Thursday, 21 July 2011



Hello, viewers, Lenny Henry here, famous Shakespearian ac-tor. And some of you may remember me for my fabulous career as the  funny black man,  Theophelus T Wildebeest, yes, that was me, parodying racism, that was my thing. Even from an early age, with my old mum, in Dudley. I always wanted to be white, I mean famous, and so that's why I sucked-up to dodgy ITV audiences, doing my own inimitable version of the Black and White Minstrels Show;  groundbreaking it was. Like fuck

But that's not why I'm hear, I wanna talk to you about black people, like me, well not so fat, so rich, so smug and up their own arses as me, no, proper black people, starving to death in Somalia and scarcely able to hear my interminable drivel programmes on Radio Four.  They're starving and dying, them coons are  - no, only joking, just being post-ironic - and you can help them by being prompted by me, some useless, pampered fuckwit, into sending them some dosh.  We can all help;  even my ex-wife,  Dawn French 


who ditched me because I'm as thick as two short planks, is sending some of her Terry's Chocolate Oranges out to Africa,  even though they'll melt and are shit, anyway, and she and Jennifer will probably reunite to do a charity gig;  that's the sort of people we are, in the theatre.  Remember, just a few quid can save a picaninny from  a terrible death. Only make sure you keep enough back  for a weekend in a Premier Inn. Where everything is premier except the price.And the adverts.



Oldrightie said...

Don't forget, only white people can be racist, the rest get free rein!

Anonymous said...

The rich get richer and the poor get children.
In the meantime, in between time, ain't we got fun.

PT Barnum said...

Meanwhile, in Haiti, folk are still waiting for the electricity and water to be restored, while the 'aid agencies' compete with one another over who should be seen to be doing the caring with the money donated from the last DEC-fest.

This time, tho', they might be less keen, since the islamic bomb-boys are showing nasty tendencies to chop do-gooders heads off. That, and selling off the aid parcels to buy stuff to kill kaffirs with, mean lots of dead babies. Much easier just to send them Lenny H than cash. Several square meals in him.

call me ishmael said...

I thought President Spunky Bill was taking personal charge of the Haiti problem, plenty of coke and whores, down there for him.

What I loved about NewLabour was the way, post-Monica, they all wet themselves and cheered themselves hoarse when he came to speak to what they call their conference, fucking disgusting.

Dick the Prick said...

That, Sir, is good cunting.

Tiger Woods' caddy deserves a right cunting too. Everyone knows Tiger Woods is a total cunt but the dumb fuck who carries his bag reckons any one gives a flying fuck what his opinions are. Tiger sacked him for being an utter cunt and now he's whinging like a little starving girl. Carry the bag, have some millions and shut the fuck up! Wanker.

Ian Woosnam was starting his Sunday round in the Open a few years back and his caddy had packed 15 clubs when the maximum was 14 and he lost the plot and shouted at his caddy 'I give you 1 fucking job to do' - unbelievable.

As if a fucking golf caddy is in the news - the world's gone mad.

call me ishmael said...

I told you, mr dtp, it's the new cancer, now will you believe me? That dude looked as though he'd have trouble washing dishes in the Salvation Army, who gives a fuck what he says? Who gives a fuck, for that matter, what that prick Woods says?

mongoose said...

Tiswas, babies, was the last straw really. ATV-land's finest fucking hour. If you only had one bullet left, eh?

N Mandela said...

Waddya call a dog wiv a spade up it's arse?

call me ishmael said...

Jesus, mr mongoose, I've told you before about dredging the dark recesses of your mind and bringing their contents in here, among decent people; you carry on like that and you'll be getting your cards. Decent parents would've secured proper treatment for young Lenny. I only vaguely remembered him being ingratiating to the Nth degree and then turning him off, more in pity than anger but quite angry, too, but that clip, to a post-modern, post-ironic sensibility like mine emphasises what an utter cunt he always was. I wonder what black people make of him?

Anybody know what you do call a dog wiv a spade up its arse?

mrs narcolept said...

I was never allowed to watch Tiswas, and now I understand why.

Anyway, never mind solving complicated riddles, they have gone to all the trouble of advertising the job of Metropolitan Police Commissioner, closing date 12 August, so there are application forms to be filled in.

The unelected PM has just been on the radio saying that Clearly, someone or other clearly needs to clear something up. Eton and Oxford, you'd think his vocabulary would at least be extensive.

call me ishmael said...

And that he might know something about the Second World War. All that money, wasted. They say he got a First, whatever that is. And his former tutor, Victor bogbrush, says he's clearly just a fraction off being a genius. Time for an enquiry, methinks, into the awarding of First Class Oxbridge degrees to the children of the rich. I don't think that, at forty-four, CallHimDave would pass an eleven-plus examination.

mongoose said...

Sorry, Mr Ishmael, for upsetting once again your delicate sensibilities. Tiswas was just tripe from the beginning.

Anyway, the indelicate answer to the riddle, if riddle it is, is featured in this post eating a choccy bar. Is it too early in the day for some "Love Thy Neighbour" clips from Youtube?

mongoose said...

And just in case you think I have become a savage, that is not btw my smart arse answer. That is the punchline to the "joke" commonplace at the time.

Mike said...

Mr I: a bitch?