ARE YOU RUINOUS? (asks a Mexican journalist)

 

THE NUTTER WITH THE STUTTER SPEAKS, AFTER A FASHION.

Well, no, what I am doing as the first Prime Minister in history to eat snot on TV, I mean as the first Prime Minister in history to tackle the system of bungs and graft in the parliament and not in the government this is a matter for parliament even though the government is in parliament and sweep it all under the carpet before anyone found out only the Telegraph beat me to it but it is more than a matter of changing a few nameplates it is a matter of the system and so there is no need for a general election because homeless families and small goneoutofbusinesses up and down the country expect me to concentrate on the things that matter to them and that is why I had Comrade Murdoch install me a sports package and bill the homeless people for it because when you live in two places or have several homes as most of us do this is what happens and it's not a matter of changing a few nameplates and so I was able, even though unless I print some more of my magic currency there’s no money for fuck all never mind Mrs Jowell’s Olympics, to attend the launch of our bid to bring the world Hula-Hooping Cup to England in 2018 and it is by taking action like this that I can do the right thing by our decent citizens squatting in derelict buildings, in hostels and in drug dens up and down the country, I go out and meet them, you know, and see our nation through the recession which started in America and out the other side, weaker, thinner and poorer only not me, nor indeed Mr Gorbals who has given such a fine period of many, many decades of public disservice. Doing nothing is not an option which is why in the case of Mrs Hazel Dwarf I am doing it because although what she did was unacceptable it was acceptably unacceptable in that she didn’t break any of the rules which she and other members had made for themselves because quite frankly they are quite flexible and I simply say that by acting like an unprincipled, two-faced greedy slag Mrs Dwarf has acted in the best traditions of parliament and brought to light that it is little more than a nest of Sodom and Gomorrahing thieves and has been for centuries but one which I can swiftly change with some of my Sol-You-Shuns, this is what you do, you find Sol-you-shuns and address them somewhere, even though it is parliament’s task and not government’s but I will do it anyway and there is no need for a general election to throw members out on their arses because in the meantime I will be getting on with doing the right thing and she is just the sort of person we need round the cabinet table, Mrs Dwarf, and as for the charge of me taking no action when I discovered that my principle financial adviser Sir Mr Fred Pensions of Scotland, the best part of England, was a useless thieving bastard, good, as the Poles say, for fuck all, my first reaction was to condemn him in my own personal court of public opinion and declare that he could not keep his pension with the unmistakeable result that he has, so there you have it, everything I do is Trans-pair-ent and this is what we need to get us through whichever crisis it is today, trans-pair-ency and sol-you-shuns will bring us through. Claw of Ruin: Clunk,Clunk, Clunk…..

(Sings, in a doleful, brown, Fife voice: I’m the urban spaceman, Baby, I can fly, I’m a supersonic guy, I wake up in the morning with snot all over my face…… etc etc)

Mexican journalist: Thank you, Mr Prime Minister and please don’t ever visit Meh-ico, por favour, Senor, we are poor farmers and cannot be doing with this shit, innit, Ole and Hasta la Vista, Hombre.