IT'S THE WAY THEY TELL THEM.

 

I was travelling for a couple of days, reading the papers and Private Eye in the car and listenting to the odd news broadcast.  One of the Radio Four SixAClock News shows had some ghastly hussie announcing: Former leader of the Liberal Democrats, Lord Steel, has made clear that he didn't know about the (beasting) activities of the late Sir Cyril Smith .

Not claimed, insisted, vowed, asserted, complained, repeated or said.  No, made clear.

Not to me, he hasn't, bitch.

Boy David has always looked like a closet something-ot-other,  over-shirted, over-coiffed, a bit too dandyish, even for the 'seventies and his whingeing, irritated riposte to the Smith cover-up allegations -  "I was not running a detective agency" - rang more than a little hollow.  What he was really saying was, Look, I'm on the inside of the beasting tent, beasting out.  You can't touch me.  So just fuck off. In this, at least, he's right.

 A Guardian hack when a young MP, a teevee pundit at the same time, David Steel is a strand in  MediaMinster's bloodline. And we can't touch him for his most unLiberal ushering-in however many years of Thatcherism it was;  we can't touch him for the Dave-stewarded gargantuan  fuck up which was the Scottish parliament building project - a cost overrun of nine hundred per cent - and we certainly can't touch him for his monstrous views on the beasting of children.  We might usefully remember, though, that if you scratch a liberal - be he nonce, shit-eater, queer-basher, benefits cheat or unrepentant convict - you'll find a fascist.

ALL'S WELL THAT END'S WELL. SORT OF.

Now, look, lessbequiteclear about this.  The outgoing Culture Seckatry has done nothing wrong, Mr Tiny Speaker, and I am very sorry to see her go merely because she has.  Lessfaceit, the right honourable lady has been central to the many achievements of this govament in turning the land into a Sodom and Gommorah of which we in this house can be rightly proud,

Cheers. Waving of order papers. Cross-party voices in unison:  Si-i-ing ii you're glad to be gay, sing if you're happy that way....

Indeed, Mr Tiny Speaker, were it not for the right honourable lady, many silly old fairies up and down the land would not, today, be facetiously calling one another husband and wife.

Cheers.  Applause. Waving of order papers. Cross party voices in unison, with some three-part harmony:  Ma -reeeah, I'll ne-vah stop say-ing Ma-reeeah.

The most remarkable thing about the right honourable lady is that throughout this whole sorry saga, she has put herself first, cheating the taxpayer, frustrating the investigatots and reluctantly apologising in terms which can only be described as mealy-mouthed, weaselish and insincere.  That she has kept her main job, which, lessbeclears, she can swiftly supplement with proper jobs outside this place,  that she will keep her pension and that she may well find herself back in cabinet, alongside Mr Laws is a testament to the  rigour with which my govament treats benefits cheats.

Hear- hear.  Applause. Cheers.  Entire house, apart from John Mann, breaks into song:  Fo-o-or he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow.......

Order-order. The house will come to order.  There now follows a statement from the right honourable the leader of the opposition, Mr Ed Wotsit.

Thank you, Mr Tiny Speaker and I am sure that members all across the house will join with me in expresing our profound sorrow at the tragic loss of Ms Peachy Geldof, she was a fine and serious columnist, a deft and skilled broadcaster who brought real gravitas to the world of trivia which she inhabited and she will be sorely missed by her many brain-impaired  followers, some of whom might vote for me but I doubt it.  Her loss is tragic almost out of all proportion and our thoughts will be with her  repeatedly unfortunately bereaved father Sir Bob Gabshite.  And at this time, would the prime minister agree with me that a state funeral for Ms Peachy is the very least that a grieving nation can offer as a mark of respect.

Cheers. Waving of order papers.  Hear-hear.

Order-Order.  I now move that as a mark of respect to both Ms Peachy Thicko and Ms Maria Thief, the house do now adjourn so's we can all go on our holidays, attend gatyweddings, cavort with rentboys and gather in conclave to stitch-up my former Deputy Mr Tiny Speaker, Mr Nige the Fag Evans.  All in favour say Aye,  The Ayes have it, the Ayes have it. C'mon lessfuckoffouttahere.

SINGING IN THE BATH WITH THE CAMERONS: CRIMEA RIVER, CRIMEA RIVER, I CRIED A RIVER OVER YOU

FOREIGN NEWS.
CAMERON TAKES CHARGE.

Hague and Cameron, the Russians'll be shitting themselves.

Not bring a pretty young friend along, William?

Aye, David, he's in the baggage hold, just 'til the press're gone.

Quite right, quite right. Give him one for me, eh, there's a good chap, a quick First Class Honours up the Bullingdon. And maybe you could mention the baggage hold thing to Dr Cocks, I mean Fox, woulda saved us all a lot of trouble.

BETTER RED THAN DEAD.

NO, THAT'S NOT QUITE WHAT I MEANT, IS IT?

 Is that where Russia is, then, Gosh, no, I was away for geography.  And history. And probly english, too.  Oxford? Oh, a smashing time, bit like your Heidelberg, pigs and perverts and Nazis and bullies, great stuff.

The idea that any president  - never mind PsychoVlad - of Russia, which lost twenty million souls in the Nazi war, would give a flying fuck about anything that the grotesque Frau Lardarse had to say  for herself is preposterous but not as preposterous as little boy lost, here, clinging-on to his foster mother, whispering foolish threats to the Russian grown-up.

Now look, let me be clear to you both. As President Roosevelt said, we shall fight them on the beaches, we shall fight them in Sainsburys , we shall fight them in Starbucks, we will never surrender, Shall we, mr president? In the words of the great Lee Harvey Oswald Mosley, Give us the job and we'll break the tools, that's the motto of my unelected govament. Give us the job and we'll break the tools.

But lessbeclear, I believe in NATO and so what I think we should do, begging your leaderships' pardons, is that I send in our Light Brigade, oh, no, we do still have one, doing a magnificent professional job, guarding Her Majesty and her simply splendidly huge family, and great value, too, I must add, splendid, like any parasitic infestation, you don't miss 'em til they're gone, eh; anyway, I send them in, all fine strapping young men, calmly now, Mr Hague, - you know what happens when you get a taste for guardsmen's muskets,  they tend to go off in your mouth - send them in on their magnificent chargers, destriers we call them, Mrs Brooks and I, down in Cotswoldia, mustn't forget the stable boy, either, Mr Jerry Clarkson,  and then, when they've been gloriously wiped-out, you, Mr President,  can send in your glorious 101st. Airborne, you know, the ones that saved Private Ryan and if that doesn't do the trick  I see no reason that Frau Sourface, here, the Fuhreress, so to speak,  doesn't deploy the Waffen SS, whose brave members helped us out so much the last time Ivan was playing up. As I've said before about Mr Coulson and Ms Brooks and her husband and Mr Murdoch and Mr David Laws and my other good chum, the one with the I am sure perfectly harmless kiddyporn on his Downing Street computer, I am a forgiving sort of  chap and always prepared to give criminals a second chance.  The war was, let's face it, a big mistake, but America won it for us during the Battle of Britain, which, I firmly  believe, was the turning point and I see no reason why we shouldn't let bygones be bygones, after all, we politicians, we're all Nazis now.  You wouldn't believe the trouble I have with the untermenschen back home;  I don't mind saying that  that chap Hitler had some jolly good ideas about the disabled,  I mean, as Ubersturmbahnfuhrer Duncan Schmidt says, if they can't take part in the economy then what use are they?

I can run the whole operation from COBRA, which is my secret office, one in which I spend most of my time, what with the riots and the floods  and well, any excuse really, I expect I shall be in there during the upcoming EuroElections, the Scottish referendum, the next General Election and quite possibly beyond that.  As it is we ConveneAMeetingOfCobra almost daily, which, naturally, I chair, I am sure, your Lordship has a similar thing in the White House. I say, you haven't renamed it the Darky House, have you, and not told me.

Zis, zis is focking schidt, vot you are saying, nein?
'Salright, Angular, baby;  these Limeys, they all talk this shit.
The Motherfuckers of Irony's what they are.
Take this one, can't find his own dick and yet he thinks he's King of the Brits. And you should see his pretend govament - thieves, drunks, pimps, transsexuals and child molesters; shit-eating cocksuckers, most of them. Went to some paedo-finishing school,   sonsafuckinbitches, where they flogged each others' assholes with sticks and did  fuck knows what else to each other. All the top Limeys go there.

BACK IN THE USSR

 

Da, here in Soviet Union ve shoot ze poofskis on sight,

unless zey are ze president .......

 

And  comrade president, the United Kingdom's hunky  foreign seckatry should also be exempt. Not, of course that I ever do dance the old balalaika shuffle - and I do have scans of my wife's uterus which I can show you, to prove it, they're here in my pocket -

but I say, by 'eck, lad, do you think we might work-out together, 'appen we might get a bit of a sweat on?

ON THE DIPLOMATIC FRONT.

WHICH ONE'S A REAL FOREIGN SECKATRY? 

 Listen, you stuttering fucking slaphead, I speak perfect English,

how much Russian do you know?

Well, that is as may be, mr seckatry but I do have ay distinguished politcal career behind me.

William Hague?  World statesman?  Do fuck off.

And, if I may say so, 

I am ay  rather good judge of character.

RUIN'S ELDER STATESMAN ON THE THREAT POSED TO INTERNATIONAL WOTSANAME BY, Y'KNOW, FUNDAMENTALIST RUSSIANS.

No, no, peepulovbrittan, I simply say that violating the sovereign territory of aynother nation is simply unacceptable, even if it has been proved that they don't actually have weapons of mass destruction, or even if we believe  that we can believe they have them -  because Mr Campbell cooked up a pack of WMD lies with the head of unIntelligence -

A manic depressive, dipsomaniac, bi-curious psychopath;  
Campbell, a suitable case  for treatment.
And the PBC's go-to pornopundit; 'sabout right.
By treatment we mean hanging.

 even though we know they don't or even if they don't they might nevertheless  have them very well hidden, hidden in some place where they don't even exist,  that's how clever they are,  the nig-nogs;  they can have massive arsenals which don't exist and then, devilishly, in my view,  hide them in places that aren't really anywhere. Alright, look, I know metaphysics isn't my strong subject but I wouldn't lie to you, ask anyone who I give a job to, and so it's like this - they may not actually have had the WMDs but they might have had them and they might have hidden them somewhere where there aren't any places;  see, it's obvious once I set it out for you, like that, non-exostent weapons in non-existent places. And be under no wossaname, the Russians do pose a very serious threat to global humanitarianists, such as myself.  My staff, whose salaries, one way and another, you pay,  tell me that as many as no people have been strafed, napalmed, machinegunned, tortured, much less shockanawed;  

The Gospel of Humanitarianism according to Blair

Thank you, To-nee, thank you, To-nee.


Peace and blessings be upon you, To-nee.


And upon your children, yours and Imelda's.

 
And may your own God, of Abraham and Isaac and the Messiah, Jesus, cause his face to shine upon you. Blessed are the peacemakers.

so you can only imagine how that makes me feel. Not only me, but Imelda, too, yes and the kids.  

Tony and Imelda and spawn, looking upset at the lack of killings in Crimea. 
 
Children of darkness
A family of fuck-ups.

I don't mind telling you that we are all quite frankly, gutted at the thoughtless and selfish prevention of violence, at the almost negligible loss of innocent life in this so-called Act of War.  We are so distressed by the lack of carnage that Imelda was forced to humbly go in front of the cameras and pray for a Crimean mass morgue event.  

Holy Mary, mother of God
Send down  a plague of atrocities, tortures, renditions and  rapes.

War,  by the Russians, that's not  war, if you want war you need to come to the world's foremost peacemaker. It's OK, just go to the most heavily fortified hotel suite in the world and ask for Cardinal Tone,  the Beloved One. In the meantime, I'll see if one of my monsignors can hot things up a bit - Iran, Syria,  Ukraine, doesn't matter,  the waging of all-out peace can be done anywhere, anywhere there's defenceless people.

No, now  lemmebeperfectlyclear, the Labour Party which I lead, sort-of,  with Mr Balls-for-brains, will not be accepting any blood money bribes from Tony Blair. Unless, of course, we deem it to be in the national interest, which it will be. And if we do borrow some Blairbucks, we will pay it back the very instant we are found-out, just like Mr Gordon Snot did with that nice Mr Abrahams'  bung, I mean bribe, I mean donation. At least he said he would - pay it back -  but he never actually did.

BORN IN THE USA.


JOHN FACELIFT, 
US SECKATRY OF OVERSEAS MURDER

"You just don't in the 21st century behave in 19th century fashion by invading another country on completely trumped up pre-text, (sic)" Kerry told the CBS program "Face the Nation."


No, course not, sweet thing, course you don't.


AND IN ANOTHER DIMENSION:
 MediaMinster reports on a commie mouthpiece spewing his vile bilge all over us.

"I tell you what is extreme and hatred: the Liberal Democrats being in a group in the European parliament constantly screaming out for us to go to war. I am sick to death of this country getting involved in foreign wars." 

 "The Liberal Democrats strongly supported the bombing of Libya with EU help and support that got rid of Gaddafi. Libya today is completely ungovernable and is frankly becoming a breeding ground of terrorism like Pakistan of North Africa. "The Liberals, again aided and abetted by the EU, wanted to arm the rebels in Syria because they did not like President Assad – not many people do – and they wanted to do that despite the fact that the extremists were infiltrating the rebel side." Farage accused the EU in Ukraine of possessing "an absolutely stupid, almost imperial foreign policy; like almost all empires [it] wants to expand and expand". He said: "It's given false hope to those predominantly Catholic, western Ukrainians, leaving them to rise up, topple their own democratically elected leader, and if you poke the Russian bear with a stick, he will react. I do not want be part of an EU that has an activist militarist and expansionist foreign policy." 

Well, not for the time being, eh, mateybloke? Go on then, just a pint, mind.

THE THINGS THEY SAY.

 

WHIMPERING ED MILIBAND, THE  MURDOCH-SLAYER,

"  Look, I am the guy who took on Murdoch, "  Miliband said on Friday. "  That was a decisive thing to do. I am the guy that has said the rules of capitalism as played in the last 30 years have got to change. What is the most important thing for a leader of the opposition to have? It is to establish an argument about what is wrong with the country and what needs to change. I have a very clear plan and I have set out very clear themes. "

Poor, whimpering deadbeat, what he means to say is: What is the most important  thing for a leader of the opposition to do?  His very clear plan and very clear themes obviously do not include the cultivation of grammatical consistency in his public whimperings.

When you look back at them, now,  the Labour leaders, well, since Wilson and Marcia, anyway, you see that they are all delusional nincompoops, just like this one, good for fuck all, and that any good which has emerged during their tenures has come from outside parliament, travelling inwards and not, as this  creepy, malformed  bastard suggests, outwards - it is not about "what is wrong with the country and what needs to change," it is about what is wrong in MediaMinster and who needs hanging-up from a fucking lamp post and what needs burning to the fucking ground.