brian Cox, Proponent at Large for Scottish Independence and sufferer from Trump Derangement Syndrome, who never misses an opportunity to slag off Trump, on account of how he spends a lot of time in the United States, so he knows what the poor people are suffering. Because of Trump. Really? Which poor people does Cox know, I wonder? They let him on the BBC again this morning, where he told a little anecdote about an Aberdonian Farmer who had thwarted Trump's dastardly plans to extend his golf course. Quite some time ago, but still a source of glee to Cox. Clearly unperturbed that the President of the United States had been targeted in an assassination attempt by a gunman of strong political ideology but poor logistical skills; giving, in fact, the impression that Cox would have cheered the man on, he expressed his grave concern for the would-be assassin having had his clothes removed. Maybe he will start a campaign: Scotland Against Assassins Having Their Clothes Removed and their Nether Regions Wrapped in Bacofoil.

l.t.r. Brian Cox, actor, Scottish Green co-leader Ross Greer, SNP leader John Swinney and Greens co-leader Gillian Mackay.

So, Scottish news. On Friday morning, Radio Scotland issued the following weather warning and advice:

"It is the fourth consecutive day of sunshine. Yes, its okay to put on your shorts, but best take a wee thin sweater in case of sunburn. The temperature is scheduled to get up to 11.5 degrees, as hot as late August, so be careful. Your thin white Scottish skin needs protecting from that great fireball in the sky. Barbecues are very tempting in these roasting temperatures, but don’t light them on open ground, parkland, moorland, forests or fields. In fact, it is probably best to light them in your kitchen, but have a bucket of water nearby in case it gets out of control. And on that note, enjoy the weekend, which will be a scorcher! And now, back to the Studio where we will tell you more about Jeffrey Epstein and the flats he rented for teenage prostitutes, trafficked young women in London and the salaries he issued so they could buy the weekly shop and any little things they needed day-to-day. 

You can’t say salaries, that sounds like they were prostitutes on a payroll in a brothel. 

OK, correction, little gifts. Better? 

Much better. We’re talking about victims here."

Interesting bit of double think going on. It is now a requirement to describe prostitution as sex work.  My AI  firmly tells me that sex work is work, and the terminology used to describe it should be inclusive, rights-affirming, and non-stigmatizing. Sex work is defined as the consensual provision of sexual services, performances, or products for material compensation, emphasizing labour and economic agency rather than moral judgment or criminality and  Sex Worker is an umbrella term for anyone engaged in sex work, including female, male, transgender, and non-binary individuals, as well as those performing direct or indirect sexual services. An adult content creator is an individual producing erotic or pornographic content. A BDSM professional is a sex worker specializing in bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, or masochism services.  Do not use the words Prostitute, Victim, Sinner, or Deviant as these are  stigmatizing terms that undermine the recognition of sex work as legitimate labour, carrying moralistic or criminal connotations.

So far, so woke.

Unless Jeffrey Epstein's name enters the conversation. 

Anyway, you'll be relieved to hear that the temperatures have not achieved Scorchio here in Orkney. We are back at a comfortable 9.5 degrees, under a heavy blanket of cloud. The ishmaeling tells me that in the Midlands, where the hybrid black poplar fell over, temperatures are around 21.5 degrees of C. Really? How do people survive?

There are four splendid anthologies of the writings of stanislav and mr ishmael, compiled by his friend, mr verge, the house filthster. You can buy them from Amazon or Lulu. Here's how:

Honest Not Invent, Vent Stack, Ishmael’s Blues, and the latest, Flush Test (with a nice picture of the late, much lamented, Mr Harris of Lanarkshire taking a piss on a totem pole) are available from Lulu and Amazon. If you buy from Amazon, it would be nice if you could give a review on their website.

IIshmaelites wishing to buy a copy from lulu should follow these steps 

please register an account first, at lulu.com. This is advisable because otherwise paypal seems to think it's ok to charge in dollars, and they then apply their own conversion rate, which might put the price up slightly for a UK buyer. Once the new account is set up, follow one of the links below (to either paperback or hardback) or type "Ishmael’s Blues" into the Lulu Bookstore search box. Click on the “show explicit content” tab, give the age verification box a date of birth such as 1 January 1960, and proceed.

Link for Hardcover : https://tinyurl.com/je7nddfr

Link for Paperback : https://tinyurl.com/3jurrzux

https://www.lulu.com/shop/ishmael-smith/flush-test/paperback/product-9yjvn7.html?q=Flush+Test&page=1&pageSize=4

At checkout, try WELCOME15 in the coupon box, which (for the moment) takes 15% off the price before postage. If this code has expired by the time you reach this point, try a google search for "Lulu.com voucher code" and see what comes up.

With the 15% voucher, PB (including delivery to a UK address) should be £16.84; HB £27.04.

Rhubarb!

The Sunday Ishmael: 19/04/2026

 That Liz Kendall, she's an awful liar. No, really, she's very bad at it indeed. She goes into slow, womansplaining mode, while maintaining rigid face and trying to remember the Party line.

What job has she got now? Oh yes, Secretary of State for Science, Innovation and Technology since 2025. Before then she was Work and Pensions. These politicians, geniuses the lot of them. One day an expert on the war between the Boomers' ill  gotten pensions  and everyone else; the next it's new stuff - emails, What's Up, AI and socials. Anyway, there she was on the Laura Kuenssberg Show this morning, doubtless imagining a bit of light chit chat about SHIT, sorry, S.I.T., when Laura lobs her a curve ball. I'm paraphrasing, but this is how it went:

Laura: What's all this about your boss, then?

Liz: How do you mean?

Laura: Lying through his scrotum, much?

Liz: The Prime Minister is a man of great integrity and honesty.

Laura: He knew all about Mandelson didn't he?

Liz: He is a man of great honesty and integrity. If he says he didn't know, he didn't know.

Laura: Everyone knew. Sacked twice for corruption. Feathering his own nest. Trousering the spondoolies. Just like the Andrew that was formerly Prince.

Liz: (concerned face) We must remember the women at the heart of this dreadful tragedy, trafficked by Epstein.

Laura: Trying to knock me off course, are you, Head Girl Lizzie? What bloody women? Mandy's a gay boi. 

No, it is the Russian and Chinese Connection that concerned the Dreadful Vetting (D.V.). And sending details of British economic policy to Epstein so he could make a bob or two.

Liz: The Prime Minister did not know the content of the Dreadful Vetting. He is a man of Great Integrity and Honesty. He should be Pope. Or at least a Saint. He Did Not Know!

Laura: Well, when he did find out, on Monday, why didn't he skip round to the House on his dinky little feet and tell everybody, like he's supposed to? Do the Apology Dance? It is now Sunday, all he has done is have a hissy fit and sack 

Olly the Scapegoat

Olly the Scapegoat, who wasn't even in post when Saint Keir decided that the only way to deal with a deal-maker was to appoint another deal-maker to be Britain's Ambassador to the U.S.of A. And told all his chums and said "Make It So!" He probably thought it was clever. On account of how Trump and Mandelson were best buds.

I do not know the man

Liz: Ministers don't know the content of the Dreadful Vetting. It's a secret. 

Laura: What, not even the Prime Minister? And why couldn't he remember anything about Mandelson's previous bits of bother? Has he got early onset dementia? Asked by the Guardian in February 2025 about his links to China, Mandelson said: “I have more important things to deal with just now than your propaganda, and I am making no comment."

If she wasn't so snooty, you'd feel sorry for Liz Kendall, reduced to pointing, gibbering and stammering. One viewer wrote in: “Putting out Liz Kendall to defend Starmer is like giving a man a paper bag to bail out a sinking boat.”

Time Line

• December 2024: Starmer appointed Peter Mandelson to serve as British ambassador to the United States. 
• September 2025: Starmer dismissed Mandelson over his association with Jeffrey Epstein. 
• February 2026:  during Prime Minister's Questions, Starmer said that Mandelson had "lied repeatedly" during vetting about his long-term relationship with Epstein. Starmer said he regretted the appointment and announced that, with the King's agreement, Mandelson had been removed from the Privy Council for bringing it into disrepute.
•  2 February 2026:  Reform UK and the Scottish National Party reported Mandelson to the Metropolitan Police, calling on them to investigate the leaking of confidential Downing Street files, and whether he may have committed misconduct in public office, pertaining to his time in Cabinet. 
• 3 February 2026: the Cabinet Office referred material to the police which contained market sensitive information surrounding the 2008 financial crisis and official activities thereafter to stabilise the economy. 
• 3 February 2026: Mandelson stepped down as a peer from the House of Lords, and the Metropolitan Police began a criminal investigation. 
• 5 February 2026: At a press conference in East Sussex Starmer  said: '[D.V.] was an intensive exercise that gave him clearance for the role, and you have to go through that before you take up the post.'
• 6 February 2026:  Benjamin Wegg-Prosser, CEO of Global Counsel, the advisory firm established by Mandelson, resigned due to recent revelations about the firm's links with Epstein. 
• 6 February 2026: Mandelson's shares in Global Counsel were bought by Rebecca Park for £250,000 as a down payment. Under the deal with Park, Mandelson would receive £4.5 million if Park sold the shares. It is reported Mandelson kept the £250,000 paid by Park. 
• 8 February 2026:  Starmer's Chief of Staff, Morgan McSweeney "resigns". 
• 9 February 2026: Starmer's  Director of Communications Tim Allan "resigns".
• 9 February 2026:  Hours after Allan announced his resignation, Scottish Labour leader Anas Sarwar called on Starmer to quit as Prime Minister. He was reviled by Cabinet Ministers, putting Scotland's Labour out on a limb.
• 18 February 2026:  the European Commission asked the European Anti-Fraud Office (OLAF) to look into Mandelson's time as European Commissioner.
• 19 February 2026: Global Counsel confirmed it was going into administration after clients severed relationships over Epstein. It was also reported that Mandelson had lobbied the US government in March 2010, to water down proposed restrictions on US bank trading activities, on behalf of Epstein and Jes Staley
• 23 February 2026: Mandelson was arrested on suspicion of misconduct in public office by leaking confidential emails to Epstein while he was Business Secretary. He was questioned in custody and later released on bail pending further investigation. He was further arrested and his passport confiscated after Scotland Yard received information that he had been planning to breach his bail by flying to the British Virgin Islands.
• 6 March 2026 : Mandelson had his bail conditions lifted and his passport returned, remaining under investigation.
• 10 March 2026: Mandelson was formally removed from the Privy Council. 
• In April 2026, it was reported that Mandelson had failed security vetting for the role of ambassador. The Foreign Office had overruled the recommendation of the vetting agency and allowed Mandelson to take up the post. Starmer faced calls to resign over allegations he misled Parliament when he said "full due process" was followed during the appointment.
• 14 April 2026: The date it is alleged that Starmer learned that Mandelson failed his vetting. Starmer sits on the information. 
• 16 April 2026: The story breaks that Mandelson failed his vetting because he was a security risk due to his Russian and Chinese connections but was passed and allowed to take up the ambassadorial post.
• 16 April 2026: A Downing Street spokesman confirms the story but insists the PM only found out about the vetting issue on Tuesday, 14th. 
• 16 April 2026: No10 issues a statement blaming 'officials in the FCDO' stating that the PM had also been kept in the dark until earlier in the week.
• 16 April 2026: Late in the evening the FCDO permanent secretary Sir Oliver Robbins was sacked over the scandal, amid claims he was being made a fall-guy for the PM. Mrs Badenoch said it was 'preposterous' to claim Starmer did not know Lord Mandelson had failed security vetting, adding: 'If the Prime Minister doesn't know what's happening in his own office, he shouldn't be in charge of our country. He should go.'
• 17 April 2026: Darren Jones, senior Cabinet Office minister, told BBC Breakfast Starmer was not aware that Mandelson was granted Developed Vetting against the advice of UK Security Vetting until Tuesday night.
• 19 April 2026: Liz Kendall fails to convince the Sunday Politics shows that Starmer is a man of great integrity and honesty. The stammering gave her away.
• 21 April 2026: Olly Robbins scheduled to give evidence to the Foreign Affairs Committee on the vetting of Mandelson. 

Should be exciting.

Talking of the SNP - oh yes, we were, they were the ones that reported Mandy to the Met on the 2nd February. The Scottish elections are scheduled for the 7th May and the SNP have been attempting to bribe the Scottish electorate into voting for them again. This is despite the allegations of sexual misbehaviour, corruption and criminal embezzlement that have seen off, successively, Alex Salmon, Nicola Sturgeon and Peter Murrell, all former grandees of the SNP. 

The SNP have been in power for 19 years, longer than Victor Orban held power in Hungary - he only got 16 years. Anyway, there's something very wrong with the Scottish psyche, because they seem to have forgiven or forgotten the very public arrests of Sturgeon and Murrell and the police impounding of the notorious camper van,

allegedly purchased with the proceeds of embezzlement of SNP funds. Forgotten or forgiven, because the SNP popularity is sitting at a projection of securing 67 seats, an overall majority in the May election. John Swinney, First Minister and Leader of the SNP, who wasn't arrested back in 2023, has decided on a policy of outright bribery. His manifesto pledges include a minimum wage for artists and a bung of £10,000 for each and every first time home buyer. Where's the money coming from? England, of course. Don't be silly. And a pledge to use an overall majority as leverage with Westminster to achieve another Independence Referendum. I'd say good luck and goodbye to these clowns, apart from the fact I live in Scotland and my pension is administered by the Local Authority. So I'll do my little bit to thwart their knavish plans by voting Reform. 

Shame the leader of the SNP, Baron Malcolm Offord, talks like an arse, but you can't have everything.

...................................................................

There are four splendid anthologies of the writings of stanislav and mr ishmael, compiled by his friend, mr verge, the house filthster. You can buy them from Amazon or Lulu. Here's how:

Honest Not Invent, Vent Stack, Ishmael’s Blues, and the latest, Flush Test (with a nice picture of the late, much lamented, Mr Harris of Lanarkshire taking a piss on a totem pole) are available from Lulu and Amazon. If you buy from Amazon, it would be nice if you could give a review on their website.

IIshmaelites wishing to buy a copy from lulu should follow these steps 

please register an account first, at lulu.com. This is advisable because otherwise paypal seems to think it's ok to charge in dollars, and they then apply their own conversion rate, which might put the price up slightly for a UK buyer. Once the new account is set up, follow one of the links below (to either paperback or hardback) or type "Ishmael’s Blues" into the Lulu Bookstore search box. Click on the “show explicit content” tab, give the age verification box a date of birth such as 1 January 1960, and proceed.

Link for Hardcover : https://tinyurl.com/je7nddfr

Link for Paperback : https://tinyurl.com/3jurrzux

https://www.lulu.com/shop/ishmael-smith/flush-test/paperback/product-9yjvn7.html?q=Flush+Test&page=1&pageSize=4

At checkout, try WELCOME15 in the coupon box, which (for the moment) takes 15% off the price before postage. If this code has expired by the time you reach this point, try a google search for "Lulu.com voucher code" and see what comes up.

With the 15% voucher, PB (including delivery to a UK address) should be £16.84; HB £27.04.

The Sunday Ishmael: 12/04/2026

A couple I know want to move house. They really do want to move house, because they have secured a generous offer on their own house... Every day they drive out to properties, where the home owners, also desperate to move house, have cleaned, polished and vacuumed in readiness for the viewing, roasting coffee beans and displaying fresh flowers. Maybe lighting a scented candle. After each viewing, the couple, we'll call them Mr. and Mrs. Discerning (talk about nominative determinism), compare notes in a slightly defeated, but valiant way. 

The neighbouring gardens looked scruffy - they are probably drug dealers. 

There's social housing on that estate. 

I could hear the TV from next door. 

There's a river in the back garden. 

There's no parking. 

That's a really busy road. 

Worn down by house hunting, but still determined to move house before they actually have to move into Very Sheltered Accommodation for their Waiting in Heaven's Lobby years, Mr. and Mrs. Discerning decided to buy a new build direct from the builder. They put down a deposit of £2000 to secure it. They chose a kitchen. Then doubts assailed them.

"Oh, mrs ishmael, we were talking to someone in the Co-op who bought a house on that estate and they said there were nothing but problems. Scalding water out of the cold tap. Doors not fitting properly."

"I think the builder has to put all that right - there's a 10 year warranty on new builds."

"Maybe so, but I've heard it isn't that easy to get the snags sorted. And everyone says there's Dust."

"Dust?"

"Yes, Dust. New Builds have Dust and you know our George's asthma. We can't be doing with Dust."

So they've backed out of the contract and lost their deposit and they are back to driving around the county, looking for perfection.

If you let it, Dust can be a bit of a problem. Quentin Crisp, on the other hand, would simply have lit a cigarette, surveyed the  building site with mild disdain, and reminded Mr and Mrs Discernment  that “after the first four years the Dust doesn’t get any worse.”

In Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials, Dust is what authoritarian systems fear most. Dust is the truth — inconvenient, messy, unavoidable, whereas politicians prefer a clean, Dust‑free narrative. But the world is full of Dust, and always has been. The more they try to sweep it away, the more it settles on everything.

 It’s been a week where the world has once again reminded us that satire is redundant. The President of the Unites States posted on Truth Social: 

 ‘Remember when I gave Iran ten days to MAKE A DEAL or OPEN UP THE HORMUZ STRAIT. Time is running out – 48 hours before all Hell will reign down on them. Glory be to GOD! President DONALD J. TRUMP.’

‘Tuesday will be Power Plant Day, and Bridge Day, all wrapped up in one, in Iran. ‘There will be nothing like it!!! Open the Fucking Strait, you crazy bastards, or you’ll be living in Hell – JUST WATCH! Praise be to Allah. President DONALD J. TRUMP’.

How refreshing. D'you think he's quite all there? Marbles all present and correct? Enough sandwiches for a picnic?

Even more amusing were the commentators, putting on Serious Face, who couldn't bring themselves to report the  words and instead referred to President Trump "dropping the F bomb." As if it was a particularly meaty fart. Statements have been issued with the solemnity of prophecy but the accuracy of gossip. Everybody claimed to have won, except us, of course, paying more for petrol than any other nation on Earth, but that's ok because it will make us buy more electric cars. And, of course, the Dragon Ship which finally made it to the Med, 

 is now tied up, having experienced a "minor technical issue".

The negotiators have all gone home, having utterly failed to make a deal. Only Israel has stuck to its guns (see what I did, there?) and has been bombing the fuck out of Lebanon. 
Have you seen Jonathon Glazer's 2000 film, Sexy Beast? Purporting to be a heist movie, it is allegorical and mythological, using water to signify thresholds between worlds, dressing demons in human skins. Don Logan, magnificently  portrayed by Ben Kingsley, is a violent, shouty, sweary, amoral sociopath. 

Why am I thinking of Don Logan as President Trump declares: ‘I have also instructed our Navy to seek and interdict every vessel in International Waters that has paid a toll to Iran. No one who pays an illegal toll will have safe passage on the high seas. We will also begin destroying the mines that the Iranians laid in the Straits. Any Iranian who fires at us, or at peaceful vessels, will be BLOWN TO HELL!’

Or possibly Malcolm Tucker?

Time was, musicals used to be jolly and colourful, a populist take on comic opera. Jaunty lyrics. Pretty dresses. Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. State Fair. My Fair Lady. Then something terrible happened. They started taking themselves seriously. The rot set in insidiously, with West Side Story, happy little songs about teenagers stabbing each other to death. Then Les Misérables dropped like one of Trump's meaty farts. I read the book several decades ago. God, its awful. Unrelentingly bleak, structurally sprawling,  a world where joy is a brief visitor and suffering is the permanent tenant. Turning that into a musical was like deciding to adapt Crime and Punishment as a tap‑dance Cabaret.

So I thought - if  Boublil and Schönberg could turn misery into sing-along money, then lets have Tehran -The Musical. We'll take the  vast, baggy Middle Eastern conflict and orchestrate it.

Here's the show stopping, full‑blooded, swelling‑strings, fist‑to-the-sky number from Tehran – The Musical.

Think Valjean meets Javert meets a diplomatic summit that’s gone wildly off‑piste.

 “THE DUST WILL SETTLE (BUT NOT TODAY)”

Act I, Finale — sung by Mr and Mrs Discerning, the Envoys, and a lone bureaucrat with a large feather duster.

Mr and Mrs D. (anguished, trembling):

We only wanted somewhere clean,

A place where plasterboard won’t lean,

A house without the builder’s curse,

But every viewing’s getting worse…

They say the dust is in the walls,

It creeps through vents and down the halls,

We tried to run, we tried to pray —

And  the dust still settles…

But not today.

ENVOYS (entering in a swirl of paperwork):

Sanctions rise and sanctions fall,

We sign our names, we stall, we brawl,

We promise peace, we draft, we sway —

And the dust will settle…

But not today.

President DON LOGAN (exploding):

NO! NO! NO!

You think you know?

You’ve never seen a maddened FOE!

You want détente? You want a plan?

I'll Bomb the Fuck out of Tehran!

CHORUS (everyone, including the feather‑duster wielding bureaucrat):

Raise your pens and raise your voice,

History gives us little choice,

We march through chaos come what may —

And the dust will settle…

But not today.

Mr and Mrs D. (soft reprise):

We only wanted somewhere new…

A home to breathe, a brighter view…

But fate has swept our hopes away —

And the dust will settle…

But not today.

FULL COMPANY

Though bombs may fly and nations sway,

Though builders flee and envoys fray,

We’ll stand our ground, we’ll find our way —

And the dust will settle…

BUT NOT TODAY!

If Quentin Crisp were alive today, he’d look at the Middle East, look at the statements of ‘grave concern,’ look at the swirling Dust of rumour and retaliation, and say: ‘Leave it. It won’t get any worse.’ And I hope he’d  be right.

There are four splendid anthologies of the writings of stanislav and mr ishmael, compiled by his friend, mr verge, the house filthster. You can buy them from Amazon or Lulu. Here's how:

Honest Not Invent, Vent Stack, Ishmael’s Blues, and the latest, Flush Test (with a nice picture of the late, much lamented, Mr Harris of Lanarkshire taking a piss on a totem pole) are available from Lulu and Amazon. If you buy from Amazon, it would be nice if you could give a review on their website.

IIshmaelites wishing to buy a copy from lulu should follow these steps 

please register an account first, at lulu.com. This is advisable because otherwise paypal seems to think it's ok to charge in dollars, and they then apply their own conversion rate, which might put the price up slightly for a UK buyer. Once the new account is set up, follow one of the links below (to either paperback or hardback) or type "Ishmael’s Blues" into the Lulu Bookstore search box. Click on the “show explicit content” tab, give the age verification box a date of birth such as 1 January 1960, and proceed.

Link for Hardcover : https://tinyurl.com/je7nddfr

Link for Paperback : https://tinyurl.com/3jurrzux

https://www.lulu.com/shop/ishmael-smith/flush-test/paperback/product-9yjvn7.html?q=Flush+Test&page=1&pageSize=4

At checkout, try WELCOME15 in the coupon box, which (for the moment) takes 15% off the price before postage. If this code has expired by the time you reach this point, try a google search for "Lulu.com voucher code" and see what comes up.

With the 15% voucher, PB (including delivery to a UK address) should be £16.84; HB £27.04.

The Easter Sunday Ishmael: 05/04/2026

 Loneliness 

by John Betjeman 

The last year’s leaves are on the beech:
The twigs are black; the cold is dry;
To deeps beyond the deepest reach
The Easter bells enlarge the sky.
O ordered metal clatter-clang!
Is yours the song the angels sang?
You fill my heart with joy and grief -
Belief! Belief! And unbelief...
And, though you tell me I shall die,
You say not how or when or why.
 
Indifferent the finches sing,
Unheeding roll the lorries past:
What misery will this year bring
Now spring is in the air at last?
For, sure as blackthorn bursts to snow,
Cancer in some of us will grow,
The tasteful crematorium door
Shuts out for some the furnace roar;
But church-bells open on the blast
Our loneliness, so long and vast.

John Betjeman (28 August 1906 – 19 May 1984) was an English poet, writer, and broadcaster. He was Poet Laureate from 1972 until his death. He was a founding member of The Victorian Society, first president of The Hackney Society and a passionate defender of Victorian architecture, helping to save St Pancras railway station from demolition. He began his career as a journalist and ended it as one of the most popular British Poets Laureate and a much-loved figure on British television.

Statue of Betjeman at St. Pancras Station, where the Eurostar to Paris departs.

Happy Easter, Ishmaelites  everywhere.

The Sunday Ishmael: 29/03/2026

A Tale of Spite, Bureaucracy and the Over-Reach of Power,
or
Doesn't Everyone Hate the Planning Department?

This is the Italian Chapel on the tiny island of Lamb Holm, owned by Tommy Sinclair. The island and the Chapel. Lamb Holm is one of the isles linked by the Churchill Barriers.

You will remember that the Barriers were constructed out of concrete blocks by Italian prisoners of war during the Second World War. At the time, one of the  war laws was that you couldn't use prisoners of war on military projects, although Hitler disregarded that convention, in his mysterious Project Riese, between 1943 and 1945. The Project consisted of seven underground structures at Książ Castle and in the Owl Mountains in Lower Silesia, which was then Nazi Germany and is now Poland. Construction work was carried out by forced labourers, prisoners of war, and concentration camp prisoners, many of whom lost their lives in appalling conditions, kept underground in the dark and wet, denied medical help and half-starved.

We weren't like that, of course. Churchill wanted to erect a barrier to prevent German U boats sneaking into Scapa Flow and blowing up our Fleet. The block ships - old rusting hulks towed to the Flow and sunk to impede enemy shipping and submarines from entering - had failed to keep out Kapitänleutnant Günther Prien, who,  in 1939, became famous for sinking the British battleship HMS Royal Oak in the heavily defended British Home Fleet main harbour at Scapa Flow on 14 October. Even Winston Churchill described it as "a remarkable feat of professional skill and daring", for which feat he was honoured by the Iron Cross. 835 Naval personnel died in the sinking of the Royal Oak, including 100 boy sailors. Depends on whose side you are on whether you see him as a mass murderer or a war hero.

Anyway, we needed to keep Johnny Foreigner out of the harbour, and it was pretty nifty to join together the string of little islands with concrete barriers, using PoWs. Except that was contrary to war law, so, by the simple expedient of putting a roadway on top of the Barriers, the military project immediately became a civilian project.

More than 1,000 Italian soldiers captured in North Africa were sent to Orkney in February 1942 to build The Churchill Barriers. Around half were transported to Camp 60 in Lamb Holm and a similar number to Camp 34 in Burray. Being good Catholic boys, they needed a chapel. The prisoners were accommodated in Nissan huts. Two huts were made available to be used as a chapel. Dominico Chiocchetti, a talented artist,  was given permission to work full time on the chapel. 

The Madonna and Child painting above the altar was based on an image on a prayer card his mother gave him before he left home for war. 

When Italy surrendered to allied forces in 1943, the PoWs could not go home because of - well, reasons, so the prisoners had to stay in the camps until the end of the war, working away. The Churchill Causeway was officially opened on the 12th May 1945, 4 days after the end of War in Europe.  Mr Chiocchetti returned to the chapel several times after the war to restore parts of his work, before he died in 1999 aged 89.

The uninhabited island, Lamb Holm, was bought by Tommy Sinclair, who set up Lamb Holm Enterprises on the 25th September 2015. He will be 79 in May. Companies House tells us that he has previously held Directorships in various fishing enterprises. Under his Directorship, there have been improvements at the Chapel. Over 100,000 visitors a year visit the site - tourists under their own steam, or, increasingly, visitors from the cruise liners in sodding great coaches, which had difficulty in manoeuvring around the little carpark.

So, in March 2024, Tommy applied for planning permission to build a new car park area for coaches and went ahead with the construction later that year. Planning applications proceed in geological time, so it is only now that the application has reached and been turned down by Orkney's planning committee.

They don't like it, see, people going ahead without their permission and constructing a car park on their own land using their own money. Why, if everyone did that, what would happen to all the important planning jobs?  

The Planning Manager, Jamie Macvie, locally known as Jamie MacTree due to his habit of refusing any application that would involve removing a tree,  advised Council to refuse the application because it would spoil the view of the Chapel from the road, saying the view is: “key to the experience of visiting” the site. Historic Environment Scotland and the Islands Archaeologist both objected, saying there is an adverse impact on the chapel’s setting.

It is a carpark, for pity's sake. Most of the time it will be empty. All winter, which, in Orkney, lasts from October to April. Even when the cruise ships visit, all the passengers are tucked up back on their liners in time for tea.

Mr Sinclair said he had become concerned about the safety of pedestrians at the site from reversing vehicles and was “disgusted” by the decision. He says he is now considering closing the chapel. That'll learn them. Go, Tommy, Go!

Councillor Duncan Tullock said it “should be a salutary lesson to applicants to consult with the planning authority before taking action”. He added: “I sympathise with the fact that the bus parking is required. But there are stages you have to go through, and not take the law into your own hands.” 

Fuck's sake. A world-renowned historic site. 100,000 visitors a year. Doesn't cost the Council anything to run it or to provide carparking. Council knows that parking is needed. Bloke had a carpark built at his own expense. Planning and Council are miffed that the bloke took the law into his own hands. So they spite him by refusing permission. I hope he spites them back by closing the Chapel. Puts up a big chain-link fence and holds midnight Satanic orgies, with liberal libations of a good Italian red. 

Wait- wasn't Angela Raynor going to do something about the insolence of office and the law's delay?

Anyroadup, it seems that the current War still isn't being taken seriously. I suppose it will take a ballistic missile landing on London to make a convincing argument. Interesting fact emerged on the Politics programmes this morning: in 2024/25 the United Kingdom spent an estimated 313 billion  pounds on welfare. In that same year, we spent 60.2 billion on defence. 

Did you hear Pope Leo, poncing about Vatican Square in his hat and best dress, pontificating (see what I did there?)

that God just won't listen to the prayers of leaders who start wars  and have hands filled with blood? Good-oh, thought I, there's Papa firing a round of fucks into Iran and its poxy proxies, Hamas, Hezbollah and the Houthis. But, no, turns out he was admonishing President Trump.

Talking of hats and best dresses, did you catch the investiture of Archbishop Sarah?

Well, what can you say? 

Good Evening, Huw Welshman Yere.

Do watch Power, the Downfall of Huw Edwards, the Channel 5 Drama Documentary starring Martin Clunes very successfully impersonating the nonce Edwards.

One of the best lines was given to the father of the boy Edwards paid to provide him with sexual favours. When the dad went to the BBC to complain about the money Edwards was giving his son, who spent it on funding his drug habit, he was refused admission, whereupon the exasperated father shouted: "Can't the BBC keep its nonces under control?"
......................................................

There are four splendid anthologies of the writings of stanislav and mr ishmael, compiled by his friend, mr verge, the house filthster. You can buy them from Amazon or Lulu. Here's how:

Honest Not Invent, Vent Stack, Ishmael’s Blues, and the latest, Flush Test (with a nice picture of the late, much lamented, Mr Harris of Lanarkshire taking a piss on a totem pole) are available from Lulu and Amazon. If you buy from Amazon, it would be nice if you could give a review on their website.

IIshmaelites wishing to buy a copy from lulu should follow these steps 

please register an account first, at lulu.com. This is advisable because otherwise paypal seems to think it's ok to charge in dollars, and they then apply their own conversion rate, which might put the price up slightly for a UK buyer. Once the new account is set up, follow one of the links below (to either paperback or hardback) or type "Ishmael’s Blues" into the Lulu Bookstore search box. Click on the “show explicit content” tab, give the age verification box a date of birth such as 1 January 1960, and proceed.

Link for Hardcover : https://tinyurl.com/je7nddfr

Link for Paperback : https://tinyurl.com/3jurrzux

https://www.lulu.com/shop/ishmael-smith/flush-test/paperback/product-9yjvn7.html?q=Flush+Test&page=1&pageSize=4

At checkout, try WELCOME15 in the coupon box, which (for the moment) takes 15% off the price before postage. If this code has expired by the time you reach this point, try a google search for "Lulu.com voucher code" and see what comes up.

With the 15% voucher, PB (including delivery to a UK address) should be £16.84; HB £27.04.

Kirkwall, Orkney

British Summer Time starts.