NO, I'M THE PRIME MINISTER OF THE DISUNITED KINGDOM, SORT OF, ME AND MY GANG, ANYWAY.
You see, anyone who knows anything about history, like I do, knows that back in Victorian times, when Mrs Thatcher was in charge, there were several types of people, there were the sturdy beggar, the impotent poor and decent people, like my family. And that's where we need to get back to.
Now, unfortunately, because of Gordon Brown and the Labour Party we can no longer transport people to Australia, which is what we often did, up until the start of the so-called welfare state, or flog them around the streets, or throw them in workhouses. And if you look a bit closer into history you find that the poor have always been with us. But we need to change all that. Not by changing the economic system which creates riches for some and poverty for others but by uniting, as a nation, behind me, or, in my case in front of me, or I suppose, strictly speaking, inside of me, uniting, anyway, against the poor people, hating them, calling them names and jolly well thrashing their arses until they find work to do. Even though there isn't any. And there's gonna be a lot less, I can tell you. You know, me and most of the Cabinet are trained in that, in arse-kicking, are experienced, it's often said and it's true, that the disasters and catastrophes, the hunger, the unemployment, the useless, foreseeable, preventable wars of the last couple of hundred years were all hatched on the playing fields of Eton, so we're all right there, then, Cabinet-wise.
What I'm gonna do, as I was saying to my daughter, whom I would never use for political purposes, is unite the country against itself, the middle class types, who are too greedy, against the underclass who are all lazy thieves and drug addicts and the rich against everybody else. And I'm gonna do this by leaving the rich alone and setting the other two against each other. Unity, that's my thing. That's why so many of my party hate me, me, the Heir to Blair, I ask you.
There are ways to do these things but this chump lacks the wit, the sensitivity, the intelligence , even the vocabulary; an empty-headed, narcissistic, over-wealthy public schoolboy, flexing his non-existent muscles in front of a crowd of sheep, good for fuck all. Maybe Davies and Co can throw him out on his useless arse, like Hague, Howard and that other prat, Smith, none of them won an election, either.