Sunday 12 March 2023

The Sunday Ishmael: 12/03/2023

Mr ishmael is delighted to give us his thoughts on Sir Gary Crisps, who has had the temerity to criticise the Government's Illegal Migration Bill - so-called because it is probably illegal.
And I am joined now in the studio by Sir Gary Babyman,
a highly-paid spokesman for the junk food industry
Crisps, children, they're good for you; at least they're good for me.
and the PBC's Mr Football.
Sir Gary is to football what Jamie Oliver is to irritable bowel syndrome.
Sir Gary, you're a complete, irredeemable arsehole; a greedy, stupid, vain, overpaid vulgarian, fucking about with your facial hair all the time, love the snufflers' beard by the way, you could almost be a leitmotif, isn't it, for the age, no, no, no point me explaining it to you, boyo, you'd never understand, not in a million fucking years, look you, a complete fucking ignoramus is what you are, Sir Crisps, isn't it, sitting around pretending to be sagacious, look you, with a whole fucking army of complete ignoramuses as stupid and gobby as yourself, people like this grotesque Scottish mutant,
Hansen, is it,
and this Geordie guttersnipe, wotsisname,
the one always cheating,
but only fer m'country, like, bonny lad,
tryin' a do summin fer m'country, I were, doin' that dive,
it wunna fer me, it were fer m'country only it didna come off.
Thassowitgoes, in this game, sometimes ya gerraway with the foul, like, an' other times ya get caught.
and the whole miserable jumped-up poisonous shower of shit-eating vermin pontificating about the beautiful game as it's played in the Premier Rapists' League, fuck me Jesus, isn't it, look you, boyo, at least Jamie fucking Oliver is only the praise-singer, the herald, if you will, isn't it, of mr ishmael's le posterieur flambee, the fiery hot, explosive diarrhoea, the shit that keeps on coming, whereas you lot endlessly champion bribery, cheating, gang rape and athletic failure, every time there's an international tournament you can bet your arse that within a day or so there's a planeload of weeping, millionaire rapists flying back to Blighty, gutted, vowing to do better with another manager, another captain, another Bentley Continental, another massive snorting of cocaine, a good, healthy spit-roasting of a teenager. The players union, FIFA, the FA, the PBC, skymadeupnewsandfilth, that cuntish newly-wed, Murdoch, all like one great festering anus, the beautiful game, yes, right.
So what's your take, Sir Gary Lineker, on the Illegal Migration Bill? Go on, tell us.
Well, Huw, and thank you.
And may I say what an honour it is to be appearing alongside a great star like yourself.
And if I can just refer you to my twitter account......
To your what...?
Well, Huw, we journalists.......
We what...?
We journalists, Huw, people like you'n'I, as well as dressing and grooming ourselves to the very highest standards, we need to keep in touch with our fanbase, right? The people who buy our crisps, right?
And that's why it's vital that we connect with ordinary people. By Tweeting.
Oh, I know that people say you can't actually convey very much in a hundred and whatever letters-including-spaces but lessface it, most of us don't have much to convey, anyway, do we? I know I don't. Eat crisps and watch rigged football played by deviants, that'll do it 4 me.
Christ, you really are fucking stupid, aren't you?
That was Gary Crisps there, for us. 
And here's our panel to discuss what they are not allowed to discuss under the terms of very lucrative contracts with the Government Broadcasting Company.
The trouble with these Tories, is they shouldn't mix politics with our money, I mean our sport, don't you agree, panel?
Aye, yower not wrong there, Gary, me man. I mean all them lads is tryin' to do is do a good job fer their country, like I were when I kept falling doon, like, in't penalty box and pretendin' some cunt 'ad kicked me over, never worked, like, burawasdoinitfermecountry. An' the lads are doin' it fer their country.  To get out of their country, like- an they're 'avin to contend wi' nig-nogs, like, - cos that's wot they are, lessbefair, no offence to you two lads, yer almost 'onorary Englishmen, after all, Rio and Thierry - disruptin' things and rioting, like, just because they got no 'ouses or jobs or 'ealthcare while their govament is spending billions on footy fer rich folks to watch. I mean, they got no sense a proportion, 'ave they? I mean, I allus say, Gary, that ye canna trust a nation where 'alf the wimmen's got great big shiny cocks between their legs, where there oughter be a Berkshire, can you? Ladymen, cannae abide them, me. 
That Alan Hansen, allus had me doots aboot that one
That's right, Alan, poverty, neglect, exploitation and oppression, they shouldn't be allowed to interfere with the beautiful game. And as for the nig-nog kiddies being hungry, well what's wrong with us sending them all a great big donation of out-of-date potato crisps, hasn't done me any harm.
What, eat 'em? Fuck no, they're really bad for you, fat, starch, salt. Top athletes, like m'self, we don't get where we are by eating shit like this. No, but they're OK for the kids, course they are. It's like anything, moderation's the word, probly no more than three or four bags a day.

And Rooney, whaddawethink about Rooney, Thierry?

Eef 'e can play, 'e should play. Eet may be on thee left. Or on thee other side. But 'e should play. Mebbe 'e can score, maybe not. That ees thee thing. Eef I was thee manager I would play 'im. Or not play 'im.

An' me, Gary, I would, an' all, I'd play him but I'd play 'im on the left, he's got great wotsaname, 'as Rooney, 'e's a reet bonny lad. Or in the middle, I'd play him there, an' all. He can score goals, can Rooney. It's just that 'e doesn't. That's the only problem wi' the team, like, 'sthat they dinna score any goals, not enough like, anyroad, not as many as the other fuckers. And that's where I think the real problem lies, Gary.

Thanks, Alan Shearer, for that. And while we're waiting for the next match, here's some football.

I saw that neadnerthal fuckpig, Shearer, when he was playing for England, he dived and writhed in the penalty area and the ref just looked at him like he was a piece of shit, which he is. Later, being pundited, he said, all hurt, the big fairy, Aye, Ah were just trying to do something fer me country, Ah done me best, like, but it never come off. As though his country expected him to cheat for it; revolting piece of shit. It was great hearing him berate some Johnny Foreigner, the other night, for doing the same thing. I wonder how much we are paying him for his commentary.
Sir Gary Lineker, football pundit best known for his championing of fat-laden, salty snacks for children. Yes, he must be a complete cunt, mustn't he?
Oh, well played, Sir Gary. A diet of Coke and crisps is the very thing to unleash the potential of our young people.
And don't forget, as we used to say at Eton, it doesn't matter how you play the game, it's whether you win or lose that counts. 
Hope you've got all your crisp money somewhere nice and funny, I mean sunny, British Virgin Isles, is what we swear by in my family. And quite proply, too, in my judgement.

Thank you, mr ishmael. 
Since those posts were written, Sir Crisps has gone and got himself benched for criticising Government policy through the medium of his Twitter account, lampooned above by mr ish. And has inadvertently revealed the extent of control of the BBC by Government.
Once upon a time I worked for a company that had a Social Media Policy. It started fine with a preamble that said the company supported freedom of speech and that employees had every right to use social media. It defined social media. It then went on to forbid any revelation of company information, cautioned that any photographs posted should not show the poster wearing logos or uniforms that allowed identification of the poster as an employee of the company, forbad the poster from identifying themselves as working for the company, forbad the expression of any view that might cause  the company reputational damage, bring it into disrepute or contempt, and forbad any denigration of other employees or managers. It didn't mind employees expressing political views, as long as they were legal and the poster made it clear that the views were their own and not those of the company. You takes our dollar, you does as we say. 
Lineker is under contract to the BBC until 2025, for which he is amply remunerated, despite agreeing to accept a 25% pay cut when he signed his existing contract in September 2020. In 2020/21 he earned £1.35 million. It is estimated that his net worth is £30 million.  His contract requires him to adhere to the BBC's impartiality rules. The BBC guidance on the individual use of social media states: "There are also others who are not journalists or involved in factual programming who nevertheless have an additional responsibility to the BBC because of their profile on the BBC. We expect these individuals to avoid taking sides on party political issues or political controversies and to take care when addressing public policy matters."
And that people who are "clearly identified with the BBC" should behave "in ways that are consistent with the BBC's editorial values and policies". So that's pretty straight forward. Bang to rights, gov. Except the man's got history for tweeting his political opinions - anti-Brexit, anti-Conservative, criticising the Tory party trousering of  donations from Russian benefactors - and he's got away with it. So what's different this time that has had him sent to the benches? The Illegal Bill is on very dodgy legal ground, and, although there's a high approval rate for the Government taking action to secure the UK's borders from illegal migrants - we don't need any more Albanian criminals, we've got lots of our own - if enacted, it will put the UK at odds with the ECHR and sending illegal migrants anywhere but here leaves a sour taste when the anywhere in question is Rwanda. So the opposition of a very popular, charismatic chap, even if his brains are in his feet, (Julie Birchell's coinage), has stung Conservative Parliamentarians into action. The BBC has been leant on. Best watch Channel 4 News instead. 
A great deal of opprobrium has been heaped upon Linekar for his Tweet in which he referenced Germany in the 30s. Here's what he said: "There is no huge influx. We take far fewer refugees than other major European countries. This is just an immeasurably cruel policy directed at the most vulnerable people in language that is not dissimilar to that used by Germany in the 30s, and I'm out of order?'
Following the Brexit vote, in which 51.89% voted for the UK to Leave Europe whereas 48.11% voted to Remain Ros Taylor wrote in the LSE blog in September, 2016:
(there are) powerful forces that, left unchecked, will plunge us into the same economic hole that Europe and the US fell into in the 1930s, which in turn led inextricably to the horrors of WWII. These forces are not uniquely British, but are worryingly international. Brexit, the rise of Trumpism in the US, and nationalism elsewhere are part of the same trend. Artuç et al. (2010) have shown that across a wide range of countries and time periods, the adjustment costs from trade liberalisation are borne most prevalently by the same group as those that voted to leave the EU: less-skilled and older workers. Brexit was not an irrational vote of the ignorant, but a highly rational vote by the same losers from trade as everywhere else. Of course, the issue of whether you lose from trade is more nuanced than whether you have a degree or not. It is about whether trade liberalisation increases the relative supply of people with your skills. The consequence for those for which it does is that their wages and conditions worsen. In the US, average hourly wages have not risen versus inflation since the 1970s, and within that average, 70% have seen a fall. In low-skill sectors, British firms have been able to introduce ‘zero-hour’ contracts in which they are not obligated to offer any hours of paid work but employees must be always available.
Trade boosts a country’s net welfare..... the net benefits from trade justify the winners setting aside part of their winnings to compensate the losers. But the trade liberalisation agenda fatally attached itself to a neoliberal agenda which said that it was the losers’ fault. The advance of trade liberalisation coincided with the withdrawal of unemployment benefits, tertiary education, retraining, and social housing. The winnings from trade have been increasingly concentrated, not distributed. Trade liberalisation has led to a convergence between countries and a divergence within countries. Brexit and Trump’s Republican nomination tell us that the inevitable reckoning has arrived. The solution de jour is easy monetary policy, but this merely lifts the prices of the homes and financial assets of the skilled elites and pushes them further out of the reach of others, resulting in little boost to consumption. The lasting solution is to use fiscal policy to compensate the losers through aggressive efforts to up-skill displaced workers and build them affordable homes to rent in places where the new jobs are. This costs money, the neoliberals exclaim – but the cost of not doing so is many times greater. If the rise of trade nationalism leads to 1930s-style trade and currency wars, trade and GDP will shrink, creating mass unemployment, despair, and worse."
Artuç, E, S Chaudhuri and J McLaren (2010), “Trade Shocks and Labor Adjustment: A Structural Empirical Approach”, American Economic Review 100(3): 1008-45.

Jeremy Cunt will deliver his Spring Budget on Wednesday. We'll see how he goes about squaring the circle and placating the powerful forces.
Anyway, the luvvies are at it again - giving each other prizes, and, hopefully, punches, facial blows, kicks and curses - Will Smith really upped the game for all future Oscar ceremonies. 
Here's mr ishmael having the last word on a certain Oscar ceremony:

March, 2009, 
stanislav’s blues…


Popular young actors, Gerry and Cilla McCann, have issued this statement through their spokesman, Mr Clarence Foghorn :

“We find it unhelpful that the Academy has again failed to recognise the high standard of our acting and it is most unhelpful that they have not given us an Oscar and deeply disappointing that they have given us no money. We are accustomed to people being so moved by our acting that they send us shitloads of money and pay off our mortgage for us, enabling us to pursue our acting careers.

I am currently appearing as a young doctor in that well-known comedy playhouse, the Leicester Royal Infirmary, although patients do seem to be in short supply, with few volunteering to be placed in my care, for fear that they disappear without trace while in it, resulting in war with Portugal; Cilla is reprising her role as a Child Welfare Expert, on Breakfast TV and on Channel Dave.

People may have forgotten that we are the victims here and in view of our Oscar disappointment we remind them that they can send us money, as much and for as long as they like.
Cash preferred. No unhelpful questions asked.

Please, help us find our Oscar.”



thanks to editor mr. verge, there are now three anthologies of the collected works of ishmael smith:

Honest Not Invent, Vent Stack  and Ishmael’s Blues are all available from Lulu and Amazon. If you buy from Amazon, it would be nice if you could give a review on their website.
Ishmaelites wishing to buy a copy from lulu should follow these steps :

Thanks to editor mr. verge, there are now three anthologies of the collected works of ishmael smith:
Honest Not Invent, Vent Stack  and Ishmael’s Blues are all available from Lulu and Amazon. If you buy from Amazon, it would be nice if you could give a review on their website.
Ishmaelites wishing to buy a copy from lulu should follow these steps :
please register an account first, at This is advisable because otherwise paypal seems to think it's ok to charge in dollars, and they then apply their own conversion rate, which might put the price up slightly for a UK buyer. Once the new account is set up, follow one of the links below (to either paperback or hardback) or type "Ishmael’s Blues" into the Lulu Bookstore search box.  Click on the “show explicit content” tab, give the age verification box a date of birth such as 1 January 1960, and proceed.
Link for Hardcover :
Link for Paperback :
At checkout, try WELCOME15 in the coupon box, which (for the moment) takes 15% off the price before postage.  If this code has expired by the time you reach this point, try a google search for " voucher code" and see what comes up.  
With the 15% voucher, PB (including delivery to a UK address) should be £16.84; HB £27.04.


Mike said...

Its hard to come to any other conclusion with L'affaire Lineker other than its bread-n-circuses time in the UK. The mob must be appeased before they realise what is happening.

Its a slightly different tune in the US. 2 banks failed in the last couple of days. It looks like they will bail out the depositors, but this is merely a sticking plaster on a systemic, terminal cancer.

I'm also starting to come to the conclusion that the virus thingy, and now even the war against Russia, was an attempt to buy time and deflect from the inevitable financial crash in the west.

What the war on Russia has exposed, starkly, is that there are two types of economies: one fake based on selling each other "services", not backed by resources and real manufacturing, and propped up by lies, PR, spin and propaganda. Ie the West. Then there is the other 85% of the world's population which increasingly recognises the fraud and bullying colonialism, and is now saying a resounding FU. De-dollarisation is accelerating beyond anyone's expectations and thereby goes the US's and the collective west's grip. And beyond mere economics, the rest of the world is rejecting the western "culture".

So, the headlines are dominated by whether Gary Crisps is offering his wisdom on MOTD, or not.

mongoose said...

It doesn't matter who you vote for. The government always gets in.

The BBC? OK, let's be kind and pretend that I didn't hear the Today Prog's Brian Redhead ask a Labour politician "live" on air if "we" are going to "get in". Let's pretend that the BBC is impartial. And then let's try to pretend that the cave-in over the w/e has not had a pivot against the Devil Chairman, who is apparently a Conservative backer. And then let's pretend that all the other bastards are not upon their long march through the institutions.

But one day a fence comes. And one has to jump over it. Naomi Wolf has met her fence and jumped it. The Jan 6th BS is just that. Credit to Naomi. This is how it starts. The cognitive dissonance is too much, the brain seethes and bubbles, stuff comes out of your nostrils and the truth has to be uttered. And now, Naomi, are you brave enough to ask why?

ultrapox said...

kommandant gary gatekeeper has always taken his thirty pieces of bbc-silver for promoting the never-ending genocide of neo-imperialist war: regardless of his contract, he should, as a respected figure-of-football and alleged left-wing humanitarian, be criticizing our war-mongering neo-liberal establishment even more, not less - shouting louder against biden's bloody nato-aggression, not condoning the corrupt arming of nazis in ukraine, or of islamists in syria; gatekeeper's participation in petty party-political point-scoring is but wanky white window-dressing for his innate fascism and life-enriching membership of a racially repressive neo-colonial establishment - an ultra-rightwing institution founded upon, and funded by, eu-approved blood-minerals from africa and obligatory oil-war in the middle-east.

the man's not only a social sell-out, but a crypto-neo-con - and no doubt about it.

as mrs ishmael has correctly surmised, the nub of this entire argument is - the myth of - bbc-impartiality.

well, what fucking impartiality is that, mr gravy?

do you mean the impartiality exhibited by the bbc in its coverage of the great british brexit-debate, perhaps...?

or the impartiality famously exhibited by the bbc in its coverage of the 2016 united states presidential election - between trump and clinton...?

or the impartiality exhibited by the bbc in its coverage of the 2020 united states presidential election - between trump and biden...?

or the impartiality insidiously exhibited by the bbc in its promotion of government-fabricated covid-statistics...?

or the impartiality exhibited by the bbc in its promotion of the government's genocidal lockdown-policy...?

or the impartiality exhibited by the bbc in its obsessive promotion of the government's deadly covid-vaccine-programme...?

or the impartiality exhibited by the bbc in its perpetration of the great climate-emergency hoax...?

or the impartiality exhibited by the bbc in its perpetration of the great aids-virus hoax...?

or maybe you simply refer to the impartiality exhibited by the bbc in its drive to force nato-propaganda down the public throat and disguise the responsibility of western intelligence services for their insidious ignition of the ukraine war?

it's high-time the bbc lost its poverty-promulgating - yet ever élite-enriching - licence...

and it's about time neocon-news-on-four fucked off too, the establishment arse-kissing cunts.

impartiality, my aunt fanny

ultrapox said...

perhaps mr tim gravy should spend more time investigating the left-wing cabal of bbc-celebs who, from a position of privilege, consider it politically appropriate to stalk, intimidate, and actually poison any artiste or commentator deemed:

a) not to share their 'progressive' agenda.

b) to be a 'conservative'.

c) to be 'euro-sceptic'.

d) to look a bit 'jewish'.

e) to be an incorrigible critic of washington and westminster's war-mongering neo-imperialist establishment.

f) to be an outspoken critic of the neo-liberal - and genocide-loving - labour-party.

g) to produce better quality, or just more interesting, material than they themselves.

indeed, for any director at broadcasting house to claim that - elderly and disabled - family-members of the above-categorized have not also been systematically targeted by labour-backed bbc-criminals, would be wholly inaccurate and disingenuous.

time to disband this heaving pile of british establishment horseshit, forever...

and the labour party likewise.

ultrapox said...

given the bbc's undying default-support for the never-ending neo-liberal bloodlust of biden, johnson, and starmer, it's frankly a bit of a bloody stretch to label as 'left-wing' this very british bastion of the neo-imperialist establishment.

fortunately, on every occasion the bbc lies about the existence of a climate-emergency, a safe coronavirus-vaccine, a deadly coronavirus-pandemic, or the necessity for a genocidal lockdown, it loses thousands of viewers and listeners.

britain's evil neo-colonial aunty has totally fucking lost the plot - and now comprises little more than a virtue-signalling vagina.

mrs ishmael said...

Thanks, mr mongoose, for the link to Naomi Wolf's apology for believing the lies of the Democrats surrounding the protest march to the Capitol building on January 6th. Very interesting stuff. I tried to follow her link to the "infamous pee-tapes" because they were not sufficiently infamous to have presented themselves to my attention - but the link told me all about the American National Archive. What are the pee-tapes, please, ishmaelites?
And thank you, mr ultrapox, for your excoriating and comprehensive denunciation of the GBC's lack of impartiality. A wee bit depressing, that. And I'm beginning to suspect that there's some truth in your distrust of the Covid vaccine - as increasing numbers of friends, acquaintances and neighbours seem to be suffering from illnesses that don't get better. One person I know, and rather rely upon as running a vital small business in our community, is in hospital for the 50th day, now fed through a gastro-nasal tube since her digestive system has gone into melt-down following a chest infection. What? really? Another acquaintance has torn the muscles between her ribs by coughing - a cough that has persisted all year. A friend has cancelled her commitments until after Easter as she can't shake off her cough and fatigue. And these are not the illnesses of extreme old age - these are all fit, active women in strong middle-age, living in the healthiest part of Scotland. And, thank you for enquiring, feeling very tired myself, most days. I kind of dimly remember joie de vivre, just about.

mongoose said...

The Pee Tapes, mrs i, are the imaginary videos of the Great Orange Beast allegedly engaging in err, off-piste sexual practices that were part of the election smear of his first election campaign.

mrs ishmael said...

Wow. Golden Showers and all that?

ultrapox said...

i'm sorry mrs ishmael, but i've long been concerned about the creeping tide of marxist infiltration within the bbc-sports commentary-team, and have to concur with the conservatives on this match-of-the-day pantomime: arseacre is just no jimmy thrill.

brian rough said...

now, concerning these folks who cross the channel in little rubber-boats: they gotta be bloody silly buggers to risk their lives coming here to this old dump

"big wrong" zutingsum said...

what a weekend of discontent, eh...?

laugh? i damn-near pissed myself, the fucking progressive pansies...

but honestly now: i reckon immigration has greatly enriched my life...

and so in order to establish a legal route for asylum-seekers, why not let all these wops try out for albion?

sir geoff boorcock said...

yes indeed, ron: immigration has certainly exerted a very positive influence upon this country's prospects...

take for example, yorkshire county cricket club: indisputably the greatest team in the world...

but only coz it's fucking full of pakis

jimmy grievous said...

yer know, as it 'appens... me 'an the missus went on 'oliday to albania - an' very nice it was too, i might add...

an' so i suppose what i'm trying ter say is, well... if us brits're allowed ter go 'n stay over there, then why shoun't the albanians be allowed to come 'ere...?

yeah right...what's so funny about that, saint?

the saint said...

err... well, i'm sorry to have to break this to you, greavsie... but i just saw our mate jimmy hillbilly being stretchered-off...

jimmy grievous said...

what really...?

oh dear...

i can assure you it were completely accidental, saint...


ultrapox said...

in my view, the chairmanship of bbc question time also requires urgent change: better to boot out neo-liberal bimbo fiona-the-bruce, and instead bring in a sincere and competent journalist - who commands a proper understanding of westminster politics - such as jo coburn.

ultrapox said...

i'm very sorry to hear of your on-going health-problems, mrs ishmael.

in hospital-cases, a course of steroids seems to be the go-to treatment for all things covid: steroids and anti-biotics for the unshiftable cough and, in theory, steroids for the vaccine-induced auto-immune haemolytic anaemia - however, since the nhs is politically disinclined to investigate the cause of anaemias which present mysteriously post-vaccination - and therefore tends to advance only a simple diagnosis of iron-deficiency anaemia - the treatment offered for such a condition may be limited to blood and iron tranfusions, which can evidently also prove effective.

the housewife and nurse's remedy for the anaemia-generated fatigue is actually a daily dose of vitamin-c with zinc, which is available from your local tesco's and can work wonders - predominately because vitamin c and zinc supplements enhance the body's ability to absorb iron.

should your diet and lifestyle not provide sufficient intake of vitamin-d, this might equally be advisable as a supplement - but only at the recommended level.

best of luck

mrs ishmael said...

Thank you, mr ultrapox - I shall try vitamin C plus zinc - good tip. I already take daily vitamin D, because here in the northern isles from October to March there is very limited daylight, almost constant cloud cover and, when the sun does break through, the angle of inclination is so low that it provides only 40% of the sunlight that Kew receives.
I'll be a lot better when the Spring properly arrives, then become manic with energy until autumn. It's a sort of annual Circadian rhythm, necessitating black-out blinds in the summer and SAD lamps in the winter.