Tory Totty, Myra Hindley, introduces
Billy Hague, an after-dinner entertainer
and part-time MP.
I wanna tell you a story. Under David Cameron's leadership we are now ready to form ay govament, in ay very real sense, ay Cun-serv-ative govament; mind you, that's what we said when I was Leader. Only a minute left to save the pound, my baseball cap, all those sweaty work-outs with my esteemed colleague and fuckbuddy, Lord Coe, those were the days, in ay very real sense. But no, this time we shall do it. And when we do do it there will be a five-plank approach to foreign policy. The first is ay National Security Council reflecting all that is best in this age of oppression and austerity.
The second thing is that we shall concentrate on the wogs, killing each other in their millions,
(Cheers, Hurrah for Billy! One of the youngest boys never to be prime minister! Send them all back!)
And our special relationship. with India. And China. And Brazil. And Latin America. And the Commonwealth. And President Obamalama, even though, conference, we, all of us Cun-serve-atives, would have preferred ay presidency of Senator Codger McCain but alas, alas conference, our cousins opted for the coon and we must respect their choice and work with whom we must.
There are other planks to my foreign policy but there is no need for me to rehearse them here, conference, as they are all just bits of wog-bashing, guaranteed to raise ay cheer for the tv cameras. But as ay measure, conference, of my commitment to our party I have promised to give up my full-time job as an entertainer and concentrate full-time on my ministerial duties, should they come along and I have assured our current leader, David Cameron, that as soon as he offers me the Foreign Office I will give upo the day job, or in this case, the night job. Drone drone drone, cliche, platitude, what a fucking tedious gabshite this man is, who on Earth would pay money to hear this tosh?
Anyway, conference, I now leave you in the very capable claws of our security spokesthing, Dame Pauline Neville-Corpse, let's give ay true Tory welcome to Pauline, the Thief of Yugoslavia.
(Cheers! Get yer bones out fer the lads! Shake, rattle and roll!)
Thank you, young William and thank you, living members of this great party of ours and I bring you greetings from beyond the veil. But first, can we have a round of applause for my team colleagues, Pestilence, War, Famine and Death. You know conference, when I was helping my fellow corpse, Slobodan Milosovic, to extort millions from his country for Douglas Hurd and myself, little did I think that one day I would be not stood here, in charge of security in the Tory AfterLife.
And now I hand you over to the next secretary of defence, Dr Liam Fox
Than you conference. And can we just have a round of applause for the men and women of our armed forces fighting under Bob The Cunt Ainsworth without the proper kit and they should never be put in harm's way and break the covenenant and never would be under a Tory govament of which I was the Defence Secretary and not have to sell matches on street corners, lah-de-dah and fol-de-rol, Genreal Dannant a feather in my cap and no mistake and I shall just stand here nodding beningly but with determination and soaking up the applause just as though it was meant for me, which it was and not for Tommy, if he wants to go and get his arse blown-off so's Alan Duncan can have free gardening paid for by the poor, that's his look-out. And that's it, my fellow Tories, that's the five planks of our defence. Beat the poor, starve the poor, cut the benefits to the poor, send the poor to die in shit wars and make them work until they drop, leaving more money for our pensions and less for theirs and preserving for ever the great British way of life which means that Alan Duncan gets others to die that he might have free gardening services.
And now I give you, and lets have a round of applause, the Leader of the Conservative Party, Mr Paul O'Bono
(The nauseating display of narcissism, cod patriotism and phoney concern for the troops which he wouldn't touch with a bargepole and which is David Cameron's speech is probably showing on all channels, Mr Swiss Bob'll have it, for those with a strong stomach.)