NEWS FROM SCOTLAND

FOUR YEAR OLDS TO VOTE FOR FREE SWEETS

VOTE FOR US, I MEAN ME.

A CROSS-DRESSER AND HIS MOTHER.

Och, said, Sir Alec Lard, of the Jock Tribesmen’s Party, them weans is Scotland’s future so why should they nae hie the vote, the noo, d’ye ken. And Ah’m sure, Mr Presiding Officer, that after we gie them a whole big bag a sweeties that they’ll vote fer mah continuance in the job a King-Elect and McBeneficiary Pursuivant a all that oil that they English pigs has stolen offa me; it is an ancient Scottish title and as King I should have it, the noo. Ah mean, here Ah am, struggling along on three salaries, three sets a expenses and three pensions, and this wi’ a recession going on which I never spotted either, being a brilliant economist by trade. Obesity, tooth decay? No, no, no these are just the national characteristics of a proud, full-grown Glaswegian man with a life expectancy of at least forty-seven years. Which, Mr presiding Officer, is nearly as good as some African states. So there, who says we can't do greatness?

I dinnae hie any weans masel’, Christ, the Mrs is way too old, and we keep her in the attic, anyway, or the Ancient Lavender Suite. But if Ah did hie any they'd be sure to vote for an independent Scotland wi' me as King and mah very good friend and mah employer, Mr Donal McTrump, in charge of everything.

TWO LOWLANDS GOBLINS

OUT PROMENADING
WITH FULL-SIZED HUMANS
(note how they hold paws )