Phantasm Fishing Fleet commits Acts Of War

 Yesterday, the sub-sea internet cable from Orkney to Shetland was cut, causing internet outage to the Shetland Isles. This was a few days after the sub-sea internet cable from Shetland to the Faroe Isles was similarly cut. What a coincidence, we cry! A very rare juxtaposition of events, declared officialdom. Caused by fishing vessels dragging their anchor cables across the heavily-armoured sub-sea cables. That's alright, then, we reply. We understand. Accidents do happen. Lightning does strike twice in the same place.

 

Until Rear Admiral Chris Parry (ret'd), C.B.E.,  former Director Operational Capability in the Ministry of Defence  and former Commander Amphibious Task Group, spilled the beans on Radio Orkney this morning. Radio Orkney is great - everything from a swan flew into the windscreen of the school bus in Burray to Mrs. Flett, a wifey from Birsay, won the best in show marmalade and dahlia award to yes, didn't you know, we're at war with Russia.

 

Rear Admiral Chris scoffed at the suggestion of the phantasm fishing fleet with dodgy anchors. Ho ho, he said, these sub-sea internet cables are like, armoured, man, armature built to withstand the stresses of the North Sea. Some random anchor isn't going to slice them in half. And beside, satellite images don't show any boats in the vicinity of either event. Nah, he went on, its the Russians. They've got specialised undersea cable attack vessels. They were doing it to the Scandies a while back, but they dropped depth charges on 'em, so they've fucked off to Britain.

But why, manfully asked the Radio Orkney interviewer, aware he'd either got the scoop of the year or a loony by the tail, would the Russians want to cut the internet cables of Shetland and the Faroe Isles?

Because they don't like us, confided Rear Admiral Chris. They don't like our support for Ukraine. Britain is supplying drone weaponry to Ukraine manufactured in Northern Ireland. Why wouldn't Russia chip away at Britain, exploiting weaknesses, picking off easy targets, creating pockets of isolation, costing resources and man hours to fix the damage? We need to adopt a Scandie defence strategy, drop some depth charges and coat them cables with concrete.

 

So, if you don't hear from me for a while, it will be because they pesky Rooskies have sliced the Orkney sub-sea cable.

We need a North Sea Fleet, parked up in Scapa Flow, just as in the First and Second World Wars. Handy for defending Britain's Island Counties and positioned to keep an eye on the North and Baltic Seas. Bit of a threat, like.

See where Orkney is? The first archipelago off the north coast of Scotland. Track your eyes eastward, past Norway, Sweden, Estonia, and there you go - Russia. No point in parking the boats in Portsmouth.  Track your eyes northwards - see those little things, look like dog droppings to the north of the mainland - so far and so small they are usually popped into a little box on the telly weather maps - first they came for Faroe. Then they came for Shetland. Then they'll come for Orkney. 

Then there's the electricity sub-sea cables. You know all that green-speak about Orkney being self-sufficient in electricity? That we generate more than we could ever use if we left the lights and heating on 24/7, ran washing machines and dryers continuously? Fucking rubbish. The electricity is generated on the Island Counties, sent down the cables to the National Grid, then sent back up again to be sold in expensive little units, just like for the rest of you. If the Russian cable cutters get busy on those sub-sea cables it really will be a long dark winter.

This is where all that gung-ho gets you.