THE NEWS OF ISHMAELIA. BRITAIN'S GREATEST REDTOP SUNDAY PAPER.

EDITORIAL.

For  more than thirty years,  skymadeupnewsandfilth  has corrupted and debased the public discourse, has prematurely  sexualised our children, has cynically entered into anti-democratic power pacts with all-too-willing, verminous political careerists and most recently has urged tax breaks, bail-outs and bonuses for the already over-wealthy, whilst peddling the erosion of such few advances as have been achieved, post-war, by decent working people - or parasites, benefit cheats and idlers in non-jobs, as we must now call one another.

Never mind a  penalty-free resignation and a wealthy pseudo-retirement, touring the TeeVee studios and advising in the boardrooms of lesser forms of filth, Brooks should be in jail, along with Cameron,  Blair,  Brown,  the Murdochs and the whole rotten cabal in MediaMinster and New Scotland Yard.

If some teenage techno-geek had behaved as have our journalists, the press would be calling for his lengthy imprisonment;  one can hear the unspeakable Kelvin McKenzie, on Question Time, snarling in his charmless Essex way for the reintroduction of the death penalty for anyone vile enough to hack into the late Miss Dowler's 'phone;  hanging is too good for them, he would say, to the cheers of Sun readers everywhere.

Murdoch cannot remain so poisonously active forever and, on recent appearances, his son, James,  owes his position to his kinship rather than to any apparent ability, he is a jargonising gabshite and   should he  inherit  skymadeupnewsandfilth  his tenure will be brief and ruinous, Time, if not the house of commons, will break the Murdoch spell.

Big Al sheds a tear, not for dead Iraqi babies,
but for his book royaltiues, or his football club, or his depression.

 That is no reason, however, to share in Alastair Sexy Dossier Campbell's view that Brooks's is a personal tragedy, nor the wider assesment, in MediaMinster, that this wretched, creepy  creature has been a great journalist; she has not, like Campbell, she has been a national pollutant and if Parliament had any balls it would be demanding that an external force investigate this whole stinking matter, with a view to prosecuting wrongdoers, rather than placating public opinion; so, too, should  we all.

A prime minister with his employer.

Another prime minister with his employer.
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FROM THE HOUSE OF COMMONS.

Mr Tiny Speaker:
I call the Prime Minister, Mr David Cameron

Now listen, it's quite simple, Mr Tiny Speaker, in establishing a full and far-reaching cover-up, or a Hutton,  which I was against half an hour ago, I am showing the leadership which the house has come to expect of me,  that is, none at all, except when it comes to withdrawing benefits from poor people and giving them, instead, to the wealth creators.  As for  Mr Coulson, well, the party opposite had thirteen years to bring him into Downing Street and what did they do? Exactly, Mr Tiny Speaker, they did nothing, so I won't be taking any lectures on malpractice from them.

Tory & LibDem cheers.

As for the  proposed acquisition by my boss, Mr Rupert Murdoch, of BskyB I have supported this all along which is why I am now so very against it and will be voting the same way as the wind is blowing and I can assure the house that it has nothing to do with principle - as if - and is, if I may say so, another example of my leadership,  demonstrating, as I follow the leaders of the other two parties,  all honourable and right honourable members of this house and everybody in the country, and, indeed, the world, this demonstrates that I am my own man, never better at leading than when I am following someone else, doing as I'm told, especially by NewsCorp. Only not now, fuck no, Mr Tiny Speaker.

There are of course, questions for Sir Paul Gob to answer, Mr Tiny Speaker, he needs to give answers  as to why he is a vile, useless turd, in the finest traditions of the Met,  sitting on the top, Mr Seaker of a shitheap of  greedy, dishonest and often brutal  ...well, I can only call them criminals and I would remind the house, Mr Speaker, that Sir Paul was appointed by my good friend and vicious rival, The Mayor of London,

 or BoJo, as he is known by the cocaine-dealing and prostitution industries . Be that as it may, I am resolved to clean-up Mayor Johnson's mess and to that end I have appointed, whilst Sir Paul is fixing the evidence in his favour,  a world-famous detective to look into....well, to look into all this shit, which is not my fault and I am pleased to announce that, running in tandem with Lord Justice Slag's enquiry, a full  and far-reaching  cover-up will be undertaken by M'sieu Hercule Poirot and his team, Mr Captain Hastings and Mr Inspector Japp.

The Poirot Enquiry Team.

Sir Paul Gob of News International

I must say, worshipful brother Cameron, that I don't care for being investigated by the little dago.....

Mais non, Poirot is not le dago, Commissionaire, 'e is Belgique. And anyway, Iyam 'ere to arrest M. le Snot, the previous prime minister and expose 'eem for the cochon that he is. ... Inspector Japp, if you would be so good........

I say, Poirot, wouldn't it  be best if you left that 'til later. I mean, it looks to me as if this whole place is full of bounders, certainly don't like the look of that Cameron chappie and as for that cove sat next to him, nodding......

 Monsieur le Clegg, but 'e is the prime minister deputee, n'est ce pas?  Although it has been whispered in Poirot's ear that this Clegg fellow, he leads a party of degenerates and  what you call the steel hoofs....

Liberal Democrats celebrate the Coalition,

Mr Heath, left, taking Mr Clegg for walkies.

Iron, Poirot, iron hoofs...

Steel hoofs, iron hoofs, what matters it, mon ami, so long as it rhymes with poofs? Tell to me,  please, 'Astings, 'ow eet is that the whole of the front bench of the 'ouse of commoners, it is full of brigands an', owyousay, ragtoes?

Well, Poirot, that's the thing, they're all  perfect rotters but they and the newspapers all pretend that they're jolly good chaps, really, apart from Mr Snot, of course, who everybody hates - even himself, I understand - when in fact they are all working for Crime Internationale.

Ah, oui, d'accord, the old lines, between left and right, they are merged, now, and all work for GlobaCorp fascism, but never mind their lack of principles,   they think that by appointing the most famous detective in the world they  will see themselves let off Scottish-free, non? But they understimate Poirot an 'is leedle grey cells and it all becomes clear; it is as my good friend, M'sieu Ishmael describes it, we 'ave been appointed  to effect le cover-up far reaching and  serieux an' 'elp get the real criminals off the hook,  these people, they are quite beyond the post, n'est c pas?

The pale, Poirot, the pale...

Oui, precisement.

Now look here, Poirot, are you really saying that my guvnor, the top copper in the Met, has been paying criminals a thousand pounds a day to advise ordinary coppers? 

Oui, certainement, Chief Inspector, he is as bent as owyousay the eleven bob note, his men rampage violently among the citizenry, every station sergeant in London is taking bribes from Mrs Brookes-Wade - a most strange creature, androgynous, the sort of boyish waif,  over which old men, well, never mind,  Japp,  let us not concern ourselves  with the sewer minds of the elderly - and he and his senior officers are both in the pay of le skymadeupnewsandfilth and paying large sums of taxpayer money to sky criminals. It is a situation almost incredible.

Well, I never, I dunno what Mrs Japp is going to say about all this.

You must do your best to reassure her, and we must hope that in her disconcertement she does not burn your, what is it, tripe and onions, or is it le faggottes and peas, which you so relish, Chief Inspector. And now we will please  assemble everyone concerned.

Bon, and now, ladies and gentlemen, Poirot will proceed. First, we come to the matter of who has been in bed, so to speak, with the filthy devils of the press and, I must confess, it is easier, is it not, to decide who has not. All, in one way or another have been involved in this scandal. What scandal, I hear you ask. Why, it is nothing less than the betrayal of the British people. Yes, the very people who have elected you, you have all put the interests of M'sieu Murdoch and Mr Dacre and filthy Mr Desmond and the tres pecliar Brothers Barclay above those of the people. And for this you all stand condemned. And it is like the larcenous expenses behaviour, in which you all treated the public as a large pissoir, n'est ce pas, no, do not insult Poirot with your feeble excuses. Why, M'sieu le prime minister, should the taxpayers buy you Wisteria bushes, and you a multi-millionaire, what possible explanation can you offer for buying shrubbery at the taxpayers expense.? And, as for all of your promises, a referendum, no privatisation, no wars, they were not worth a hatful of roasted snow; cast iron? Mais non,  they are just cast aside, M'sieu Cameron, as you soon will be. And now you have the impertinence to come to this place and  slander Mr Coulson, who is still your regular dinner guest, n'est ce pas, you must think all are as tres stupide as Milord Prescott, the famous cock-waving nincompoop, and you think your broken promises are no more than a storm in an eggcup.......

It's a teacup, actually, Poirot.....

'Astings you will kindly refrain from correcting Poirot in mid-denouement, the trouble with you Anglaises is that you think that because Poirot is Belgian that he knows fuck nothing, but let me assure you, my friend, Poirot knows fuck all.

Well,  to continue the explanation, M'sieu CallHimDave,  it is quite simple, it is that you are a rotten, lying,  greedy bastard, is it not?  And just along the bench from you, is another, M'sieu Spit-Gove, the minister for les ecoles;

former lifelong Murdoch hack, Michael Spit-Gove,
the poorest man in the cabinet, bless.

did he not work for M'sieu Murdoch for twenty years, even whilst serving as an MP, even whilst he was a front bench spokesman. How is this possible?  Should not an MP be doing purely MP work and not working for the piss-pauvre Times, attacking the right of all to free education and setting up the private schools by the back door, Zut alors, if proof were needed that the wretched Spit-Gove was guilty, just look at those who support him, like Mr Toby Young,

Page Three boy Toby Young.

 the  revolting arriviste, who wants only the best for his own ugly children and cares nothing for those of others. And you all  have l'imperTinence to call this le society grande. Imagine, if you will, 'Astings, a nurse or a schoolteacher saying to his or her employers, I'm off now to my other job, writing bilge for Mr Murdoch, just keep paying my salaray and I will submit my expenses every month as usual;  what, the  operating theatre or the classroom, oh no, I do not need to be there.

And look yet again, at M'sieu Andrew Spivsley,



who concerns himself most assiduously, in selling off a health service which is not his to sell to a gang of bandits who employ him, surreptitieuxment. Indeed, one wonders if they are the same people who paid him, by his own reluctant admission a sum of fifty thousand pounds,  oui, fifty thousand pounds per year, whilst he was opposition spokesman for health, in exchange for his advice, as he called it.

They are everywhere, 'Astings, les suspects, even le committee to oversee les flics and les gendarmes and le surete,  it is is  led by a crook, who has no shame.

M'sieu Oily Vaz, he is so discredited he has such an idee grande about himself, why, I tell to you, 'Astings, that this creature once described himself as the most important cashancarry merchant in Britain. No. the leg Poirot is not pulling, vain and puffed up and sleazy and yet he is in charge of investigating Chief Inspector Japp's profession. Is it not truly staggering? What the English will tolerate?

Poirot could go on all day about this place but with few exceptions it is rotten to the core, as rotten as the newspaper proprietors with whom they are all in bed. It is, mon ami,  on all sides a cesspit, it is beyond cleansing or reform;  there is only one  solution to the British 'ouse of commoners and it is one that les Francaises have deployed with some success.

Good Lord,  Poirot you don't mean..........

Mais oui, 'Astings, it is the only solution, pour encourager les autres......

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And finally.

In the colour supplement

PAGE THREE STUNNA

An old man's number one fancy, is it a boy, or a girl?  

Flame-haired temptress Beka, 

she  knows how to get the senior citizen going.

We at the News of Ishmaelia wish Mr Murdoch a profound and sincere heart attack at the earliest possible opportunity, the filthy old shit.

Next week:  The Dowlers, How Mr Murdoch was really nice to us.

UPDATE 

HACKING SLAG BROOKS  NICKED BY OLD BILL
CALLHIMDAVE COMPROMISED.

This from Reuters.

TIM BALE, PROFESSOR OF POLITICS, UNIVERSITY OF SUSSEX (says)

"I think this was pretty uncomfortable for Cameron already and it will get more uncomfortable now over the next week. It brings the whole thing closer to him. If one believes all the talk of a 'Chipping Norton' set, it reinforces this impression of a cozy elite at the top of the media/political complex."
Regarding Brooks' appearance before parliament, he said:
"I'm not sure she can appear now. I would have thought it difficult for MPs to ask questions or for her to answer without prejudicing any criminal proceedings down the line."
"I can't think of any precedents for anybody being invited to appear who is already under suspicion."
(Reporting by Mohammed Abbas and Keith Weir; Editing by Elizabeth Fullerton)