Saturday, 10 October 2009

BEARDED LOON DOESN'T SPARK CONTROVERSY

ARCHBISHOP BEARD OF CANTERBURY AND MIDDLE EARTH

Dr Williams barely put his head above the parapet yesterday at a service of solemn sweeping under the carpets. This war was nobody's fault, said the Hurdy Gurdy Man, we are all sinners and Tony and Imelda are no more sinners than the rest of us

"...the Lord's my shepherd, I shall not want, for houses or money or bling...."

even though they are but I dare not say so. Best leave all that shit to the historians and the military experts and certainly not to the people, what the fuck do they know, all those people saying this shit is wrong or that shit is wrong should remember that the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, apart from in my case when it's the committee advising the prime minister and GodEmperor on my appointment. Let's just have a round of applause for all those magnificent professional men and women of the armed forces doing a magnificent and professional job of work out there, unlike me, here, squabbling with the gaylibbers, the dyke vicars and the Hottentot fundamentalists, out there in bongo-bongoland.

No, verily I say unto you that in my Father's house there are many mansions and if you want to retire to one you better not rock the boat. Remember the parable of the favourite son who sold out his country, his country's troops and his country's reputation in order that they might have even their arses shot-off and he might reap huge rewards, or verily, as we might say, bribes stuffed in his pocket and lo, was punished by being made Emperor of Europe in an one-horse race and did henceforth reign, smirking, over us ? remember that cunt?

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Earlier, the British ambassador to Iraq, Christopher Prentice, said millions of Iraqis now had "their destiny in their own hands again" and could look forward to "realising the potential of their country". Those of them who still have hands, that is.


Or legs.

Archbishop Rowan said that we should now all say a prayer for the Generals, many of whom were in the congregation and most of whom were, like the Church of England, members of the Conservative Party. May God watch over their comings-in and their goings-out of the House of Lords.


General Lord Sir Richard "Dick" Dannant of Conservatice HQ
and Kabul.
General Lord Sir Michael Mike "Mick" Spear & Jackson, Black Stocking Brown-Nose Pursuivant..

Amen, the mess is over, make unto each other the sign of Ruin
and go in peace, or war, whatever.

And remember, our boys and lassies and whatever are serving out there for our way of life, so that Alan Duncan can have free gardening services. That's worth dying for. Only not him, of course, or me.

.


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22 comments:

PT Barnum said...

The father of one of the blown-up-in-armoured-vehicles soldiers*, on seeing Tony Blair at the service, approached the Unholy One, ignored the proferred hand and informed the erstwhile PM that he could not stay at the service while the proxy killer of his son was in attendance. He left. Mr Blair was apparently so shocked a newspaper hack asked the father what he had said to Blair.

*In this case the armouring had been so ill-fitted the driver was unable to see where he was going.

call me ishmael said...

I didn't know that, Mr PTB,is there a link?

Dick the Prick said...

Mr Ish - Old Holborn's got it. I was flabbered in my ghast that on his ascent into the Church he had the temerity to chat with the soldiers like Brenda does - they must have been specially chosen dumbarses to avoid the temptation of twatting him around the skull as he ain't their gaffer no more. Ah, I guess they're all well trained but that was above and beyond.

Anywho - not being too familiar with eBay, I was wondering if you knew anyone whom I could flog a Nobel prize to, got one going cheap, could do a deal on 10 for the right price.

call me ishmael said...

Thanks Mr DTP, I guess there's a good deal of vetting goes on before anyone gets near any of them,never mind people who might have a very real, personal reason for offing them, they must have slipped up this time. I'm surprised, actually, that they let anyone in to this nonsense, apart from themselves and their chums in skymadeupnewsandfilth.

If ever there was an opportunity for an Archbishop to let rip.... still, if he was the letting-rip kind he wouldn't have got the gig.

Dick the Prick said...

Dr Sentanu would have - he's my Archy even tho Catholic by mum. York Minster is favourite building. Church will probably be on increase with old coffin dodgers & dago imports. Seem to have staff problems tho - is it necessary to get into theory about being batty? I do have a soft spot for the Welsh Dragon - he does his own thing at a medium level, doesn't really go for upstaging. Carey was a tosser - completely overstepped the mark. Rowan seems to just kind of care in a lefty, erudite, learned and beardy way. When we get Santanu I'll dance to London (probably on the train tho!)

PT Barnum said...

I only read OH when feeling really misanthropic, as opposed to merely filled with general loathing.

The father's actions made the news on Radio 5 and he was interviewed late in the evening. He could not understand why Blair was there at all and apparently had not been aware he would be there. A late invitation to el Presidente, perhaps?

Meanwhile, in a parallel universe, radio coverage of the service expressed surprise at the extent to which the Big Bishop laid into the government. All a matter of perspective, it seems.

Edgar said...

Sentamu is a cunt. I have no intention of explaining why I say that, but it is born of experience of the man and his dreadful hypocrisy.

richard said...

"If ever there was an opportunity for an Archbishop to let rip...."
imagine if he'd ordered Blair out of the building. if it wasn't for Blair the remembrance service would never have been.

Dick the Prick said...

@Edgar - pop you down as a maybe then?

The Dyer's Garden said...

Could you tell us something about a man you admire, Mr Smith, not musically but intellectually? And preferably someone whose talent is so obvious no one else can see it (so we don't get a load of boring 3rd order harmonics in the comments).

Which reminds me, do you remember writing, in the (early) days of Guido, a richly violent assassination of a nice guy who could not but chime in on every post, with some obviosity or other?

st tony the baptist said...

ok, i really don't know what all this fuss is about. having seen the sermon in the runes, archhippy williams clearly understands that it was the devil who told me to do it - and now he's giving me some spiky spiritual guidance and best-beard-practice tips for broadmoor. i must confess that i feel warmly reassured by the rowan's manly protective arms and greatly appreciate the considerable personal sacrifices which he has been obliged to make in order to tend to my own moral salvation whilst still being engaged in a heavy schedule of beard-stroking around at no.10.

call me ishmael said...

" Could you tell us something about a man you admire, Mr Smith, not musically but intellectually?"

I often have, his name is Everyman, his the short and simple annals of the poor, generally despised by you in favour of your boy-fucking Greeks, my contempt for whom you decry as philistine Marxist-Leninism; it should be clear, Mr TDG, from the amount of time devoted to your criticism, that I admire you hugely.

I think with regard to the Guido postings that you must have me confused with another; many chime-in with the obvious and such would not annoy me, I did attempt, at Guido, to promote the courtesy amid disagreement which customarily here obtains and I do not imagine that I would have harried someone merely for their regularity of comment.

When the apparently good egg, Mr DTP, like Williams, a stringy like myself, disappoints, it always seems worse, more of a betrayal that when an arse like Carey acts true to form.

As for out home-grown Tutu, I am with others here in despising him and hove vowed never to wear underpants again until he is defrocked.

call me ishmael said...

....THAN when an arse like Carey....

The Typo and apostrophe Jihadists are out at Mr Swis Bob's.

The Dyer's Garden said...

Ah yes, here it is. Worth introducing to a new audience.


Dear Mr Rabbie rotten

Is there anything in eternity, in the infinity of space and time which you feel would not be illuminated, amplified, clarified, altogether improved, embellished, glorified by you commenting upon it, from out of your arsehole?

Is there no occasion or event or circumstance about which you are not compelled to comment at insufferable length? Might there ever be something happen in this world without it attracting your observations ?

If someone was to write OH NO, NOT THAT CUNT AGAIN in letters as big as the Milky Way it would be a poor illustration of the effect you have on sensible people. You are as funny as rectal cancer. You have the insight of a cement mixer, although entirely lacking its utility. You know nothing of any value. You and elegance are estranged. There is better reading on a bus ticket. Nothing you say is witty, informative, provocative, original or scurrilous; nothing you write is worth reading, You are clumsy, cackhanded, plagiaristic, trivial, meaningless, insincere; unredeemed garbage. Even pored-over, analysed, the odd nugget is seen to be stolen from other postings, shabby, second-hand, grubby; you cannot even recycle with any distinction.

You are a one-man walking Daily Mail. You make Iain Dale look like a revolutionary. You are the dullest, most boring, predictable, tedious, mind-numbing gabshite on the planet. Aside from that bloke with his double rrs, and he, narcolepsy in the flesh, doesn't even merit correction. Contrasted with reading your musings, watching the grass grow is scintillating, dazzling and provocative. You are as stupid as it is possible to be and still be sentient; nay, that is a misjudgment, lumps of rock are smarter than you, a bag of sand has a better sense of humour. Living with you, even a garden gnome would hurl himself in front of a train, rather than endure one more moment of your endless, infantile commentary. You are an unspeakable cunt. Why don't you just either shut the fuck up or seek psychiatric assistance for your delusion, the one that makes you think the world cannot survive without you being its continuity announcer. Nobody on earth, not even your mother, if you have one, gives a fuck about what you think about anything. Most people would rather gouge their eyes out than read your drivel. You are an almost unassailable argument for shutting down the Internet; single-handedly you undermine the case for freedom of speech.

The Saviour himself, encountering you on the mountain, would say Fuck me, not this cunt again, does he ever, ever, ever even for a fucking second, shut the fuck up and just be? Or does he think that he spellbinds his betters, enchants his peers and renders reality herself incomplete without his tuppence worth. This is one cunt and a half, lads.

Do you really imagine that you are so perspicacious, so wise, so seasoned that your turds of wisdom, your barrel scrapings of warmed-up Daily Mail leaders, your worthless sweepings-up are indispensable to the world? Do you think people tune in to Radio Four in the morning and exclaim: I can’t wait to hear what Robbie Rotton thinks about copper smelting in Zambia ; gosh I hope he posts quickly?

It may be argued in your favour, although I wouldn't, that crass as you are, your heart is in roughly the right place; you head, however, remains, inextricably, cemented up your arse.

You are unpardonably stupid so, here, for Mr Rotten, your very own, easy to understand parable:

"Omar went to the Master. He said, Master, I have been painting for years and remain unhappy with my work, can you help? Go, said the Master, and do your finest work and bring it to me. Five years later Omar returned with a painting he had slaved over and handed it to the Master, who threw it straight on the fire."

Look at your posts for something not already better said; its not there. Is this the point of you ? Cover versions?

If you would speak, first learn silence. Learn some Zen, Shithead. Learn some plumbing.

st tone the baptist said...

02:52

ps:

luckily the silly old bugger still hasn't noticed the war i started in afghanistan - i'd better just keep my fingers crossed. shhhhh...

call me ishmael said...

Ah, gentle ribbing, Mr TDG; as I recall he was infuriating but turned out to be quite a nice chap eventually and took it in good part, re-inventing himself in more modest tones.

I can't recall what it was that was so vexing about his style but I think he agreed that it could be irksome, claiming, I think, to be some sort of agent provocateur, some strange folk at order-order in those days.

spark up said...

18:49

having put my ear to the google search engine, my understanding of mr robbierotten's position can be summarized as follows: guido is now so immensely successful that mr rotten considers that his expert assistance is no longer required. however, this information may well be inaccurate - as google searches of guido comments are historically challenged.

The Dyer's Garden said...

Poor Robbie (with his little public school mugshot) will be remembered only for his assassination. But what a wonderful way to go.

Some here may be as deserving, hence the reproducing of it, but there is another point - were ever greater powers wasted on a more trivial task? Do at least reassure us that you are writing something for a less dispersible medium, even if we should only know it by accident if you ever did.

call me ishmael said...

No reassurance here, I'm afraid - that you and others like it, Mr DTP, immediate and disposable as it is, well, that should be enough for anyone, shouldn't it?

I do believe that some archive stanislav, what greater compliment could there be....Money?

Ozymandias is my guide, let him be yours.

call me ishmael said...

That Guido is now famous, mr spark-up, is undeniable; successful is a term less precise.

naturally occurring nugget of zambian copper said...

21:26

Do you think people tune in to Radio Four in the morning and exclaim: I can’t wait to hear what Robbie Rotton thinks about copper smelting in Zambia ; gosh I hope he posts quickly?

i do, actually.

Anonymous said...

Reading these kind of posts reminds me of just how technology truly is undeniably integral to our lives in this day and age, and I can say with 99% certainty that we have passed the point of no return in our relationship with technology.


I don't mean this in a bad way, of course! Ethical concerns aside... I just hope that as memory becomes less expensive, the possibility of downloading our brains onto a digital medium becomes a true reality. It's a fantasy that I dream about every once in a while.


(Posted on Nintendo DS running [url=http://quizilla.teennick.com/stories/16129580/does-the-r4-or-r4i-work-with-the-new-ds]R4 SDHC[/url] DS ccPost)