The Sunday Ishmael: 1/10/2023: It's still the Jamboree Conference Season: This time its the Tories

 

North-west Salford

Not for the Tories the skipping through the waves, sipping margaritas on the terraces of imposing Edwardian hotels, gazing into the sunset before fine dining, unlike the Liberal Democrats in Bournemouth last week. No, no, Rishi Sunak's lot are determined to take the "party" out of Party political conference, and grim it out in Salford to prove they are on the side of the working person, committed to levelling up and any Johnsonian frivolity is well and truly buried in the far, far distant past, which, as we know, is a foreign cuntry where they do things differently.

With a face like a squeezed lemon or do I mean a slapped arse? Or possibly a lemon squeezed into a slapped arse,

Laura resumed her duties this morning on the Sunday Morning Kuenssberg political analysis show with nary a word, let alone apology, for her absence last week. If she'd just said she couldn't face interviewing Ed Davy, everyone would have understood. She turned, with some relish, to her morning's task of shredding little Rishi, sitting neatly to attention in his expensive rent boy suit, suspendered, smoothly stretched fine black socks and Tory Blue tie, thus defiantly declaring his unpopular Party allegiance - but, you know, it was the only way to get to be Prime Minister and it was fun thrusting the long sharp knife into the Johnsonian squidgy mass.

The BBC bathed the set in Tory Blue lights and Laura was wearing her killer Blue stilettos - impossible to walk in but they toned with the lights and Rishi's tie.

He doesn't often give interviews and that's a wise decision. The man doesn't stop talking. Laura did her best, talking over him to shut him the fuck up, but he ploughed on, failing to answer questions and espousing his new anti-Green, pro-Drivers policy to help ordinary people to level up. Because not everyone can afford a new heat-pump and people don't want to drive at 20 miles an hour and pay Ultra Low Emissions Charges when they drive the kids to school.

Laura became so frustrated with his incessant yattering and question-avoidance that she snarled:

You are not a columnist, nor a trade unionist with an axe to grind, you are the Prime Minister. It is your decision, what are you going to do?

Laura, I'm going to empower local people and level up in action.

You are visibly not making an HS2 decision. You are making the U.K. a laughing stock.

You are saying things that are just not true, Laura. Is my hair nice and shiny? 

Look at this Word Cloud, Prime Minister. This is what people think of you. Will you make tax cuts?

The best tax cut, Laura, is to reduce inflation and we are making very good progress in that direction.

For our overseas readers, the reference to HS2, about which Sunak wriggled out of an answer, despite holding his conference in what to Londoners sounds like the North, but from my eyrie in Orkney is very far south, further than I could drive in a day, even after crossing the Pentland Firth; is all about a very expensive railway line, which was supposed to link Leeds, Manchester, Birmingham and London, with trains travelling at 225 miles per hour, which doesn't sound like a very good idea to me. Anyway, a hundred miles of track has been constructed from Birmingham to the outskirts of London, and has cost £1billion pounds so far. So the Tory Government is suspected of abandoning the project on cost grounds - which sounds sensible since we are a Poor Country - but has enraged pretty Andy Burnham, the Mayor of Greater Manchester, who fumes that Sunak's Tories have abandoned the North. Which is why the Tory Party Conference is meeting in filthy old Salford, to placate Burnham, instead of Brighton, where they'd much prefer to be.

Not that the HS2 was going to Brighton.

Anyway, as part of the levelling up agenda, Sunak has announced £20m in funding over 10 years for 55 most "overlooked" towns in the United Kingdom.  Seven towns in Scotland are set to benefit. Clydebank, Coatbridge, Dumfries, Elgin, Greenock, Irvine and Kilmarnock have been named among the beneficiaries of the  funding direct from Westminster. The SNP will be cross, of course, as they will denounce it as Westminster interfering with the terms of Devolution and a blatant exercise in snaring the votes the SNP has lost on account of incompetence, Central Belt favouritism, and, of course, criminal charges/police interrogation under arrest of senior SNP leaders, including the former Prime Minister, Gnasher Sturgeon. Scottish Conservative leader Douglas Ross denied the UK government was trying to by-pass Holyrood by directly awarding the money - well, if Westminster handed the cash to Holyrood it would never get out to the hard-up Local Authorities, most of which are on the brink of bankruptcy. North Lanarkshire is attempting to balance its books by closing its swimming pools, sports facilities  and libraries, which has caused outrage amongst the sporty buggers, who are complaining that the next generation  will be denied the opportunity to be healthy. The bibliophiles amongst us do not seem to have joined in the outrage - probably reckoning that no-one cares whether books will no longer be freely available to the poor.

Bit of a stretch to claim that the current generation of Scots are healthy, apart from the tiny peculiar percentage who pound their way around running tracks and plough up and down swimming pools. Scotland had the highest avoidable mortality rate within the United Kingdom in 2020 at 336 deaths per 100,000 population. England had 257. As the Scottish people throw themselves, with an admirable single-mindedness, into self destruction through alcohol and drugs, the age standardised mortality rate (ASMR) for alcohol and drug related disorders has increased from 31.9 deaths per 100,000 in 2012 to 52.1 deaths per 100,000 in 2020 - way ahead of England at 17.3 in 2012 and 24 in 2020. And all under a welfare-oriented, socialist Scottish National Party.

In addition to its indifference to the poor of the Central Belt, the SNP is simply not interested in anything north of Dundee, with the island communities of  Comhairle nan Eilean Siar, Shetland and Orkney seemingly invisible to the Holyrood incumbents. Those two ferries - the Glen Sannox and the newly named Glen Rosa - (you remember the Glen Sannox - that's the one Sturgeon launched in November 2017 with painted-on windows to pretend it was ready) 

are still not ready.

New estimates released this week suggested the cost of the  two ferries could reach £400m. This does not include the millions pumped into nationalised Ferguson Marine to keep it operating, is over four times the £97million contract cost for the two lifeline ferries. David Tydeman, the chief executive of Ferguson Marine indicated that it will cost an extra £240 million to build Glen Sannox and Glen Rosa on top of the £83.25 million spent on the ferries prior to Scottish Government taking control of Ferguson Marine with a further £45million loaned. Tydeman says the contingency costs for both vessels could increase the cost by a further  £30 million. And there is a potential extra spend on warranties, many of which have expired. The original completion dates were exceeded long ago. 

Glen Sannox's revised date was March 2024 but  Tydeman said it will "depend on how well the trial progress".  Glen Rosa is now not due to be completed until May 2025.

The domino effect of this delay is that £1million a month - each and every month - is being paid to Andrew Banks, proprietor of Pentland Ferries, to charter The Arthur, which was originally put into service between Orkney and John O'Groats, and the old  rust bucket Pentolina has replaced it on that route.

Enough of all this incompetence, waste, back handers and the like. Let us turn to Mr Sam, for another extract from his 2008 London diaries, charting the tribulations of an honest restaurateur as he negotiated with the politicians of his day.

Mr. Sam said...

Harro and happy Clistmas! Mr Sam here, owner of the Fuk Yoo Ken lestaulant in Rambeth, south Rundon. Today Mr Ken Rivingstone, Chairman of Rundon, visit with special guests, Mr Tony Brair and his flagrant wife Shelly. Mr Tony is Chairman of Engrand once but is now Loman Cathoric pliest. Mrs Shelly is important sorricitor. She work for Majesty the Clean. Sometime she call herself Miss Shelly Booth. I wonder if they are mallied. Plaps not, if he is pliest.

Mr Tony say: "I have been dlinking a rot of communion rine today and must lush to ravatoly! Prease show me the ray."

I show him to ravatoly, meanrile I give Mr Ken and Mrs Shelly the menu.

Mrs Shelly say: "I crose you down".

"Oh no, oh preese, Mrs Shelly, not you too!" I say "Mr Ken keep tlying to crose me down, now you. I make Fuk You Ken a crass estabrishment. Why you want crose me down?"

"Human lights raw" say Mrs Shelly. "You are obriged to have menu in 137 diffelent ranguages. This is Rundon, not Peking. Rundon is most murticurtular city in world and we are ploud of lichness of diversity, equarrity and incrusitivty. This menu is onry in Engrish."

"But I cannot afford to plint 137 diffelent menus, Mrs Shelly".

"Gellaway" she say. "You'll have to. Get over it. That's plogless. Get used to it. Rake up and smell the tea".

Mr Tony come back to his prace and rook at menu.

"Oh dear" he say. "I cannot understand menu. It's all in Chinese!"

"But Mrs Shelly comprain menu is in Engrish!!" I say. "Is Engrish but food is Chinese. I cannot rin."

Mr Ken chip in "Mrs Brair is light, Mr Sam. She is famous ballister and knows the regal system.

"There is a ray alound this. You make donation to Ree Grasper deveropment fund and they not leport you.

"How much?"

"A thousand pounds"

"But I cannot afford. And Mr Ree is clook!" I say

"No!" say Mr Ken. "You been leading Girrigan.* Mr Rea is fliend. He do gleat work, he lun many chality for brack Rundoners and school for Bangradeshi ratte pumper and Rebanese burger fripper who want to dlive brack cab. You are lude to him, that will be two thousand now. Or we crose you down."

"Rotever you say, Mr Ken."

*Andrew Gilligan - He was awarded Journalist of the Year in 2008 for his investigative reports on Ken Livingstone around the time of the London mayoral elections at the time Mr Sam was having his say on order-order. 

-------------------------------------------------------

Harro! Mr Sam here, owner of the Fuk Yoo Ken lestaulant in Rewisham, South Rundon. I aporrogise for not lighting lecently but you lemember I had to crose other Fuk Yoo Ken lestaulant in Rambeth because lobbing clunt Mr Rivingstone set the lates at clushing revel. He also want to crose me down because I not brack. Now I have smaller estabrishment in next bollough. I forrow storly of Orympic frame last reek and am wullied. I not rike to see Chinese lunners in brue halassing Miss Huq*. They are blutes, golirras. Mrs Sam and I not applove of Chinese hoorigans in Tibet and Nepor. I come to Engrand to ribelate famiry from Mao burries and make honest riving in own lestaulant. Mr Blown, Plime Minister, is sirry man. He should have glabbed frame and rectured on human lights in flont of clowd, not stand there rike glinning morlon. Maybe Miss Huq not give him frame because she not want gleen bogeys to lub off. Anyway, Mr Rivingstone rook in at Fuk Yoo Ken lestaulant yesterday. I not see him for reeks because he lun for erection as Chairman of Rundon with Mr Bollis from Burringdon Crub and Mr Blian, poofter porriceman who want glass and heloin to be regal.

I say: "What you want for runch today Mr Ken?"

He say: "I not come for runch. I come for you give me Chinese gril."

I say: "I not give you gril, Mr Ken. You ask for grils before, this is not a blother. And I lead in paper you have many other grils and make them plegrant but not mally them. So why you want Chinese gril?

"Cos my wirry is like bloomstick in morning" say Mr Ken. "I am hung rike Orion"

"Orion?"

"Yes, you sritty iriot. Hung rike a rion. Big cat, king of follest."

I not quite understand.

"You copurate with too many radies, Mr Ken. In China such loose molars are disglace. Why you come to me for more?"

"Because Chinese lunners in brue have some pletty grils with them. I think you can plovide one."

"I not know lunners in brue" I say roudly. "I lenounce them. Anyway, I fix you up with Miss Fifi-Monique before and you comprain."

"I comprain because Miss Fini-Monique was RADYBOY. I cannot bleed more splogs with radyboy."

"How many splogs you got, Mr Ken?

"Dozens of the blats" say Mr Ken. "I bleed them in the interests of equarrity and incrusivity. I have Rebanese, Lussian, Rat, Lwandan, Flench, Sliss, Sommarian, Rundoner, Itarrian, Gleek, Alabian and Cyllian, Camerloon, Palaguay, Nigelian, Moloccan, St Rucia, Amellican, and Firripino. But no sritty-eye blats. I must comprete the correction, so find me Chinese gril to get plegrant.

"Why you not mally any of them, Mr Ken? Make good rife?"

"Because wise man he say, why buy book when he can bollow flom ribalry."

Mr Ken go on: "Anyway, why you glumble about me sreeping with froozies when Mr Bollis do the same?"

"Mr Bollis take plecaution. He use contlaceptive Dulex, so no offspling."

"Mr Bollis is a plick" say Mr Ken.

I ask: "Do your splogs have watermerron smires?"

"THAT IS LACIST LEMARK" Mr Ken berrow.

"Only blinging some revity, being jorry."

"You'll be jorry solly when I crose you down, you sritty rittle cleep" say Mr Ken. "Why can't I have Miss Yasmine, waitless?"

"Because Miss Yasmine is NOT A SRUT, Mr Ken."

"Fuk yoo" say Mr Ken and regged it from lestaulant.

* * * * *

Rater that day Mr Bollis alive.

"What-ho, Mr Sam!" say Mr Bollis. "Gleetings to you! A word in your rughole."

He come up crose to risper. "Any danger of a pletty rittle Chinese gril this evening?"

"How about Miss Yasmine, waitless?" I say.

"But you alrays say Miss Yasmine is crean uplight gril, Mr Sam."

"She is. But Miss Yasmin tell me lecently she rike to copurate with man with brond rocks."

"Jorry good show! Bling her on. Got any Dulex?"

-----------------------------

*6th April 2008 - 37 arrests were made after clashes between pro-Tibet protesters and police as the Olympic torch made its way through London. Protests over China's human rights record began soon after the relay began at Wembley, and prompted an increasing police presence through the city. One protester tried to snatch the torch from former Blue Peter host Konnie Huq.

After an unpublicised change to the route, the Chinese ambassador carried the torch through Chinatown. It later made an unscheduled move onto a bus. Outside Downing Street there were chaotic scenes as former Olympic heptathlon gold medallist Denise Lewis took the flame to No 10, where it was greeted by Gordon Brown, Prime Minister despite being pressured to boycott the parade and the Beijing Olympics opening ceremony. However he did not hold it.

The Call Me Ishmael oeuvre now comprises four volumes, thanks to editor mr verge.

Honest Not Invent, Vent Stack, Ishmael’s Blues, and the latest, Flush Test (with a nice picture of the late, much lamented, Mr Harris of Lanarkshire taking a piss on a totem pole) are available from Lulu and Amazon. If you buy from Amazon, it would be nice if you could give a review on their website.

Ishmaelites wishing to buy a copy from lulu should follow these steps :

please register an account first, at lulu.com. This is advisable because otherwise paypal seems to think it's ok to charge in dollars, and they then apply their own conversion rate, which might put the price up slightly for a UK buyer. Once the new account is set up, follow one of the links below (to either paperback or hardback) or type "Ishmael’s Blues" into the Lulu Bookstore search box. Click on the “show explicit content” tab, give the age verification box a date of birth such as 1 January 1960, and proceed.

Link for Hardcover : https://tinyurl.com/je7nddfr

Link for Paperback : https://tinyurl.com/3jurrzux

https://www.lulu.com/shop/ishmael-smith/flush-test/paperback/product-9yjvn7.html?q=Flush+Test&page=1&pageSize=4

 

At checkout, try WELCOME15 in the coupon box, which (for the moment) takes 15% off the price before postage. If this code has expired by the time you reach this point, try a google search for "Lulu.com voucher code" and see what comes up.

With the 15% voucher, PB (including delivery to a UK address) should be £16.84; HB £27.04.

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Gods know what was in the heads of the fellers of  the world famous Sycamore Gap tree. A replacement sycamore was planted by Kieran Chapman, just some bloke who wanted to "restore people's faith in humanity". This was against the rules and the National Trust confirmed on Saturday that they would dig it up. Gods know what is in their heads.