FROM THE PORTUGESE POLICE.

Dear United Kingdom. We, ze Portugeezers, are grateful to Senor CallEemDave for ze loan of some crack detectives from Scotland Yard an' are 'appy to 'ave some 'elp with our investigations from  ze fabled genius coppers of ze world famous Met. Zey truly are ze envy of ze free world.  What with taking ze endless bribes off Senor Murdoch an' 'ees esteemed journalists an' aving done so for years an' fucking years, and with Senor Yates   covering-up ze evidence wizout even looking at eet an' standing outside Scotland Yard an' telling a 'ole pack of fucking lies we feel we are tremendously lucky to 'ave ze 'elp from such an august body of coppers in finding a way to 'elp Senor Gerry and Senora Cilla McCann

out of zair deefeeculties - zat is to say  zat everyone with a brain sinks zey are a lying pair of repulsive, wicked an' shameless  owyousay arseholes.

Eet ees only men of Senor Yates's calibre 'oo can turn sings upside down and back to front and make us, ze Portugese Police,  responsible for ze disappearance of ze McCann baby and not ze McCanns zemselves, 'oo was too busy getting peesed to look after ze leedle ones. We look forward to ze Met showing us Dagos 'ow eet  ees done.

We 'ave laid-on some bribe and some 'ores an'  plenty of cocaine an 'unleemeted credit card, as well as some elderly ceeveelians 'oo ze Met coppers can beat to death  eef zey get a leedle fed-up an' so zey weel feel right at 'ome. Evenin' all.

JAPAN, A DOCTOR WRITES

 Dr Gerry, Father of the Year winner.

My wife, Cilla, and I know all too well what it means to lose everything, just like these little yellow bastards. Once we had it all;  we were on all the best breakfast tee-vee shows, feted by the tabloids and even the prime minister, Mr Snot, would jump when we snapped our sticky fingers. Now, we can hardly get arrested, well, not in England anyway.  Even the home seckatry, Mrs May, has fucked us off, declining to become part of our never-ending roadshow. So, in a very real sense, our world, too, has been swept away. Thank goodness that charitable donations, from very sensible people,  have paid-off our mortgage and funded our world travel and we have put a little aside to help us cope with the loss of our celebrity, I mean our daughter, wotsername.

At this time, people will be wanting to donate to Tsunami Relief - well, those whose granddads weren't tortured on the Burma Railroad will - but I would just like to remind them that charity begins in Portugal, I mean at home.  It would be helpful in my judgement -  and I am a clever doctor - if people moved to donate would just take ten per cent of their donation, send it to the Nips, and forward the remainder, the ninety per cent, to the Keep Gerry and Cilla out of Jail Fund (a registered charity run by myself and my brother) this way Cilla

 Dr Cilla, tireless campaigner for neglectful parents.

and I will be able to fend off any impertinent enquiries about why we are such a pair of shits.

Thank you for caring, we are the real victms in all this and every penny you send will be spent on us, I mean the search for little wotsername  With  best wishes at this difficult time from Gerry and Cilla McScam.

Divorce? Certainly not. Gerry and I are united in guilt, I mean grief.

GERRY AND CILLA. THEIR ADVICE TO BELEAGUERED CRICKETERS.

Well, the first thing is to say that everybody does it, said Gerry, a handsome, clever young doctor. 

Taking bribes or abandoning three infants while you go on the piss, it's all the same. I mean, who hasn't left their infants alone and at risk, who hasn't taken a bribe? It really is unhelpful to pretend that there's something wrong in shockingly bad behaviour.  I mean, our difficulty was only with little children, yours is so much more important, being about money.

Yeah, said Cilla, a beautiful and clever young doctor, and the other thing is just to not answer any questions them bizzies ask you.  They have such a cheek, asking you all them questions like that, just cos you're gorgeous, like I am.

And the other thing, added Dr Gerry, helpfully, in his soft Scottish whine, is to blame the police for everything, I mean if they'd been looking after the children, as they should have been, none of this would have happened to poor little Wotsername.  What you need to do is blame the police for not doing their job right, it's actually their fault that you took the bribe.

And the other thing is that you can turn this to your advantage, like, continued beautiful |Cilla. You know, like the public'll stand for the three-card trick;  just tell 'em that you need their help to get away  with it and they'll send you shitloads of money, pay-off your mortgage and everything. With our help you can all win Sportsman of the Year Award,  never mind get convicted; just like everybody thinks we're great parents, like, even though we're shit.. Yeah, I know, fab, innit.  That'll be ten grand, please. To help us find Madeleine, like.

NASTY WOMEN IN GREY JACKETS: ABDUCTION COULD NOT HAVE BEEN PREDICTED

 Unfortunately we cannot blame any overworked, underqualiifed and unsupported young social worker, said Ms Alison SourFace-Career, of Kirklees Social services, but the cuts, very necessary for me to keep my career on track, will give us an opportunity to get rid of some of them.

 A social services enquiry has ruled that no-one could have predicted the abduction of Madeleine McCann.  There was a clear bond of affection between Drs Gerry and Cilla McCann and their defenceless infant daughter and this was why they went out drinking and left her all alone in the dark in  a strange place and didn't report her apparent disappearance until hours after it was discovered.

These people are doctors and have every reason to earn millions of pounds from charitable donations,  we must all remember that they are the victims here, even though they are not.

As for Karen Matthews, continued Dr Carole Sourface-Smith, author of the Cover-up Report: No-one Is To Blame, Again; well  all she wanted to do was make money out of the staged disappearance of her child, which she had arranged.  Who do these people think they are, doctors?????

WHAT THE PAPERS SAY. THE EVENING STANDARD MAGAZINE. THE CELEBRITY PAGES

We are instructed to celebrate much that is unwholesome but Gerry 'n' Cilla, the famous ventriloquism act,  are in a league of their own.

Wonderful parents, they modestly claim, they left their infant daughter alone, in charge of two younger infants, in a strange room, in a strange apartment in a strange, foreign  city with a transient population. They then securely locked her in or didn't lock her in, depending on when they tell the story and which they think sounds best. They then went professionally and responsibly drinking with some professional and responsible co-drinkers, all of whom were agreed that leaving infants alone in these circumstances was a very responsible thing to do. They were in line of sight of the apartment in which the children were locked, or not locked, it's just that no-one else's vision works that way; to most people, well, everyone apart from Gerry 'n' Cilla, the apartment is not in line of sight of their drinking, sorry tapas and drinks table, and even if it were, one would only see the back of the apartment and not the front, where the door was.

Some time later, when the child was missing, Gerry 'n' Cilla delayed contacting the police until they had appointed a UK PR team and contacted family and friends in the UK and until after their reponsible, professional co-drinkers had rampaged all over the crime scene. Throughout their own interviews with the police they refused to answer some forty questions and have, with the help of skilled and hugely expensive media professionals - paid for by charitable donation -  been able to shift the blame for their own conduct onto the Poruguese police;  thay have also, from charitable donations, paid off their mortgage. In these days of Ruin theirs is probably a justified celebrity.

Gerry'n' Cilla pose for snappers.
No such thing as bad publicity.

The Text: Three minutes with Mr and Mrs McCann

How are you? All things considered, we are doing OK. When your child is missing, time is not a healer.  The pain and anxiety remain but we are feelings srong and as determined as ever to find our little girl.

What are your summer plans? It will be nice to spend some time at home but we will go and visit family and friends too, while we have the chance.

How are the twins? They are just brilliant. They are coming up to the end of their firts year in school and have settled really well.  They are incredibly happy, funny and confident children and we are very proud of them.

The McCanns, Gerry 'n' Cilla, 

among fellow celebrities. Bless.

The McCann Charity is still open for business, 

should readers wish to donate.

HT mr a young anglo-irish catholic.

A LIVERPOOL LULLABY

LIVERPOOL'S STAR VENTRILOQUIST TURN,

GERRY & CILLA.
SEE THEM MAKE BABIES DISAPPEAR.
LOOK, CILLA TALKS AND GERRY'S MOUTH HARDLY MOVES

PLAYING NOW ON SKYMADEUPNEWSANDFILTH

Christmas is coming, the doctors are getting fat
Please put a grand in Gerry & Cilla's hat
If you haven't got a grand a pony will have to do
And if you say we're lying bastards, then we'll fucking sue you.

"Clearly, why should I answer any questions from the police, when, clearly, it's all their fault that Maddlin went missing?"

"No, I love Maddlin, that's why I shouted at her all the time and left her in the dark in a securely locked or a safely unlocked apartment, looking after two other infants while me and Gezza went for a very professional piss-up. So what could possibly be wrong with that? All we want now is for the public to give us some more money. And to get Maddlin back, of course. We know they are behind us, apart from some sickoes who think we might possibly have done something wrong and should answer the police questions when it's their fault that Maddlin went missing in the first place. If only the public can give us a another couple of million, we can find her, even though we can't. Gottleageer, gottleageer."

Dr Gerry McCann's new body double, former constable Brendan O'Thug.

"Frighten the children? No, I always look like this. No, that was a long time ago. And I was an out-patient."

WOTSONTELLY?

 

GERRY 'N' CILLA ARE BACK!

On Oprah Windbag and all over Skymadeupnewsandfilth

BY JAYNE TITS.



Sentimental idiots all over the world will be reaching for their credit cards because popular young ventriloquist, “Dr” Gerry McCann and his Scouse dummy, Cilla, are back tonight, just two short years after they lost their reputations in a Portugese piss-up, sorry, elegant and responsible soiree with professional colleagues and fellow obnoxious, smirking wankers, sorry, ventriloquists.

We’d do anything to have our reputations back, gottle a geer, gottle a geer, says Cilla, early in the programme, apart from answering any reasonable quesztions put to us by the police.

One of SkyMadeUpNewsAndFilth’s retired bent Scotland Yard detectives, former Chief Superintendent, Ron StickyFingers Knacker said No way, there’s no way these two good people played any part in losing their reputations, they was just ’avin a professional gargle or ten in the local rub-a-dub-dub and fuck me some local blagger comes in, half-inches their reputation and legs it off dahn the frog-an-toad an’ ever since then they’ve been workin’ like niggers, just like me, for that nice Mr Murdoch, selling loadsa copies a SkyMadeUpNewsAndFilf. Me an’ some a the lads ‘ave been over in DagoLand and re-constructed the theft a the reputation and some local slag’ll be bang to rights, you watch. And anyway, anybOdy inferring that these two are a pair of no account lying slags might find themselves accidentally falling down the stairs or having mysterious;y hung themselves by their shoelaces. Just like in the good old days.

Joined in the studio by Telly Professor Raj Persaud, “Dr” Gerry barely moved his lips as Cilla said Well it’s all very fab that we ‘ad our gaff paid for by, like charitable donation, an’ all our seaside clobber and all that dosh wot was like to look for our reputation was actually spent on me an Gezz an' our lawyers an' Team (Keep'em Out Of Jail) McCann but we only got the one gaff an’ so the next stage of the Find Our Reputation campaign is to get viewers to donate so’s me an Gezza can ‘ave a nice gaff on the shore somewhere only not in bleedin’ Portugal, obviously, gottle-a-geer, gottle-a-geer, where we can concentrate on finding our Dear, Sweet Little Reputation, that’ll be just, like magic and fab gear, whack. I mean, me an' Gez was just 'avin a few bevvies wiv the gang and some scally legs it wiv our PreciouS Reputation and them Dago bizzies was all over us, not like proper filth that you get 'ere, like, gottle-a-geer, gottle-a-geer.

Professor Plagiarist said,


Well, as professional ventriloquists it’s obvious these two people – well, one people and one skinny whining dummy who have told a pacl of lies fromstart to finish – couldn’t have played any part in this loss of their reputation; how could they, when the prime minsiter, Mr Ruin, himself, has vouched for them. And I say that as an honourable, professional person myself who doesn’t steal others’ work and pass it off as my own, or only occasionally. I have a new book out and it’s available to Gerry & Cilla fans at a special discount price of £24.99, a portion of which will go to charity, ie them. It’s called "Have You Ever Treated Your Child So Badly That She Ran Away With The Raggle-Taggle Gypsies-O ? Strategies For Coping." There’s a foreword by Gerry & Cilla’s sister, Phil-o-bollocks McCann, the well-known sofa celebrity, and fat stupid fishwife.

“Dr” Gerry and Cilla are an act you shouldn’t miss. Somebody should give them a long sentence, sorry series.