Sunday, 24 July 2011


 Doughty TeeVee campaigner found dead whilst watching adult channels.

The world was rocked last night by the news that Mary Whitehouse had died while watching sordid telly programmes.  The BBC has learned that Mrs Whitehouse had led a double life, pontificating about the nation's morality yet often watching back-to-back episodes of  the seedy and squalid Emmerdale Farm, Heartbeat and All Creatures Great and Small.  I understand that the latter showed scenes of men with their arms up cows rectums and such like, said the nation's spiritual leader, Dame Mother Superior Anne Widdicombe,

and I am absolutely disgusted to learn that my dear friend, Mary, regularly debased herself by watching such depravity;  I  can let you have some Pizzas at a very good price, continued the wretched old cow, and they have been blessed by the Holy Father, Pope Nazi, himself, Dominus Vobiscum everybody. Only not Michael Howard, obviously. You can buy a boxed set  of my Strictly Come Lurching  appearances at all good retailers.


The world of showbiz was also rocked to its core, celebrities such as Dame Joan Bakewell-Slut 

expressing sorrow on behalf of the House of Lords. I never much liked Mary's music, said the dreadful old boot, much preferring Bartok and Shostakovich myself but Showbiz is one big unhappy family and of course we mourn her loss.  Some of us make our way by moralising, like Mary, and others by fucking their way through the arts and BBC Establishment until they wind-up here, in this noble house, like me, Said Dame Slut.

And whilst I hope to add a meagre scintilla of erudition to this noble place I will shortly be making another TeeVee series about my specialist subject,  men's cocks; it will be very academic.

Yeah, too right it will, you scrawny old bitch, added Dame Professor Germaine Greer of Oxford Unversity and Screw Magazine.

Mary lived life to the full, sometimes watching the tube until , Oh, half-past-ten, before rolling into bed with her old man Dennis for some hot reading of the gospel of Matthew, which was one of her naughty little treats. Y'know, cobbers, people say that it was Dennis who got her into hard telly but I'm not so sure, we all have free will don't we?  My new book, Strewth, I can't even remember what it's called, I've written so many but it'll be about sex in some form or another, will be out soon and you can read me in the Telegraph, in my blog, on FacePage  and Twitter. Should you wanna.

Britain's unelected prime minister. Mr CallHimDave, joined in the eulogies:

Today is a good day to bury Amy Winehouse, I mean Rupert Murdoch. And Andy Coulson, lamented a visibly moved Flashman. Look, let's be clear, clearly, in the coming days, the thoughts of the British people will be with Ms Winehouse's family, clearly, in the days to come, the British people will want to stand by the Norwegians and not with their own  jobs, their elderly, their pensions, their rights and everything they hold dear but Me and Mr Osborne despise as, clearly, they divert national resources from where they should be going, which is, clearly, to us. And clearly, to anyone whose father sent them to Eton. As we observe these twin tragedies, let us be clear that I did not come into politics to worry about poor people or dead people, least of all some drug-crazed, caterwauling taxi driver's daughter. And that is why I am now off to Sunday tea with Mrs Woods and Mr Clarkson.

A raddled-looking Seckatry of State, President Hillary Rodham Trousers

said  that she, President Obama and the American people deplored acts of Amy Whitehouse and stood shoulder to shoulder with the Norwegian people in ignoring the potentially millions of people thirsting and starving to death in other parts of the world, whilst one nutter ran amok and killed a handful up there in Sardineavia, or wherever the fuck it was.

British opposition leader, Mr Ed Moribund, joined in the tributes to the dead junky.

I am not calling for Mr Cameron to go. I am simply saying that if Amy Whitehouse and Milly Dowler were alive, they would want me to be prime minister.


mrs narcolept said...

The two sides of Mr Miliband's face appear to belong to different people.

Poor foolish girl, though, she should have been better looked after.

dave "sponsored-gun" cameron - campaigner for chronic disbelief said...

A raddled-looking Seckatry of State, President Hillary Rodham Trousers said that she, President Obama and the American people deplored acts of Amy Whitehouse and stood shoulder to shoulder with the Norwegian people in ignoring the potentially millions of people thirsting and starving to death in other parts of the world, whilst one nutter ran amok and killed a handful up there in Sardineavia, or wherever the fuck it was.

i'm glad to see that you didn't include the coercion conservative government amongst those who are neglible in their response to the famine in somalia. in fact, we held an emergency coffee-morning in chipping norton, just yesterday...and the upshot is that samantha has agreed to organize a bring-and-buy sale in the back-garden, george has offered to throw an austerity-lunch, and rupert has promised to tap a few celebrities at a special fund-raising event - as for me, i'll be donating billions of quidsworth of uk tax-payers' money to worthy cause...and as, at a time like this, i believe it especially important that we not forget our own needy citizens here at home, my charity of choice will be a european one, and i'll be spending the lot on a grotty over-grilled greek kebab - apparently they're getting quite pricy thesedays.

call me ishmael said...

And so should we all, mrs n. Don't put your daughter on the stage, mr & mrs winehouse; that should be their song.

They had the poor mad cow in drama school from about ten. I always thought she was the bouffanted half of Jedward, that's how so not cool I am.

It is hard, mr dave, to take anythung seriously, living, as we do, in Ruin's kaleidoscope but try to curb your cynicism.

yardarm said...

I feel sorry for the cat grasped by Germaine Greer. Clearly it wants to anywhere else fast.

Dick the Prick said...

I think i'd prefer crack than Emmerdale Farm - gets you out and about suppose.

mongoose said...

At least poor Amy had her addictions for her mad behaviour. The Norwegian twat appears to just plain politics bonkers.

PT Barnum said...

If I believed in any kind of deity, I'd be inclined to think He'd rather spend Eternity with Winehouse than Whitehouse. If not, then believing in Him would be a pretty bum deal.

Just being reminded of the existence of the self-appointed Monitor of Our TV Morals has made me feel mildly queasy. I always thought, as a youth, that the only copies of Shakespeare and the Bible she permitted under her roof were the Bowderlised ones.

call me ishmael said...

Although to the press, mr ptb, they are one and the same, Mary and Amy, just somebody else about whom to make up lies and filth.

Mike said...

Mr I: I thought you would be a Mary Whitehouse fan - complaining about the media and the premature sexualisation of kids etc..

call me ishmael said...

I was not and am not opposed to the idea of a viewers' and listeners' association, mr mike - the BBC is, despite its many excellences, a cultural tyranny, funded by its victims - it's just that these things take on an agenda and assume a self-importance which are alien to their stated aims - look at the TaxPayers' Alliance, for instance, or any number of bloated bloggers using the new media to promote a career in the old - and in MW's case it was the promotion of a religion already prominent and Established in the legislature which irked so many.

It's hard to see how she could have stopped herself becoming just another celebrity, another talking head among many, since the medium of which she warned was also her pulpit. The point of the post, obviously poorly made, was that - I don't think you can challenge skymadeupnewsandfilth by appearing on it, you can't lampoon celebrity by becoming one - once you sup with the Devil, even your death is not your own.

unidentified fibbing object said...

oh, these celebritities think they've got problems, do they? well listen-up, you'll never guess what - i woz walking down the street last night and some geezer came out of nowhere and robbed my identity, the cunt. needless to say i woz left there standing stark bollock anonymous with nothing to hide my shame but a few shreds of nationalism and a scrap of violence. absolutely terrifying ordeal, my son. it's gonna take years to build myself a new one.

dr christian pedant - humour-killer repressed by religion said...


do you mean 'robbed [your] identity', where it is understood that your 'identity' is an entirely independent and separate entity from yourself, or do you mean that you were 'robbed [of your] identity' - please do clarify, as a precise explanation would really help me to analyse the sociological roots of your psychosis.

unidentified filing object said...

look, we woz robbed, ok - now leave off, i don't want any trouble, i've got an insurance claim in.