Monday, 17 August 2009


Our brother in Christ, His Hostageness the Right Reverend Terry Waite, is standing against Mr Alan Cheeky Duncan in the General Election at Melton Mowbray or as Calleth-Me-Dave, Lord might soon be calling it, Meltdown Mowbray.

Sir Alan is currently on a fact-fondling mission in the Far East with his husband or wife, delete as appropriate, which is probably what the Melton Mowbrayans will do with Alan, forcing him to spend his own money and not mine on tarting-up his gardens.

Mr Waiter, who is famous for being held hostage for a hundred years by Walid Jumblat of the Druze Militia said he was very relaxed about being in parliament for five years. Once you've been chained to a wog radiator for five years even that cunt Bercow won't seem too bad. I have nothing against Moslems, we are all brothers in Christ after all and when all's said and done, at the end of the day, the bottom line is that there is but one God and his Son, Jesus wotsaname.

TelBoy is a former Special Envoy of No Importance to Archbishop RuncipleSpoon of Canterbury and his brother is the John Waite, off Radio Four. The current Archbishop, Rowan Whiskers, said, Oh for fucks sake, can't somebody take this bastard hostage again, mouthy fucking git. That's all I fucking need, what with the queers in the States and the fundamentalist nig-nogs in Africa and the carpet munchers storming the citadels at home, who needs this fucking loony running about getting in everybody's face.

The people are desperate, said Brother Waite, for honest beards. A sea of beards across the green benches, that's what they want. And hymns. And sermons. Only decent Anglican ones and not this fucking miserable bastard Presbyterian shit, sourfaced bunch of wankers.

Below, His Grace looks into the distance, sensing celebrity.

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Other celebrity hostage news:

Mr Sean Hodgson, held hostage by British law enforcement and jurisprudence terrorists for twenty-seven years, said he had no plans to stand for parliament.

Mr Barry George, detained and imprisoned by the infamous al-met, said he felt lucky not to have been shot dead by al-met gunmen in reprisal for Ms Dando being killed. These fuckers'll shoot or frame anybody. Terror? They wrote the fucking book. I'll not be standing for parliament.


Anonymous said...

Our Tel said "Its a mans life in the Church of England" mainly because he was a spy.

Anonymous said...

We must not expose ourselves to misinterpretation, fawning flatteries, temperament, character, or circumstance, nor must we be detected bartering the higher aspirations of life, like those by sculptor graven for niches in a temple. That oily and servile, bulky figure--I confess I have had my doubts. He affected the tone of an impartial observer, varied and animated, watchful, suspicious, and timid, spitting the glory of salvation, while violating all decency with a kind of beggarly flimsiness.

call me ishmael said...

A hulking, brooding and unlikely Narcissus, it will be good sport, his contest with the facetious,smirking, overdressed dilletante; if the arbiter were merely personal repellence, Waite would romp home. Waite and Rantzen, eh, a cure more malign than the complaint, itself; a nightmare purgative.