Sunday, 17 July 2011

THE NEWS OF ISHMAELIA. BRITAIN'S GREATEST REDTOP SUNDAY PAPER.

EDITORIAL.



For  more than thirty years,  skymadeupnewsandfilth  has corrupted and debased the public discourse, has prematurely  sexualised our children, has cynically entered into anti-democratic power pacts with all-too-willing, verminous political careerists and most recently has urged tax breaks, bail-outs and bonuses for the already over-wealthy, whilst peddling the erosion of such few advances as have been achieved, post-war, by decent working people - or parasites, benefit cheats and idlers in non-jobs, as we must now call one another.

Never mind a  penalty-free resignation and a wealthy pseudo-retirement, touring the TeeVee studios and advising in the boardrooms of lesser forms of filth, Brooks should be in jail, along with Cameron,  Blair,  Brown,  the Murdochs and the whole rotten cabal in MediaMinster and New Scotland Yard.

If some teenage techno-geek had behaved as have our journalists, the press would be calling for his lengthy imprisonment;  one can hear the unspeakable Kelvin McKenzie, on Question Time, snarling in his charmless Essex way for the reintroduction of the death penalty for anyone vile enough to hack into the late Miss Dowler's 'phone;  hanging is too good for them, he would say, to the cheers of Sun readers everywhere.

Murdoch cannot remain so poisonously active forever and, on recent appearances, his son, James,  owes his position to his kinship rather than to any apparent ability, he is a jargonising gabshite and   should he  inherit  skymadeupnewsandfilth  his tenure will be brief and ruinous, Time, if not the house of commons, will break the Murdoch spell.

Big Al sheds a tear, not for dead Iraqi babies,
but for his book royaltiues, or his football club, or his depression.
 That is no reason, however, to share in Alastair Sexy Dossier Campbell's view that Brooks's is a personal tragedy, nor the wider assesment, in MediaMinster, that this wretched, creepy  creature has been a great journalist; she has not, like Campbell, she has been a national pollutant and if Parliament had any balls it would be demanding that an external force investigate this whole stinking matter, with a view to prosecuting wrongdoers, rather than placating public opinion; so, too, should  we all.


A prime minister with his employer.

Another prime minister with his employer.
------------------------------------------------------------


FROM THE HOUSE OF COMMONS.





Mr Tiny Speaker:
I call the Prime Minister, Mr David Cameron


Now listen, it's quite simple, Mr Tiny Speaker, in establishing a full and far-reaching cover-up, or a Hutton,  which I was against half an hour ago, I am showing the leadership which the house has come to expect of me,  that is, none at all, except when it comes to withdrawing benefits from poor people and giving them, instead, to the wealth creators.  As for  Mr Coulson, well, the party opposite had thirteen years to bring him into Downing Street and what did they do? Exactly, Mr Tiny Speaker, they did nothing, so I won't be taking any lectures on malpractice from them.

Tory & LibDem cheers.

As for the  proposed acquisition by my boss, Mr Rupert Murdoch, of BskyB I have supported this all along which is why I am now so very against it and will be voting the same way as the wind is blowing and I can assure the house that it has nothing to do with principle - as if - and is, if I may say so, another example of my leadership,  demonstrating, as I follow the leaders of the other two parties,  all honourable and right honourable members of this house and everybody in the country, and, indeed, the world, this demonstrates that I am my own man, never better at leading than when I am following someone else, doing as I'm told, especially by NewsCorp. Only not now, fuck no, Mr Tiny Speaker.

There are of course, questions for Sir Paul Gob to answer, Mr Tiny Speaker, he needs to give answers  as to why he is a vile, useless turd, in the finest traditions of the Met,  sitting on the top, Mr Seaker of a shitheap of  greedy, dishonest and often brutal  ...well, I can only call them criminals and I would remind the house, Mr Speaker, that Sir Paul was appointed by my good friend and vicious rival, The Mayor of London,


 or BoJo, as he is known by the cocaine-dealing and prostitution industries . Be that as it may, I am resolved to clean-up Mayor Johnson's mess and to that end I have appointed, whilst Sir Paul is fixing the evidence in his favour,  a world-famous detective to look into....well, to look into all this shit, which is not my fault and I am pleased to announce that, running in tandem with Lord Justice Slag's enquiry, a full  and far-reaching  cover-up will be undertaken by M'sieu Hercule Poirot and his team, Mr Captain Hastings and Mr Inspector Japp.

The Poirot Enquiry Team.


Sir Paul Gob of News International

I must say, worshipful brother Cameron, that I don't care for being investigated by the little dago.....



Mais non, Poirot is not le dago, Commissionaire, 'e is Belgique. And anyway, Iyam 'ere to arrest M. le Snot, the previous prime minister and expose 'eem for the cochon that he is. ... Inspector Japp, if you would be so good........



I say, Poirot, wouldn't it  be best if you left that 'til later. I mean, it looks to me as if this whole place is full of bounders, certainly don't like the look of that Cameron chappie and as for that cove sat next to him, nodding......

 Monsieur le Clegg, but 'e is the prime minister deputee, n'est ce pas?  Although it has been whispered in Poirot's ear that this Clegg fellow, he leads a party of degenerates and  what you call the steel hoofs....


Liberal Democrats celebrate the Coalition,
Mr Heath, left, taking Mr Clegg for walkies.


Iron, Poirot, iron hoofs...

Steel hoofs, iron hoofs, what matters it, mon ami, so long as it rhymes with poofs? Tell to me,  please, 'Astings, 'ow eet is that the whole of the front bench of the 'ouse of commoners, it is full of brigands an', owyousay, ragtoes?

Well, Poirot, that's the thing, they're all  perfect rotters but they and the newspapers all pretend that they're jolly good chaps, really, apart from Mr Snot, of course, who everybody hates - even himself, I understand - when in fact they are all working for Crime Internationale.

Ah, oui, d'accord, the old lines, between left and right, they are merged, now, and all work for GlobaCorp fascism, but never mind their lack of principles,   they think that by appointing the most famous detective in the world they  will see themselves let off Scottish-free, non? But they understimate Poirot an 'is leedle grey cells and it all becomes clear; it is as my good friend, M'sieu Ishmael describes it, we 'ave been appointed  to effect le cover-up far reaching and  serieux an' 'elp get the real criminals off the hook,  these people, they are quite beyond the post, n'est c pas?

The pale, Poirot, the pale...

Oui, precisement.


Now look here, Poirot, are you really saying that my guvnor, the top copper in the Met, has been paying criminals a thousand pounds a day to advise ordinary coppers? 

Oui, certainement, Chief Inspector, he is as bent as owyousay the eleven bob note, his men rampage violently among the citizenry, every station sergeant in London is taking bribes from Mrs Brookes-Wade - a most strange creature, androgynous, the sort of boyish waif,  over which old men, well, never mind,  Japp,  let us not concern ourselves  with the sewer minds of the elderly - and he and his senior officers are both in the pay of le skymadeupnewsandfilth and paying large sums of taxpayer money to sky criminals. It is a situation almost incredible.

Well, I never, I dunno what Mrs Japp is going to say about all this.

You must do your best to reassure her, and we must hope that in her disconcertement she does not burn your, what is it, tripe and onions, or is it le faggottes and peas, which you so relish, Chief Inspector. And now we will please  assemble everyone concerned.

Bon, and now, ladies and gentlemen, Poirot will proceed. First, we come to the matter of who has been in bed, so to speak, with the filthy devils of the press and, I must confess, it is easier, is it not, to decide who has not. All, in one way or another have been involved in this scandal. What scandal, I hear you ask. Why, it is nothing less than the betrayal of the British people. Yes, the very people who have elected you, you have all put the interests of M'sieu Murdoch and Mr Dacre and filthy Mr Desmond and the tres pecliar Brothers Barclay above those of the people. And for this you all stand condemned. And it is like the larcenous expenses behaviour, in which you all treated the public as a large pissoir, n'est ce pas, no, do not insult Poirot with your feeble excuses. Why, M'sieu le prime minister, should the taxpayers buy you Wisteria bushes, and you a multi-millionaire, what possible explanation can you offer for buying shrubbery at the taxpayers expense.? And, as for all of your promises, a referendum, no privatisation, no wars, they were not worth a hatful of roasted snow; cast iron? Mais non,  they are just cast aside, M'sieu Cameron, as you soon will be. And now you have the impertinence to come to this place and  slander Mr Coulson, who is still your regular dinner guest, n'est ce pas, you must think all are as tres stupide as Milord Prescott, the famous cock-waving nincompoop, and you think your broken promises are no more than a storm in an eggcup.......


It's a teacup, actually, Poirot.....

'Astings you will kindly refrain from correcting Poirot in mid-denouement, the trouble with you Anglaises is that you think that because Poirot is Belgian that he knows fuck nothing, but let me assure you, my friend, Poirot knows fuck all.

Well,  to continue the explanation, M'sieu CallHimDave,  it is quite simple, it is that you are a rotten, lying,  greedy bastard, is it not?  And just along the bench from you, is another, M'sieu Spit-Gove, the minister for les ecoles;

former lifelong Murdoch hack, Michael Spit-Gove,
the poorest man in the cabinet, bless.

did he not work for M'sieu Murdoch for twenty years, even whilst serving as an MP, even whilst he was a front bench spokesman. How is this possible?  Should not an MP be doing purely MP work and not working for the piss-pauvre Times, attacking the right of all to free education and setting up the private schools by the back door, Zut alors, if proof were needed that the wretched Spit-Gove was guilty, just look at those who support him, like Mr Toby Young,

Page Three boy Toby Young.

 the  revolting arriviste, who wants only the best for his own ugly children and cares nothing for those of others. And you all  have l'imperTinence to call this le society grande. Imagine, if you will, 'Astings, a nurse or a schoolteacher saying to his or her employers, I'm off now to my other job, writing bilge for Mr Murdoch, just keep paying my salaray and I will submit my expenses every month as usual;  what, the  operating theatre or the classroom, oh no, I do not need to be there.

And look yet again, at M'sieu Andrew Spivsley,



who concerns himself most assiduously, in selling off a health service which is not his to sell to a gang of bandits who employ him, surreptitieuxment. Indeed, one wonders if they are the same people who paid him, by his own reluctant admission a sum of fifty thousand pounds,  oui, fifty thousand pounds per year, whilst he was opposition spokesman for health, in exchange for his advice, as he called it.

They are everywhere, 'Astings, les suspects, even le committee to oversee les flics and les gendarmes and le surete,  it is is  led by a crook, who has no shame.



M'sieu Oily Vaz, he is so discredited he has such an idee grande about himself, why, I tell to you, 'Astings, that this creature once described himself as the most important cashancarry merchant in Britain. No. the leg Poirot is not pulling, vain and puffed up and sleazy and yet he is in charge of investigating Chief Inspector Japp's profession. Is it not truly staggering? What the English will tolerate?

Poirot could go on all day about this place but with few exceptions it is rotten to the core, as rotten as the newspaper proprietors with whom they are all in bed. It is, mon ami,  on all sides a cesspit, it is beyond cleansing or reform;  there is only one  solution to the British 'ouse of commoners and it is one that les Francaises have deployed with some success.

Good Lord,  Poirot you don't mean..........

Mais oui, 'Astings, it is the only solution, pour encourager les autres......


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And finally.

In the colour supplement

PAGE THREE STUNNA


An old man's number one fancy, is it a boy, or a girl?  
Flame-haired temptress Beka, 
she  knows how to get the senior citizen going.

We at the News of Ishmaelia wish Mr Murdoch a profound and sincere heart attack at the earliest possible opportunity, the filthy old shit.

Next week:  The Dowlers, How Mr Murdoch was really nice to us.



UPDATE 

HACKING SLAG BROOKS  NICKED BY OLD BILL
CALLHIMDAVE COMPROMISED.

This from Reuters.

TIM BALE, PROFESSOR OF POLITICS, UNIVERSITY OF SUSSEX (says)

"I think this was pretty uncomfortable for Cameron already and it will get more uncomfortable now over the next week. It brings the whole thing closer to him. If one believes all the talk of a 'Chipping Norton' set, it reinforces this impression of a cozy elite at the top of the media/political complex."
Regarding Brooks' appearance before parliament, he said:
"I'm not sure she can appear now. I would have thought it difficult for MPs to ask questions or for her to answer without prejudicing any criminal proceedings down the line."
"I can't think of any precedents for anybody being invited to appear who is already under suspicion."
(Reporting by Mohammed Abbas and Keith Weir; Editing by Elizabeth Fullerton)

21 comments:

Agie said...

Magnificent assessment.

Oldrightie said...

Terrific but I still side with NI and against the Parliamentarians. They use our money to peddle their filth, aided and abetted, to borrow your jargon, Sir, BBCmadeupexcrement.

a young Anglo-Irish catholic said...

*wild applause*

Belgique rendered as perfectly as EastStanislavsian.

a young Anglo-Irish catholic said...

I think I agree with Oldrightie.

What we're seeing is an an attempt to flatten righish hackery.

It could be quite serious.

Outed said...

Hmmm Rusty nailed.

Mike said...

Masterfull parody - only one problem, that Beka looks very much like my wife (I could be in trouble if she reads this).

Edgar said...

With a bit of luck, Mr Mike, she will soon be looking more like your hamster.

M, Hercule Poirot, detective extraordinaire said...

But tell to me, please, M'sieu Jeune Anglo-Irlandaise-Catholic or 'owever vous s'appellez vous, is it not the case that everybody in MediaMinster is now le rightish-winger.

mongoose said...

It is all unraveling, is it not? Wonderful to see the Met Commissioner done and dusted. "An honourable man doing the honourable thing", says the Beeb. Fuck that. Corrupt copper and corrupt copper's wife take 12 grand recuperation beano and get found out is what happened. In the register about to published, my fat spotty backside.

On the other front, Rebekahkah will now be spared a gutting at Tuesday's Vaz Show - sub judice and all that jazz. This means that - Rupert having already declined to attend - either he will recant and do a bit of weeping in the witness box or son James will be handed his head. Could be a good show if it wasn't the swine Vaz doing the work.

Trouble is, Boris Freakin' Johnson could be PM by Christmas and then we are fucked for sure.

lilith said...

It is all very rum.

call me ishmael said...

If Cameron resigns or is pushed, doesn't that make El Cleggo PM?

Boris is currently favourite of course but I am sure that even among the Parliamentary Tory Party the Bullingdon lustre is tarnished to invisibility - just how many fuck-ups, U-turns and misjudgements can an unelected prime minister make.

And how long can non-ministerial DogShooters sit on their hands.

Another possibility, in my view, is the election of someone like Dave Davies, the collapse of the Coalition and a general election, which Labour would win.

mongoose said...

Your anslysis is sound, Mr Ishmael, except that El Cleggo is the one on the bottom with his cheeks wide. Never, ever in this world will he be the top dog. A man of constant sorrow, he'll see trouble all his days.

Cameron is safe enough for now from outside attack because he is a terrible bastard who knows that this cancer is about to take to Jesus the whole fucking lot of them. It is just an Expensesgate 2. Nobody wins; everybody loses. And if everybody loses, the best politician wins. And madly, can it really be true, he is the best politician. Or maybe Letwin is. I think it's Letwin running the strategy gig. No evidence; just a hunch. It surely ain't that fucker Osborne. Although he is shrewd bastard. When was the last time you saw his head above a parapet? WHo is the Tory enemy within? Davies? Maybe.

And BTW the Millitwat will step on a land-mine any day now. But, yes, an election now and Labour win. And how richly they would deserve their poison chalice.

call me ishmael said...

Even as things stand, without further shit dropping on Downing Street, Flashman is fatally wounded by this. If you ramble, through ice and snow, and sleet and rain, around the comment boards on the national 'papers, many are calling, simply, for Cameron's resignation, many whom, one suspects are not Labour voters.

As for enemies within, there's plenty in the so-called cabinet, never mind in the wider party, and there are shrewder, more presentable talking heads in Labour than Ed Moribund; Yvette Cooper should have been their leader, but that's another story.

I don't mean to be disagreeable but if he was the best politician then he would have won an election against Snotty, my dog, Buster, would have won that one.

I think if Coulson is charged, Cameron is toast immediately.

mongoose said...

Well, best can mean least bad. I'll have a cyber fiver on the Coulson charge fatality. Lots and lots of the fuckers are going to be charged. It is illegal to pay a policeman any fucking thing for anything except for going to work. The Commissioner of the Met just career-died to avoid jug-time, the cunt.

Cameron will roast Brown, roast Blair, roast the Millitwats. He may die - I accept it is possible - but he is much better at this than all those other fuckers, except Blair. All of the newspapers have done this and they will all fall down too. The Mirror lot are dirtier than anyone btw. Anyway, any blood is good blood. God rot them all.

yardarm said...

It`s collapsing like a rotten shithouse and the rats have turned on each other.

Already this is a game changer and no one believes we`ve seen the last of the resignations or revelations. Coulson or Brooks getting charged, further claims or simply the Blair emulating, shameless grovelling at Rupe`s fundamental orifice could end it all for the wisteria entangled twerp in the top hat.

If events were to force Flashman to spend more time with his wallet he would probably stay on until then Tories had found a successor so no big chair for Clegg, even for a few days. And what`s in Rupe`s Little Black Book could affect who succeeds Dave, eh, Boris ? And Labour. Miliband`s out of his depth in a damp patch,he hasn`t the brains or balls to lead Labour through a barn dance never mind this shit storm.

Another game changer may be boiling up on the horizon. The debt. Everywhere. Ruin`s typewriter is clattering as it drafts the next instalment.

Mike said...

Hate to go against the concensus here, but....its in all their interests (Conservative, Labour, Cops, the media in general - who are all dirty) to kick this in the long grass. Nobody wins, everybody looses - why self-flagellate?

mongoose said...

Correct, Mike and Yardarm both, and indeed "the debt" is about to sink the continent let alone the Coalition. God help us all.

call me ishmael said...

To some extent it's out of their hands, mr mike, what with the Feds and the shareholders and now the Aussies taking an interest. Rupert's departure would lance the boil and serve the corporate interest and maybe kick it all into the long grass. And, in any event, kicking it into the long grass is exactly what they've been trying to do for some time - it is only the Guardian and some rogue MPs who have actually stirred all this shit.

As for the debt, it needs to be written-off and wages need to be raised, it's only money and if they don't do this there will be no recovery of Good Ole Capitalism in any recogniseable form. Even if you set aside the likelihood of widespread civil disorder the arithmetic simply is against all this debt shit, it can't be paid. Fuck the bankers, hang a few of them if they don't agree.

yardarm said...

Fully agree with the debt solution, Mr I. If they all got together and said fuck this for a laugh, fuck endless bailouts and recapitalisations, screw austerity programmes just write it off, globally and invest in making and doing things instead of juggling money that doesn`t exist, well, I`d go for that. And if a few chair polishers in the City and Wall Street plopped in the shit that would be the icing on the cake.

We can see that but do Cameron, Obama, Merkel, Sarkozy and the Beijing oligarchs and who pulls their strings have the brains and the guts to go for it ? I`m pondering on their records of calling it right so far....

mongoose said...

The debt cannot be written off, Messrs I and Y, because that would kill the (unity of the) euro. And this cannot be allowed to happen. The Emperor would then have no clothes.

call me ishmael said...

Yes, there's always some greedy power-crazed fuckpig. My friend, Max Keiser, on Russia Today is arguing that Ms Merkel has managed to pluder Greece without even mobilising a Panzer or a Stuka.