WHAT THE PAPERS SAY, THE CALGARY HERALD

LONDON - British Prime Minister Gordon Brown said Tuesday he was "angry" and "repulsive"

I am angry and repulsive, said the elderly Scotsman, in his first comments on the controversy,and I hate everybody. First off, I've got this fucking Hymie nutter, Benjamin Nazianyahu, threatening to use flamethrowers and barbecue any wogs setting foot in Jerusalem and then there's all this shit about Libya. Fuck me, all they did was wave a few flags, 'snot as though they shot down another airliner or anything, how can I fucking help it if they get hold of some SNP flags and wave them around, like fucking numpties. I can't stop them doing that in fucking Glasgow, how'm I supposed to stop a load of fucking wogs in teatowels doing it in fucking Tripoli or whatever fucking shithole it was. This is a globalised global globe, people wear Man United shirts in Uzbeki-fucking-stan, what's so special about a Saltire. But even so, I am angry and repulsive, just like people want me to be. And disappointed.

Why can't these Middle Eastern bastards just worship like decent Presbyterians? Did I mention that I'm a son-0f-the-fucking-manse - for manse think vicarage, but without the noncing, obviously - so I have a theological background myself but even so, Jews, fucking Sunny Moslems Shia Moslems, 'senough to make me join the Bee Enn fucking Pee, and the whole fucking shebang overrun with fucking American Anabaptists, Christian fucking Scientists, Lutherans, Seventh-Day Adventists and fuck knows what else. D'you know that half of those fuckers believe that the world was made in six days by some old git with a white beard, sitting up in space for trillions of years, well, forever, really, until, six thousand years ago, He just thought, I know, I'll just knock up a planet - I already done gazillions of them - and this time stick a coupla disobedient arseholes on it and make their lives fucking miserable as sin, which I'll invent and make really nice, something anybody'd wanna do and then tell them they can't do it, not unless they wanna roast their balls and tits off for the rest of Time and just to fuck everybody's head up I'll stick some twenty million year old fossils in the ground just so's they can disprove Me, and then I'll nuke the bastards Jesus fucking wept. Everyday I get up and there's some fresh band of fucking religious maniacs giving me a pain in the arse. I am very angry. And very repulsive.

And the other half, they think that it's a woman's duty to spend a lifetime having abortions, just filling up the East River with aborted foetuses and that it's a man's duty to have as much weird gay sex as he can and that it's the kids' duty to steal their parents' automatic weapons, drive down the school and shoot the fuck out of their classmates. And every bastard has to eat himself stupid and get a lawnmower attachment for his SUV, just so's he doesn't inadvertently get any exercise while mowing the fucking lawn.

Premier Brown, who hails from Limey Mexico, said that the decision to release the raghead terror bomber had not been his but if it hada been he couldn't say how he woulda jumped but that he woulda done the right thing for the country and all the homeless families and small goneoutofbusinessbusinesses.

The Limey debt is too big to get all on one page.


editor's note, Calgary is believed to lie in the frozen wastes of Canada, the best part of the United States.