Tory Totty, Myra Hindley, introduces
Billy Hague, an after-dinner entertainer
and part-time MP.
I wanna tell you a story. Under David Cameron's leadership we are now ready to form ay govament, in ay very real sense, ay Cun-serv-ative govament; mind you, that's what we said when I was Leader. Only a minute left to save the pound, my baseball cap, all those sweaty work-outs with my esteemed colleague and fuckbuddy, Lord Coe, those were the days, in ay very real sense. But no, this time we shall do it. And when we do do it there will be a five-plank approach to foreign policy. The first is ay National Security Council reflecting all that is best in this age of oppression and austerity.
The second thing is that we shall concentrate on the wogs, killing each other in their millions,
(Cheers, Hurrah for Billy! One of the youngest boys never to be prime minister! Send them all back!)
And our special relationship. with India. And China. And Brazil. And Latin America. And the Commonwealth. And President Obamalama, even though, conference, we, all of us Cun-serve-atives, would have preferred ay presidency of Senator Codger McCain but alas, alas conference, our cousins opted for the coon and we must respect their choice and work with whom we must.
There are other planks to my foreign policy but there is no need for me to rehearse them here, conference, as they are all just bits of wog-bashing, guaranteed to raise ay cheer for the tv cameras. But as ay measure, conference, of my commitment to our party I have promised to give up my full-time job as an entertainer and concentrate full-time on my ministerial duties, should they come along and I have assured our current leader, David Cameron, that as soon as he offers me the Foreign Office I will give upo the day job, or in this case, the night job. Drone drone drone, cliche, platitude, what a fucking tedious gabshite this man is, who on Earth would pay money to hear this tosh?
Anyway, conference, I now leave you in the very capable claws of our security spokesthing, Dame Pauline Neville-Corpse, let's give ay true Tory welcome to Pauline, the Thief of Yugoslavia.
(Cheers! Get yer bones out fer the lads! Shake, rattle and roll!)
Thank you, young William and thank you, living members of this great party of ours and I bring you greetings from beyond the veil. But first, can we have a round of applause for my team colleagues, Pestilence, War, Famine and Death. You know conference, when I was helping my fellow corpse, Slobodan Milosovic, to extort millions from his country for Douglas Hurd and myself, little did I think that one day I would be not stood here, in charge of security in the Tory AfterLife.
There are five main planks to my spooks policy but they are so secret I can't tell you about them.
And now I hand you over to the next secretary of defence, Dr Liam Fox
Than you conference. And can we just have a round of applause for the men and women of our armed forces fighting under Bob The Cunt Ainsworth without the proper kit and they should never be put in harm's way and break the covenenant and never would be under a Tory govament of which I was the Defence Secretary and not have to sell matches on street corners, lah-de-dah and fol-de-rol, Genreal Dannant a feather in my cap and no mistake and I shall just stand here nodding beningly but with determination and soaking up the applause just as though it was meant for me, which it was and not for Tommy, if he wants to go and get his arse blown-off so's Alan Duncan can have free gardening paid for by the poor, that's his look-out. And that's it, my fellow Tories, that's the five planks of our defence. Beat the poor, starve the poor, cut the benefits to the poor, send the poor to die in shit wars and make them work until they drop, leaving more money for our pensions and less for theirs and preserving for ever the great British way of life which means that Alan Duncan gets others to die that he might have free gardening services.
And now I give you, and lets have a round of applause, the Leader of the Conservative Party, Mr Paul O'Bono
(The nauseating display of narcissism, cod patriotism and phoney concern for the troops which he wouldn't touch with a bargepole and which is David Cameron's speech is probably showing on all channels, Mr Swiss Bob'll have it, for those with a strong stomach.)
9 comments:
The Bono thing caused instant nausea on live-chat. Like the Spanish Inquisition, none of us watching it were expecting that. Tory High Command may have thought that the old duffer was a sign of their new coolness, which just shows how wrong you can be.
Nick Robinson then said the only useful thing I can recall him explaining in all his years. Celebrities have an extra bone in their inner ear which makes them able to detect where power is flowing to and ebbing from, like iron filings lining up along lines of magnetism.
Bono should therefore not be interpreted as having endorsed any party at any time. Rather, he's responding to primitive programming deep in his cells which enable him to find the next political photo-op no matter who it means standing next to.
Yes, and this will serve well as comment on it.
As for Cameron, if anyone thinks I'm uploading an hour of that bollocks they're very much mistaken, though I could be persuaded if someone bunged me a monkey via Paypal.
Mr Paul O'Bono" The saviour of the world's poverty stricken masses he has relocated to the Netherlands for tax purposes, First class twat along with the rest of the fuckers who live in the parallel universe of too much money who tell us how to live our lives.
'all those sweaty work-outs with my esteemed colleague and fuckbuddy, Lord Coe, those were the days, in ay very real sense'
Ha! Genius. So you've heard that rumour as well.....
Dunno whether I heard it or started it, now, mr Lithuania. Whichever it is, I am convinced it is true, that's the main thing.
I think it's something I grew from Hague's fanciful account of drinking twenty pints with real men, the gobby little shit.
national security council? forgive me, but this does not strike me as a new policy - surely everyone knows that the conservatives have been controlling the armed forces (plus mi5 plus mi6) for years. the whole operation is run from an unassuming little office in back hill, clerkenwell - cunningly disguised as a non-profit-making advertising firm which goes under the name of message space. there are unconfirmed rumours of a secret tube-tunnel which connects the 'message space' bureau with a spooky neo-renaissance country house in buckinghamshire built by the rothschilds - but which one, nobody knows...although it is believed that the mansion has previously been inhabited by batman, a mystic cult and has been favoured as a secret venue for notoriously wild orgies held by the bullingdon club (a local boy scout troop).
17:11
agreed, sir. we're entering the era of welly politics, delivered by a wally.
The second thing is that we shall concentrate on the wogs, killing each other in their millions, trying to stop them using our aid money to boil each other up in pots for dinner.
if it weren't for obama's protectionist trade policies we could afford to eat a few of you bastards too.
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