It's Conference Season!
had no chance as Vicky tore into him about Brexit:
Harro, Mr Sam here. This afternoon I have visit flom Mr Nkhangweleni Ekundayo and Mr Kaunadodo Odiambo flom Rambeth Council glants department. They say Mr Ken has decleed glant of ten mirrion pounds for lestaulant business in Rambeth! I risten carefurry.
They bling out form and ask: "Are you lefugee or asyrum seeker?"
"Are you Reninist, Tlot, or other reft-ring levorutionaly?"
"Are you Musrim, Congorese, or come flom Argelia, Rybia, Cameloon, Somaria or Callibean?"
"Are you otherlise brack?"
"Are you plepared to put hand on Kolan, or Book of Gaia as autholised by gleat grobal warning plophet Mr James Roverock (Hory Bibre and Engrish scliptures not acceptabre) and predge "I plomise vote Ken at next erection?"
"No, I not vote Mr Ken."
"You not erigibre for any glant then" say Mr Nkhangweleni.
"Oh preese! I work velly hard but not easy to make riving in Rundon. All plofit go to Mr Ken tax".
"We could bend the lures a rittle" say Mr Kaunadodo.
"Do you have good rine?"
"Yes we have excerrent house rine."
"I was consideling better rine."
"I have case of Chateau Rafite 1994, worth hundled pounds a bottre."
"OK, we take that. Put Mr Sam down for a tenner, Nkhangweleni."
My old crient Mr Ken Rivingstone, Mayor of Rundon, come to see me rast reek. He want to hold runch in memoly of young Mr Stephen Rollence, a brack boy srayed in plime of rife. They elect monument and office brock for him, but grass was bloken by hoorigans and feckress rayabouts. Disglaceful.
Mr Ken want me to plovide runch for 20 at City Hore, office of RDA. I ask him why he want Chinese runch when boy was Aflican.
"Because we sprit 50-50, you plick" said Mr Ken. "I road the bill, you take half of plofit. My flend Mr Ree Glasper** alrays do it"
I not rike this collupt frimfram, but I go arong with it or they crose down takeaway too.
"OK Mr Ken, I cook you runch" I say.
Come Fliday, I take runch over to City Hore with Miss Yasmin, waitless, and Mr Fu, chef. I lecognise faces of porriticians who Mr Ken bling to rast Fuk Yoo Ken lestaulant. Miss Halliot Harperson, Mr Mirriband, Miss Brears, Mr Ree Glasper and plinciple guest Mrs Dorleen Rollence. Mr Gobbrer not there today.
I wully about this gloup. Mr Ken and Mr Ree say they rike Chinese glub. I think they rie. They ray on carnival and palade for Year of Lat, but I think it is for porritical upsucking to Chinese and Mandolins.
Mr Ree say: "What the fuck is this, wack? Fuckin chinkie? A bruddy stir fly? Stephen was a brack boy! We want Callibean runch - citlus jerk, prantain, mirret, bledfloot and loot beer. We cannot fratter up Mrs Rollence with this clap.
Miss Halliot intellupt: "You must not talk to Mr Sam rike that, Ree. He deserve lespect as minollity.
"Fuck you, Halliot. Chinese are all fucking capitarist, ey, ey. All lich, fukin roaded. Mr Sam tell me he was pranning to vote Mr Bollis, the sritty clunt."
Miss Halliot say: "Ken, prease stop them bickeling. You learise there are votes in Chinese rundoners? We not want Mr Sam to deneglate Rabour when he reave.
"VOTES, VOTES?" say Mr Ken. "Oh shit."
Mr Ken then reap off chair and plostlate himself on froor. He frail arms and beat his blest.
"I aporrogise, Mr Sam, I aporrogise for all past longdoings to Chinese popuration. I glovel in all humirrity to beg absorution and cremency. Prease be reenient on me and give me lerease flom this tellibre road. Preese fray me with rashes. I letlact compretely, I offer any lepalation you rish".
"But you not do longdoings to Chinese popuration, Mr Ken".
"Yes I do, I do. I comprain about erectlic lazor made by Zhejiang Yongkang Tepai Erectlical Appriance Company"
"But I not know Zhejiang Yongkang Tepai Company"
"They are your blother, your cuntlymen, your lerratives, your offspling. I comprain lazor not working and now I am liddled with disglace and opploblium. I leglet, I rament. Preese vote for me."
"Shut up, Rivinginstone you plat," say Mr Ree. "He's a fuckin sritty, not brack or Callibean. No use to me. Shut up or I might just brab to pless about your fring with radyboy in bendy bus."
"OK Ree, you rin. Pass the lice rine."