The Sunday Ishmael: 12/03/2023

Mr ishmael is delighted to give us his thoughts on Sir Gary Crisps, who has had the temerity to criticise the Government's Illegal Migration Bill - so-called because it is probably illegal.

And I am joined now in the studio by Sir Gary Babyman,

a highly-paid spokesman for the junk food industry

Crisps, children, they're good for you; at least they're good for me.

and the PBC's Mr Football.

Sir Gary is to football what Jamie Oliver is to irritable bowel syndrome.

Sir Gary, you're a complete, irredeemable arsehole; a greedy, stupid, vain, overpaid vulgarian, fucking about with your facial hair all the time, love the snufflers' beard by the way, you could almost be a leitmotif, isn't it, for the age, no, no, no point me explaining it to you, boyo, you'd never understand, not in a million fucking years, look you, a complete fucking ignoramus is what you are, Sir Crisps, isn't it, sitting around pretending to be sagacious, look you, with a whole fucking army of complete ignoramuses as stupid and gobby as yourself, people like this grotesque Scottish mutant,

 

Hansen, is it,

and this Geordie guttersnipe, wotsisname,

the one always cheating,

Shearer,

but only fer m'country, like, bonny lad,

tryin' a do summin fer m'country, I were, doin' that dive,

it wunna fer me, it were fer m'country only it didna come off.

Thassowitgoes, in this game, sometimes ya gerraway with the foul, like, an' other times ya get caught.

and the whole miserable jumped-up poisonous shower of shit-eating vermin pontificating about the beautiful game as it's played in the Premier Rapists' League, fuck me Jesus, isn't it, look you, boyo, at least Jamie fucking Oliver is only the praise-singer, the herald, if you will, isn't it, of mr ishmael's le posterieur flambee, the fiery hot, explosive diarrhoea, the shit that keeps on coming, whereas you lot endlessly champion bribery, cheating, gang rape and athletic failure, every time there's an international tournament you can bet your arse that within a day or so there's a planeload of weeping, millionaire rapists flying back to Blighty, gutted, vowing to do better with another manager, another captain, another Bentley Continental, another massive snorting of cocaine, a good, healthy spit-roasting of a teenager. The players union, FIFA, the FA, the PBC, skymadeupnewsandfilth, that cuntish newly-wed, Murdoch, all like one great festering anus, the beautiful game, yes, right.

So what's your take, Sir Gary Lineker, on the Illegal Migration Bill? Go on, tell us.

Well, Huw, and thank you.

And may I say what an honour it is to be appearing alongside a great star like yourself.

And if I can just refer you to my twitter account......

To your what...?

Well, Huw, we journalists.......

We what...?

We journalists, Huw, people like you'n'I, as well as dressing and grooming ourselves to the very highest standards, we need to keep in touch with our fanbase, right? The people who buy our crisps, right?

And that's why it's vital that we connect with ordinary people. By Tweeting.

Oh, I know that people say you can't actually convey very much in a hundred and whatever letters-including-spaces but lessface it, most of us don't have much to convey, anyway, do we? I know I don't. Eat crisps and watch rigged football played by deviants, that'll do it 4 me.

Christ, you really are fucking stupid, aren't you?

That was Gary Crisps there, for us. 

And here's our panel to discuss what they are not allowed to discuss under the terms of very lucrative contracts with the Government Broadcasting Company.

The trouble with these Tories, is they shouldn't mix politics with our money, I mean our sport, don't you agree, panel?

Aye, yower not wrong there, Gary, me man. I mean all them lads is tryin' to do is do a good job fer their country, like I were when I kept falling doon, like, in't penalty box and pretendin' some cunt 'ad kicked me over, never worked, like, burawasdoinitfermecountry. An' the lads are doin' it fer their country.  To get out of their country, like- an they're 'avin to contend wi' nig-nogs, like, - cos that's wot they are, lessbefair, no offence to you two lads, yer almost 'onorary Englishmen, after all, Rio and Thierry - disruptin' things and rioting, like, just because they got no 'ouses or jobs or 'ealthcare while their govament is spending billions on footy fer rich folks to watch. I mean, they got no sense a proportion, 'ave they? I mean, I allus say, Gary, that ye canna trust a nation where 'alf the wimmen's got great big shiny cocks between their legs, where there oughter be a Berkshire, can you? Ladymen, cannae abide them, me. 

That Alan Hansen, allus had me doots aboot that one

That's right, Alan, poverty, neglect, exploitation and oppression, they shouldn't be allowed to interfere with the beautiful game. And as for the nig-nog kiddies being hungry, well what's wrong with us sending them all a great big donation of out-of-date potato crisps, hasn't done me any harm.

What, eat 'em? Fuck no, they're really bad for you, fat, starch, salt. Top athletes, like m'self, we don't get where we are by eating shit like this. No, but they're OK for the kids, course they are. It's like anything, moderation's the word, probly no more than three or four bags a day.

And Rooney, whaddawethink about Rooney, Thierry?

Eef 'e can play, 'e should play. Eet may be on thee left. Or on thee other side. But 'e should play. Mebbe 'e can score, maybe not. That ees thee thing. Eef I was thee manager I would play 'im. Or not play 'im.

An' me, Gary, I would, an' all, I'd play him but I'd play 'im on the left, he's got great wotsaname, 'as Rooney, 'e's a reet bonny lad. Or in the middle, I'd play him there, an' all. He can score goals, can Rooney. It's just that 'e doesn't. That's the only problem wi' the team, like, 'sthat they dinna score any goals, not enough like, anyroad, not as many as the other fuckers. And that's where I think the real problem lies, Gary.

Thanks, Alan Shearer, for that. And while we're waiting for the next match, here's some football.

I saw that neadnerthal fuckpig, Shearer, when he was playing for England, he dived and writhed in the penalty area and the ref just looked at him like he was a piece of shit, which he is. Later, being pundited, he said, all hurt, the big fairy, Aye, Ah were just trying to do something fer me country, Ah done me best, like, but it never come off. As though his country expected him to cheat for it; revolting piece of shit. It was great hearing him berate some Johnny Foreigner, the other night, for doing the same thing. I wonder how much we are paying him for his commentary.

Sir Gary Lineker, football pundit best known for his championing of fat-laden, salty snacks for children. Yes, he must be a complete cunt, mustn't he?

Oh, well played, Sir Gary. A diet of Coke and crisps is the very thing to unleash the potential of our young people.

And don't forget, as we used to say at Eton, it doesn't matter how you play the game, it's whether you win or lose that counts. 

Hope you've got all your crisp money somewhere nice and funny, I mean sunny, British Virgin Isles, is what we swear by in my family. And quite proply, too, in my judgement.

...................................................................................

Thank you, mr ishmael. 

Since those posts were written, Sir Crisps has gone and got himself benched for criticising Government policy through the medium of his Twitter account, lampooned above by mr ish. And has inadvertently revealed the extent of control of the BBC by Government.

Once upon a time I worked for a company that had a Social Media Policy. It started fine with a preamble that said the company supported freedom of speech and that employees had every right to use social media. It defined social media. It then went on to forbid any revelation of company information, cautioned that any photographs posted should not show the poster wearing logos or uniforms that allowed identification of the poster as an employee of the company, forbad the poster from identifying themselves as working for the company, forbad the expression of any view that might cause  the company reputational damage, bring it into disrepute or contempt, and forbad any denigration of other employees or managers. It didn't mind employees expressing political views, as long as they were legal and the poster made it clear that the views were their own and not those of the company. You takes our dollar, you does as we say. 

Lineker is under contract to the BBC until 2025, for which he is amply remunerated, despite agreeing to accept a 25% pay cut when he signed his existing contract in September 2020. In 2020/21 he earned £1.35 million. It is estimated that his net worth is £30 million.  His contract requires him to adhere to the BBC's impartiality rules. The BBC guidance on the individual use of social media states: "There are also others who are not journalists or involved in factual programming who nevertheless have an additional responsibility to the BBC because of their profile on the BBC. We expect these individuals to avoid taking sides on party political issues or political controversies and to take care when addressing public policy matters."

And that people who are "clearly identified with the BBC" should behave "in ways that are consistent with the BBC's editorial values and policies". So that's pretty straight forward. Bang to rights, gov. Except the man's got history for tweeting his political opinions - anti-Brexit, anti-Conservative, criticising the Tory party trousering of  donations from Russian benefactors - and he's got away with it. So what's different this time that has had him sent to the benches? The Illegal Bill is on very dodgy legal ground, and, although there's a high approval rate for the Government taking action to secure the UK's borders from illegal migrants - we don't need any more Albanian criminals, we've got lots of our own - if enacted, it will put the UK at odds with the ECHR and sending illegal migrants anywhere but here leaves a sour taste when the anywhere in question is Rwanda. So the opposition of a very popular, charismatic chap, even if his brains are in his feet, (Julie Birchell's coinage), has stung Conservative Parliamentarians into action. The BBC has been leant on. Best watch Channel 4 News instead. 

A great deal of opprobrium has been heaped upon Linekar for his Tweet in which he referenced Germany in the 30s. Here's what he said: "There is no huge influx. We take far fewer refugees than other major European countries. This is just an immeasurably cruel policy directed at the most vulnerable people in language that is not dissimilar to that used by Germany in the 30s, and I'm out of order?'

Following the Brexit vote, in which 51.89% voted for the UK to Leave Europe whereas 48.11% voted to Remain,  Ros Taylor wrote in the LSE blog in September, 2016:

(there are) powerful forces that, left unchecked, will plunge us into the same economic hole that Europe and the US fell into in the 1930s, which in turn led inextricably to the horrors of WWII. These forces are not uniquely British, but are worryingly international. Brexit, the rise of Trumpism in the US, and nationalism elsewhere are part of the same trend. Artuç et al. (2010) have shown that across a wide range of countries and time periods, the adjustment costs from trade liberalisation are borne most prevalently by the same group as those that voted to leave the EU: less-skilled and older workers. Brexit was not an irrational vote of the ignorant, but a highly rational vote by the same losers from trade as everywhere else. Of course, the issue of whether you lose from trade is more nuanced than whether you have a degree or not. It is about whether trade liberalisation increases the relative supply of people with your skills. The consequence for those for which it does is that their wages and conditions worsen. In the US, average hourly wages have not risen versus inflation since the 1970s, and within that average, 70% have seen a fall. In low-skill sectors, British firms have been able to introduce ‘zero-hour’ contracts in which they are not obligated to offer any hours of paid work but employees must be always available.
Trade boosts a country’s net welfare..... the net benefits from trade justify the winners setting aside part of their winnings to compensate the losers. But the trade liberalisation agenda fatally attached itself to a neoliberal agenda which said that it was the losers’ fault. The advance of trade liberalisation coincided with the withdrawal of unemployment benefits, tertiary education, retraining, and social housing. The winnings from trade have been increasingly concentrated, not distributed. Trade liberalisation has led to a convergence between countries and a divergence within countries. Brexit and Trump’s Republican nomination tell us that the inevitable reckoning has arrived. The solution de jour is easy monetary policy, but this merely lifts the prices of the homes and financial assets of the skilled elites and pushes them further out of the reach of others, resulting in little boost to consumption. The lasting solution is to use fiscal policy to compensate the losers through aggressive efforts to up-skill displaced workers and build them affordable homes to rent in places where the new jobs are. This costs money, the neoliberals exclaim – but the cost of not doing so is many times greater. If the rise of trade nationalism leads to 1930s-style trade and currency wars, trade and GDP will shrink, creating mass unemployment, despair, and worse."
References
Artuç, E, S Chaudhuri and J McLaren (2010), “Trade Shocks and Labor Adjustment: A Structural Empirical Approach”, American Economic Review 100(3): 1008-45.

Jeremy Cunt will deliver his Spring Budget on Wednesday. We'll see how he goes about squaring the circle and placating the powerful forces.

...................................................................

Anyway, the luvvies are at it again - giving each other prizes, and, hopefully, punches, facial blows, kicks and curses - Will Smith really upped the game for all future Oscar ceremonies. 

Here's mr ishmael having the last word on a certain Oscar ceremony:

March, 2009, 
stanislav’s blues…

NO OSCAR FOR GERRY AND CILLA

Popular young actors, Gerry and Cilla McCann, have issued this statement through their spokesman, Mr Clarence Foghorn :

“We find it unhelpful that the Academy has again failed to recognise the high standard of our acting and it is most unhelpful that they have not given us an Oscar and deeply disappointing that they have given us no money. We are accustomed to people being so moved by our acting that they send us shitloads of money and pay off our mortgage for us, enabling us to pursue our acting careers.

I am currently appearing as a young doctor in that well-known comedy playhouse, the Leicester Royal Infirmary, although patients do seem to be in short supply, with few volunteering to be placed in my care, for fear that they disappear without trace while in it, resulting in war with Portugal; Cilla is reprising her role as a Child Welfare Expert, on Breakfast TV and on Channel Dave.

People may have forgotten that we are the victims here and in view of our Oscar disappointment we remind them that they can send us money, as much and for as long as they like.

Cash preferred. No unhelpful questions asked.

Please, help us find our Oscar.”

 

 

thanks to editor mr. verge, there are now three anthologies of the collected works of ishmael smith:

Honest Not Invent, Vent Stack  and Ishmael’s Blues are all available from Lulu and Amazon. If you buy from Amazon, it would be nice if you could give a review on their website.
Ishmaelites wishing to buy a copy from lulu should follow these steps :

Thanks to editor mr. verge, there are now three anthologies of the collected works of ishmael smith:
Honest Not Invent, Vent Stack  and Ishmael’s Blues are all available from Lulu and Amazon. If you buy from Amazon, it would be nice if you could give a review on their website.
Ishmaelites wishing to buy a copy from lulu should follow these steps :
please register an account first, at lulu.com. This is advisable because otherwise paypal seems to think it's ok to charge in dollars, and they then apply their own conversion rate, which might put the price up slightly for a UK buyer. Once the new account is set up, follow one of the links below (to either paperback or hardback) or type "Ishmael’s Blues" into the Lulu Bookstore search box.  Click on the “show explicit content” tab, give the age verification box a date of birth such as 1 January 1960, and proceed.
Link for Hardcover :  https://tinyurl.com/je7nddfr
Link for Paperback : https://tinyurl.com/3jurrzux
At checkout, try WELCOME15 in the coupon box, which (for the moment) takes 15% off the price before postage.  If this code has expired by the time you reach this point, try a google search for "Lulu.com voucher code" and see what comes up.  
With the 15% voucher, PB (including delivery to a UK address) should be £16.84; HB £27.04.