Wednesday 3 August 2011


And we are joined now by the BBC's Economics Editor, Stephanie Tits, in Washingtton. 

Stephanie,  your father was one half of Tits and Swan, wasn't he, what can you tell us about the debt crisis which could engulf the world, again?  Yes, he used to mouth irritating faux-sardonic songs from his wheelchair, tuxedo up top and normally covered  up in a plaid blankie, down below, whilst the other geezer 

tinkled the ivories.So you could say, Gavin, that clearly journalism is in my blood.

  Yes, dunno what Simon Cowell'd make of that sort of  an act, a singing cripple.  But talking about cripples, how's President Obama gonna come out of this? 

Well, the crisis is over, Gavin, for now at any rate.  Basically what happened was that something nearly happened, but didn't, in fact, it was never gonna happen but being journalists we had to pretend that it might happen, otherwise there's no point in me being here to cover it.  I mean, clearly, everybody knew that it wasn't ever gonna happen but everybody had to go through the motions ......

A bit like one of those  backbench Labour rebellions, all piss and wind...???

Yes, that's right Jeremy, it was, as we economists say, all piss and wind, all got up to frighten the voters. What they do is they tell people that they're not gonna get their pensions or salaries or anything and then they say Oh, alright then, but we'll have to cut them right back, now, which would you prefer, no salaries and pensions at all or most of your salary being diverted to the richest people in the world and you keeping a little of it? It's a no-brainer, as we economists say......
it's what the Coalition is doing, here, frightening everybody, setting groups of workers against one another and siphoning all the money off for its friends, giving tax breaks to people who hardly pay any tax at all.

You mean like Georhe Osborne letting his mates at Vodasphone off billions of pounds in tax?

Yes, Gavin, that's right, and blaming the nurses and teachers for it, it's what we economists call divide and rule,  But you know that, anyway, we're all part of it, you and I, the BBC, our colleagues at skymadeupnewsandfilth, everyone in MediaMinster.  Just as long as we keep on telling people that there's no alternative to them having their living standards halved,  there's no alternative to an unelected govament of spivs and chancers, and there's certainly no alternative to the financial terrorists raping the assets of entire countries then our jobs're safe, simple economics, really. No point in us slinging mud, mud, glorious mud at the people who employ us. I mean, I didn't come into showbusiness to offend rich people.  There'll be another crisis along shortly, to keep people on their toes, and keep me flying around the world at taxpayers' expense.  there's fucking dozens of us here, just now, covering this made-up nonsense for the BBC.

Thanks Stephanie and enjoy the shopping in Washington.  That was Stephanie Tits, our economics editor, there; yes, I know, beggars belief, but she has fucked half the Labour front bench. And now, it must be nearly ten minutes since we've had a weather update, so over now to Cindy Tits, who has the latest for us. 



mrs narcolept said...

But suppose no one paid them, the financial terrists, whoever they are, what would happen? If the ultimate culprits are pension funds why can't we just cut out the middle bit and guarantee our own pensions?

I am confused, not that it matters, I suppose. But I can't help wondering why there isn't an alternative. These people we somehow owe this money to, they don't live on a different planet, do they?

And I am feeling sorry for President Obama. Just because he has turned out to be useless does not mean that the Mad Hatters were not doing this mainly to undermine him.

Oh and another thing, the Olympics. Now they are telling us not to use public transport during them. I am beginning to think we might as well go and live permanently in my dear mr narcolept's Highland bothy or croft or what I call hovel, drains or no drains.

call me ishmael said...

There are many reasons we insist that Scotland is the best part of England, mrs n, and the opportunity to acquire a self-sufficient hovel with some land and water would be one of them. I fancy one myself, when my days labouring as a mansekeeper draw to an end; I fancy an end to Stuff.

Anonymous said...

There's a slow train coming ... to Chorlton-cum-Hardy and Chester-le-Street?

mongoose said...

I don't know what Steph is smoking but it must be good stuff. Has she not noticed that the USA is functionally bankrupt? As is Greece, obviously, and Portugal, and Ireland, but also as is Spain and as is Italy. Italy is in worse shape than Greece IMHO, populated, as it is, by idle, corrupt fuckers who wouldn't know a day's work if they didn't have to watch Albanians and Africans slaving to keep their country functioning. That's almost half a billion people living in supposedly developed countries without two pennies to rub together. And nobody cares. Move the BBC to Manchester? About five hundred miles further west is where we need to move the buggers.

Dick the Prick said...

Olives seem to be coming nicely down in price. About time too those robbing Wop bastards.

Apparently Italy's virtually insulated because it's economy is 40% black market.

yardarm said...

Mrs N. If we weren`t carrying the City then we could afford a decent state pension for all, public and private sector. About as much chance of that happening as Barry Bullshit demonstrating some leadership skills or the BBC explaining why they aren`t spending a billion quid on programmes but moving to Manchester.

mongoose said...

You see, Mr DtP, I had not considered that. It used to be the case in Ireland too. Perhaps it still is.

a young Anglo-Irish catholic said...

Sad to say mr yardarm, it is not the case...'If we weren`t carrying the City'

A one-off bailout after half the world suffered a massive property crash (caused by governments holding down interest rates, the sub-prime collapse which was caused by Obama and co making a law forcing the banks to give out loans to idiots and the one-size-doesn't fit all Euro interest rate) is not 'carrying'.

The tax from this year's bonus round is £7bn at least....

The world has run out of money. There's nothing left to borrow even if we printed the fucking stuff.

yardarm said...

Agree with the running out of money, Mr yaic. We here, in Ishmalia see it but the politicians and central bankers don`t. Or more likely do, but dare not even whisper it.

Dick the Prick said...

If Germany and France get fucked out of this then they've only got themselves to blame. It's the CAP that's fucked it. How come all olive oil products suddenly seem about reasonable value? Cartels are being destroyed and it's damn good sport.

It's not much of a thought but the Japanese nuclear 'disaster' seems awfully convenient. Tsunami was a tad unlucky, though. Even so, it insulates them domestically against a corrupt China. The Japs have a better understanding of honour than do the Chinks. If those dumb sucky fuckies have bought $14 trillion of US spunk then all the best to 'em.

Must say, am loving watching Germans sgut the fuck up. Utter, utter wankers. I guess a shit army is better than no army.

mongoose said...

I think that rather than say that the world has run out of money, although it has, we could say that the world has run out of ways to pretend that a lot of what we call money/wealth/capital isn't in fact worth anything. This paper could then be burned in the street this winter to at least keep the homeless warm.

call me ishmael said...

The homeless can keep warm by marching, mr mongoose, from town to town, looking for the jobs being created by govament, like getting on their bikes, only they can't afford bikes.

I bought a mountain bike from Tesco recently - forty quid down from eighty down from a hundred and twenty, treasure from China, even so, hope my LandRover turns up by winter, the petrol bombs should just bounce off it, if there's any petrol to make bombs with.