Sunday, 6 December 2020

The Sunday Ishmael 6th December 2020

Salmond and Sturgeon - a little fishy? 

Nicola Sturgeon,  whose party has been in power since 2007, is set for a further term as First Minister, following next year’s Holyrood elections. She enjoys huge personal popularity in Scotland, being credited with calm, authoritative and consistent leadership throughout the Covid crisis. A safe pair of hands. Unlike Boris, whose hands were so unsafe that he not only had a near-death experience of Covid, but also had a second brush, requiring him to self-isolate, and whose team has been biting each other in the arse, much to the nation’s amusement. The Scottish experience of the virus has not been hugely dissimilar to that of England, whilst second-wave death rates are actually 25 per cent higher than those in England. Don’t bother with the facts, though – appearance is everything. Sturgeon looks the business. Boris, alas, poor Boris, doesn’t. Boris is Brexit. Sturgeon is pro-European independence. Sturgeon’s approval rating in Scotland is +49; his is -57. He is a liability for Unionists; she is the independence movement’s greatest asset. It is a bit of a worry. Opinion polls are reporting a Scottish majority in favour of independence. Nonsense and misinformation form the SNP’s claim that independence will leave Scotland wealthier - how can it be wealthier once the money stops flowing up the Great North Road from despised England - but the real driver for breaking up the United Kingdom is emotion. The SNP don’t like the English, don’t like being beholden, want their own sovereignty. As Sturgeon told the SNP conference on Monday, only independence will allow Scots to be the ‘decision makers’ in their own lives.

But, you know, there’s something very fishy in the Scottish Nationalist Party that just might save the United Kingdom when the Holyrood committee investigating the Alex Salmond affair reports before the election next May. It has been established that Sturgeon’s account to parliament of what she knew, and when she knew it, was at best incomplete and misleading. It has been said publically that Sturgeon has defied the Salmond Inquiry. 

Salmond alleges that he was stitched up by a government-led plot. The inquiry was set up in January 2019 after the Scottish government conceded that an internal investigation of sexual misconduct complaints against Salmond had been unlawful. The inquiry was put on hold when criminal charges were levelled against Salmond, being resumed when he was acquitted of those charges. 

The committee comprises a panel of nine MSPs - four SNP, two Tories, one Labour, one Green and one Lib Dem - headed by deputy presiding officer Linda Fabiani, with a  remit to consider and report on the actions of  Sturgeon,  Scottish government officials and special advisors when they dealt with two allegations of sexual misconduct against Salmond, submitted in 2018 but dating back to when he was in office. Salmond maintained his innocence, said the way the investigation had been handled was "unfair and unjust" - and took the government of which he had once been First Minister to court. The Scottish government conceded defeat prior to this Civil Case hearing coming to Court.  The two sides agreed that there had been a failure by the government in following its own recently-devised process, and that the report resulting from the investigation "could not be allowed to stand" because the investigating officer had been in contact with both parties. Salmond’s legal bill was £512,250, which the Scottish Government paid. 

Sturgeon had signed off the complaints handling process, drawn up in the wake of the #MeToo movement and sexual harassment scandals at both Holyrood and Westminster. She told MSPs she had spoken to Salmond several times about the complaints. Questions have been posed about what Sturgeon knew and when she knew it. She said that she first learned of the matter in a meeting with Salmond at her Glasgow home on 2 April 2018, and that it had been considered strictly an SNP party matter rather than one of government.  During his criminal trial, however, Salmond’s former chief of staff Geoff Aberdein - who helped facilitate the meeting - said he had met Sturgeon at her Holyrood office several days earlier, on 29 March.  Salmond clearly thought this a significant point - to the extent that he appeared to prompt his QC to ask Mr Aberdein about it - and the Inquiry will ask why they only heard about it via testimony in court. Salmond's defence QC, Gordon Jackson, told jurors that the case originated in the "political bubble" and "absolutely stinks" . 

Salmond's defence team very directly linked the failure of the judicial review to the criminal charges, claiming this "scandal" was the motivation for a politically-driven conspiracy against him. In pre-trial hearings, his lawyers said that after the "spectacular" collapse of the government's case in the Court of Session, people working within the current SNP administration turned their attention "very directly" to the criminal investigation and "sought to influence that process to discredit the former first minister". Witnesses giving evidence to the Holyrood Inquiry  include Sturgeon, Salmond, members of Sturgeon's inner circle of special advisors and her husband, SNP chief executive Peter Murrell. The Inquiry has required internal SNP records, Sturgeon's personal phone data and the evidence Salmond had prepared for the judicial review. The Convener, Fabiani, has expressed "frustration and disappointment" about the paucity of information handed over by the SNP government. The Inquiry is working chronologically through the drawing up of the complaints procedure, its application to Salmond’s case and then the costly debacle of the judicial review. The Inquiry has also expressed an interest in examining the "culture" of government, which could see witnesses called to testify about life at Bute House under both Sturgeon and Salmond. 

Related matters include an independent panel to determine whether Sturgeon broke the Ministerial Code in her dealings with Salmond, an internal SNP government review of how its harassment procedure had been applied, Salmond’s request  for a review of how the existence of the internal investigation ended up in the media, the implication being that it was a government leak, and SNP MSP Alex Neil demanding a "judge-led public inquiry" into whether or not the "organs of the state" had been involved in a "conspiracy to do in Alex Salmond".

 

Time to turn to mr ishmael's take on the Salmond/Sturgeon fishiness, some 8 years ago: 


 
SCOTLAND, BEST PART OF ENGLAND. ALEC SALMOND TOO FAT TO VOTE IN REFERENDUM. 8/2/12
Chairman Mac Tse Salmond, still on his Eating4Scotland mission.

Under new healthy-living rules, drawn up by his deputy, health minister, Ms Nicola Moustache, Scotland's First Minister, Chariman Mac, above, is far too fat to vote in the upcoming, loaded-question separation referendum.
Tipping the scales at twenty-five stones, (700 kilos), the bloated, would-be emperor can barely rise from his reinforced, tartan chaise longue in Butt House, the official home he shares with his invisible wife, Mrs Moira McBogbrush, 78.  We say shares, but since she lives in the attic out of sight and the fatman cannae climb the stairs, the sharing is a custom honoured more in the breach than the observance, as the great Scottish bard, Sir Sean Connery, wrote, on the bonny, bonny banks of Lake Geneva, where he sat a-sharpening his big magic sword, awaiting the call to free Scotland from the English vermin who had given him the knighthood he had craved all his life. The Salmonds' childless marriage, indeed, has caused some speculation as to whether it may be a traditional Scottish marriage, or a bit of a GB, as they are otherwise known, after the belated marriage of feisty, elderly jock, Gordon Brown,  or even a bit of a Charlie, after the hastily-divorced dipsomaniac, zed-list teevee celebrity and former leader of the Shiteaters, Mr Charles Highland Laddie  Kennedy.

Ms Moustache , below,
said that too many Scots were drunken, obese, wifebeating crossdressers and the SNP's overwhelming majority meant they were entitled to bar fat bastards from voting, whoever they were.
 

  SHABBY SALMOND IN THE BUNKER: A GRUDGE TOO FAR. 12/10/14

The tribesmen's conduct of the recent referendum was, as you'd expect,  grubby and anti-democratic; massive public funds were deployed to advertise and secure a Yes vote; public employees were cautioned not to speak a word about politics to their friends or clients, students or patients; local councils were compelled to embargo any and all news which might tarnish the image of the Scottish Executive and wretched bullies like Jim Sillars threatened all and sundry with A Day Of Reckoning. Tribesmen, of course, brought politics into their workplaces, because it was alright for them to do so, their cause being just and noble. Terrified for their future careers in a possibly independent Scotland,  nobody senior in the local council said Boo! Despite all of Salmonds' sleazy behaviour and obnoxious bullying his cause was roundly rejected and were he and his supporters democrats that would be the end of it.

But were it to be the end of it, it would also  be the end of the SNP. In part-government for years, bribing voters, cutting deals, heavily privately sponsored  by absentee Scots,  having written the referendum question and set the terms and against a national backdrop of unparallelled political cynicism, Salmond and Sturgeon could not deliver a majority for independence; whither now, the fat man and the wee fishwife, soiled goods, failures, gabshites?

Well he's off, blustering, his load shot, although he says he will continue to represent the constituency which shit on his independence proposals, will they have him and can he stand them, traitors all, unpatriotic, Tory lackeys? 

She, now, must face proper scrutiny; why no children, is it cruel nature or obsessive career?  Either way, national womanhood will be suspicious. Mr Fishwife?  He's the Chief Executive of the SNP.  How cosy is that,  the taxpayer paying her salary, the party member paying his;  national womanhood will be suspicious.  National  womanhood raises children. For the nation. National womanhood doesn't, as a rule, work so closely with husband, so well-paid and pensioned;  national womanhood often does menial, part-time jobs, just to put food on the table - Ms Fishwife dines at official banquets and claims for her food on expenses.

National manhood, Jock, will not, does not, take kindly to having a woman in charge; Alec's deputy is one thing, First Minister is quite another.

The best thing, though, for those opposed to separation from friends, relatives and struggling comrades, is the fact that, quite dictatorially, without consultation, Alec has unilaterally written off the debts of PollTax non-payers, many of whom only registered to vote in order to support independence and now find themselves being pursued, via the electoral roll, by cash-strapped councils which now know where they live.
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mr ishmael's essays today are:
SCOTLAND, BEST PART OF ENGLAND. ALEC SALMOND TOO FAT TO VOTE IN REFERENDUM. 8/2/12
SHABBY SALMOND IN THE BUNKER: A GRUDGE TOO FAR. 12/10/14 
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 If you would like to read more from stanislav and mr ishmael, the anthology of their essays is available from lulu.com.   and it is now listed by both Blackwells and the Book Depository
 
To buy a copy:
please register an account with Lulu first.  This will save you a couple of quid, as going straight into the links provided below seems to make paypal think it's ok to charge in dollars, and apply their own conversion rate, which will put the price up slightly for a UK buyer.  Once the new account is set up, follow one of the links (to either paperback or hardback) or type "Honest, Not Invent" into the Lulu Bookstore search box.  If you follow a link, a pop-up box asks for age confirmation - simply set the date to (say) 1 January 1960, and proceed.  If you type the title, the anthology will not appear as a search result until the "show explicit content" box (found at the bottom left by scrolling down) has been checked.  You may also see the age verification box, as above, at this point.
Honest, Not Invent is available in paperback or hardback.
Link for Hard Back : 
Link for Paper Back : 
There's a 30% discount for a couple of days: with the voucher code = BFCM30 in the coupon box, which takes 30% off the price before postage.  If this code has expired by the time you reach this point, try a google search for "Lulu.com voucher code" and see what comes up.  
Hand, Alex. You have been warned about this sort of thing.


News from a Dark Island
 
Breaking News.....Breaking News.....Breaking News.....Breaking News.....Breaking News.....Heard on Radio Orkney this morning:
 
Monday, 30th November
 
Due to heavy rain in the night, there are lots of big puddles all over the ground, so be careful.
 
Police are actively pursuing their investigations into the theft of a three-foot high, illuminated plastic Santa from a front garden in Kirkwall. Thieves struck at an early hour in the morning, cutting through the electricity cable to make off with the Santa.
 
Tuesday, 1st December

Police are acting on information received that a man was seen carrying a large plastic Santa through the streets of Kirkwall in the early hours of Sunday morning. They are inviting members of the public to come forward with any information they may have regarding this matter. In the meantime, police are scrutinising CCTV footage of the centre of Kirkwall and are confident that they will make an arrest. 
 
It is very cold today
 
Wednesday, 2nd December 
 
No Santa news. 

It is very cold today. The big puddles, about which you were warned on Monday, have deeply frozen, been broken up by car tyres, with shards of glass-like ice all over the ground, then re-frozen. The Peerie Sea is in the process of freezing. Do be careful.
 
Thursday, 3rd December
 
Kirkwall Sheriff Court news: In the Orcadian today, a full report of the sad and instructive tale of the 72 year old Marine Superintendent,  who was stopped whilst driving home from his retirement party by police, who were acting on information received that he had been drinking at his retirement do. His breath alcohol reading was 30 microgrammes, whereas the Scottish limit is 22.  He'd had a pint and one whisky and thought he was within the limit. The moral of this story is not to have a retirement do, certainly not invite any snake colleagues and get bladdered at home instead whilst watching the snooker. He was disqualified for one year and fined £400.
 
Santa found! The dismembered body of Santa, who had been abducted from the garden of a Kirkwall residence, has been found, "all broke up round the back of Tesco", according to your  reporter's informant. He had been carried all the way through the city centre, and he's a bulky fella, down through the town and out onto Supermarket Alley, where he was callously smashed to bits and abandoned. There are several CCTV cameras along the route of Santa's final, sad journey, and police are still scrutinising footage. The Santa has been replaced with an identical illuminated figurine, at a cost of £60.00.
 
It continues cold.
 
Friday, 4th December
 
The residents of Edinburgh were awakened at 4:00 am this morning by the sounds of many explosions rending the peace of the night. Police reassured the anxious citizenry that it was not a terrorist attack, but thundersnow, which is like a thunderstorm, but amplified by the lightening bouncing off snowflakes. 
 
All the snow has turned to water  in Kirkwall, so mind how you go as there are big puddles on the road.
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Christmas  
by John Betjeman
 The bells of waiting Advent ring,
The Tortoise stove is lit again
And lamp-oil light across the night
Has caught the streaks of winter rain
In many a stained-glass window sheen
From Crimson Lake to Hookers Green.
The holly in the windy hedge
And round the Manor House the yew
Will soon be stripped to deck the ledge,
The altar, font and arch and pew,
So that the villagers can say
'The church looks nice' on Christmas Day.
And girls in slacks remember Dad,
And oafish louts remember Mum,
And sleepless children's hearts are glad.
And Christmas-morning bells say 'Come!'
Even to shining ones who dwell
Safe in the Dorchester Hotel.

And is it true, 
This most tremendous tale of all,
Seen in a stained-glass window's hue,
A Baby in an ox's stall ?
The Maker of the stars and sea
Become a Child on earth for me ?
And is it true ? For if it is,
 
No loving fingers tying strings
Around those tissued fripperies,
The sweet and silly Christmas things,
Bath salts and inexpensive scent
And hideous tie so kindly meant,
 No love that in a family dwells,
No carolling in frosty air,
Nor all the steeple-shaking bells
Can with this single Truth compare -
That God was man in Palestine
And lives today in Bread and Wine.



Thursday, 3 December 2020

The Crown - not Netflix

 Apparently, the Firm has been a little disconcerted by its depiction in The Crown.

 

Look, Netflix can't begin to approach the full horror show of the Family. 
Nice shiny blue sashes, gentlemen. Sets the right example.
how did he get in here?

Anyway, this little video contains some historic footage from The Firm's greatest  moments and marriages: tip - put it on full screen

The Beautiful South: Don't Marry Her, Fuck Me.