From the Drafts:
stanislav said...
Here is the Stabbing Round-up
FROM THE OFFICE OF SOCRATES JOHNSON-SINGH, MAYOR OF LONDON:
Well it is a jolly rum do, all this knife crime thingy. But I jolly well dunno what they expect me to do about it. I'm not really Socrates, just enjoy a kebab now and again, after a skinful. Maybe I should appoint some more mouthy, bent, black perverts. As a token thingy. Gone now, anyway; line in the old sand, learn valuable lessons, move forward. Enquiry cancelled.
Instead of stabbing each other, can't these people just rampage through the town in evening dress, smash the place up, frighten the locals and get Daddy to pay the bill, like we used to; go to coke parties with their old university chums, y'know, do a spot of insider dealing, try-out some other cove's bitch; engage in a bout of the old flagrante delicto in the back of the Bentley, what ? It's not as though we don't set them a good example. Cocaine? Never touched it.
IN THE HOUSE the shadow leader of the Tory party, The Kid, is on his feet:
Ay ay ay funny thing happened to me on the way to the house, Madam Deputy Spunker (cheers) but then, perhaps, perhaps Madam Deputy Spanker, honourable and right members will forgive me if I keep that little apercu for my paying customers (groans of disappointment from all sides.)
As, Madam Deputy Splasher, for these truly dreadful events, whatever they are, I was only saying to Lord Sebastian in the shower this morning, all this stabbing, y'know, it'll have to stop, but he wouldn't be told, naughty boy. It's not as though we, in this place, don't set people a good example.
FOR THE GOVERNMENT, Stabbing Minister, Tony McNutter said; I will be responding to people's very real, very real, um, things, Mr Spunker, as ever, by passing new freedoms legislation which the government has already voted on and we will, therefore, not need to detain members who can just get on with their property portfolios, their shopping trips to Mr Lewis's and, as the right honourable member for Richmond has just indicated, their boyfriends.
The thrust of the legislation - The Do As You're Fucking Told, Citizen, (Temporary but Permanent powers) Act - is a return to the founding principles of both my own party and, indeed, all political parties.
As of now, Mr Spunker, any voter who doesn't do as they are told by anyone acting on my behalf will be shot, their assets forfeit to the Exchequer and their family sent for re-education. (Cheers, waving of papers.)
ON BBC's THIS WEEK PROGRAMME Andy Slaphead Jock, Murdoch multi-millionaire and pretend journalist, sits shoulders hunched-up, like a Hibernian hobgoblin, informally tieless, if not wigless, holding his postcards, smirking, as well he might:
Diane, you know some poor black people, don't you, do they smell frightfully bad ? I mean, aren't poor people dreadful ? Whats your take (1960s slang = opinion) on this?
DIANE LARD, pretend MP (from inside a billowing black tent.) Well, Andrew (waving arms around) I blame the parents; as you know, I was so conscientious a parent that I sent my precious little baby to an expensive, fee-paying, radical socialist school, in order, purely, you understand, to keep him from harm's way, out of reach of my constituents' grubby children and not to give him any advantage in later life, like when he inherits my seat.
So my conscience on this matter, as in all others, is clear. As for the trash and riff-raff in my constituency, well if they can't be bothered to get the very best for their children well, why should I care, not as though I'm paid to represent them or anything. It's not as though I don't set them a good example.
(turning, smiling acidly) Michael, you should know, does Barack Obama have a big one ?
DAME MICHAEL PUNCTILLIO, MURDOCH EMPLOYEE AND FAMOUS COWARD: Indeed, and you make my point, Diane, some of these black chaps have whoppers, as Ron Davies often remarked, when he was Badgers Secretary; it beats me why we can't find jobs for some of them, lots of them, down at the House; why, even some of the female members might find use for a well-developed young ree-surch assistant, although my instinct tells me that they'd be gobbled up, so to speak, by the gentlemen members. You might try one yourself, Andrew, if you ever tire of totty young enough to be your granddaughter. Are we going to be singing Gimme, Gimme, Gimme a Man After Midnight again this week, Andrew, I do hope so.
JOCK NEIL: No, we're not, and that's enough of poor people, let them stab each other to death if they want. Now we have some other facetious, self-aggrandising, celebrity fuckwit I met at a do the other night, I think it's that bald, angry bloke, the pretend soldier, Kemp, another chum of my friend, but not yours, Rupert. Ross will be telling us how they deal with knife crime in the SAS. Which he isn't in.
But don't blame us at This Week for all these stabbings, it's not as though we don't set a good example.
FROM THE OFFICE OF THE CROWN PROSECUTOR, SIR McFREEMASON:
In view of the appalling number of poor people stabbing one another to death, we rich lawyers have decided that it would be a waste of scarce resources to prosecute our worshipful brethren in the houses of parliament, the police, the civil service, the BMA and elsewhere, not that we do.
I have decided, therefore, to amend the Misrepresentation of The People Act, so that henceforth, it is in the public interest that no members, past or present, of these groups may be prosecuted for anything whatsoever, up to and including procuring, prostitution, racketeering, blackmail, money-laundering, extortion, murder and war crimes. Even though they have all done them.
This step merely formalises the existing custom and I feel that it will meet with wide approval. Among those, at any rate, who gave me my job and will give me my retirement peerage, pensions and QUANGO posts.
This fair and even-handed, fearless application of the legal process is bound to restore confidence among those who thought that laws they had made against other people might be unfairly used against themselves.
Now that politicians are free once more to carry on regardless of the law I am confident that all this knife business will just go away, not that anyone important cares about it; rather useful actually, never too young to be an Enemy Within.
It is in this exemplary and impartial execution of my duties that I demonstrate to poor people that I am doing my best to set them a good example.
More stabbing news on the hour, here on Sky with Kay Hatchet. For updates to your mobile, text STAB to news@sky.com
July 7, 2008 12:26 PM
The
Do As You're Fucking Told, Citizen, (Temporary but Permanent Powers) Act, being a roaring success, it has now been enacted - mrs ishmael.
5 comments:
That Act, as consistently foreseen by Mr I, has found its true moment, has it not? The regiments of Those Who Know Best have come into their Kingdom, and those who relish the smack of firm government are enraptured. Bliss is it in this dawn to be alive.
Now, mr bungalow bill, you and I, and our many, many, silent readers out there in Ishmaelia, revere the memory of mr ishmael as a visionary prophet, noble tilter-at-windmills and bloody funny, but not everyone joined in the chorus of oh yes, he is.
On January 23rd 2008, Paul Linford posted on his Blog: "I had in mind a particularly disgusting post on Guido in which a sock-puppet called "Stanislav" claimed the Prime Minister was suffering from chronic mental illness as a result of having repressed his homosexuality, and that marrying Sarah and having children as the prospect of No 10 drew closer had essentially been a front."
Oh, oh, oh, which particularly disgusting post would that have been? So many to choose from. But Mr Linford gives us a further clue about what he finds particularly offensive, as on April 17th 2009, he posts:
"Back in 2007, Guido spent months attempting to convince his blog's many readers that Gordon Brown had been photographed on a rocking horse wearing a nappy, and to utilise the power of search engine optimisation and Google to spread this ridiculous tale across the entire internet. It even made it onto Wikipedia, and when I tried to remove it, some patsy came along and reverted my edit.
He also gave house-room to a sock puppet called "Stanislav" who suggested, in one particularly disgusting post, that the Prime Minister had been steadily driven mad by the strain of repressing his "homosexuality" over many years - part of a deadly serious attempt by the right to fix the idea of Gordon as a "weirdo" in the public's mind."
The idea of Stanislav as a sock puppet of the Right, and Guido's man is beyond-beyond funny. I hope that Linford witnessed messrs stanislav and ishmael laying about the Tories with the sword-stick when the Tories crawled back into power after Snotty Brown's government crashed and burned. It's the venality, not the colour of the tie, that inspired the diatribes. He that is first shall be first Up Against the Wall.
Je touche mon chapeau to mr verge for discovering Linford's posts.
And now, of course, 7/8ths of posts on the e-newspapers comment boards are sockpuppetry and trolling - much of bought-and-paid-for, I suspect. Something has been lost.
Yeah, mr mongoose, dear boy, but remember what it says on the tin: "The chronicles of Ruin, continued. Call me Ishmael said....intelligence is knowing what to do when you don't know what to do. Anonymous said... When I don't know what to do,I come here. 10 September 2009 22:59"
There you go - thanks, everyone, for keeping on coming here.
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