PEER REVIEW. THREE NOBLES EXPLAIN THEIR SUPERIORITY.

TORY PEER VOWS TO STAMP-OUT DOPING.



Lord Sebastian Coe, former sweat-buddy


Aye, there's nowt I like better after sixteen pints than a good sweaty work-out in t'gym, like, wi' a fine 'andsome man or ten,
(sings)  there ain't nothing like ay gangbang,
there ain't nothing like ay gangbang,
there ain't nothing like ay gangbang,
to blow awa-ay the blue-ues.

and marital confidante  of Lord William Miscarriages,
 


Ah.....well.... I simply say to you .....ah..... lay-deez-an-gentulmen of the ah .....press, that my esteemed colleague, Lord Coe, has...ah... seen the photographs of my wife, wotsername's ......ah....uterus... and he can con-furm, from those images,  that I yam ay definitely heterosexual husband, definitely. 
And now that my good friend, the prime minister, 


HamFace and Fffffffion Uterus.

has graciously given me ay meal ticket for life - and I must say the food really is rather good and the per diem rate is not half-bad, although I expect to be given ay proper, well paid  job, as befits my status as ay boy-lover and friend of Madam Jolie and between us but mainly myself, we have managed to stamp-out rape or landmines or whatever it is - now that I am properly honoured for my selfless public service, perhaps these unfounded rumours about me will at last subside.  I only ever  shared  ay bed, mr tiny speaker,  with young Chris in order to save money. 

And because he is rather pretty. 
Or was. 
A bit old, now, to be frank.  
But we must not forget, as scholars and statesmen, 
that the Greeks to who we owe so much, well, not just now, they owe us so much, as ay matter of fact, 
but historically, the Greeks, who, let's face it, invented Conservatism,
 believed that significant gentlemen, such as myself,
 had a public duty to bugger the prettiest young men of the day, 
in order to initiate them into proper citizenship. 
Oh, they had wives, too, so the boy thing wasn't really a pleasure, just a duty. As it was with me. Even though I never did it.
But if I had have done it I would only have been being true to the British Parliament's Greek roots.
 And let's face it, mr tiny speaker, which of us would argue with  Mrs Thatcher, 
I mean Mr Aristotle?
As for the ...ah....non-scandal of my covering-up the Welsh Tory non-child abuse scandal,

well, if I had done something like that I certainly would not be in the House of Lords, would I?  
So fuck off, you can't touch me. 



Or, indeed, any of the noble, learned and degenerate colleagues, of which I yam now one. 
And one of whom would most certainly have been our late colleague in public service, Sir James,
had not a vicious campaign been mounted against him by poor people whom he had kindly groped, fingered and raped.


 today announced that doping would no longer be tolerated.

MPs and peers are there to do a job of work, he said,

 and too many of them are off their faces;  



drink, crack, whores, money, spanking, beasting, the place really has gone to fuck


 and after having won dozens of gold medals,
 brought the Olympics to London 


and helped get GayWilly elected prime minister
  I see it as my mission to clean the place up.

Sorry?  Wossat? 
Athletics? Not Westminster? 

But surely, if the lawmakers're breaking all the laws we need to start there, not with some Russian ladyman running around a track over and over again, up to his tits in amphetamine; I mean, come on, how much harm can that do, compared to the former foreign seckatry flogging-off his address book, 

or the Chancellor doing tax deals 
favouring his old school chums 

Yes, it is a great British product,
 flying the flag for Britain,
 creating jobs for British workers in Chinese sweat shops, 
a true  British success story.   
Tax?   What, on its earnings?
No, it doesn't pay any tax, why should it? 
 If you'll forgive me, that's what's wrong with this country.  
People who went to decent schools already do this country a great favour, simply by staying here,  the idea that they should pay taxes is frankly something from the Middle Ages. Or the nineteen sixties, anway.
Phew, anybody gotta line or two, for the next prime minister?


or the chairman of a select committe covering-up for a disgusting old pervert?  


Vaz:  I am probably the most important Asian in the country. 
And that's why you should believe me about the noble and learned Lord Janner. I'll be buggered if he was ever a beast.
My sister is very pretty, you know.
No, she's not for sale.
Not exactly.


  

And, continued an exasperated Lord Coe, the whole fucking shower of them have been fiddling their exes for decades and nobody ever does fuck all about it;  they just call it something else. 
I mean, all this bollocks about athletes cheating, of course they fucking cheat, that's how the entertainment world is. And nobody, Huw, gives a fuck if some cycling headbanger or some mad  greedybint sprinter is wired out of their gourd. 

 
 It's parliamen needs detoxing - drunks, druggies, extortionists, blackmailers, slags, pimps, ponces and child molesters -
not the sweaty end of showbusiness.

Welcome back to the Six O Clock News from the PBC, with me, Huw Welshman.
That was Lord Seb Coe there for us. 
And we wish him luck with that, cleaning-up MediaMinster, bless.
Need his running shoes with that, I shouldn't wonder, look you, 
isn't it?  And a bucketful of speed

And next up is the elevation to the Great Latrine of State of veteran Aparetheid Campaigner, Lord Peter Orange. 

 Lord Orange......

Well, Huw, jest a minute, you should, if I may say so, get yer bleddy facts straight. It was myself end my parents who ectually ended apartheid in South Efrica, thet was before I came to England, to become a Welsh Tory MP working for thet great kaffir-basher, Tony Blair.  Christ, he knew how to hendle them niggers. Napalm, thet's the ticket, end Cruise missiles.
 


Et wes all finished with et thet point, et the time I left South Efrica. Oh, I know thet misguided commentators say thet et wes de Clerk end Mendela who sorted et all out, bet et wes me.



OK Lord Orange, we'll leave that there. But you have always said that you were dead against the House of Lords......

Well, again, Huw, you should get your bleddy fects right, I never said enything ev the fecking sort.
I have always admired the sterling work done by peers end I am heppy to join them in their selfless public servicer.  Got that?
I mean, come on, man, pull yourself together, we're both Welshmen, right?



 Some say, your Grace, that you are doing this for the money, that you can run a business, for instance, as do many peers, using the House of Lords as your business address and write you begging letters on official stationery  and have the postage paid-for by us and that you can entertain clients to slap-up lunches, largely paid for by us........

Ebsolute nonsense, Huw,
Ebsolute nonsense, I hev always lived modestly, exactly as do those great Welsh souls who regularly voted a careerist South Efrican ponce, like me,  into the greatest legislature in the world. Mind you, they've voted for two generations of Kinnocks, now, so thet proves something.

But no, I hev never claimed for enything to which I was not entitled. I em one hundred per cent in my determinsation to stop the Lords gravy train, jump on it, and order the driver to go Full Speed Ahead.

Northern Ireland? The Comfort Letters?
  Letting all those murderers off?
Well, Huw, I'm afraid that you demonstrate a failing common in ordinary people, who don't understend things properly.  When I made deals with serial murderers and torturers, I was acting in the very best interests of my own career, as anyone would.
Jeremy Corbyn?  Not to be trusted.  Did you know he ectually spoke to those murderous scum, my good friends, Gerry Nonce and Marty Kneecaps.  
No, vote for Yvette Cooper.  A prime minister, who looks like a boy in a miniskirt.  Jest the fecking ticket. Go down a fecking storm she would, with us old boys in the Lords.

Feck off back to South Efrica?  Why the feck would I do thet?
Made a fecking fortune here, I hev, eff you lot. 

 

Well, thanks for your time, Excellency,


That's OK Huw, my seckatry'll send you my bill.
And, don't be so formal, jest address me in future as My Lord.