Sunday, 7 June 2026

The Sunday Ishmael: 07/06/2026

On the 21st  June 1919  a funeral was being conducted in the Orphir kirkyard by the shore. The deceased had just been laid to rest and the minister was in the middle of the committal service when a whisper went round the mourners – ‘Boy, the Germans is sinking their ships’. When the minister opened his eyes he was shocked to see not a single mourner left at the graveside – they were lining the kirkyard dyke above the shore gazing out at the sinking German High Fleet. Mrs Hester Scarth of Binscarth, who was at Swanbister that day reported being particularly impressed by the British destroyers which had been on exercise in the open sea coming back at full speed and "simply tearing across the Flow, throwing up tremendous bow waves." 
Captain R C V Ross, on board one of those destroyers, said: “On 21st June 1919 the big ships and destroyers had proceeded to sea for gunnery and torpedo practice.....we were actually picking up our torpedoes after a run when we received the electrifying signal: ‘German Fleet sinking. Return to harbour at full speed.’ We were back inside the Flow far ahead of the battleships...... In all directions the great German super-dreadnoughts and cruisers were indeed sinking: some rolling over and going down with great bubbles, others settling on an even keel, or sliding under bows first.” 
Chaplain G L Bourdillon, on board HMS Royal Sovereign, wrote to his wife: “The first sign we saw was the masts of a ship at a sharp angle over Flotta. Half the German ships had disappeared and several of the remainder were in a sinking condition! One battleship had her quarter-deck awash, and as we watched thro’ glasses, we saw her gradually lift her bows out of the water, roll over and disappear below the surface, leaving nothing but a vast patch of bubbling foam. It was one of the most thrilling sights I have witnessed… I then came down to see the prisoners coming aboard. Boatload after boatload, in they poured, officers and men, till we had over 400 of them on board! They were quartered mostly in the batteries both sides. All the arrangements worked smoothly, but there wasn’t much sleep for anyone last night." 
They left at 6 am to take the Germans to Cromarty, arriving at noon and heading back to Scapa by 5 pm, to undertake salvage work and save what they could of the fleet. 
Bourdillon said: “We are now tidying up. The mess everywhere was awful, and the odour!!!”

The First World War ended with the Armistice of 11 November 1918. The Allied powers agreed that Germany's U-boat fleet should be surrendered without the possibility of return, but could not agree about the fate of the surface fleet.  The Americans suggested that the ships be interned in a neutral port pending a decision. Following the refusal of  Norway and Spain to host the fleet, it was agreed that the fleet be interned at Scapa Flow in Orkney with a skeleton crew of German sailors, and guarded in the interim by the Grand Fleet. The terms were forced on the Germans by the threat that failure to agree would result in the invasion by the Allies of Heligoland.

176 U-boats, which began arriving at Harwich on 20 November 1918, were surrendered. The surface fleet was met by the light cruiser HMS Cardiff on the morning of 21 November, and was led to the rendezvous with over 370 ships of the Grand Fleet and other allied navies. There were 70 German ships in total; the battleship König and the light cruiser Dresden had engine trouble and had to be left behind. The destroyer V30 struck a mine while crossing, and sank. The German ships were escorted into the Firth of Forth, where they anchored. The fleet was then moved between 25 and 27 November to Scapa Flow.  Eventually, a total of 74 ships were interned there, König and Dresden having arrived on 6 December accompanied by the destroyer V129, which replaced the sunken V30. The last ship to arrive was the battleship Baden on 9 January 1919.
Over the next two months, sailors who had brought the Fleet in were repatriated, leaving some 1700 men as skeleton crews. Conditions were dreadful. The men were not treated as prisoners of war and were considered to be the responsibility of Germany. Germany was in chaos following its defeat and provisioned the men with the scantest of rations on a monthly basis. Sailors were forbidden to fraternise with the crews of the other ships or to leave their ships to set foot on Orkney. They fished from the deck of their ships and caught gulls, but abandoned that when they discovered gulls made poor eating. Defying orders, they went in the ship's boats around the guard ships, asking for food and saying they were starving. They put ashore on Hoy and stole sheep. The Navy responded by taking all the boats and beaching them on Hoy. Discipline was poor, the men were bored and they had no soap, hence the appalling smell described by Bourdillon.
Meanwhile, the Allies continued to squabble over the spoils of war. At the  Paris Peace Conference, the French and Italians each laid claim to a quarter of the ships. The British wanted them destroyed, since they knew that if the others got their hands on them, the British Navy would lose its proportional advantage over the navies of their allies. The Armistice forebad the Germans destroying their ships. It was feared that scuttling would be attempted; Admirals Keyes and Leveson recommended that the ships be seized anyway and the crews interned ashore at Nigg Camp, but their suggestions were not taken up.  
The Treaty of Versailles was scheduled to be signed at noon on 21 June 1919. Rear Admiral Ludwig Von Reuter, fearing that the terms of the Treaty would be unacceptable to Germany, in which case hostilities would be resumed and the British would seize the German Fleet to wage war on Germany, issued his orders to the Fleet on the 18th June. "It is my intention to sink the ships only if the enemy should attempt to obtain possession of them without the assent of our government. Should our government agree in the peace to terms to the surrender of the ships, then the ships will be handed over, to the lasting disgrace of those who have placed us in this position." 
This is the scuttled battlecruiser, SMS Hindenburg, resting on the sea bed of Scapa Flow.
Preparations were made. Stopcocks were greased, sledge hammers placed ready, and holes knocked in bulwarks to facilitate incoming seawater flowing into the ships. Arrangements for abandoning ship were put in place.
Oberbootsmannmaat (Petty Officer) Franz Müller was shot by a British guard aboard SMS Markgraf when he refused to stop opening the seacocks.
 During the afternoon, 1,774 Germans were picked up and transported by battleships of the First Battle Squadron to Invergordon. Admiral Fremantle had sent out a general order declaring that the Germans were to be treated as prisoners-of-war for having broken the armistice and they were destined for the prisoner-of-war camps at Nigg. Reuter and several of his officers were brought onto the quarterdeck of HMS Revenge, for a good shouting at by Fremantle – through an interpreter – denouncing their actions as dishonourable while Reuter and his men looked on "with expressionless faces". Admiral Fremantle subsequently remarked privately, "I could not resist feeling some sympathy for Reuter, who had preserved his dignity when placed against his will in a highly unpleasant and invidious position."
Of the 74 German ships at Scapa Flow, 15 of the 16 capital ships, 5 of the 8 cruisers, and 32 of the 50 destroyers were sunk. The remainder either remained afloat, or were towed to shallower waters and beached. The beached ships were later dispersed to the allied navies, but most of the sunken ships were initially left at the bottom of Scapa Flow, the cost of salvaging them not worth the potential returns, owing to the glut of scrap metal left after the end of the war, with plenty of obsolete warships having been broken up. After complaints from locals that the wrecks were a hazard to navigation, a salvage company was formed in 1923, which raised four of the sunken destroyers.
In 2019, the three battleships Markgraf, König and Kronprinz Wilhelm were sold on eBay (by the retiring diving contractor Tommy Clark) for £25,500 each to a Middle Eastern company. The cruiser, Karlsruhe, sold for £8,500 to a private bidder in England.
The low-background steel harvested from the ships is used in the manufacture of radiation-sensitive devices, such as Geiger counters, as it is not contaminated with radioisotopes, having been produced before any chance of nuclear contamination.

The Treaty of Versailles  imposed harsh penalties on Germany, including war guilt, reparations, territorial losses, and military restrictions. We've seen how Reuter responded, by scuttling the Fleet.  The Versailles settlement failed to establish lasting peace, the humiliation creating a desire for revenge and national restoration, which Adolf Hitler and the Nazi Party exploited to gain support. The German resentment and loss of face as a great Power was exacerbated by the severe economic crises, including the Great Depression, of the Twenties and Thirties.  Germany and Italy, facing economic pressures and limited access to resources, pursued aggressive expansionist policies to secure markets and raw materials, continuing the imperial rivalries that had led to World War I and seeking to overturn the Versailles territorial settlements and rebuild their influence in Europe. 
The First World War led to the Second World War, as night follows day. Essentially, World War II was a continuation of World War I because it arose from the same unresolved issues: punitive peace terms, economic hardship, nationalism, and imperial competition. And the Second World War led to the migration crisis of the twenty-first century. In the aftermath of the Second World War, the immense loss of life created labour shortages in Britain, France and Germany and Sub-Saharan Africans began migrating into Europe. The French, in particular, welcomed workers from its former Empire, as part of the Françafrique system of retaining ties between France and its many colonies in West Africa, like Senegal, Mali and the Ivory Coast.
 Following the Second World War and the breakup of the British Empire, Indian migration to Britain increased through the 1950s and 1960s, partly due to the British Nationality Act 1948, which enabled migration from the Commonwealth with very few limits. In the aftermath of the Second World War, these links facilitated significant flows of people from across the Commonwealth to Britain, helping to rebuild the economy, expand public services, and address acute labour shortages. Britain’s labour shortages shaped post-war migration patterns from the subcontinent. It was primarily men from middle-ranking peasant families in Punjab – many of whom had previously served in the colonial army – who came. They found work in manufacturing, textile mills, and the service sector. The textile mills of Bradford and the foundries of Birmingham became magnets for Indian workers. 
There is no labour shortage in Britain now - but there is a labour imbalance, which is disadvantaging white indigenous young people, who seem unable to find the entry-level jobs any more.

My dad was with the Royal Army Medical Corps at the D Day Landings in June 1944. He described the sky black with gliders towed by bombers, providing air support and parachutists in Operation Tonga and Operation Overlord. The D-Day landings,  involved over 156,000 Allied troops storming five beaches in Normandy. Of these, 4,414 Allied servicemen died during the initial 24 hours of the invasion, including 2,501 Americans, 1,449 British, 391 Canadians, and 73 from other Allied nations.  Total Allied casualties, including wounded and missing, were around 10,000 on that day. German losses on D-Day are estimated to be between 4,000 and 9,000 killed during the landings 
The D-Day invasion was the largest seaborne assault in history, involving 7,000 ships, 11,000 aircraft, and over 150,000 troops. 
The operation started the beginning of the liberation of France and Western Europe from Nazi occupation. My dad marched with that Army of  liberation across Europe to Berlin, where he assisted in the cleaning out of the concentration camps.
D-Day should be commemorated every year. Damn it, it is personal. It lives in the memories of Britons and Europeans living today. Every family remembers their menfolk who fought and died together. Or survived, coming home changed and determined to build a better world. The start of the death of deference. The collapse of empire. A world in which the state is responsible for its citizens rather than seeing them as cannon fodder or breeders of cannon fodder.

So, and this is where I've been aiming through this essay - did Pete Hegseth  desecrate that memory in his D-Day speech yesterday? He criticised European nations about migration for allowing what he described as an "invasion" of their shores. "Sadly, today, different European beaches are stormed by different dangerous ideologies. Beaches in Spain, in Italy, in Greece and Bulgaria. Boats and men arrive. When will European capitals do something about that invasion?" 
And should he butt out, as the Sage of Tottenham opined this morning? This is European stuff, after all. And Hegseth's a Yank. 
Hell, no. D-Day belongs to the American allies as much as to the European allies. And he's right. Hegseth’s speech argued that the Second World War shaped the modern world, that the consequences of that war still reverberate and that today’s geopolitical and demographic realities are rooted in the twentieth century’s conflicts. Here's the structural link:  empire led to world wars which led to decolonisation which led to migration.
Migrant tents in Paris. May 2025. Now that's not right. 
 Hegseth said that in the years since D-Day some European capitals have grown too "comfortable" with their hard-fought freedoms, forgetting that "freedom is not free. The men who fought and died here restored freedom to Europe. That freedom must be maintained by this generation of leaders and war fighters or what they fought for was merely temporary."

..............................He's right................................

I'm moving house, so I'm going to be very busy for a while. Please feel free to talk amongst yourselves, as I'm away for a few weeks. 
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There are four splendid anthologies of the writings of stanislav and mr ishmael, compiled by his friend, mr verge, the house filthster. You can buy them from Amazon or Lulu. Here's how:
Honest Not Invent, Vent Stack, Ishmael’s Blues, and the latest, Flush Test (with a nice picture of the late, much lamented, Mr Harris of Lanarkshire taking a piss on a totem pole) are available from Lulu and Amazon. If you buy from Amazon, it would be nice if you could give a review on their website.
IIshmaelites wishing to buy a copy from lulu should follow these steps 
please register an account first, at lulu.com. This is advisable because otherwise paypal seems to think it's ok to charge in dollars, and they then apply their own conversion rate, which might put the price up slightly for a UK buyer. Once the new account is set up, follow one of the links below (to either paperback or hardback) or type "Ishmael’s Blues" into the Lulu Bookstore search box. Click on the “show explicit content” tab, give the age verification box a date of birth such as 1 January 1960, and proceed.
Link for Hardcover : https://tinyurl.com/je7nddfr
Link for Paperback : https://tinyurl.com/3jurrzux
https://www.lulu.com/shop/ishmael-smith/flush-test/paperback/product-9yjvn7.html?q=Flush+Test&page=1&pageSize=4

At checkout, try WELCOME15 in the coupon box, which (for the moment) takes 15% off the price before postage. If this code has expired by the time you reach this point, try a google search for "Lulu.com voucher code" and see what comes up.
With the 15% voucher, PB (including delivery to a UK address) should be £16.84; HB £27.04.


Sunday, 31 May 2026

The Sunday Ishmael: 31/05/2026

She appears to have doubled her body weight since escaping Scotland and taking up residence in a luxury apartment in London; as demonstrated by the BBC's cruel choice of  past images of her prancing like a tit on triumphalist platforms in her neat little suits and her neat little mouth.
The neat little mouth is more of a clenched thin line these days, but now she has to go in for the big, blowsy male-cut jackets and trousers to drape her rendition of a rather large dominatrix in vertiginous heels. She ticked the boxes in her carefully-managed, sad presentation on the Laura Kuenssberg Show today: 
  • Look, I'm a working class girl from Glasgow
  • I'm a loyal and trusting wife whose husband deceived her 
  • We never had holidays because I worked so hard as First Minister for Scotland
  • We never socialised for ditto reason 
  • We don't have children(sob in voice, pause, tears filling eyes, leaving the audience to remember the Miscarriage) 
  • I believed the Accountants and Auditors, so its all their fault. 
  • No, I haven't formed a new relationship.
It was only when Laura suggested that Nicola may be facing the sequestration of the suburban marital home to recover the £400,000 her husband spaffed on  fancy watches and gold inlaid pepper grinders, not to mention the electric Jaguar and the fancy motor home that we saw a return of the feisty Sturgeon.
 It is ma hame and Ah havenae committed any offences. I was exonerated and fully co-operated with the Polis. The Nae Comment interview Ah gave was on legal advice and didnae mean I was not co-operating. It was all on Peter and he has pleaded guilty and that is that. I liked that necklace and Peter gave it to me as a surprise present when I admired it in that Shetland shop. D'ye think I would hae worn it or used the £5000 pen if I'd known Peter had bought it wi' embezzled funds?
 Did you visit your mother-in-law at all?
 A handfu' o' times.
 Didn't you happen to notice a sodding great luxury motor home parked in the front drive?
 It was parked round the side and I thought it was the neighbour's. And Peter said that because of Covid it would be good to have a motorhame to go campaigning in. Keep us out of hotels, like.
 But you surely noticed a top of the range new Jaguar parked on your own front drive?
 I wasn't a driver and I'm nae interested in cars so I didnae notice it. And Peter said we needed to hae an electric car and this one had a good range. 
 
It really was as bad as that. Nicola Sturgeon's very own Prince Andrew makes an embarrassing tit of himself with Emily Maitlis moment.

The magnificent Joanna Cherry (okay, a nationalist, but nobody's perfect), saw straight through the theatrics, tears and attempts at self-exoneration. Sturgeon's either corrupt or incompetent, she said. If she wasn't complicit in the corruption at the top of the SNP, then she utterly failed to provide oversight, scrutiny and due diligence. Cherry is calling for an Inquiry into what went wrong. John Swinney, First Minister, has refused to have an Inquiry. He says he knows what went wrong. Peter Murrell. Murrell's a self-confessed criminal and there's no need to bother about an Inquiry. Cherry says Swinney's sole purpose as First Minister is to cover-up the mess of the Sturgeon years. Don't forget that John Swinney (former Finance Secretary, former SNP Leader), Colin Beattie (SNP Treasurer), Peter Murrell (former SNP Chief Executive) and Nicola Sturgeon (former First Minister and Leader of the SNP) were best buddies, SNP aristocracy, a powerful little Gang of Four, who hounded Salmond into Court to face charges of which he was exonerated, but which successfully ended his political career. 
Joanna Cherry is reminding us that although Murrell is a useful scapegoat, the question of the missing £600,000 remains unanswered. What happened to it? 
Sturgeon's answer to that is that the SNP party finances went up and down a lot.
Then there's the neat little fact that Murrell's court appearance was "continued" until after the Holyrood elections were held, presumably so that the facts would not be known by voters in case it prejudiced them against the SNP, which, I remind you, has just achieved its fifth consecutive term of office. Swinney is busy pretending that his bare majority, achieved by the votes of a very small turn out, and therefore cannot be seen as the "will of the Scottish people", has been given a mandate to request Westminster for permission to hold another referendum. Well, it will distract the voters from Embezzlement, Incompetence, the Missing £600 grand and the Motorhome. When Westminster refuses, as we can only hope they will hold firm, then the Nats can distract themselves by vilifying the English. 
As usual.
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The 5th June 2026 will be the one hundred and tenth anniversary of the death of Field Marshal Horatio Herbert Kitchener, 1st Earl Kitchener, at the age of 66. He went down with his ship, the HMS Hampshire, off the coast of Birsay in Orkney, together with 737 of the 749 people aboard.
HMS Hampshire
When I started work in Orkney, I had the privilege of sharing an office with a chap who regaled me with many tales of my newly-adopted homeland. Back then, I didn't know my Royal Oak from my Hampshire and was enthralled by my colleague's tale. In June, 2016, midway through the First World War, HMS Hampshire sailed out  from Scapa Flow on a secret mission to our ally Russia, via the port of Arkhangelsk, loaded with gold for the Russians, carrying national hero Lord Kitchener to do the deal. Kitchener had travelled up  from London by train, before embarking on the Hampshire. Due to the gale-force conditions, Hampshire's route would take it through the Pentland Firth, then turn north along the western coast of the Orkney Islands, accompanied by escorting destroyers,  Unity and Victor. The destroyers  fell behind Hampshire due to the weather conditions and were ordered to return to Scapa Flow.
Alone in heavy seas, Hampshire was approximately 1.5 nautical miles off Mainland in the Orkney Islands between the Brough of Birsay and Marwick Head at 19:40 on 5 June when a devastating explosion occurred, holing the cruiser between bows and bridge, and the lifeboats were smashed against the side of the ship by the heavy seas when they were lowered. About 15 minutes after the explosion, Hampshire sank by the bow. Of the 735 crewmembers and 14 passengers aboard, only 12 crew survived after coming ashore on three Carley floats. A total of 737 were lost, including Kitchener and all the members of the mission to Russia.

It would still be daylight until 11.00 pm at that time of year, and onshore observers from the Royal Garrison Artillery had seen the Hampshire explode. 
Palace village, Birsay
  
The postmistress in the remote settlement of Birsay sent an immediate SOS by telegraph to Kirkwall to alert the naval authorities. But the Hampshire went down quickly – time only to launch three small life rafts, which were soon hopelessly overcrowded with desperate sailors. Interviews in the local archives hold the recollections of some of the Orcadians who braved the howling winds and torrential rain to try to rescue those sailors who might make it to the few inlets between the cliffs. They found the life rafts dashed on the rocks, one thrust by the enormous waves into a crevice in the cliffs high above the sea. The official report lists 643 dead, though local historian Brian Budge believes the true figure to be 725. It is certain that there were a mere 12 survivors. Of Lord Kitchener there was no sign at all. Though corpses continued to wash up on Orkney's shores  for weeks afterwards, Kitchener’s body was never found.
Crofters and fishermen ran down to the cliffs with ropes, lanterns, blankets — anything they could grab. But the cliffs at Marwick are sheer, and the sea was smashing against them with such force that no boat could be launched. Soldiers formed a line and barred the Orcadians from the cliffs, some with bayonets fixed. One man said he felt “as if we were watching men die and could do nothing.” Another said the cries of the survivors were carried on the wind but faded quickly.
Local people desperate to rescue the sailors reported their experience of being turned back at the point of a bayonet.  Orcadians believed that British military headquarters ordered the local lifeboat not to put to sea to attempt a rescue.
It was believed that the explosion had blown Hampshire's hull outwards, indicating sabotage. It was reported that two smaller explosions followed.
The wreck is designated as a controlled site under the Protection of Military Remains Act 1986 at coordinates 59°7.065′N 3°23.843′W and diving is forbidden without a licence. The ship is upside down at a depth of 180–230 feet (30–38 fathoms; 55–70 m) of water.
 According to two men who dived the wreck before the current ban was introduced, she lies upside down on the seabed and you can swim straight into the cavernous engine rooms (“like Westminster Hall”, said one of them.) The ship’s coal-fired boilers hang from the roof above. The bow is severed from the rest of the ship – “It’s a huge hole, almost a third of the length of the ship,” said John Thornton, a Scapa Flow diver.  Veterans of shipwreck investigations say the first thing that sailors do when abandoning ship is to kick off their sea boots: the seabed at the scene of a disaster is generally littered with shoes or relics of shoes. There were none at the site of the Hampshire – evidence, says Thornton, that “the ship went down very fast indeed”.
My colleague told me that day trip outings for old people from the care homes would never go up to that spot because it brought back dreadfully distressing memories, particularly of being prevented from helping the survivors by soldiers. So distressed were local people that they raised the colossal sum of £700 to build a monument. A tower was erected on Marwick Head in 1926 by the people of Orkney to the memory of Kitchener and the officers and men of Hampshire. The Kitchener Memorial is a square, crenellated stone tower with the following inscription:
This tower was raised by the people of Orkney in memory of Field Marshal Earl Kitchener of Khartoum on that corner of his country which he had served so faithfully nearest to the place where he died on duty. He and his staff perished along with the officers and nearly all the men of HMS Hampshire on 5 June 1916.
Twenty  five years ago I walked up to the Kitchener Memorial on Marwick Head with my dog boys. I don't think I could do it now - it is a very steep climb.
The two files in the National Archives concerning the sinking of the Hampshire remained closed to the public until the end of 2015 and 2025. A  Freedom of Information enquiry after the files were opened revealed nothing to justify the sealing of the records for one hundred years. Had the compromising material been removed?
What was going on? Who wanted Kitchener dead? Where is the gold that Hampshire was carrying to seal negotiations with our Russian ally?  It was said that an expedition jointly sponsored by the arms dealer Sir Basil Zaharov and the German industrialist Gustav Krupp in the 1930s recovered good quantities of it. Was there a German spy on board who set bombs to sink the ship and was taken off the ship by submarine? Fritz Joubert Duquesne – a Boer and German spy – claimed to have assumed the identity of Russian Count Boris Zakrevsky and joined Kitchener in Scotland. Duquesne supposedly signalled a German U-boat shortly after departing Scapa Flow to alert them that Kitchener's ship was approaching. He was then rescued by the submarine as Hampshire sank. 
Was the hull blown out or blown in? Divers are not allowed to go down to check that out.  
 Oscar Wilde’s former lover, Lord Alfred Douglas, published a pamphlet setting out his belief that Churchill had plotted Kitchener’s death, engineered the sinking of HMS Hampshire, and had done so for sinister wartime motives. He  alleged Churchill was responsible for “World War I misconduct,” sending the ship  to its doom in return for £40,000. Churchill sued Douglas, who served 6 months imprisonment.
The official story is that much of this is nonsense. Hampshire struck one of several mines laid by the German minelaying submarine U-75 on 28–29 May, just before the Battle of Jutland. 

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There are four splendid anthologies of the writings of stanislav and mr ishmael, compiled by his friend, mr verge, the house filthster. You can buy them from Amazon or Lulu. Here's how:
Honest Not Invent, Vent Stack, Ishmael’s Blues, and the latest, Flush Test (with a nice picture of the late, much lamented, Mr Harris of Lanarkshire taking a piss on a totem pole) are available from Lulu and Amazon. If you buy from Amazon, it would be nice if you could give a review on their website.
IIshmaelites wishing to buy a copy from lulu should follow these steps 
please register an account first, at lulu.com. This is advisable because otherwise paypal seems to think it's ok to charge in dollars, and they then apply their own conversion rate, which might put the price up slightly for a UK buyer. Once the new account is set up, follow one of the links below (to either paperback or hardback) or type "Ishmael’s Blues" into the Lulu Bookstore search box. Click on the “show explicit content” tab, give the age verification box a date of birth such as 1 January 1960, and proceed.
Link for Hardcover : https://tinyurl.com/je7nddfr
Link for Paperback : https://tinyurl.com/3jurrzux
https://www.lulu.com/shop/ishmael-smith/flush-test/paperback/product-9yjvn7.html?q=Flush+Test&page=1&pageSize=4

At checkout, try WELCOME15 in the coupon box, which (for the moment) takes 15% off the price before postage. If this code has expired by the time you reach this point, try a google search for "Lulu.com voucher code" and see what comes up.
With the 15% voucher, PB (including delivery to a UK address) should be £16.84; HB £27.04.
Marwick Head


Sunday, 24 May 2026

The Sunday Ishmael: 24/05/2026

 
It costs £63,000 per year, per child, to attend this establishment. That cost includes board and lodging and  tuition. You have to buy your own clothes. There is a strict dress code.  To attend you must be male and aged between 13 and 18.  The cost of attending falls on the parent of the child unless a scholarship or bursary is made available. Without such, and most children are not in receipt of those benefits, a  family needs to earn £143,386 per year to send one child there and still retain sufficient income for the necessities of life. The median average salary in Britain is £37,430.

It costs £72,198 per year, per child, to attend this establishment. That cost includes board and lodging and tuition. You do not have to buy your own clothes, which are provided. There is a strict dress code for visitors. You will not be allowed to visit your child unless you adhere to the following guidance:
modest dress only, no work clothes (including uniforms and trousers with multiple pockets), no sports shirts or football shirts, no jumpers or shirts with hoods, no mobile phones, no offensive logos, no sunglasses or headscarves unless worn for religious reasons, no ripped jeans, no vest tops, no short skirts or dresses, they must be knee length.

To attend this establishment you must be male and aged between 15 and 18.  The cost of attending falls on the State. The boroughs supplying the largest numbers of young offenders to this institution e.g. Hounslow, Ealing, Brent, Croydon, Lambeth, Southwark, Newham, are in the bottom 10–20% for income. Because the majority of boys come from these areas, the best evidence‑based inference of household income  is likely to fall in the region of £18,000–£24,000 per year.

Eton, the first establishment, rigorously excludes the academically challenged and, upon leaving Eton, 80 to 90% go straight into Higher Education. Feltham, the second, and more expensive establishment, has a reoffending rate of 70% within a year of release.

Two institutions 20 miles apart. Two utterly different social worlds.

MeasureFeltham BoysEton Boys
Household income:£18k–£24k        £200k+ typical
Neighbourhood
deprivation:
Bottom 10%  Top 1–5%
Reoffending rate:70%   negligible
University entry:<5%   80–90%
Likelihood of custody:extremely high  effectively zero

Two groups of boys, 20 miles apart, living in entirely different countries in terms of opportunity, risk, and outcomes. How very British.

Now, are Eton boys essentially more law abiding than the boys who end up in Feltham? Given what we know about the maturation of the brain, that's unlikely. A teenage boy is emotionally immature, neurologically impulsive, driven by peers, unable to link actions to consequences, shaped by pornography and lacking empathy and boundaries. A boy doesn't finish growing his brain until he's in his twenties. So what is going on with the Eton boys that keeps them out of Feltham?

Er- could that be class bias?

Middle‑class boys have better legal representation, parents who advocate, write letters, hire experts, schools that excuse behaviour as “out of character”, judges who do not want to disturb their career trajectory into university, more likely to get community sentences, rehabilitation, sealed records. Whereas working‑class boys have less effective advocacy - the overworked legal aid solicitor, schools that have already excluded them, histories of generational police contact, the stigma of their postcode, judges who see a “pattern” rather than a “mistake” and are more likely to get custody, even when the offence is similar. And, this is a seriously significant factor, middle class boys are more likely to have two parents in the home, whereas Feltham lads are more likely to have been raised by a single parent.
A Utopian solution might be to empty out Eton and replace its customers with the Feltham children. It would be cheaper for the state and if the fabled Eton education lived up to the promise on its website that: " we proudly offer a unique and outstanding education with endless opportunities. Growing up in our boarding community develops personal growth and lifelong friendships in the safety of our wrap-around pastoral care, while nurturing the value of leadership and service", then the saving in human misery to the countless victims of Feltham's graduates reoffending, would add to the jollity of the nation. Wouldn't work, of course, because by the time a child is sentenced to a Young Offender institution, he is already beyond redemption. Even at Eton. Although it would be nice to see them try, instead of wasting all that outstanding education and pastoral care on the already deeply-privileged.
You see, Feltham doesn't rehabilitate anybody. It contains the bodies of the imprisoned, whilst doing worse than nothing for their minds, souls and spirits. It is a horror show of violence and drug addiction. It takes dangerous children and turns them into dangerous men. There are reasons for this. YOIs are not therapeutic environments, staff turnover is high, boys are moved frequently, sentences are often too short for engagement in meaningful change work, the environment is violent, chaotic, and traumatising, group work is unsafe and privacy and trust are impossible.
YOIs are the worst possible setting for treating sexual offending in adolescents. They cannot rehabilitate sexual offenders. They can only punish them. And punishment in and of itself increases risk.
All this was in Judge Nicholas Rowland's mind on Thursday when he sentenced
three teenage boys, two aged 15 and one aged 14, convicted of raping two girls in separate attacks. They were nasty, nasty offences, made worse by having been carefully planned, the use of a knife and filming the rapes. The film showed the boys, who were 13, 14 and 14 at the time of the rapes, laughing and encouraging each other. The victims, their families, the public, media and pundits are all agreed that the sentencing was ridiculously lenient and only a prison sentence would meet the gravity of the offending. Reading the comments, you'd think the three boys, who have 10 rape convictions between them, had got away scot free. Far from it. The two older boys, now 15, were given three-year Youth Rehabilitation Orders - the longest standard term for a YRO - with 180 days of intensive surveillance and supervision. The youngest boy was given an 18-month YRO. All three boys were also made subject to a three-month curfew and given a restraining order for 10 years not to contact their victims.
That sentence is serious and stands the best chance of changing the life course that they have been pursuing. The Youth Justice Board and NSPCC are very clear that the most effective interventions for child sex offenders are community‑based, specialist programmes delivered by trained psychologists over many months with family involvement, stable education and trauma‑informed practice. Programmes that work on empathy, consent, boundaries, pornography, peer pressure, and distorted beliefs have very low reoffending rates — often under 10%. Contrast that with custody, with its 70% reoffending rate.
The current media-led outcry wants none of those pesky fact thingies. It wants punishment, and will only be satisfied by the reintroduction of 18th century punishments: birching, transportation, hanging. Even though those savage punishments didn't deter children from offending. Historical criminology shows that Victorian youth offending rates were extremely high, pickpocketing, burglary, violence, and sexual offences were common. So why didn't harsh punishments deter children? Because the drivers of youth crime were the same then as now: poverty, neglect, lack of education, trauma, unstable homes, exploitation by adults, peer pressure, lack of opportunity and the use of alcohol and drugs. Punishment didn't work then and doesn't work now. If the media frenzy results in the sentencing being recalled and a Young Offender Institution sentence substituted, then be sure that the custodial sentence will be shorter and will have the effect of making bad worse.
In the meantime, just as householders have had to install Ring doorbells and burglar alarms to protect themselves from burglary, teenage girls should take from this sorry tale that they should protect themselves from rape as far as they are able - don't meet three stranger gypsy lads in an isolated place because they've sent a nice text, for pity's sake. It shouldn't be like that. But it is. ..................................................................................................
They really do take their politics seriously in America, don't they? Another attempt on the President's life. Another assassin shot dead. Some people just don't deserve democracy.
.................................................................................
There are four splendid anthologies of the writings of stanislav and mr ishmael, compiled by his friend, mr verge, the house filthster. You can buy them from Amazon or Lulu. Here's how:
Honest Not Invent, Vent Stack, Ishmael’s Blues, and the latest, Flush Test (with a nice picture of the late, much lamented, Mr Harris of Lanarkshire taking a piss on a totem pole) are available from Lulu and Amazon. If you buy from Amazon, it would be nice if you could give a review on their website.
IIshmaelites wishing to buy a copy from lulu should follow these steps 
please register an account first, at lulu.com. This is advisable because otherwise paypal seems to think it's ok to charge in dollars, and they then apply their own conversion rate, which might put the price up slightly for a UK buyer. Once the new account is set up, follow one of the links below (to either paperback or hardback) or type "Ishmael’s Blues" into the Lulu Bookstore search box. Click on the “show explicit content” tab, give the age verification box a date of birth such as 1 January 1960, and proceed.
Link for Hardcover : https://tinyurl.com/je7nddfr
Link for Paperback : https://tinyurl.com/3jurrzux
https://www.lulu.com/shop/ishmael-smith/flush-test/paperback/product-9yjvn7.html?q=Flush+Test&page=1&pageSize=4

At checkout, try WELCOME15 in the coupon box, which (for the moment) takes 15% off the price before postage. If this code has expired by the time you reach this point, try a google search for "Lulu.com voucher code" and see what comes up.
With the 15% voucher, PB (including delivery to a UK address) should be £16.84; HB £27.04.

Sunday, 17 May 2026

The Sunday Ishmael: 17/05/2026

 Apologies, Commentariat, I'm aware that I have been neglecting you, but just to let you know I'm in the throes of an imminent house move. It has been creeping up on me, like Christmas does - one day it is January and you are eating up the festive left overs, but before you know it people are organising parties and ordering turkeys. Again. Anyway, I'm in full panic mode. Even the post delivery functionary runs away after throwing letters into the house for fear of being bubble wrapped and boxed.  
That's how the post is delivered here - the door is flung open, the parcel or letters dropped on the floor and photographed and off they go. The other day I received one of those self congratulatory emails from Royal Mail: "We have delivered your parcel, mrs ishmael, how did we do?" And there's a photo of the parcel inside the hall. Except it wasn't my hall. It was some generic white-painted hall, with absolutely no identifying features. Fortunately, the driver had several deliveries in the immediate vicinity and I was able to leap out at him before he could make his getaway. Puzzled, he got out and approached. "Look", I said, "I've got an email saying you've delivered my parcel. But you haven't."
"There's a photo, showing the delivery."
"Maybe so, but it isn't a photo of my house. And there's no parcel."
I was going on to explain about the lack of identifying features and offer to show him the photo, but he held up his finger and said; 
"Stop talking now."
"What...."
"No, Stop Talking. I'm Thinking."
And so he was. I could see the Thoughts going on across the troubled brow. Abruptly, he stopped Thinking and turned to his van. "But my parcel" I wailed.
"I will go and look for it," he reassured me and drove off.

Despite the bubble wrap, I have been aware that it has been a spiffing week in politics. Everyone conspiring and lying and doing the noble thing. Who is running the country while this is going on? Why, the Civil Service, of course, like they always do. Thrown into a frenzy by the Local Elections and Plaid's Welsh triumph, the Labour lot believe that all they have to do is to find a more charismatic leader than Starmer the Nasal Borer and they won't be out of a job. As mr ishmael said: " The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men think of their careers."
Joker Josh Simons - he it was who suggested that Channel smuggling gangs should be put on a barge and sent to Scotland. Anas Sarwar, the Scottish Labour leader, said that was "stupid" and "cringe". Labour MSP Monica Lennon said: "There should be no place in the Labour Party for these disgraceful comments." Simons apologised, saying the remarks were made "in jest". The Scottish Labour lot don't do humour. That was in February 2024. Two years later it was reported that Simons had been responsible for investigating the private affairs of journalists who had published an article unfavourable to Labour Together, a think tank he ran. Simons was accused of naming them to British intelligence, and falsely linking them to pro-Russian propaganda. On 28 February 2026, he resigned his ministerial positions, stating that while he had been cleared of breaching the Ministerial Code, the allegations had become a "distraction" from the government's work. So when gorgeous, pouting Andy Burnham needed a seat in Parliament so that he could save Britain, the obvious candidate to resign his seat and do the noble thing was Jesting Josh - being a bit of an embarrassment. Burnam's not necessarily a shoe-in, though, despite being Northern, playing football and having pretty eyes.
Burnham 
 told a national newspaper in 2008: "I had an email in my constituency office saying 'what mascara do you use?' I can only say, hand on heart, that I have never, ever worn mascara."
The problem is that Joss' sacrifice may be in vain, because the Makerfield constituency is now strongly Reform, as demonstrated in the local elections last week. It would be just too, too amusing if Burnham resigned as Mayor of Manchester, Simons resigned as MP for Makerfield and the upshot was that Nigel Farage gained another Parliamentary seat, Manchester lost a Labour Mayor and Starmer remains Prime Minister.
The other candidate who would like to be Prime Minister is Streeting - a gay Metropolitan elite Europhile. He, too has pretty eyes and is careful always to wear blue ties and a blue suit, despite being Labour, to enhance his blue eyes.  
He is chubby, charming, chubby, a good communicator, chubby, but despite all these good attributes he blew it by assuring the nation that he would have Britain back in Europe as soon as possible. Which bit of the Reform message did he not understand?
Which bit of Reform's success did he not get? Starmer said he got it, he really got it, and his work to subvert the will of the anti-European British public has been stealthy and covert. Chubby Wes, a stranger to subtlety and the fact that the powerful Red Wall - which elected the Labour lot with a majority to die for - has now turned in force to a party that is specifically anti-European, led by a man who understands the power of  a pint and a fag.


And is Britain ready for a Chubby Gay Prime Minister?
Then there's this. A mandelsonian connection. Julie Birchell described it as Streeting's "Albatross with an unusual interest in Farrow and Ball paint colours."

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." (Helen Keller)

Kemi Badenoch, who just gets more and more Prime Ministerial, summed up Labour's problem beautifully today. She said that it is all very well having a plan to get elected, but you then have to have a plan to govern. I thought that is what a manifesto sets out to do. But, having been elected, they so far failed to meet the legitimate expectations of voters who thought they had voted for a Labour Government, they are now scratching round like Tories to find someone who can pull the trick off again. 
 Lugubrious Will Self on Kuenssberg looked like a hirsute Ancient Mariner who has spent the night lecturing passing sailors on the moral failings of the electorate.
His eyes said: “I have read more books than you, and frankly I regret you.”
His beard said: “I have been lost at sea since 1998.”
His tone said: “Why must I explain democracy to people who insist on participating in it.”
He actually said, more or less, never mind all this pissing about with personality leadership contests, like a political Miss World - doesn't anyone realise we are at war and do something about governing this country? I have blood cancer and the Russians have hacked London's blood data.
Are they trying to get you, Will? 
Interviewed in February this year by the Telegraph, he required the interviewer to sit at a safe distance on the opposite side of the room to him, whilst as a precaution against infection he sat by an open window. The interview was to promote his new book, The Quantity Theory of Morality, which he wrote in six weeks (“and it’s as tight as a trap”). He seems to have overcome his infection worries, for this morning he larged it on the Kuenssberg Show, cheek by jowl with Joss Simons, Laura and Jo Coburn, and within waving distance of Kemi, and he may have mentioned the book and the blood cancer. And the Russians. 
There was a time when mr ishmael would mention, almost en passant, Will Self in these columns. Here's  mr ishmael, at his most coruscatingly contemptuous.

"Nothing, neither the work of God or man, is safe from New Labour, all is now the servant of government, the land as well as the people; whence came such tyranny?
The entire apparatus of Power, as never before, skews all before it, towards its own interests. A handful of malevolent freaks owns the national press; the national broadcaster run by effete totalitarianistes nouvelle, fronted by Establishment gabshites, ensures that political coverage stops far short of reporting - much less interviewing - Difference, broadcasters and Westminster politicians all joined in a gross daisy chain, each up the other’s arse, like some devilish, de Sadeian tableau from 120 Days of Sodom, de-coupling occasionally, to shit in our faces.
The hereditary Dimblebys, arguably the most influential current affairs broadcasters - by dint of their father’s connections - studiously leaping on any voice of dissent which has not been, in advance, excluded from their dreary pretend shows and strangling it, maintaining, at all costs, a status quo of filthy, smirking, Hoonish rottenness. On next week’s Question Time the panel will consist of War, Plague, Famine and the broadcaster and writer Will Self. Clap when you are told to by the floor manager. Or else.
We now have a twice-disgraced Gilbert and Sullivanesque baron, a First Secretary of Everything, a freaky blackmailer, a man brilliant enough to run Trade and Industry like none before – Oh, Peter is so wonderful - yet too fey to understand his mortgage application form, scolding and tut-tutting us for our impertinence in questioning him; his shabby, snot-eating, putative master skulking in dark places, shredding his nails, grinding his teeth in misery, yet unembarrassed that his former tormentor now keeps him in place and keeps him in line;
Mandelson and Brown in happier days. Not gone. And not forgotten.
this, the United Kingdom, is gay Ruritania, closet pansies bitching at one another over the national corpse; gay wives, gay husbands, a cottaging elite, gay admirals and field marshals posturing and twittering, this way and that, at the prime minister’s bidding; select committees flirting outrageously with this ghastly man, Mandelson, as though parliament was Danny le Rue’s nightclub, whilst chiding us that we should do better by them, tighten our belts, that they might slacken theirs. 
............................................................
Ah, the politicians and commentators of yesteryear. Where are they now, I wonder?  Wonder no longer, mrs ishmael. They are still here.

There are four splendid anthologies of the writings of stanislav and mr ishmael, compiled by his friend, mr verge, the house filthster. You can buy them from Amazon or Lulu. Here's how:
Honest Not Invent, Vent Stack, Ishmael’s Blues, and the latest, Flush Test (with a nice picture of the late, much lamented, Mr Harris of Lanarkshire taking a piss on a totem pole) are available from Lulu and Amazon. If you buy from Amazon, it would be nice if you could give a review on their website.
IIshmaelites wishing to buy a copy from lulu should follow these steps 
please register an account first, at lulu.com. This is advisable because otherwise paypal seems to think it's ok to charge in dollars, and they then apply their own conversion rate, which might put the price up slightly for a UK buyer. Once the new account is set up, follow one of the links below (to either paperback or hardback) or type "Ishmael’s Blues" into the Lulu Bookstore search box. Click on the “show explicit content” tab, give the age verification box a date of birth such as 1 January 1960, and proceed.
Link for Hardcover : https://tinyurl.com/je7nddfr
Link for Paperback : https://tinyurl.com/3jurrzux
https://www.lulu.com/shop/ishmael-smith/flush-test/paperback/product-9yjvn7.html?q=Flush+Test&page=1&pageSize=4

At checkout, try WELCOME15 in the coupon box, which (for the moment) takes 15% off the price before postage. If this code has expired by the time you reach this point, try a google search for "Lulu.com voucher code" and see what comes up.
With the 15% voucher, PB (including delivery to a UK address) should be £16.84; HB £27.04.