Friday, 7 August 2009



This weekebd, celebrate Gordon Brown bringing about the end of the recession and winning of the war on terror by making some garlic-infused oil, for frying steak and chop and sausage and bacon for butty and other healthy dinners up. Also can mix-up with Balsamic vinegar and serve with chopped up baguette and butter as hors d’ouevre, if pate and prawn cocktail cannot afford, or even Brown Windsor soup. Oh, fuck me, do try some oils and breads, is very sophisticated. And cheap, too, for miserable jumped-up dinner partying sonsoffuckingbitches. Have some bread and dip in oil.

Can buy in TESCO but is shitty little bottle with two eggcupsfull of oil and not last five minute and cost too much, best to make few litres at home and shove in front of dinner guests.

Here is stanislav method of preparation.

Tools required:

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Go in garden, taking dog, Buster, for piss at same time, have to go on lead because naughty old dog is and run back in house for piss instead of do in garden, like good boy does; is only sometimes but pain in arse is. Old bloke now, Buster, and gets confused.

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Go down in garden admiring last of Lupin and Highland daisy, pulled up from A9 and spread now, like fear and loathing in cabinet.

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Locate some garlic among weeds and maverick potato and not worry, is not so bad as it looks

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Pull up garlic from ground. nb is easy thing to grow garlic, just break big bulb in little clove and stuff in raised-up bed and forget about while writing blog and doing plumbing, come back in few months and pull up by neck. Can leave longer and bigger will be, but nice and young is sweetest and best, like this.

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Take up in house, chop from stem with big fuck off knife and wash off from dirt, taking good care to put waste bits in compost bin.

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Split in cloves and crush a little with big fuck off knife and drop precisely good handful in bottle of olive oil, any sort will do and leave for ten days, infusing to do.

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Can do exact same process – Go down garden, pull-up from ground etc with Thyme, for frying or roasting chicken and stanislav favouritest of all is Rosemary, just do exact same with handful of fresh picked Rosemary and is good for Roast Potato a la Cardiac Arrest, Roast Lamb and almost any white or oily fish, only not smoked, can use any herb-infuse oil for oil-an-bread and for dressing-up salad leaf, either alone or in combination with other stuff. Can pour in mashed potato and fry up cabbage and stuff like that, cover with black pepper, ground up in mill, like Dago waiter does and say Enjoy, cheeky fucking bastard, get punch in fucking mouth off stanislav, enjoy or not enjoy is stanislav business and not oily fucking Dago in apron.

If not garden has just buy stuff from TESCO and make up as before. But garden is best and anyone herbs can grow, on windowsill even, only not hemp or Old Bill come in will bashing down fucking door and retrieve few grammes of weed with street value of ten billion pounds. All that shit. Fucking wankers.

Anyway good happy cooking from stanislav. Herbs taste good, are best medicine, look good, taste good and by Golly, does you good. Granma’s pharmacy was hedgerow, innit.

Later this weekend, Zen in the art of the Kilner Jar.


Anonymous said...

Chili, too. grow your own chili, drop it in the oil, and wait a few weeks. Fry chicken bits in it. Don't give to Buster, though.

caesars wife said...

Dont forget garlic ward of vampire and associated agent of darkness HMRC , who by next year will be in nazi unform , clubbing pensioners for lying about bus pass.

tough on wealth and tough on the causes of wealth vote labour !

The Dyer's Garden said...

All lovely to see, but I do hope Stanislav is also trying hard not to marinate his brain in excess sugar. We need it to last.

woman on a raft said...

Brunettes & those with thinning hair: a little rosemary oil (not garlic) is a traditional treatment. Brush a dab in to help darken hair, and/or massage in to roots to encourage stronger hair growth.

I've done limited tests on the hair growth theory and I believe there is some truth in the old story.

As I have two legs I was able to treat one with a rosemary leg lotion (base lotion with rosemary oil added) and the other with the lotion alone, with nothing added to it. Application each morning, after shower, being careful to rub in the plain leg first to avoid any contamination with the rosemary leg. I wear trousers most of the time so the legs could not contaminate each other.

I realize an experiment based on one leg and one control is statistically insignificant, but I'm not a milipede and I can hardly be expected to evolve a new physiology, even for the sake of science. I'm not putting cards in the newsagent's window to recruit extra legs, not after what happened last time with the mushrooms. There are some very strange people out there.

After a month the hair growth on the rosemary leg was deemed to be significantly more luxuriant than the other leg by an independent waxer, but we don't yet have a good index to compare them, so I can't give an estimation of how much hairier the rosemary leg was, only that it was enough to be visible to the aked neye. It also hurt more at removal, indicating the folicles had been stimulated.

An additional feature, which may or may not be a benefit, was that rosemary lotion has a head-clearing aroma reminiscent of furniture polish. By the end of the month the rosemary leg had a beautiful patina and I recieved a favourable valuation when I took it to the Antiques Road Show, should I ever wish to sell it.

rvi said...

Being an unsophisticated yob, I still prefer my mealtime bread with a simple dab of fresh butter.

lilith said...

Lovely pics, Stan. I have just spent an hour and a half making a Mediterranean Quiche. Had all the lovely ingredients in and poured the egg mix over. The egg mix promptly exited the flan dish through the bottom and spread itself all over the cooker. At this point I am sulking and reminding myself that I should never cook. The quiche is in the bin.

call me ishmael said...

Real men don't eat quiche anyway. Lilith. Let him eat cake, mr elby, that is. Too good for him.

narcolept said...

Real men will eat quiche if you call it egg and bacon pie, I have found. Only it has to be very burnt on top, in homage to the school-dinner original.

Madam Lilith, I am troubled by your quiche incident. You did put pastry in the flan dish first?

lilith said...

There were holes in the pastry base. It seemed to rise when I was blind baking it in spite of the layer of rice I had put on it to weigh it down. I then had a lot of fun getting the rice off the pastry base.

lilith said...

Elby likes his cake, Ishmael, so that is lucky.

madam narcolept's unsolicited cookery advice said...

It is easier if you put the rice on top of a piece of greaseproof paper. And not bake the shell until it's totally crisp - just starting it off will do. I never bother with blind-baking myself, I just sprinkle a very thin layer of semolina on the base before pouring in the filling.

Or just buy one from Mark&Spark, mostly.

Mr Stan, you have a lovely garden. I suppose Buster would be very affronted to hear himself described as adorable, but that's what he looked in that picture of him in his vest.

45govt said...

Good to see Buster still got measure of plumber and rumours of his incapacitation premature.

WOAR - Hairy legS on raft are a very good thing generally, adding appreciably to buoyancy.

P.S. - Is Ishmael Gaelic for Delia?

call me ishmael said...

Buster is fine, thanks, Mr 45, all things considered, although older than he was, and sometimes disagreeable and unco-operative, like many of us.

Sharply aware of his own importance, Buster would, Madame narcolept, consider adorable to be but a trifling recognition of his superiority.

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