The Sunday Ishmael 2/1/22

 The British Honours System Explained.

No, I can't. It is complicated, mediaeval  and makes no sense to man nor beast. You can nominate your next door neighbour for services to getting out the bins on time. 19% of the awards in this New Year Honours List were reserved for people for their services to the Covid Industry. Sportspersons, acting persons and mass murderers all get their gong. Fucking ridiculous system. This is why, dear Foreign Readers, there are so many lords, ladies, Sirs, Dames, Bart.s etc - every year another cohort gets honoured.

Regalia of the Knight of the Garter

The clothes, the clothes! They go out in public wearing this lot and nobody is allowed to laugh their socks off. It features velvet - one of the fabrics that the Sumptuary Laws forbade non-aristocrats from wearing. Yes; this country had laws to regulate and reinforce social hierarchies through restrictions on clothing, food and other luxury expenditures. They made it easy to identify social rank and privilege and were therefore a tool of social discrimination, preventing commoners from imitating the appearance of aristocrats. During the reign of Good Queen Elizabeth the Virgin, all men were required to wear a hat out doors. You couldn't choose the style of hat you wore. If you were a commoner, you were required to wear a woollie beanie.

The Most Noble Order of the Garter is an order of chivalry founded by Edward III in 1348 - the origin myth has it that the Garter in question was dropped by a female and the chivalrous monarch not only picked it up and wore it himself: thus the Order's motto Honi soit qui mal y pense (Shame on him who thinks this evil), but set up a club to mimic Arthur's Knights of the Round Table,

Garters - this sort of thing.

wearing stockings, suspenders, velvet and silly hats.

His Serene Highness, the Lady Sir Tony Blair (Motto: travel the world, meet interesting people and kill them) has finally achieved this highest order, joining a select company that includes Garter Princes.

Such is the public outrage at Sir Tony's elevation to the Order of the Suspender Belt ("you can fool all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, but you can't fool all of the people all of the time" - what you talking about? Of course you can) 

Speaker Lynsay Hole

that Speaker Lindsay Hoyle has put his foot down and told the Queen (God Bless You Ma'am) to elevate all the Prime Ministers to the Suspender Belt Club,

 

 on the basis that the decision to honour Sir Tony will become, in a retrospective piece of white-washing, just what happens and the elevation of the bare-faced, outrageous, anti-human, anti-Christian, monstrous war-mongering, american lick-spittle, cancerous, murderous bastard with a Catholic-Conscience and many many billions of your great british pounds in the bank, yellow-pus rancid former Prime Minister sir-fucking-tony will not seem to be the blatant shitting in the face of the ordinary people that it is. Gods, if anything should provoke a little civil unrest, this is it. Just wait a few years, until the indignation, horror, blood-shed, amputations have kind of faded away, and then let him have it - the Garteriness, that is. I wonder how much he paid for it? I know how much the peoples of the middle East have bloody paid for it. And Now! This Year! Great timing - the year after the disgraceful withdrawal from Afghanistan.

Yeah, right.

Anyway, did you notice up the page a little, His Princely Garteriness Andrew of the Allegations coming it all that in his waving white plumes and velvety I'm entitledness?

One of the things about the Garter Club is that, should a Knight disgrace the honour of the Order, measures are taken to remove said disgraced Knights. So far, forty men have been dealt with, thirty of them subject to the formal process of degradation, which takes place in the quire of St George's Chapel.

This looked like fun: 

In 1521 Edward Stafford, Duke of Buckingham experienced his degradation at the feast of St George. The Officers of the College of Arms were present, together with six Knights of the Garter. The Garter King of Arms announced that:

"the said Edward late Duke of Buckingham be degraded of the said noble order and his arms, ensigns and hatchments clearly expelled and put from among the arms, ensigns and hatchments of the other noble knights of the said Order to the intent that all other noble men thereby may take example hereafter not to commit any such heinous and detestable treason and offence, as God may forbid they should. And God save the King."

Whereupon one of the heralds, who was concealed in the upper level of the quire woodwork violently cast down Buckingham's crest, banner and sword at the feet of the assembled great and the good. They then kicked the arms and achievements down the full length of  the nave, out of the west door and into the ditch beyond.

Now that I'd pay to see. Can you just imagine Andrew's stuff being kicked out the door by his mum, sister, older and younger brothers, and nephew? D'you think it will be on the telly? Will we have David Dimbleby solemnly intoning, describing the frocks, velvets and silly hats, with a bit of BBC suitably reverential music?

Because there's no two ways about it. Ghislaine's verdict must reinforce Virginia Giuffre's civil case against Andrew.

the prince, the prostitute and the procuress

Apparently, at the sentencing exercise, victim statements will be read, which will include the statements of Epstein's victims who did not give evidence in the case against Ghislaine - that would be Virginia, presumably, who was not called in aid in Ghislaine's trial.
 She's a determined little thing, that Virginia (was ever a girl so mis-named?). 

Born in 1983, she was molested by a close family friend from the age of seven, ran away at the age of 13, before becoming the companion of a 65 year old sex trafficker, Ron Eppinger. He ran an international sex trafficking business known as the model agency Perfect 10, and subsequently pleaded guilty to charges of alien smuggling for prostitution, interstate travel for prostitution and money laundering. Virginia returned to live with her father when she was 14. He was a maintenance manager at one of Trump's properties where she became employed as a spa attendant. In 2000, she was spotted by Ghislaine and offered a career as a masseuse. She was 16, going on 17. She received training as a masseuse and was employed by Epstein. Her employment terms and conditions seem luxurious, but included an expectation that she would have sex with Epstein's friends. Since breaking with Epstein, she has pursued a number of lawsuits:

Virginia Roberts affidavit (2014)

In January 2015, in an attempt to join the federal Crime Victims' Rights Act lawsuit, she submitted her sworn affidavit stating that Epstein trafficked her to Prince Andrew and Alan Dershowitz and that Maxwell worked as procuress to Epstein. That was disallowed by a federal judge in April 2015. 

Virginia Giuffre v. Ghislaine Maxwell (2015)

As a result of Giuffre's allegations and Maxwell's comments about them, Giuffre sued Maxwell for defamation in federal court in New York in September 2015. The case was settled out of court in June 2017 with Maxwell reportedly paying Giuffre "millions"

In 2015, spokespersons for the British royal family stated that "any suggestion of impropriety with underage minors is categorically untrue", later repeating the denials. This, of course, is true. The age of consent to sex in Britain is 16.

Virginia Giuffre v. Alan Dershowitz (2019)

In April 2019, Giuffre filed a federal civil defamation lawsuit against Alan Dershowitz, a Harvard law professor emeritus in New York.

  Virginia Giuffre v. Prince Andrew (2021)

On August 9, 2021, Giuffre filed a civil lawsuit against Prince Andrew in New York alleging that she was forced to have several sexual encounters with the prince in the early 2000s after being trafficked by Epstein when she was 16 and 17 years old. Andrew refused to accept service of court papers, but Giuffre's lawyers filed an affidavit stating that Andrew was served with the papers on August 27. On October 29, Andrew's attorneys filed a response, asking a US judge to dismiss the lawsuit according to a sealed settlement reached between Epstein and Giuffre in 2009 which could absolve Epstein, Andrew and numerous other people "from any and all liability".

Rina Oh v. Virginia Giuffre (2021)

Rina Oh sued Giuffre for defamation in October 2021. Giuffre accused Oh of helping traffic girls for Epstein, while Oh maintains that she was a victim and that she has never helped traffickers.

 

 These are civil cases, not criminal cases, and it must be remembered that the standard of proof is different; in the US, as in Britain, the criminal standard is "beyond all reasonable doubt" whereas the civil standard is "on the balance of probabilities" generally accepted as 51% more likely to have happened than not, although the more serious the accusations, the more strictly is the balance of probabilities interpreted. As these are civil cases, the resolution is not a criminal penalty, but a financial settlement. Andrew's team have opined that Virginia Giuffre's motivation is for "another payday". I'm guessing that, although Andrew is perennially strapped for cash, which is why he fell into Epstein's clutches in the first place, his Mum would rally round, and she's not short of a bob or two.

Ghislaine Maxwell's situation, however, is more parlous. Money is unlikely to get her out of the hole that she's in. And the Metropolitan Detention Centre certainly is a hole, with remand prisoners held in conditions that are equivalent to being tortured, with rats entering through toilets in cells and the prison officers preventing suicide by shining their torches into prisoners' faces every 15 minutes. These are remand prisoners - either not yet convicted or not yet sentenced. America has an appalling track record for the way it treats its prisoners:  extreme rendition,  Guantanamo, Metropolitan Detention Centre. If a state is judged by the way it treats its vulnerable, its sick and its prisoners, then America would have to struggle to be accepted within the family of civilised nations, however amusing its sit-coms.

Ghislaine has been convicted of:

• conspiracy to entice a minor to travel to engage in illegal sex acts, 

• conspiracy to transport a minor with the intent to engage in criminal sexual activity, 

• transporting a minor with the intent to engage in criminal sexual activity, 

• conspiracy to commit sex trafficking of minors, 

• sex trafficking of minors. 

These charges are what are known as either/or charges in Britain: conspiracy to do something, or the doing of the thing. Seems wrong to convict of both - and conspiracy generally carries a stiffer penalty than the thing itself.

The combined charges could carry a sentence of 65 years.

America is, of course, a dreadfully Puritanical country - well, they are descended from fringe religious cults; and they have an astonishingly schizophrenic view about sex - ranging from Hollywood's meat industry to the celibate Bible Belters; and everything is complicated by the fact that there are different legal systems and different penalties in each state: so the age of consent to sex varies from 16 to 18 across the States. When the BBC speaks of "underage girls", when you read "minors" in the charges, these are not little girls being referred to. They are not pre-pubertal. Ghislaine Maxwell was recruiting, training and supplying teenagers to older, wealthy men. 

Maybe that's not very nice. Maybe we'd like there to be no prostitution. But there is. And it is commonplace. Everywhere. Pimps are usually male. Prostitutes usually run frightening risks in their attempts to attract punters on street corners, alone and in the dark, to avoid beatings by their pimps. In 2009, it was estimated that there were 100,000 prostitutes in Britain. 180 prostitutes were murdered in Britain between 1990 and 2015.  University of Leeds research in 2015 found that 47% of prostitutes had been victims of crime, including rape and robbery, while 36% had received threatening texts, telephone calls or emails. The mortality rate for prostitutes is 12 times higher than the national average.

This rich people's game that Epstein, Maxwell and Andrew were engaged in is a world away from the harsh reality that most prostitutes experience. Ghislaine Maxwell has not murdered anyone, there is no suggestion that women have been beaten, raped or physically abused. When the charges or civil allegations speak of "rape" it is in the sense that a person under the age of consent cannot legally consent to sex, not that there was non-consensual penetration.

In Ghislaine Maxwell's trial and conviction we have seen trial by media, we have seen  censorious condemnation of behaviours that have been commonplace throughout human history, we have seen jealousy of a rich and beautiful foreigner, we have seen schadenfreude at its worst, whipped on by the media. Ghislaine Maxwell could have left the United States - and should have done. She is a British citizen. And a French citizen, born in France - either country would have treated her with more decency and humanity than the United States. I don't suppose the Home Office will do much to have her brought home to Britain to serve her sentence in a British prison - although not the best, anything is better than the American prison estate, its conditions and the brutal indifference of its guards.

I hope her appeal is successful. And that she doesn't have to sit in a cell in the Metropolitan Detention Centre whilst awaiting her appeal.

...............................................................

Nothing from mr ishmael this Sunday, but the two anthologies of the works of mr ishmael and his young friend stanislav: Honest Not Invent and Vent Stack are available to buy for mere money from Lulu or Amazon. It is cheaper to buy from Lulu. Register an account with Lulu to save a couple of quid, as going straight into the link provided below seems to make paypal think it's ok to charge in dollars, and apply their own conversion rate, which will put the price up slightly for a UK buyer. Once the new account is set up, follow our link; a pop-up box asks for age confirmation - simply set the date to (say) 1 January 1960, and proceed. (If you type the title, the anthology will not appear as a search result until the "show explicit content" box - found at the bottom left by scrolling down - has been checked.  You may also see the age verification box, as above, at this point.) 

 The full title is "Vent Stack love from stanislav" by ishmael smith, and the cover you'll see is red with white titles and a picture of Buster the Previous Blog Dog having a green thought in a green shade. 

Link for the paperback:

 https://www.lulu.com/en/us/shop/ishmael-smith/vent-stack/paperback/product-q8jzk2.html?page=1&pageSize=4

Or...

shorter link, which might make it easier if you wish to paste it into an email and tell a friend:

 https://tinyurl.com/naajavmu

 Honest, Not Invent is available in paperback or hardback.

Link for Hard Back : 

https://www.lulu.com/en/us/shop/ishmael-smith/honest-not-invent/hardcover/product-njr7vg.html

Link for Paper Back : 

https://www.lulu.com/en/us/shop/ishmael-smith/honest-not-invent/paperback/product-wq2kpg.html

At checkout, try PROWRITINGAID15, WELCOME15 or TREAT15 in the coupon box, which  takes 15% off the price before postage.  If this code has expired by the time you reach this point, try a google search for "Lulu.com voucher code" and see what comes up.  

With the 15% voucher, the book (including delivery to a UK address) should cost £10.89

 

Big Fat Christmas Crossword Answers

 Well, as the Lifers say down the maximum security wing, that's another year Up the Judge's Arse.

Only one more Roast Dinner to endure, then it's back on the steamed white fish and plain white rice. With occasional lettuce leaf.

I think I've told you about the Kirkwall tradition of the Ba' - played on Christmas Day with a return grudge match on New Year's Day; the tradition originated when all the men of the town formed themselves into two teams to play a rugby-scrum type of street football through the residential and retail streets of Kirkwall with a severed head. Such was the fun that it has been repeated annually apart from last year, when Covid put paid to such innocent entertainment. Imagine the viral load in the cloud of steam, spit and piss fumes that hovers above the pack. 

Undeterred by any suggestion of rational thought, the Ba' Committee busily planned the usual games for 2021, until instructed to Cease and Desist by Orkney Islands Council, which has to barricade the buildings and clean the streets post-match, together with NHS Orkney, which has to pick up the bodies, splint the broken bones and treat the concussions and bites. 

And deal with the Covid hospitalisations.

 

However, we know how to have fun here in Craggy Islands, so entertainment of a High Order was provided instead by a Decorated Tractor Parade through the town. Mustering at the Hatston Industrial Estate, on the evening of the 29th December, 150 tractors poured in (well, proceeded at a tractor pace) from the countryside, and processed around the town. It was All For Charidee, of course, and a sum equivalent to £2.00 per head for every Orcadian man, woman, child and babe in arms was raised to the benefit of Clan and MS Orkney. I didn't go, being involved in entertaining friends to a Roast Dinner, but my dinner guests were caught up in the parade of returning tractors, as they attempted to make their way home.

Such fun.

 

Here's the answers to mr mongoose's Big Fat Christmas Crossword. Diabolically difficult, wasn't it? Mr mongoose is working on another one, he tells me, with a strongly ishmaelian theme. 

Thank you, mr mongoose. 

Ishmaelites are now saying - really? Of course! That's it, why didn't I get that? So it was TIG not tag, tug or teg!

  

The publisher informs me that several copies of the two anthologies, Honest Not Invent and Vent Stack were purchased during the run-up to Christmas. I hope that they got to the purchasers in time to pop into Christmas stockings - and I hope you warned the lucky recipients about the outrageous, eccentric, eclectic and hilarious nature of the material. And to have the ambulance on speed dial.

New Year's Evensong

 I hope you enjoyed The Chicken Shit Blues papers, serialised over Twixmas for your delectation, delight, and a glimpse into mr ishmael's back story. In addition to his mordant wit, used here to  excoriate celebrity grief-fest, there's the story of our early days in Orkney, how we bought the manse (after looking at every house on the market,  a couple of hotels and raising the hopes of untold Orkney property-vendors), God's Plan for mr ishmael, the sad death of our dear little warm brown friend, His Imperial Majesty, Rocky Woo Smith, and mr ishmael's first steps into the holiday business, which, as you've read, plunged him into tour-guiding for ten Chinese students. 

Don't forget - if you meet the Buddha on the Road, Kill him. (Buddhist koan by ninth-century Buddhist master Lin Chi, quoted by mr ishmael, who described himself as a Zen-Marxist-Presbyterian-Buddhist.) 

 

The papers came to light during a recent attic clear-out by the New Zealand Chicken Shit Rancher to whom they were addressed, and were very kindly sent to me so that they could be transcribed and included in the archive. Some elements might even make it into the third anthology, Ishmael's Blues, which mr verge plans to launch in 2022. Chicken Shit Blues is not the earliest of the extant works, of course - an earlier body of material was the Me and My Swiss Army Knife stories; most of which are in my possession - but there are still a few out there, which we would love to locate; and then there's  Jailhouse Blues, even earlier material about the criminal justice system.

 

Much has happened this week which no doubt we will be addressing in these pages  - I'm particularly infuriated about the remand in custody, trial and verdict of Ghislaine - god knows what the sentencing will be like; but hey, it's New Year's Eve, the end of our pagan Winter Festival, 

there's the old Year to slaughter and the baby Year to welcome, so let Andre Rieu celebrate for us with his inimitable vulgarity and may I wish a Happy New Year to all Ishmaelites everywhere.

 

 

Chicken Shit Blues - being the fourth and final part

Chicken Shit Blues

 

 Orkney, 1st April 2002

Dear Chicken Shit Wrangler, 

Jesus Living in Sin on Orkney with Queen Mother

The man from whom we bought the house is a lovely man, a non-churchgoing Christian and he tells me that God instructed him to sell me this house because he has great plans for me. mrs ishmael had a similar revelation about me in St Mungo's Cathedral. It must be true because, down in the Child Molester's Arms last night, I saw Her Late Maj dancing with a new-age type who kept on turning their glasses of water into glasses of fine claret; they were last seen dancing out across the Atlantic. The Christian said it was all part of the Plan.

 

One of our former neighbours in our temporary house gave his Excellency a going away gift of a packet of Emperor's Best Chews; a few moments ago I was assisting His Sereneness to an EB chew which had fallen from the Royal Throne and for my pains His Most Exaltedness was graciously pleased to sink the Imperial Teeth into my poor, unworthy hand, so magnanimously and so assiduously did His Magnificence apply himself to this favour that my undeserving hand is now, Hallelujah, twice its former size and I must retire.

 

Peace and Blessings from the Shores of drowned sailorboys.

 

ishmael smith  

p.s. When this house was being built Herr Mozart was writing The Magic Flute.

p.p.s. Her Grace, The Lady Elton John, is on holiday. In Colombia.

 

Orkney, 9th April 2002

 

Queen Mother Still Dead Shock

Radio Orkney this morning made the shock announcement that her late royal highness and former queen empress elizabeth of gin and tonic had been pronounced still dead having kicked the royal bucket good and, so to speak, proper, and was, indeed, liable to remain her royal lateness for a not inconsiderable amount of time, indeed, for all time, this totality of experience being the very essence of the state known as death. The newly elected Archbishop of Canterbury ( Her Ladyship the Countess Lady Sir Elton John of rent boys) was said to be inconsolable, but taking comfort from praying to Saint Boniface, Patron Saint of Lesbian Men, and ingesting huge quantities of Bolivian marching powder.

Your prayers are asked for Rocky Woo, who is very, very poorly, but very brave and sends his love.

Always remember, if you meet the Buddha on the Road, run him over.

Sent  from the land of No Macdonalds.

ishmael smith

 

Orkney, 2nd May 2002

Across the seas of night to the bright shores of morning

In the conservatory overlooking Scapa Flow a candle burns tonight and every night for His Late Imperial Majesty, Rocky Woo.

He went to sleep, without distress, a fortnight ago, looking into his mum's eyes and holding her hands with his royal paws. We had tried everything to sustain his life. I am beyond comfort. Rocky Woo spent lots of time with me when I was ill and he was my special, little, warm brown friend. I miss him dreadfully.

Light him a candle on a Fiji beach.  He will get to know about it. Emperors know everything.

Love from Orkney,

ishmael

Orkney, 13th May 2002

 

His Imperial Majesty

Thank you for your kind wishes. His Majesty will be pleased by your prayers.

Speaking on Radio Orkney President George Dubya Bush said America is a great nation a freedom loving nation and we will stand shoulder to shoulder with His Majesty's family at this time up to and including nuclear weapons against the veterinarians responsible for this cowardly act, sniifff-snifff, anybody on Orkney got a little white powder for the President? Mebbe some whores, too?

Joining by satellite link from the Eric Clapton tropical clinic for showbiz druggies, Her Grace The Countess of Columbia, His Serene Highness The Lady Elton John said he was totally and absolutely devastated and was said to be rewriting his classic Candle Up the Bum in honour of his Majesty and as a mark of respect he would refrain from ordering-up any rentboys for a whole afternoon.

Interviewed by the Birmingham Evening Mail the Deputy Chief Probation Officer said I was honoured to know His Majesty for many years and he would have made a great Chief Probation Officer. And so would I.

Deep in the Downing Street bunker the lady Antonia Blair strummed his Prime Minister's Edition Fender Stratocaster disconsolately:"Oh Rocky Woo ain't here no more, and what's a man to do?" Glancing at his comely wife Cherie "Greedybastard" Booth the Prime Minister asked "Do you think I could get Paul McCartney to play bass and maybe release it as a charity record, you know, in aid of New Labour?"

 'Don't talk shite you stupid little creep', was her fond reply.

 

ishmael smith and the Poor Boys. 

Always remember, if you meet the Buddha on the Road, kill him.

 

 

Orkney, 15th September 2002 

 

Oh, Momma, got them old ground zero blues again

Dear Chicken shit-you-not  Wranglers,

Your card does me honour and brings light to my humble home; I am prostrate with humility that such noble personages should acknowledge my worthless existence; or, as the barbarians would have it: So there, bollocks.

We were at a Fortieth birthday party last night. It was held in a cave and it was like something from the Young Ones, except they were all old; more the Sitting-down Dead than the Dancing Dead. Hundreds of the fuckers all sat at tables eating plates of Lard and Sugar. They had one of those fucking awful Abo diddly-diddly bands, you know, they play the same old dee-diddle-dee-diddle-dee-diddle-dee-diddle upside down and back-to-front for ninety minutes at a time, then stop for no discernible reason. Other than time for nose-bag. And they had some egg sandwiches. With no salt.

According to the Orkney diabetic team I am the coolest and healthiest sick person they ever met. I am so healthy that I make healthy people look rigor mortised. I tell them that it's because of how I don't bathe in lard and I don't clean my teeth with golden syrup. And how I come from England.

mrs ishmael had on her best leather trousers and killer stilettos last night, when we were in the Cave of the Lard People; we are sure to be the talk of the Islands today. The Lardfolk were dressed in jumpers with holes, ragged breeches and sandals, with tattoos and shell necklaces, bits of dried fish stuck in their belts and pouches of lard everywhere. Everysooften they use a stone knife to chop off a bit of fish, smear it with lard and pop it into each other's mouths, then they go back to picking lice out of each other's beards and hair.

Heavy shit with our Artist Acquaintance. I met this bloke outside the shtoresh and he started talking at me. He turned up with an invitation for his exhibition of paintings and proceeded to tell us he was in love with a woman who, unusually, was only about fifteen years younger than him. We went along to meet her for lunch the next day and I amnotkiddinya she was a one hundred percent twentyfour carat double-dyed, copper bottomed, gilt edged, sour, joyless, rancid, sorryassed, shit-eating dog bastard motherfucker. Fortunately, overnight, our Artist Acquaintance had fallen out of love with her. So lunch was difficult. If I was him I could never show my face here again. But who knows? Apart from me and mrs ishmael they're all fucking mad here. And sometimes.... I wonder.......about her.

Love from the Stone Age,

ishmael

p.s. The Lady Sir Elton John and His Excellency President George Dubya are holidaying on the moon  with Jill Dando, George Harrison and Liberace. 

p.p.s. Her Grace the Prime Minister Mr Tony Blair was reported to have been found in the Downing Street Bunker strumming his Prime Minister's Edition Fender Stratocaster and singing I am the God of Hellfire and I bring you.........Fire. 

The Prime Minister has been sectioned under the Mental Health Act and is being held in a Secure location, The Deputy Prime Minister, John Blubberman Prescott is in charge of everything.

God Bless America.

 

Orkney, 3rd February 2003

 

Martin Bashir a Child Molester, latest.

Interviewed outside the High Court, where he faces charges of being a dirty old man, Michael Douglas, 67, claimed that he had suspected all along that Martin Bashir was a childmolester. "As for the plastic surgery, well that's normal in showbiz, only in Martin Bashir's case it seems to have turned his face black. As for me", the elderly Mr Douglas continued, "why, I'm of the never-too-young school myself, so if Martin wants a bit of kiddy stuff, hey, that's cool, got a good lawyer, don't he?"

 

Orkney, 18th March 2003

 

In Sickness and in Health. 

Speaking on Radio Orkney, President George Dubya Bush said America is a great nation, a freedom loving nation and like all freedom loving nations the American people are dismayified at the catalogue of terrible things happening over there in the United States of England. First of all there was the death of Adam and the Ants and then the untimely passing of Lady Thora Hird of Chairlifts and Funeral Expenses Insurance. I've said it before and I'll say it again that this great nation of ours will hunt these people down, they can run but they can't swim. Our hearts go out to the people of the great isles of british. And Orney. Anybody got any coke, mebbe some whores?

Orkney, 29th March 2003

Pants, the New Shit

God bless President George Dubya "got any coke" Bush in his quest to divert the US population from the fact that he is a crook and a dopefiend, sorry, I mean in his quest for peace through bombing children.

God bless Dermot McDermot, God bless Robert Cliche Smut, God bless Richard and Judy, God bless Lady Sir Trevor McDoughnut, God bless Lady Professor Dr. Raj Persil, God bless Lady Sir Martin Bashir and, most of all, God bless Her Serene Highness, the Duchess of Colombia, The Lady Sir Elton John and his husband Mrs David Furnish.

God bless all celebrities and rich people. God bless the Queen Mother, God bless Barrymaurice or Robin Gibb, God bless Adam Faith, God bless Thora Hird, God bless George Harikrishna and God bless Kylie Minogue's arse and may we all rush out and buy Lady Sir Elton's new record Candle Up Saddam's Bum.

Lady Sir Elton says that as a mark of respect for all the children of Eye-rack he and his husband, Mrs David Furnish, will stop blowing cocaine up each other's bottoms for a full half-hour. "it's the least we can do."

Interviewed on Radio Orkney Professor Lady Sir Raj Persil said that those troubled by the war should rush out and buy his new book: "What to do when you want to kill the President, Strategies for coping". (Rush-out the Bullshit Publishing, Ltd. 2003) at the bargain price of £29.99

Speaking by satphone from the moon, His Holiness, Guru, Swami Maharishi Mr Bob Dylan mumbled; .....the answer my friend is blowin' in the wind, the answer is blowing in the wind.

Orkney, 6th April 2003

 Send Lawyers, Guns and Money

Drop everything and come at once. Bring weapons and guns. We have a houseful of chinese people who don't speak english, don't have a driving license between them, are looking hungrily at the gentlemen dogs, and are sniffing a lot.

I told them not to come, but they came anyway. At midnight.

What am I to do? Come at once.

Basil Fawlty-Smith 

P.S. Confucius, he say, hotel business a heap of horse droppings.

 

Orkney, 3rd August 2003

World Mourns Bob Dylan, Dead at 100 

Speaking on Radio Orkney, President George Dubya Bush said that Bob was a great American who left the world a better, more American place.

Joining by Satphone from his mum's house in Stoke on Trent, Britain's number 1 crooner, Robbie (Bob) Williams said he was absolutely gutted by the news. I mean, a hundred is like no age these days for rich people. I mean, its just not fair, man, like what am I going to do with all this money if I only live to be a hundred. I suppose I could leave it to me Mum but she might be dead then for all I know.

Speaking from Abbey Road Studios where he is recording his first million seller album, "Jesus was a Fishmonger, Too", Orkney's Cameron Stout, winner of the Big Brother Shite, said that Bob Dylan was a great Christian, just like me. 

Sobbing on the steps of Southwark Crown Court former Blue Peter presenter John Leslie said that he had never laid a hand on Bob Dylan, let alone stroke his bottom and force his tongue down his throat, all I want to do is be left alone to rebuild my career talking shite to braindead celebrities first thing in the morning and being paid loads of money for opening supermarkets and nightclubs.

Interviewed in Sacramento the newly-elected Governor of California and leader of the American Nazis for Jesus Party, Mr Arnold Schwarzennegra  said, Dere iss only vunn thing wad I can say and dat iss Hasta la Vista, Bobby. He was a great guy, for a jew.

 

At his Bahama holiday hideaway UK premier Tony Blair strummed a few chords on his Prime Minister's Edition Fender Statocaster: "How many roads must a man walk down. And that. I simply say. In a very real sense. To the people of Britain. Is the question. We must all reflect on the sad death of Mr. Dylan and then wait for a Public Enquiry to conclude that I never have and never would do anything wrong. Ever. "

In a letter to the Telegraph, the Guardian, the Mail on Sunday, the Scottish Herald and the Orcadian, mr ishmael smith stated that there had never been any such person as Bob Dylan but unfortunately there had been a horrid, cheesy, smirking comic called Bob Hope but, thankfully, and not before time, and having willed his staggering fortune to Robbie (Bob) Williams, he was now dead. 

Ulrika Jonssonn, 53, is on holiday.

Always, always remember, if you meet the Buddha on the Road, 

ask him

Does my bum look big in this?