NEW LABOUR WINS ELECTION.

AP and Reuters are announcing that New Labour has won the general election in Afghanistan. It goes to show, said Baron Mandelstein, from his private bed in the King Edward the Seventh hospital for sore arsehoiles, that you can't keep a good man down. Or Gordon Brown, for that matter.

The prime minister fought a brilliant campaign on the issues which matter to the people of Afghanistan - mortgages, credit cards and jobs at Vauxhall - and has been elected their prime minister, too; a first time for everything, you see; all we need to do is strafe and napalm a few marginal constituencies here, at home, bribe a few local warlords, we've done it already in Sparkbrook - so rough, that Baron Hatterjee, cruising for a bruising If you ask me - and it's five more years of not boom and bust, but just bust.

PREMIER GORDON ALI SNOT GETS DOWN TO WORK WITH HIS NEW CABINET.
RIGHT, BROTHERS, THIS OPIUM STUFF, WE CAN UNLOAD SOME OF IT ON THE TORIES.
JUNKIES. D'YE KEN, THE DO-NOTHING PARTY. EXCEPT DRUGS. D'YE KEN I'M A SON OF THE MOSQUE? TALK TO ALLAH ALL THE TIME.

Moaning Minnies, continued Lord Crabs, are saying that the July borrowing figures show us, and particularly Mr Alistair Badger, up shit creek without a canoe and never mind a fucking paddle, the whole country up to its nostrils in debt over all this money we have contributed to the vital bankers' bonuses but they should try going and saying that to the people of Afghanistan, if they can find any, that is, most of them seem to have disappeared into thin air, probably indoors at cocktail parties. Did I mention that I was born to govern ? My arse? No a routine operation, best to have it while I'm in charge of the government .Wrong ? No nothing wrong with my arse, why on Earth should there be?