The Sunday Ishmael: 19/10/2025

 So, what are we talking about today, mrs ishmael?

What else but the Banned Old Duke of York.

The King has put his foot down and Andy's not coming out to play.

Why now, his loyal subjects ask themselves, after all these years, has King Charles the Unfortunate said enough is enough, up with this We will no longer put?

Seems a fair bet that it is to stay ahead of yet more revelations - revelations that may prove an existential threat to the British monarchy, with a bit of luck.

The Mail on Sunday has revealed that Jeffrey Epstein offered to introduce a woman to Andrew, in an email dated  August 11th, 2010. Unfortunately for the lascivious who are determined to prove that Andy is a paedophile, the woman was 28. There is no evidence as yet that Andrew is attracted to pre-pubescent children. Ample evidence that he was sexually incontinent and liked teenagers - but Virginia Giuffre was 17 when she provided sexual services to Andrew - which is over the age of consent in Britain, where he allegedly enjoyed said sexual services. The MoS is darkly surmising that there will be more revelations of a sexual nature as the Epstein papers are opened - but it is unlikely that we will learn that Epstein trafficked goats and monkeys to Andrew. If it is more of the stuff that Andrew is denying then it is evidence that he had a lot of sex with a lot of young women, many of whom were vulnerable, many of whom were prostitutes  - which renders him morally despicable and a prize hypocrite, turning up regularly to Christian church services, all dressed up in his Sunday-go-to-meeting clothes, but not a criminal, unless, of course, he did it in Epstein's American homes - America being less lax about these matters than Britain.

I recently read Andrew Lownie's book "Entitled", which describes Andrew as having an enormous sexual appetite - the author alleges  Andrew has, over the course of his life, slept with over 1,000 women. He quotes one young woman as saying: "He wanted me to engage in kinky sexual activity. He had no boundaries. He told me he had an open marriage arrangement with his wife. After returning to London, I never heard from him again. I felt like he used me for a few days, so he could live his wildest fantasies."

Lownie further alleges that when Andrew was representing the monarchy at the King of Thailand's Diamond Jubilee in 2006, he required 40 women be sent to his hotel room. Lownie quotes a witness who claimed: "Often, as soon as one left, another would arrive." 

Andrew travelled everywhere with an ironing board and a massage table. Why does the bloke need to be massaged all the time? It seems to be a form of mental illness.

Of the two of them, Sarah Ferguson emerges as the most despicable. Equally sexually incontinent, she had no shame in monetising her title, in flagrantly asking wealthy men for money, in attempting to sell access to Andrew, and in wasting food. One of her jobs was as ambassador for Weight Watchers. She required her kitchen staff to serve a roast chicken, joint of beef and a leg of lamb every evening and left them untouched whilst pigging out on Kettle Chips with her teenage daughters. The food was not recycled.

So, King Charles was not trying to pre-empt the Lownie Revelations - they've been out there since the book was published in August. The Mail on Sunday's revelations are not particularly revelatory. Also out there is the Chinese spy-master best chum scandal. Could it be linked to the case against Christopher Berry, an academic and Chris Cash, a parliamentary researcher, whose trial for spying for China was recently withdrawn?  And there's the recently -revealed request to his Personal Protection Officer back in 2011 to dig up some dirt on Virginia Giuffre. Maybe not those.

Could it be the Virginia Giuffre book, due out this week? Or is it something else?

Anyway, King Charles allowed Andrew to issue this nauseating proclamation:

 "In discussion with The King, and my immediate and wider family, we have concluded the continued accusations about me distract from the work of His Majesty and the Royal Family.

I have decided, as I always have, to put my duty to my family and country first. I stand by my decision five years ago to stand back from public life.

With His Majesty's agreement, we feel I must now go a step further. I will therefore no longer use my title or the honours which have been conferred upon me. As I have said previously, I vigorously deny the accusations against me."

Quite honestly, I'm disappointed. I wanted the full Degradation Ceremony.

The Most Noble Order of the Garter is an order of chivalry founded by Edward III in 1348 - the origin myth has it that the Garter in question was dropped by a female and the chivalrous monarch not only picked it up and wore it himself: thus the Order's motto Honi soit qui mal y pense (Shame on him who thinks this evil), but set up a club to mimic Arthur's Knights of the Round Table,

Garters - this sort of thing.

wearing stockings, suspenders, velvet and silly hats.

 

Anyway, did you notice up the page a little, His Princely Garteriness Andrew of the Allegations coming it all that in his waving white plumes and velvety I'm entitledness?

One of the things about the Garter Club is that, should a Knight disgrace the honour of the Order, measures are taken to remove said disgraced Knights. So far, forty men have been dealt with, thirty of them subject to the formal process of degradation, which takes place in the quire of St George's Chapel.

This looked like fun: 

In 1521 Edward Stafford, Duke of Buckingham experienced his degradation at the feast of St George. The Officers of the College of Arms were present, together with six Knights of the Garter. The Garter King of Arms announced that:

"the said Edward late Duke of Buckingham be degraded of the said noble order and his arms, ensigns and hatchments clearly expelled and put from among the arms, ensigns and hatchments of the other noble knights of the said Order to the intent that all other noble men thereby may take example hereafter not to commit any such heinous and detestable treason and offence, as God may forbid they should. And God save the King."

Whereupon one of the heralds, who was concealed in the upper level of the quire woodwork violently cast down Buckingham's crest, banner and sword at the feet of the assembled great and the good. They then kicked the arms and achievements down the full length of  the nave, out of the west door and into the ditch beyond.

Now that I'd pay to see. Turning up in the Royal coaches, 

processing in, maybe a black gospel choir,

 maybe presided over by Dame Sarah Mullaly,

maybe conceal Dickie Arbiter in the quire woodwork to do the violent casting down of Andrew's crest, banner and sword.

 Can you just imagine Andrew's stuff being kicked out the door by his sister, sister-in-law, older and younger brothers, nephew and niece-in-law? Would they cut their feet when kicking the sword? D'you think it will be on the telly? Will we have Huw Edwards (snigger) solemnly intoning, describing the frocks, velvets and silly hats, with a bit of BBC suitably reverential music?

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Oh yes, I told you Handsworth is a shit hole. A racist shit hole, or, as Robert Jenrick more delicately puts it, not integrated. It's only 10 minutes down the road from Villa Park footie ground. Sir Keir Starmer is among a host of political voices savaging the decision to bar supporters of Maccabi Tel Aviv from attending the club's Europa League match against Aston Villa next month. The decision is based on the police saying they can't guarantee the safety of Jewish fans because they're a bunch of racist bastards in Handsworth and Aston Villa. Blame the victim for provoking the ire of their attackers. 

They'd better sort out security, sharpish, though as the Campaign Against Anti-Semitism said: 'We are today notifying Birmingham City Council and West Midlands Police of our intention to bring a judicial review of the decision to ban away fans from attending the match between Aston Villa and Maccabi Tel Aviv......We will do whatever it takes to overturn this pernicious ban which has humiliated and angered the whole country."

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There are four splendid anthologies of the writings of stanislav and mr ishmael, compiled by his friend, mr verge, the house filthster. You can buy them from Amazon or Lulu. Here's how:

Honest Not Invent, Vent Stack, Ishmael’s Blues, and the latest, Flush Test (with a nice picture of the late, much lamented, Mr Harris of Lanarkshire taking a piss on a totem pole) are available from Lulu and Amazon. If you buy from Amazon, it would be nice if you could give a review on their website.

IIshmaelites wishing to buy a copy from lulu should follow these steps 

please register an account first, at lulu.com. This is advisable because otherwise paypal seems to think it's ok to charge in dollars, and they then apply their own conversion rate, which might put the price up slightly for a UK buyer. Once the new account is set up, follow one of the links below (to either paperback or hardback) or type "Ishmael’s Blues" into the Lulu Bookstore search box. Click on the “show explicit content” tab, give the age verification box a date of birth such as 1 January 1960, and proceed.

Link for Hardcover : https://tinyurl.com/je7nddfr

Link for Paperback : https://tinyurl.com/3jurrzux

https://www.lulu.com/shop/ishmael-smith/flush-test/paperback/product-9yjvn7.html?q=Flush+Test&page=1&pageSize=4

At checkout, try WELCOME15 in the coupon box, which (for the moment) takes 15% off the price before postage. If this code has expired by the time you reach this point, try a google search for "Lulu.com voucher code" and see what comes up.

With the 15% voucher, PB (including delivery to a UK address) should be £16.84; HB £27.04.

Hawthorn berries are high in antioxidants, have anti-inflammatory properties, lower blood pressure and blood cholesterol, aid digestion, reduce anxiety, and improve heart function. They are freely available in hedgerows and woodland. You can make them into jams and jellies, and add them to fruit crumbles and pies. Be quick, though, the foraging season is nearly over.

Hawthorn berry syrup:

1 kg hawthorn berries

200ml lemon juice

500g sugar

• Pour the rinsed berries into a pan and cover with water. Bring this to a boil for about 10 minutes, then reduce the heat and simmer for about 1 hour, until the berries change colour and become tender.
• Strain through a fine sieve then return it to the pan. Add the sugar and lemon juice and bring the mixture back to a boil and simmer until the sugar has dissolved and the solution forms a nice, clear syrup. Then remove it from the heat and bottle.
• Your syrup should last about 3 months if kept refrigerated.