Sunday 28 March 2021

The Sunday Ishmael 28/03/2021

And aren't I a clever fat fuck?  

Salmond Launches Alibaba Party. 

Where are the Forty Thieves?

That'll be the Conservatives. And they only have 31.  I have 2. So far. Three days in and I have 2. Without an election.

So what are the policies of the Alibi Party?

Elect me as First Minister. Or Eminence Grise. At a push, I'll settle for God Emperor of the known Universe.

What's your response to this new party, First Minister?
This is not the time to be challenging my position as First Minister. Honestly, what I've put up with from that man, no tongue could tell. Wisely foreseeing the possibility of needing to extend my support base, in June 2015, just a year after getting the top job, I had the voting age lowered to 16 in Scotland.

I'm going to give every school child in Scotland a laptop or tablet. With internet connectivity. That will get their votes. They don't do thinking, young people. Should I throw in a PlayStation?

What are they doing Now? Come to that, What were they Up to Then?

The Bullying Club. Spot the Toff.

David Cameron, educated at Eton College, (annual fees £42,501) and Brasenose College, Oxford, was Conservative Prime Minister between 2010 and 2016. His estimated net worth is $50 million. He is currently hitting the front pages due to his activity in support of The National Citizen Service, of which he is chair of patrons. The NCS was set up to run summer programmes for 16- and 17-year-olds to help them become better citizens. It has received £1.3bn in taxpayers’ money since 2011. Its executives take six-figure salaries, and one former board member criticised the programme as little more than “a holiday camp for mostly middle-class kids”.  Cameron has  allegedly been contacting the chancellor, Rishi Sunak, in order to access the government’s Covid loans scheme on behalf of  Greensill Capital, a finance firm that has paid him as an adviser. NCS has achieved spectacularly high government funding, despite not achieving its stated outcomes - it received £97.5m of the government’s £113.5m for youth services in the 2021 spending review, raising questions about Cameron’s continued influence in the Department for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport (DCMS), which is responsible for NCS and the youth budget.
Jo Stevens, the shadow DCMS secretary, said: “There are serious questions for both David Cameron and the government to answer. The former prime minister seems to be under the impression he is still in office. Any abuse of his access to ministers and influence over them makes a mockery of promises of transparency around lobbying. Labour has already asked the cabinet secretary, Simon Case, to investigate serious concerns over the former Tory prime minister's lobbying over Greensill."
 In November 2015, following Cameron's declaration that it was "more likely than not" that a bomb brought down a Metrojet flight packed with Russian tourists and his  grounding of all British flights to and from Sinai because of "intelligence and information" indicating that a bomb was the likely culprit in the crash that killed all 224 people onboard, stranding thousands of British tourists at the Red Sea resort of Sharm el-Sheikhmr ishmael interviews the Prime Minister:

But it's back now to the prime minister, who is making a statement on the matter of the downed Russian airliner, or bombed, depending on which cheap, hustling arsehole you believe.

Well, quite frankly, all I have to say to Mr Putin, is that as a student of history I know that we beat Russia in 1917 and again in 1944, in short, we beat them in two world wars and we can beat them again.  England is a small country, 
Prime Minister, with the English Jack

that is true, and we'll be even smaller by the time of the next election but though we are a small country we will continue to box above my mouth.  One thing we English cannot stand is a man who makes war on his own people - Mr Ian Duncan Smith excepted, of course, and Mrs May and Mr Gove and Mr Osborne - and we find his shooting down of his own aircraft completely unacceptable.  What, how do I know he planted the bomb?  

Well, I don't actually know, not in the sense of facts or evidence but it is a fairly safe bet.  I mean, a man who will murder someone on the streets of London is not to be trusted, unless, of course he is a member of the Metropolitan Police, in which case he or she is to be promoted. 
 But no, I've been in this job  for a while, now, and you get a nose for these things and my money is on the KGB planting the bomb on the Russian 'plane,

 if there was a bomb, which there must have been because planes just don't fall out of the sky unless there's a bomb....What, the British planes, falling out of the sky recently, at two British air shows? Those planes? Well, that's exactly what I mean, I should think that the enquiries, if they ever report, will report that the KGB could have planted bombs on these tragic old banger planes,  could have drugged their loony pilots  and that in these days of global terrorism
Could have, mark my words, means certainly did.

Well, you may mock but it worked for Ali Dipso Campbell and Tony the Whore Blair. Saddam Hussein could have had Weapons of Mass wotsaname, so, clearly, he certainly did.  See? It is beyond a shadow of a doubt that Mr Putin bombed his own plane and is not to be trusted in Syria which we must immediately bomb the arse out of. QED, which, if I remember correctly, translates as Thus Spake Zarathustra. Or in this case,Thus Spake Dave, has lots of meanings, does Latin, which only fine minds such as my own can disown, is it disown? Dispute?  Disrupt?  Only fine minds such as my own can disrupt? What? Discern? You sure it's discern?  What the Sweet Fucking Jesus does discern mean? Not a word much used in my circle. Never hear Becky Brooks or Jerry Clarkson talking about discernishment, over cocktails in the Chipping Sodom Arms.  What, buy a fucking stick, to watch Jerry and his cringing oppos on Amulet TeeVee,  is it Amulet?  The ones who don't pay any tax, anyway.  Well, OK, none of them pay any tax.  But what would you prefer, closing-down the health service and the police and the parks and libraries and public toilets, or making very successful companies  pay any tax whatsoever on their earnings? But Jerry, anyway, doing that same dreadful old pantomime,  smashing things up and looning about, like Grandad at a disco,  over and over and over again, like the fucking Crazy Gang?  I shouldn't think too many people'd do that. 'S one thing watching it on the PBC and the Dave Channel - hope that's nothing to do with me, by the way - quite another to actually make a conscious decision to  spend your own money, just to watch those pathetic old dames fucking about for an hour, brown-nosing fuckwit celebrities, stuttering through some poorly scripted supposedly impromptu conversation in some fucking pretend jungle somewhere. Christ,  you can watch I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out From Here Fucking Sharpish for free, if that's what you want, although I'm fucked if I know why anyone would willingly watch Clarkson or Dant and fucking Eck. And doesn't he look, advertising himself, like a pathetic old whore, walking the streets for customers, offering discounts and freebies.

No, you can do me without a johnny, if it'll help. Just as long as you do me.

But no, what we want is for Mr Putin to stop playing the sympathy card,  admit that he killed his own people, take his military aircraft out of  wherever it is, Syria, isn't it,  and kindly permit me to have my war, all my predecessors have had one. 


And now I want one.  Christ, Tony'n'Imelda made a fucking fortune out of their time in Downing Street. Time I had some.

Well, that was the prime minister there, revealing how the Russian premier had ordered the bombing of his own aircraft, killing everyone aboard and stranding many idiotBrits in the desert. Some of whom,  as well as being separated in the womb  from their minds now can't get hold of their fucking   luggage, which is probably just a load of old rubbish anyway, stuff from, where is it, Primart? And cheap sunlotion from the UKIP Shop, Poundland.  Fuck me, get a load of this loony, she's so shitmad crazy she can't even string three words together.  If I was in the Foreign Office I wouldn't let her back in, look you, isn't it.

Yeah? An' my daughta, she go' her GC-ESSEES nex' week. I'n't no way that's gonnerappen now, is it?  I mean, I dun mind or nuffin like that. Only nobody is like communica'in' wiv us, like. Abaht our luggage. Worr is that David Camaroon doin' abaht it all?
A regular contributor to these pages - albeit in the form of his avatar, Jon Sox, has announced that he is now a young father. 73 year old Sox and his  46 year old wife,  welcomed their baby boy on March 2nd, 2021, via surrogacy. Jon's statement reads "In our desire to seal our now 11 years of marriage with a baby, my wife suffered numerous medical setbacks and miscarriages. Consequently, we will always be deeply grateful to our surrogate, who carried our embryo to term.  Amid these challenging times, we feel doubly blessed to be able to celebrate our good fortune."
Geriatric parenthood - the new normal
Who says we just do snark and bile? This here's a heart warming moment - say Aaargh - sorry, ahhh

 Here's Jon Sox, before he was a proud young father, interviewing Kylie Crowface in 2016:

 Did you know Jon, that it was Scotchmen, invented the Ku Klux Klan?  No, really, it was.  
After the First Civil War a bunch of disgruntled  Aberdonian-immigrant slave owners set up the KKK, in order to frustrate reform and terrorise nigger trash,  deprive them of the vote, yes, just like now, only they initially called it the KKC, KuKlux being a greek phrase meaning circle  and the C standing for the Scottish clan - a circle of family, geddit? - and the fiery cross which they used to intimidate negroes originated in the Scottish  cran tarra, a burning cross signifying a declaration of war, back in the Old Country.  
No, no, Jon, I wouldn't mention it to First Minister Gnasher, next time she's on the show;  mad enough, isn't she;  I know she's a woman, Jon, and therefore automatically suited for, well, whatever she wants to do, really, but there's just no sense in fuelling her illness by calling her

the Imperial Grand Wizardess of the Scoattish people.
Is there, Jon? That would just be pure nutterophobia, wouldn't it


The SNK.

Klansmen de nos jours.
Well, what else would you call them?
Zombie flag-waving white supremacist  mongreltrash?

Well, Kylie, as everyone knows I've actually won many prizes for being phobia-phobic, 

so you'll get no argument from me but don't you worry your pretty little head,  only her own klansmen take Gnasher seriously, don't they, so we don't concern ourselves about her rantings and ravings.
Especially not, going forward,  after the Great European Rejection Tour.

La porte, Madame Gnasher, pour returnez-vous a l'Ecosse avec les mains empty, c'est ici. 
Au revoir, ma petit chien fou,
et ne hastez-vous pas back.


Just in case the exciting political events of the last week and their deep, deep roots have given you a bit of a headache, here's something to revive your faith in  the human species.


 mr ishmael's essays today are:
From Russia with Love(an Extract)                             drafted November, 2015
Jon Sox and Kylie Crowface  
(Extract from All the News that's fit to Make Up)                                                                                                                                                                 published 20/11/2016

Honest Not Invent, an anthology of essays by stanislav and mr ishmael is available from Lulu, Amazon, Blackwells and the Book Depository.
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please register an account with Lulu first.  This will save you a couple of quid, as going straight into the links provided below seems to make paypal think it's ok to charge in dollars, and apply their own conversion rate, which will put the price up slightly for a UK buyer.  Once the new account is set up, follow one of the links (to either paperback or hardback) or type "Honest, Not Invent" into the Lulu Bookstore search box.  If you follow a link, a pop-up box asks for age confirmation - simply set the date to (say) 1 January 1960, and proceed.  If you type the title, the anthology will not appear as a search result until the "show explicit content" box (found at the bottom left by scrolling down) has been checked.  You may also see the age verification box, as above, at this point.
Honest, Not Invent is available in paperback or hardback.
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There may be a 15% discount try the voucher code = LKAB317CD in the coupon box, which takes 15% off the price before postage.  If this code has expired by the time you reach this point, try a google search for " voucher code" and see what comes up.