WHAT THE PAPERS SAY, THOSE TELEGRAPH WRITERS AND THEIR TIPS TO BEAT THE RECESSION

JANET DALEY, THE UGLY AMERICAN BROAD

"QUITE SIMPLY THE POOR MUST DIE, IT IS THE ONLY POSSIBLOE SOLUTION, GRRRRR-WOOF."

SIMON HEFFER

"THE POOR SHOULD BE DRIVEN FROM THEIR HOMES WHICH QUITE FRANKLY THEY SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN ALLOWED INTO AND USELESS DAVE MUST ARRANGE TO HAVE THEM MACHINE-GUNNED. I'LL DO IT."


FILED MARSHAL MAX VON HASTINGS.

"WHAT'S THAT? SPEAK UP! HAVE THEY PUT ME IN CHARGE OF THE ARMY? NO?
BASTARDS. JUST WAIT 'TIL I GET ON QUESTION TIME, I'LL SHOW 'EM. CIAO! MUST DASH, EXPECTING A CALL."

WHAT THE PAPERS SAY, CRUEL IRONY AT THE DAILY FILTH-O-GRAPH

"Sarah Brown, from frumpy to fabulous
Gordon Brown's wife is the one redeeming feature of his tenure as Prime Minister," says Bryony Gordon.

"Move over, Kate Moss. Get out of the way, Posh Spice. Come in Jordan – or Katie, or whatever it is we should call you now – your time is up. Ditto Angelina Jolie, Britney Spears and the pretty one who married that footballer and judges The X Factor. There will be no more free designer handbags, or dinners at Nobu. The paparazzi will soon stop following you down the street. For there is a new woman in town, and her name is Sarah Brown."

CYBERSTREET OF SHAME. THE NEW GUARDIANISTAS.

 

DAVID WHINE; ONE HALF OF NON-COMEDY DUO, WHINE AND WHINGE, ALL BBC OUTLETS

What I don’t get is poor people. Complaining all the time. Why didn’t they go to Cambridge, sidle into the BBC, for life, as half of a whining, unamusing comically atonal duo, from there onto Question Time with Dimbles (Oxon, third class PPE, Bullingdon Club member) and then onto the Guardian with Alan Arsebridger (Cantab)? I mean, Stephen Fry done it, I’ve done it, John Cleese done it. All these poor bastards have to do is go to Oxbridge and know the right people, or be born to parents who know the right people. That would shut their fucking moaning.