WHAT THE PAPERS SAY, THE FILTH-O-MAIL

Girl, 2, investigated by police for 'vandalism' after being accused of hitting car with stick.

A two-year-old girl accused of hitting a car with a stick was investigated by police on suspicion of vandalism.

Attempts by armed police to arrest a two-year old criminal failed yesterday when it was pointed out to investigating officers that she was below the age of criminal responsibility and therefore could not legally be shot in a split-second, protecting the public decision.

I am gutted, to'ally and u''erly, devastated, too, hopefully,said police marksman, Trevor Thick, if I'd a tragically shot the little terrorist bastard, protecting law-abiding citizens, only not from me an my mates, I coulda looked forward, hopefully, to a few months of counselling, the sympathy of Michael Winner, the Queen's Gallantry Medal and hopefully some swift promotion to ACC in the Met, hopefully.

The vehicle’s owner called the police claiming the child had deliberately damaged his car. Hitting it, she was, with a stick, said Mr Reginald Herpes, and it's no laughing matter; what we need is the BNP round here, that'd sort things out.

It has emerged that the toddler’s name and details are being held on file with Wiltshire Constabulary following the incident, in the hope that she can be framed for something in the future. Proactive action, that's the name of the game, Station Commander, Chief Superintendent Colin Slag said, it is very hard for my officers to do their job with one hand behind their backs and the other down each others trousers, whiling away the long night patrols as best they can.

Mockery of the law: A two-year-old girl (not this child pictured) was investigated by police on suspicion of vandalism after hitting a car with a stick. (Posed by model)

Officers say they were obliged to respond to the call-out, even though the toddler, who could barely walk, was too young to be arrested or even formally questioned about her actions., much less taken down the station and thrown down the stairs.

But innocence is no excuse, continued Chief Super Slag and we shall be watching the situation carefully. She has slipped up once and next time my officers will be ready to pounce.

Details of the child’s brush with the law last June emerged in a request to Wiltshire Police under the Freedom of Information Act.

Chief Constable and Worshipful Grand Master Ian Arundale, head of civilian-shooting at the Association of Gay Police Officers, AGPO, said, this is a serious problem and AGPO will be pressing incoming gay Tory ministers for the right to shoot children on sight. If we can't have them, after all, why should straight people?

Speaking for the blogosphere, Mr Guido Pizza said, Children, yes, run them over with tanks, only not mine of course, 'sthe only way to make the streets safe for drunken wankers, I mean bankers, the only people who matter, after myself. D'ya wanna see my share portfolio?