Wednesday, 12 August 2009

WHAT THE PAPERS SAY

NEWS ROUND-UP

HAMPSHIRE OLD BILL TO FRAME DEAD MAN.

Posted by Picasa


We are sure we have the right man this time, said Detective Superintendent Jock McTavish, of Hampshire Police, unlike last time when we knew we had the wrong man all along but just left him in prison for twenty seven years, yes, that's twenty seven years, until our worshipful brethren in the Appeal Court had no option but to let him out. The Force bears this man no ill will, we feel that twenty seven years is almost enough time in prison for someone who was guilty of being innocent of all charges, although we would have preferred his life sentence to have meant life, in order to deter other innocent people. Will Mr Sean Hodgson receive compensation for his twenty seven years ? Well, that's a matter for the Home Office but we would hope not, not in these difficult economic times, when every penny is required for public sector pensions, like mine. I mean, it is time the public realised that it is only officers such as I and mine who are separating society from a total tidal wave of honesty and decency.

As for the dead bloke, well we can quickly fit him up and it'll be Queen's Medals all around, only not for Mr Sean Hodgson who, having protested his innocence all these years has served triple the amount of time as would a guilty murderer and rapist and is probably not quite right in the head.

Posted by Picasa
ENVY OF THE WORLD,THE BRITISH POLICE,
I CAN'T THANK THEM ENOUGH.


I can safely say, continued Worshipful Master McTavish, that the people of Southampton can rest easily in their beds knowing they have a magnificently professional police force entirely committed to framing people up and letting murderers roam free; to protect, you might even say, and serve.

Injustice Secretary, Mr Jack Torture, said that he was minded to have lots of dead people dug up and jailed for twenty seven years. It will prove to dead people, far too many of whom, I am minded to say, get off Scot-free, that they can die but they can't hide. This tragic case of the police being revealed as a shower of wicked, evil, savage bastards very precisely makes the case for them knowing everything about everybody and having everyone's DNA on file so they can frame people beyond fear of contradiction. Sieg Heil.

AND THAT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IS WHY ILLEGAL DETENTION, WRONGFUL IMPRISONMENT AND TORTURE ARE THE TRUE HALLMARKS OF A CIVILISED SOCIETY.



Braying on all stations, skymadeupnewsandfilth's Simon Heffer said that if only people listened to his own Serene Indignant Bulbousness then this monster, Hodgson, instead of having been a burden on taxpayers like himself, would have been topped long ago.

SIMON HEFFER, THE GREEDIEST BOY EVER.

Justice, that's what these criminals need, never mind appeals. Read the Telegraph. And I would volunteer to pull the lever, continued Bunter, for a thousand words.

Posted by Picasa

A DAILY TELEGRAPH EDITORIAL ON CRIME AND PUNISHMENT,
BURNING ALIVE, IT'S THE ONLY THING THEY UNDERSTAND.




VICIOUS OLD DYKE ATTACKS STUDENT.

Posted by Picasa
President Hillary Trousers today stood up for little people all over the world by sourly rebuking an African student for mentioning her pretend husband, Spunky Bill, in the same breath as herself, even though the student didn't.


Spunky Bill isn't the President anymore, fumed Hills, I am, or I woulda been, shoulda been, if it wasn't for that nigger bastard. And I stopped channeling ANY part of that lousy gangbanging bastard of a husband a mine long ago. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that he was Mile-High sky-banging the skinny asses offa them slope broads he sprung from Korea so don't come here asking me what that fat grinning fuck thinks about anything, sonofafuckingbitch.

President Trousers left the audience doing what didn't get her chosen as the Democrat Presidential candidate; that thing, pointing to someone in the audience, anyone, and doing a knowing grin-cum-wink, as if she knew them intimately, in a good ole boy sort of a way. Cunt. Like this.

AND THIS
AND THIS
AND THISAlign Centre
AND THIS
FUCKING MONSTER

A State Department spokesman said that President Trousers was on a womens' rights-building mission across the Dark Continent and so it was entirely right that she had freaked out at the mention of her pretend husband, Bill Ah-Feel-Your-Tits Clinton. Hillary hopes to spread carpet-munching initatives all across Africa; pussy is where it's at right now in US foreign policy, only not for Spunky Bill. I think it is a measure of the change in US policy, under Senator Obama, that the main priority of the Secretary of State, President Trousers, is dissing her old man. Rally Round the Flag, Y'all.


GORDON SNOT APPALLED AT BURMESE SENTENCE.



Speaking from his Top Secret but widely-leaked voluntary works project in Fife

Posted by Picasa
MR SNOT WORKING WiTH THE DISADVANTAGED.

Mr Snot said he was appalled at what had happened to the gook woman, An Sung. What they need is a proper police force, like the one which brought the serially innocent monster, Hodgson, to justice. Twenty seven years would have done for that split arse, Aan Sung wotsit, and if I hear anymore from the Misses Blears and Flint that's what they'll be getting, too. I'm in the Lodge you know. Don't fuck with me. What the Burmese authorities need to do at once, if they seek the friendship of the the UK government, which Mr Mandelstein

LORD PETER, ONE OF THE DARK FAERIES.
"I WAS BORN TO GOVERN"

and I run, is that they must immediately and without delay send this slope bint off on a CIA AirTorture LearJet to Morrocco or Algeria or somewhere, in order to acquire the right evidence to secure a conviction. Douglas Alexander, he'll sort it out for them, he deals with the wog stuff. A few hours with the hundred and first airborne gangrapers'll soon refine her undertsanding of the democratic process. Torture, it is the right thing for the country, otherwise people will take liberties, not that they have many left, not here, anyway.

The other thing they could do, the Burmese gentlemen, is have their chief of police get photgraphed with secret files which everyone can read, sack him, go and arrest all the people in the files and then release them because they hadn't done anything wrong in the first place, or at least nothing that we could quickly invent, by means of beating them and scaring them with dogs.

I stand always ready to comment on injustice abroad whilst remaining silent on the matter at home, it is called leadership and as I travel the country being barracked by small goneoutofbusiness businesses and homeless unemployed families, I must remind myself that the courage I showed in defeating the Glasgow terrorists is what this country needs, and never mind homes and jobs. We stand ready and willing to advise General Oo Wacka Doo in all aspects of his internal security; we, the unelected leaders of the world must stick to-gether. And my official wife, Sarah-George, has aked me to be sure and invite him and his partner to next year's Gay Pride. And I'd jolly well better do what she says, because she wears the trousers, although I wear the nappies. Only joking. Isn't Burma where Siam used to be? My Father, the minister, who aren't unfortunately, in Heaven, took me to see The King and I once but not on a Sunday, obviously. You Brynner, there was a man, sigh

(sings, in doleful brown voice: Hello, young lovers, wherever you are.....)


FURTIVE LITTLE MAN CRIES DOOM.


ONE TWO IS THREE, TWO TWOS ARE SEVEN,
THREE SEVENS ARE EIGHTEEN, FOUR TWOS ARE TEN,
TEN TENS ARE FORTY NINE.....

The so-called Governor of the Bank of England (prop, Chinese Government) has again claimed to be able to find the hole in his own arse, despite all the evidence to the contrary. Doom may well be at hand, said Sir Mervyn King, quietly and confidently, but the main thing is that the banks are now stabilised sufficiently for them to start paying massive bonuses again to employees who have been denied them for quite a few weeks and who have been bumping along on six-figure salaries. It was vital that we got all that sorted out before eminent experts like me, who couldn't accurately foresee the future this past twelve years, can start off predicting what's going to happen in the next twelve, and in a most extraordinary fashion, expect sensible people to believe us, which, in the main, they do, at the BBC, anyway.

Unemployment may rise to five or ten million but at least those in the City have been properly rewarded for their efforts. Inflation may well turn to deflation, manufacturing disappear completely but as long as I and my team of Unwise men and women are here to read the runes, there is little to fear. For us.

Why on Earth, does anyone listen to this worthless, conceited, gibbering arsehole, eh ? Or any of them, those who brought us here ?

BEASTS NAMED AND SHAMED, SCREWS THREATEN STRIKE ACTION

Posted by Picasa


The Prison Officers Association, ScrewsRUs, has issued a statement deploring the naming of the three Baby P Beasts, above. Our members have enough to do, said Officer Brian Gay,

POA MEMBERS DEFEND THEIR ANCIENT RIGHTS TO RUN CONTRABAND INTO THE JAILS,THROW PRISONERS DOWNSTAIRS AND ENJOY MASSIVE OVERTIME PAYMENTS.

formerly an acting lance corporal in the Territorial Army and now Generalissimo and Chair of the POA - running drugs, mobile phones, porn and alcohol into the nicks is hard enough without having to take time out to make sure that these three get the kickings they deserve but nobody can blame on us because we are so understaffed. It really is taking the piss, taking their pictures and selling them to skymadeupnewsandfilth will take up enough of our time, without us having to pretend to look after them. The govament should look out or they might find themselves with a long hot summer of discontent in the nicks. Or winter. I predict a riot.

AND FINALLY,
FAMOUS DOG HAS SHAMPOO.

DOG, BUSTER, RELAXING IN A FLUFFY TOWEL,
AFTER A GRUELLING SOAP AND WATER ORDEAL.



23 comments:

Oh Dear said...

Nice to have you back, and in such fine form. Still got all your fingernails?

Famous WHAT has shampoo? Dog? Are you quite sure?

Loved the Mandy pic.

call me ishmael said...

Il est Buster, coeur de lyon; le chien magnifique et formidable.

caesars wife said...

Buster not involved , in running off with stick incident or mysterious poo left on lawn ??

Mrs Clinto clearly tells members from cast of "dark heart of Africa" that they are not American and dont talk like southern slave descendents , how dare they .
Wonder if she met Mugabe !! probebely enjoyed dinner with Gun toting emebzzler , now he does sound American .

Ruin contemplating , making himself prezident another country that appreciates him more , says not enough worship of him in UK and mandelson is a pretender , not eough room for two crooks in UK one has to go .

narcolept said...

More Buster pics please.

The Dyer's Garden said...

Did you waterboard him, just to test his mettle?

Oh Dear said...

I can scarcely credit it. Humour from The Garden!

Birthday? Won the Lottery? Annual romp between the sheets?

What next - humility?

Anonymous said...

I live in northern Thailand and see displaced Burmese everyday besides the "legal" ones there are hundreds of thousands here all over Thailand undocumented and exploted good style,so another reason the true death toll from the 2005 Tsunsami will never be known, what they going to do if the Thai gaffer doesn't pay them, go to the police? They have a gun in one hand the other stretched out for money.Every morning on a street near Tesco (yup we have them here)there are hundreds of day labourers waiting for work men and women the women have the babies tied around their backs with a shawl. Sometimes when we need work doing we have them to do it and yes they love working for me as I pay double the going rate.The tales these people tell and I for one don't think they lie are truly awful, forced labour, kids used in the army as free labour, rapes everyday. Still as you say just a bunch of slopes so who gives a fuck? Burma from when the Brits ran it the richest nation in SE Asia to what it is today, the people who live and work near us are stoics always smiling I think humble is the word I am lookimg for the kids, do as they are told and respectful the women, how they cope is beyond me as there is a camp nor far from where we live and try this the huts are made from corrugated steel fuck knows what the tempreture is inside during the day? I know one guy works here with no papers, in the local market car park attendant he lost both arms when forced to work with the military in Burma. He is never without a smile and sells garlands of flowers we use them here as air fresheners for cars. His wife comes down a couple of times a day to see to his toilet needs with their two kids in tow. So if any lazy idle slags and scumbags waiting for their beertokens to arrive on Monday it might be an idea to pop over here to see how the other half live.

A young Lithuanian carpenter said...

***standing ovation****

Edgar said...

Excellent, as ever, Mr Ishamel. I have a cat. Fortunately, she is very good at washing herself. It is fortunate because any attempt to soak and sud that little kitty-cat would result in major woundage to the would-be washer. I think that's what I like about cats: they like to be left to do things their own way, thank you.

PT Barnum said...

@ Edgar

Be thankful you have never had a kitten end up covered in some unspeakable mess which it cannot clean for itself. After a shower and shampoo, he spent the next three days being remorselessly cleaned by the other cats who apparently found the smell of shampoo offensive. Poor blighter. But he was very clean.

Dick the Prick said...

Dear Mr Ishmael - accidently blagged a degree in economics back when sap was rising and thoughts of probity and honesty still held currency so was especially pleased with the claim of Merv the Swervy Perv to locate his ring piece: I love the fan graphs they do which only allow for every possibility - err.. so you've not got a fucking clue eh? Perhaps the Met Office should take note and save the effort of being rebuked for being utter shite.

And to Mr Anon 0.41 - cheers I guess.

black hole sunset said...

Was thinking about those 'cone of uncertainty' graph recently, Mr DtP.

The thing is, picking any of them at random, the subsequent 'real world' outcome has always been in the bottom quartile, at best - funny that.

They haven't correctly called a single significant aspect of this financial crisis, not one. Worse than pure chance - funny that.

Over to that hulking, unelectable scat-fiend some call Leader; politics as a dirty protest, McBroon is merely the dirtiest.

call me ishmael said...

Care to expand on that, Mr BHS? Along the lines of a meta-conspiracy conspiracy ?

call me ishmael said...

That's a depressing tale, mr anonymous at 0.41, all over the world, here, there and everywhere, people just seem to resign themselves to injustice.

black hole sunset said...

Just in the sense of them, the percentile fan graphs, being yet another line of hopelessly dishonest, highly politicised tractor stats (like crime, unemployment, education, healthcare etc.) that consistently understates negative truths in favour of positive falsehoods.

McBroon and Badger supply enough input values to the underlying models (expected tax revenue, social security spending, value of sterling, government borrowing, price/interest volatility etc) to get whatever output graph they want and that's why the resulting predictions are consistently wrong.

That said, those graphs do seem to work quite well if we take the worst 25% of proposed outcomes (the bottom quartile) as the true range of likely outcomes and discount the rest as fantasy - so they are, or seem so far to have been, consistent and accurate in that sense at least.

McBroon et al haven't correctly called a single significant aspect of this financial crisis because they've lied about its origins from the outset (rather than admit their own culpability and negligence in the matter) and their predictions continue to fail because they consistently downplay the real scale of risks and losses in favour a self-serving fantasy.

"locking in stability", as Brown once put it =)

The Dyer's Garden said...

Daisy, oh dearest, why do you keep doing this to yourself? To mock an utterance you obviously do not understand is to look a fool whatever its merits or demerits.

The (gentle) point was about Mr Smith's curious susceptibility to conspiracy theories. Scepticism cuts both ways: just as what virtue there is in politics is all vanity so what vice there is is mostly stupidity and incompetence. But evil on that scale? Perhaps Mr Smith has access to information we do not have...

Anonymous said...

That's a depressing tale, mr anonymous at 0.41," I don't think so, I for one am amazed at the resilence of these people and the real not "fake charities" who work on their behalf they acutully live with these people not like the Christian charities who fuck of home to their luxury apartments at 5PM with full security on site and spas unlike the poor sods whom they work with.
They are in my opinion real heros and heroines working here in Thailand they have nore balls than I do including the women. I know some of these people they live near me. Some of the tales they tell would make people in the UK think twice before filling up their cars at a Total petrol station. Total are buiding a pipeline from the Andaman sea across Burma to Thailand, they say they don't use forced labour, in all probabilty they don't but they don't look to carefully at the sub contractors who do. Repression is a bit like poverty it's relentless you don't get a day off these poor sods have the luxury of both. A long time ago in the UK I was poor and decided to something about it unfortunatly here it's a bit more difficult. I am from the UK and know that freedoms have been eroded bit by bit so people can't protest as they are up to their eyes in debt as in take a look at my 50" LCD TV and brand new car. When these people protest they are shot. We are 7 hours ahead of GMT so all the people if they read this, which I doubt very much spare a thought for your fellow human beings even they are "slopes" but hey who gives a fuck its a long way away?

call me ishmael said...

Evil on what scale, Mr TDG ? On the scale of Shock and Awe, maybe; does that not qualify as a conspiracy of Evil? Do we also accept the official explanation of nine-eleven, up-to and including the apparently spontaneous combustion and self-demolition of building seven, do we consider as evil the beatings and detentions of victims' relatives protesting at Bush's conduct, or is that just another random point on your infinitely elastic moral yardstick of sophistry. Is it a conspiracy, an evil that in dismissing the appeals of the Birmingham Six, Alfred, Lord Denning, the great jurist, remarked that even if the West Midlands Police had acted brutally and wholly illegally - as they did - it would simply not do for the Court to so find?

Modern history - and ancient - is littered with malign conspiracies, I am not curiously susceptible, it is you, rather, in eschewing the perfectly reasonable assumption that Established Power will do and say whatever is in its interests, who is naive.

I don't know how or why Kennedy was killed. How or why the Twin Towers collpased so neatly and unprecedentedly into their footprints, why the other building collapsed, why the US Air Force was stood down on that day, why it was that John Scarlett so conveniently wrote what he was told to write by Alistair Campbell.

What I do know is that even relatively mundane statistics and information are spun - ie lied about - relentlessly; this is not, as you have it, stupidity and incompetence, this is wickedness.

It is not my curious susceptibility to conspiracy theories which is remarkable, it is your own seeming acquiescent gullibility. One simply cannot believe a word these people say. I would sooner believe a lunatic, escaped from Bedlam, than the prime minister of the United Kingdom and I am perfectly prepraed to believe that there is far more to the events of nine-eleven, as we obediently call it, than we have been or are ever likely to be told; I find it curious that you find that curious.

Next you'll be telling that me that Henry Kissinger's Nobel Peace Prize was a milestone in enlightenment and that my cynicism is curious.

In next week's issue: A bunch of Saudi Arabians attacked us, that is why we must invade and occupy Iraq, forever; Read all about it, here at skymadeupnewsandfilth.

call me ishmael said...

Dear Mr anonymous

I always read your posts with interest and the brevity of my repsonses indicates not indifference but an unwillingness to vie with your own evident passion.

"That's a depressing tale, mr anonymous at 0.41, all over the world, here, there and everywhere, people just seem to resign themselves to injustice."

Is just axiomatic; implicit, too, in everything you say. However hard individuals work to relieve and make better this shit, its perpetuation in a world of plenty, is depressing.

As for slopes, niggers, kykes, hebes, jocks and the whole ghastly cavalcade of grotesque stereotypes, somebody more learned than I, with whom this place happily abounds, will explain that these usages are not derogatory, au contraire. Or at least I hope they will.

The Dyer's Garden said...

Iraq was invaded not *because* of the humanitarian tragedy that ensued but *in spite* of it. 9/11 and the other terrorists acts you refer to are the converse: their proximal aim is tragedy, the more unjust-seeming the better. That is the key distinction: governments are often guilty of the former but very rarely of the latter. Sadism - for that is what it is - does not institutionalize well.

So to argue it is highly implausible that George Bush conceived and executed the murder of several thousand Americans in the most nationally humiliating fashion imaginable just to strengthen his political position (thereby risking damning his name forever) is not to argue the killing of hundreds of thousands of arabs standing in the way of US commercial interests weighed heavily on his mind. Nor is it to make any kind of moral judgment - elastic or otherwise - about the killings or anything else. It is just about plausibility given our knowledge of mankind, of which you seem to have more than most: hence my puzzlement.

black hole sunset said...

Dear Mr Anon, I did read your post, with interest, and have spared more than idle thought to the people and circumstances you describe; will spare many more, for what it's worth.

Not more learned, by any stretch of the imagination, but I will vouch, without reservation, that the use, hereabouts, of the terms to which you refer, is only in the strongest opposition to their common meaning and intent.

What is said here, as I understand it, often says, but never means, that which other, by their actions, mean, but do not say.

call me ishmael said...

These bits, Mr TDG are not stand-alone, unified field theories, complete, irrefutable, internally consistent over long periods, even though if you compare them with the heritage press I am sure you would find them moreso; part of their purpose, if purpose they have lies in an attempt to at the very least undermine the machinations of skymadeupnewsandfilth, ccasionally, therefore, they advance the possibilities - or suggestions - that things are not as we are told they are, whether it be nine-eleven or the murders of the two young princes by Richard Crookback; Shakespeare, after all, was a Tudor plaything, Richard a Plantagenet.

I don't know what happened in the Lockerbie matter but I know that Jim Swire, who even though he is a doctor, is no fool, believes, on the basis of prolonged and extensive examination of such facts as are available to him, in Megrahi's innocence and in a larger conspiracy - that some state or state agency conspired to bring down that aircraft. US reluctance to permit a proper investigation of this matter, as with the alleged torture evidence barred from UK Courst with the connivance of the Foreig Secretary, indicate that Uncle Sam has something to hide.

To turn to the pragmatism or otherwise of nine eleven being a false flag operation one would think, as you say, that any administration so involved would be eternally damned and ridiculed, funny how, given the size and sophistication of the US military and intelligence machine that that didn't happen, that, instead, long-rehearsed plans for the invasion. occupation and plunder of Iraq just swung into operation. But then it was that filthy commie, Stalin, who specialised in the Great Big Lie

It will be on public record, somewhere, that I disputed the verdicts in the Birmingham Six trial, the Guildford Four case; warned, in some detail, some five or six years ago, exactly where the UK economy was bound to end-up and scorned and derided the Barry George proceedings, among other similar matters. Alone in this quadrant of cyberspace we have accurately predicted all election results, at home and abroad, on which we have commented. Thes facts are mentioned just to amplify the need to repudiate unti destruction what we call conventional wisdom. As w ehave mentioned before, conventional wisdom would have us still swimming around in the sea. There is no need for puzzlement, or justification, either, there is nothing here unique. Here is not the scattergun of indignant demagoguery regularly discharged elsewhere, nevertheless it is a maxim of mine that we should question everything which Power tells us, that we should examine, consider what may at first appear outrageous.

I don't accept that Geoge Dubya had the intellect to mastermind any such event as nine eleven but then he didn't have the intellect to become President, that was down to his handlers and to the Supreme Court, wasn't it ? I do believe, however, that his capacity for wickedness is infinite. And I believed that long before he even ran for President.

As to whether or not a Western leader would allow such a thing, didn't Churchill "allow" the bombing of Coventry, rather than reveal thet he knew of it in advance via the Enigma encrypting machine which the British possessed. Churchill was, of course, at war, but Uncle Sam has been at war, too, for most of the last century or so, with anyone who doesn't do as he says, his own people especially, be they red, black, brown or even white.

call me ishmael said...

You see, Mr BHS, more learned. I never knew that that's what happened, until you put it like that. There is no credit due to the author but much to the late Mr Lenny Bruce, peace and blessings be upon his Hebe name. Thanks all the same.