DIVIDED WE STAND.

Of course, by sending my son to a private school I am not seeking to set him apart from the riff-raff, workshy, fatherless, drugtaking,  black children in my shitpoor constituency and ally him for life to the children of rich people.  Only I am. That'll be a thousand pounds please, Andrew. And at least if they do sack me from the Front bench of Oblivion I'll be able to come back on the show every week.  Instead of that cheesy old minge, Jacqui Schmidt.  Or Alan Johnson, yes, the one whose missus was banging half the Met.  And him home seckatry.  Well, of course it's not for me to comment on colleagues making themselves look ridiculous but really.....

BLOOD ON THE HACKS

Now, the moral of this story, the moral of this song, is simply that one should never be where one does not belong.......

Not for nothing are journalists rightly despised,   scribbling rubbish in the London papers and spouting drivel on telly, Diane Lard has made a comfortable, private school living pretending to be one of them; in addition to her handsomely-paid public servant role Abbott has boosted her income, not due to her talent or merit - there is much better commentary in these cyber-pages than would ever spring from her leaden opinionising - but due to her position;  last night, she found that journalism is a little more brutal than she had imagined.

Bumptious, hypocritical gabshite beasted on mainstream Tee-Vee

If you missed this week's This Week, among the usual frothy rubbish, pantomime journalists in boats and numbskull, nobody celebrities, there was a dark moment or two of political reality as Andrew Neil effortlessly exposed the hypocrisy and self-interest, the utter poverty of intellect or principle at the  heart of Ms Abbott, she really is as stupid as she sounds, as venal, as precious, as astonishingly maladroit and incompetent as one has always suspected, unable to explain, refute or even divert Neil's questions about her expenses, her own, stagey racism, her contradictory, greedy, self-centred parental decisions, she floundered, Oh-Andrewing, as though these straightforward - and long, long overdue - questions were beneath her.  So utterly banal and worthless was her performance, so embarrassing,  that one wondered, not for the first time,  why it was that Neil has for so long  pretended to value her opinion.

Had Abbott fanned a few flames of hope, that she might wrest a shadow front bench role from this pretend leadership bid, she will today be staring into their embers.

TELLY PIN-UP TO LEAD LABOUR.

DIANE LARD, MP.

VOTE4ME, SAYS TELLY'S SOCIALIST STUNNA, DI, AND ALL YOUR CHILDREN CAN GO TO PRIVATE SCHOOLS, LIKE MINE DOES.

It is my commitment to socialist values - and to appearing on telly with comrades like the feminist, Peter Stringpenis - which makes me the outstanding candidate to lead this great party, this great nation, this great audience. People want to watch better late-night telly and I'm just the person not to give it to them. If people vote for me, I can guarantee that I will be on all channels, waving my arms around, tongue-tied and giggling, like a fucking ignoramus.

Twenty years I have run my constituency and it's now worse than ever - poorer, dirtier and more violent;  that's the sort of leadership I can offer the viewers.

Vote Lard for a Britain fair to clapped-out  career politicians and social climbers.