BREAKFAST AT THE HELLMOUTH

AND SHE SCWEAMED AND SCWEAMED AND SCWEAMED.

Violet Elisabeth Bott, Mrs Austin Mitchell, MP,
aka Linda McDougal, media harpy.

On today's Today programme, Miss Violet Elisabeth Bott was angry. People were being jolly unkind about her husband, journalist, photographer, writer and part-time MP, Mr Austin Geordie.

Austin at one of his day jobs.

Anyone who knew Austin Geordie, shrieked his wife, at great length, would know he was a pretty, straight guy, who would never do anything wrong. Just ask me, and I'll tell you. Like all MPs he was a decent man in a crumpled suit wanting only to get drunk in green leather luxury at the taxpayers' expense and keep up his many other jobs and what was wrong with that, did we want a load of stick-in-the-mud former TV producer Geordies representing us in the house of commons, or did we want perennially mired in expenses scandals useless bastards whose sole claim to fame was changing their name to Haddock former Geordie TV producer Austin representing us. Well, did we, she scweamed and scweamed and scweamed?

Linda McDougal continued in this vein for several thousand years this morning, obviously at home with the Terror Broadcasters of Today, the scourge, normally, it is claimed, of gobby politicos.

And another thing, she scweamed, do you want MPs living in one-bed hostels or flats with some snooper from the house of commons checking they are sleeping alone, or what? That would be, Linda, baby, rather like NewLabour treats others claiming state benefits, so that would never do.

We must, despite the evidence of our senses, accept this ghastly banshee's assurances that most MPs are jolly decent people just interested in serving their constituents. McDougal and Geordie have insisted that blinds they purchased at my expense to tart up their London pad simply had to be gold plated with camel hair fittings or they would not impress their chums from mediaworld when they staggered-in for taxpayer cocktails. Would we want MPs -like Austin - being a laughing stock? Well, would we?

From the Telegraph. Brogan's Log, Stardate two zero zero nine

Other receipts included bottles of wine, flowers at £3.99, 16p on “lemons” and another 16p on aspirin. The MP’s wife, Linda McDougall, a television producer, suggested that it was she who had submitted the food receipts on her husband’s behalf.

“I read the rules and started claiming the money and I’ve made mistakes,” she said.

“Anyone who knows Austin Mitchell will know he is not a man who has ever gone into politics to make money.” (This is why he is always in expenses trouble, ed.) She was a “person of modest means” who had an overdraft. “How can I live in London 210 miles from the constituency if someone doesn’t provide us with somewhere to live? Like royalty.”

Mr Mitchell wrote on his website that he understood public anger over MPs’ expenses but politicians had to be able to do their job of fleecing the public.

“We need to pay them enough to ensure that not only the wealthy can afford to do the job and whatever the basic rate of pay they’ll still need allowances. Otherwise they'll be paying out of their own pockets, for things like drugs and booze and sex and food and transport and yes, gardening.”

He said it was no use putting MPs “in a student hostel or a prison hulk moored off Westminster”.

“Most MPs have wives and families and we hope to see both from time to time,” he said. Although we can hear them from a hundred miles away.