I'm sure you've all been wondering how the the Orkney Wildlife Project's stoat genocide campaign is coming along.
The Project has cost the taxpayer £16 million in order to remove all stoats entirely from Orkney in order to protect the Orkney Vole.
Because - well, reasons. The Orkney vole, (Microtus arvalis orcadensis) is a personable little chap, brought to Orkney by humans in Neolithic times, possibly concealed in animal fodder, from trade with the continent, specifically, Belgium. The oldest known radiocarbon-dated fossil of the species in Orkney is 4,600 years old. There aren't any voles in Britain now - just this little population on nine islands of the Orkney archipelago: Orkney Mainland, Sanday, Westray, Rousay, South Ronaldsay, Burray, Eday, Shapinsay, and Stronsay. Our voles are fat little bastards, twice as heavy as the continental voles, of which there are lots.
The Project prefers voles to stoats, which eat voles.
So how's the Project going? Really not good. Mind you, if you are ever cornered at a drinks party by one of the Project's acolytes, as was once my fate, you will be told in self-congratulatory detail the numbers of murdered stoats - 6,500 since 2009. The Project employs around 40 staff, plus volunteers and a team of "conservation detection dogs". It seems a very poor return to me - less than a thousand a year. £16 million. Hmmm. Did no-one think introducing a few stoat predators might represent better value? Eagles, hawks, a great horned owl or two, foxes or badgers all are pretty adept at dining on stoat. But then the fermers would have to fence in their chickens and the 40 staff of the Project would be looking for more demanding work.
They did think they had it cracked in Rousay, where they thought that they'd got it down to just the one stoat. The taxpayer gave additional £150,000 to the Project so an all-out offensive could be mounted to deal with the Rousay incursion.
Alice Head-Rapson, a Project employee, said: “This incursion response was a test of our skills, but everybody at the project stepped up to meet the moment. My teammate, Benjy, and I spent the summer and autumn monitoring as much of Rousay as we can and expanding our trap networks, with a focus on sighting hotspots like the Loch of Loomachun".
Reader, they killed him.
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| Here's the trap, near the Loch of Loomachun. |
Alice chortled: "Our work has certainly paid off. It’s still important we guarantee with complete confidence that the stoat we’ve trapped was the only one, but our achievement here is a big deal and we hope that will help to keep nature safe across all of Orkney. Working with the island community has been a privilege, and we’re really grateful for all the support the volunteers there have shown for native wildlife.” Not for stoats, obviously, on account of they are illegal immigrants.
A single stoat roaming in Rousay was caught and removed, having been found in a trap near the Loch of Loomachun on Friday, October 9.
The Orkney Native Wildlife Project (ONWP) said: "There are no signs that any other stoats spread to Rousay. However, monitoring measures are to continue for two years to ensure the island is free of the invasive species. ONWP first received reports of the invasive mustelid in Rousay in April. Its presence was confirmed the following month. Now, after a major search operation involving traps, dog searches and cameras, the lone male stoat has now been removed."
Radio Orkney, which has long since regarded the Project as expensive nonsense, gleefully reported on Friday morning that a second stoat has been spotted in Rousay. Doubtless that will cost the Scottish taxpayer another £250,000, but it will keep Alice, Benjy, the Rousay volunteers and the wildlife conservation dogs busy for another six months.
Warfare - expensive, brutal and wasteful, whether declared on stoats or other human beings.
I'm not saying that it is never justified. My dad served his country in North Africa, Italy, France, Belgium and Germany. He was conscripted to the Royal Army Medical Corps on the third call-up. He failed the medical for the first and second call-up because he had problems with his teeth, his feet and wore glasses.
The Military Training Act was passed in May 1939. Only single men 20 to 22 years old were liable to be called up, and they were to be known as "militiamen" to distinguish them from the regular army. To emphasise this distinction, each man was issued with a suit in addition to a uniform. The intention was for the first intake to undergo six months of basic training before being discharged into an active reserve. They would then be recalled for short training periods and attend an annual camp. However, when the Second World War was declared in Britain the Military Training Act was superseded by the National Service (Armed Forces) Act 1939, imposing a liability to conscription to all men aged 18 to 41 years who were living in Great Britain. Men could be rejected for medical reasons, and those engaged in vital industries or reserved occupations. mr ishmael's dad was exempted from conscription because he was a coach driver in Northern Ireland.
By 1942, having run out of fit young men, the conscription rules were relaxed - all male British subjects between 18 and 51 years old and all females 20 to 30 years old resident in Great Britain and the Isle of Man were liable to be called up.
My dad, a gentle soul, saw such things and had to do such things ......... “There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamed of in your philosophy”, but despite the horrors, was entirely convinced that some wars are worth fighting, despite the fact that when he was a little boy his own dad had been killed by the Germans in the First World War.
My dad's unit was detailed to cleaning out the Concentration Camp at Sachsenhausen, located in Oranienburg just north of Berlin. Sachsenhausen was established in 1936 as a model and training camp for the SS, serving as the administrative centre for all concentration camps in the German sphere of power, holding over 200,000 prisoners, including political opponents, Jews, Roma, Sinti, homosexuals, Jehovah’s Witnesses, and Soviet prisoners of war. Tens of thousands died from forced labour, starvation, disease, medical experiments, and systematic executions, including 13,000–18,000 Soviet POWs in 1941 alone. The camp was designed with a triangular layout, central watchtower, barracks, execution sites, and industrial areas where prisoners were forced to work in brickworks, aircraft production, and currency counterfeiting operations
Sachsenhausen also served as a site for early experiments in mass execution methods, including gas chambers and shooting facilities.
So, should anyone say to my dad, "Hitler was a great leader and socialist who made splendid roads" - that would not have gone down well.
However, Britain did not go to war on Germany to protect Jews, homosexuals, gypsies and Jehovah's Witnesses.
Britain declared war on Germany on 3 September 1939 because Germany invaded Poland on 1 September and ignored Britain’s ultimatum to withdraw, obligating Britain to honor its defense guarantee to Poland.
Britain’s declaration of war was the culmination of escalating German aggression throughout the 1930s and the collapse of appeasement. Germany’s invasion of Poland was the immediate trigger, but Britain and France viewed the invasion of Poland as a direct threat to European stability and international order.
The British public did not know about the concentration camps. As British soldiers liberated Europe and invaded Germany, the full horrors of the German military machine were revealed. So it became a war that, to ordinary conscripts, became justified retrospectively. Did the Establishment and the Government know? Did they keep it quiet to allay panic?
Is it happening again? I'm quite prepared to believe that the Civil and Intelligence Services and the Government are actively keeping the British public in the dark. After all, we are a hair's breadth from civil unrest, our population having been expanded to include many people from many countries with religious and political motivations that are opposed to the values of secular Christianity and western democracy, who are bringing their historic quarrels to our capital city, gulling the left liberal well-meaning lanyard class and inspiring English nationalists to take arms against a sea of troubles.
But we now have the Government admitting to a state of undeclared war - of course, they will not admit that their policies of antagonising Russia since the 24th February 2022 have contributed to Russian actions. I suspect that the grandiosely-named Civil Service Mandarins believe that they are still playing "The Great Game", ignoring the fact that Britain is no longer a major Power.
It is a bit of a worry. To quote Oliver Hardy: "Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into."
Government guidance emphasises a “whole‑of‑society” resilience approach, advising households to follow the GOV.UK Prepare kit Be Ready - Be Ready, stay informed via the National Risk Register, and support national readiness measures outlined in the 2025 Strategic Defence Review and the 2026 Resilience Action Plan. Here's the the checklist:
Water: Bottled water for 3 days. 3 litres per person per day for drinking. More would be needed for other tasks such as cooking and washing.
Light and warmth Torch (and spare batteries). Blankets, sleeping bags and warm clothing.
Medical and health First aid kit / first aid items. Essential medication and medical supplies.
Food Non-perishable food for 3 days. Food with a long shelf life that doesn’t need refrigeration or cooking e.g. tinned meat, fish or vegetables, dried fruit and nuts. Communication and information FM radio (battery/ wind-up). Charged power bank.
Baby products Baby formula. Ready-made or ‘ready-to feed’ formula is best, as you may not be able to boil water to make up powdered formula safely. Nappies and wipes. Hygiene Hand sanitiser, wet wipes, hygiene and bathroom products.
Money and documents Cash (mix of coins and notes) and cards. Copies of IDs/documents. Important phone numbers and information (e.g. regular medication and doses).
Pet products Pet food and bottled water.
The government is aware that many people are living from pay day to pay day and cannot buy extra, so suggest "If you have any extra items, you could consider donating these to others who might not have the means to prepare their own household."
I think a few bottles of something nice would be a useful addition to your store cupboard and get a water butt attached to your rainwater down pipe - so you can flush your toilet.
Wes Streeting, Defence Secretary
Streeting wrote in The Telegraph: ‘Our adversaries’ willingness to harm us is not new. What has changed is their capacity. By 2030 their force strength and war economy could put them in a position to attack. That gives us a little over 1,000 days to complete our mission: to be ready with our allies to fight and win.’
Jesus wept. These clowns have taken us back to 1939. But back then, Russia was our ally and Germany was the enemy. Just what is wrong with the human race?
To loop back, here's an edit of mr ishmael's: Day the Stoat Killers Came, posted in 2019.
It has become normal for people not to introduce themselves but demand first your self-identification to them; we get calls all fucking day which open, Are you ishmael smith to which I reply, perfectly reasonably, that's not the question, the question is Who the fuck are you? You called me, never mind who I am, who are you, you got no fucking manners?
If you were a friend and had my number legitimately you'd know who I was, wouldn't you?
Often, you can tell by the delay and the background noise that this call is coming from a criminal call centre in Islamabad or whatever they call Delhi, these days.
I have a formula, now, for these cunts. He or she says Good morning, Sir, how are you, I am Keith or Sally, calling from Microsoft about your computer. Ah, Keith, I say, how is your mother? My mother? Yes, I saw your mother on the internet, last night, fucking a herd of pigs, sucking their curly cocks. But your mother, Keith, she may be a fat, poxy old whore but at least she's honest, whereas you're just a thieving black cunt, aren't you ? You're not Keith, you're Ahmed or something. If it's Sally on the phone I say, Ah, Sally, you sound like a nice girl. Why don't you go and do proper prostitution, instead of trying to rob people in foreign countries, you worthless cunt.
People are quite shocked when they hear this, gasping the R word, you can't say that, ishmael. But these people are trying to steal money from us, they are not really from Microsoft, they bought our 'phone number and they call people like us all day long, hoping to get the bank details of some poor soul and rob them; racism be damned, they're thieving black cunts, that's what they are, they're the racists, trying to rob well-mannered British people who are soft and polite, conditioned to be nice to vermin. They have declared race war, declared that they want to rob me of what little we have. I've been here getting-on for twenty years and the most black people I have ever seen have been in my house, friends, visiting me; honest, not invent. That wouldn't wash, though, with the Virtuous, to whom it is the pious word which counts more than the deed.
When it comes to the unwanted approach of strangers, therefore, I shoot first. She was a pleasant enough woman but she was doorstepping me and I just looked at her, like I was Zeus or Thor or Jehovah and was a heartbeat away from incinerating her on the spot, fiery-fingering both her and ShufflyMan.
If you were a friend and had my number legitimately you'd know who I was, wouldn't you?
Often, you can tell by the delay and the background noise that this call is coming from a criminal call centre in Islamabad or whatever they call Delhi, these days.
I have a formula, now, for these cunts. He or she says Good morning, Sir, how are you, I am Keith or Sally, calling from Microsoft about your computer. Ah, Keith, I say, how is your mother? My mother? Yes, I saw your mother on the internet, last night, fucking a herd of pigs, sucking their curly cocks. But your mother, Keith, she may be a fat, poxy old whore but at least she's honest, whereas you're just a thieving black cunt, aren't you ? You're not Keith, you're Ahmed or something. If it's Sally on the phone I say, Ah, Sally, you sound like a nice girl. Why don't you go and do proper prostitution, instead of trying to rob people in foreign countries, you worthless cunt.
People are quite shocked when they hear this, gasping the R word, you can't say that, ishmael. But these people are trying to steal money from us, they are not really from Microsoft, they bought our 'phone number and they call people like us all day long, hoping to get the bank details of some poor soul and rob them; racism be damned, they're thieving black cunts, that's what they are, they're the racists, trying to rob well-mannered British people who are soft and polite, conditioned to be nice to vermin. They have declared race war, declared that they want to rob me of what little we have. I've been here getting-on for twenty years and the most black people I have ever seen have been in my house, friends, visiting me; honest, not invent. That wouldn't wash, though, with the Virtuous, to whom it is the pious word which counts more than the deed.
When it comes to the unwanted approach of strangers, therefore, I shoot first. She was a pleasant enough woman but she was doorstepping me and I just looked at her, like I was Zeus or Thor or Jehovah and was a heartbeat away from incinerating her on the spot, fiery-fingering both her and ShufflyMan.
Oh, we're here about the stoats, she stammered.
The stoats?
Yes, we were wondering if we could use your land.
What, to raise stoats?
There's a big problem at the moment, with stoats.
They're not native here, they've been introduced.
And they have no predators.
Bit like us, you mean.
Sorry?
We don't have any predators, humankind, do we?
Oh, right, but what's happening is that the stoats are playing havoc with the ground-nesting birds and so we need to eradicate them.
How?
Oh, just with traps.
OK, and what happens to the stoats?
Oh, they're lethal traps, she smiled a Mother Teresa smile at me.
You kill them?
They're lethal traps, she repeated, not wanting to say the K word. Nice people don't kill things.
I walked them round the garden, her gasping at the trees and hedges, all most unusual in Orkney and very wildlife friendly, as we say, now.
Now, an ornithologist once told me that our garden was a miracle, it was the very first landing/nesting place for birds coming from the East and he'd counted a hundred or so different types.
I have been pruning recently and I can't move a branch, it seems, without finding a nest - people don't grow trees or hedges, here, normally, well, some incomers do but the natives don't and I can understand why, it is very hard work, what with the wind and the seasalt in it.
The shore is about eighty metres distant and when the winds blow everything is salt abraded, I am sure you could strip a piece of furniture just by leaving it outside.
And if someone has decided that the stoats have to die, in desperate agony, alone, poisoned in a box, in order that the birds may flourish, well eradication takes on a newer, higher meaning than when Europeans decided that the Jews must be poisoned so that the Aryans may flourish.
I wish I'd asked Virtuous Missy if her stoat eradication plan was a whatchamacallit, a Final Solution.
Animals, peoples, oceans, doesn't matter; some I-Know-Bester, like today's doorstepping halfwits will shit all over Creation and say it's for the best, no, really it is.
No, mate, yer fucked, it's Zyklon B for you.
It's the birds, they need lebensraum.
Wossat? No, mate, you don't need it just as much as they do.
Listen, mate, we're the master race around here, alright, the Devil, if you like, and what we say goes. And that's why the planet is in such good shape.
Yeah, thousand-year EuroReich,
no problem.
And if someone has decided that the stoats have to die, in desperate agony, alone, poisoned in a box, in order that the birds may flourish, well eradication takes on a newer, higher meaning than when Europeans decided that the Jews must be poisoned so that the Aryans may flourish.
I wish I'd asked Virtuous Missy if her stoat eradication plan was a whatchamacallit, a Final Solution.
Animals, peoples, oceans, doesn't matter; some I-Know-Bester, like today's doorstepping halfwits will shit all over Creation and say it's for the best, no, really it is.
It's the birds, they need lebensraum.
Wossat? No, mate, you don't need it just as much as they do.
Listen, mate, we're the master race around here, alright, the Devil, if you like, and what we say goes. And that's why the planet is in such good shape.
Yeah, thousand-year EuroReich,
no problem.
If you have not yet purchased your set of the writings of stanislav and mr ishmael, compiled by his friend, mr verge, the house filthster, now might be a good time to secure your copies. Something to read in the shelter. Here's how to buy them from Amazon or Lulu.
Honest Not Invent, Vent Stack, Ishmael’s Blues, and the latest, Flush Test (with a nice picture of the late, much lamented, Mr Harris of Lanarkshire taking a piss on a totem pole) are available from Lulu and Amazon. If you buy from Amazon, it would be nice if you could give a review on their website.IIshmaelites wishing to buy a copy from lulu should follow these steps
please register an account first, at lulu.com. This is advisable because otherwise paypal seems to think it's ok to charge in dollars, and they then apply their own conversion rate, which might put the price up slightly for a UK buyer. Once the new account is set up, follow one of the links below (to either paperback or hardback) or type "Ishmael’s Blues" into the Lulu Bookstore search box. Click on the “show explicit content” tab, give the age verification box a date of birth such as 1 January 1960, and proceed.
Link for Hardcover : https://tinyurl.com/je7nddfr
Link for Paperback : https://tinyurl.com/3jurrzux
https://www.lulu.com/shop/ishmael-smith/flush-test/paperback/product-9yjvn7.html?q=Flush+Test&page=1&pageSize=4
At checkout, try WELCOME15 in the coupon box, which (for the moment) takes 15% off the price before postage. If this code has expired by the time you reach this point, try a google search for "Lulu.com voucher code" and see what comes up.
With the 15% voucher, PB (including delivery to a UK address) should be £16.84; HB £27.04.
Well, Jonathan, and I agree with all the other members of the panel, except that I'd like to talk about myself, now that I'm a politician and people in my constituency tell me that it's time I did something Rantzenish. And that's just what I'm gonna do. No, I'm not gonna show you my thing, I mean my thong, however (ghastly, nightmare, coquettish grin-cum-snarl) much you'd like me to. But instead I'm gonna do something which showed just how wonderful and caring and suited for Power I am. Listeners may remember...
